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#28338 - 04/30/02 04:20 AM Honer and Hubris
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I understand where you are coming from about pride. Honer is what makes people strive for justice. Its why you dont give up even though you feel you cant win. Its good to have pride.

I always wanted to be a fighter, like a soldier. But when i got older i saw that it was just a bunch of tired, jaded old men sending kids out to die on lost causes. I didnt want to die for nothing. I have no illusions about war. Its worse than i can imagine. Thats why i wanted to be a fighter in the first place, because i knew if people like me didnt fight for what they believe in, then nobody would. I'm still trying to decide which side im on, who to fight and how to do it. I still want to put my life on the line, i want to do what nobody else will.

Feeling doesnt make you weaker, it makes you stronger. People bury their emotions when they have to, but hanging onto to emotions is why they do it in the first place. If you didnt believe in something good and noble in yourself and in the world, you wouldnt have bothered to survive. I used to think about death all the time. I still do. I would actually get mad at myself for hanging on to life so hard. I think to myself, for fucks sake, just give up already! Youve lost! there is nothing more to gained from staying here and being in pain. For once just be mercifull to yourself where others have not. But i couldnt. I want to live so bad i became a masochist, i just started eating pain like it was candy. If i was in pain i knew i was still alive, i was still fighting.

But my mind got stuck like that. When opportunities came around to have something real, to feel something good, id know it wouldnt last, it was just a trick. In trying to stay alive, i blocked out everybody and everything. I lost sight of what i was fighting for, and for good reason. But my eyes are open now, there is whole world outside my shitty little room. I can do anything i want, make any choices i feel are right, anything! im free to love and cry and hate and be a real human being, not just a cardboard cut out of a soldier. I can be a real fighter, someone who fights for what they believe in, who fights because he gives a shit what happens in this miserable little mudball we call earth.

Dont run from the good things in life man. Its all youve got, and probably all your ever going to have. Maybe we live after we die, maybe not, but for us, here and now, this is ALL WE HAVE. I dont want to piss it away. Dont let your pride keep people away, dont lose your faith in people.


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#28339 - 04/30/02 11:18 AM Re: Honer and Hubris
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello, Broken. VERY WELL WRITTEN AND SAID. It makes me think, and I hope a lot of other guys. Haven't we gone thru enough shit? Bosisheere


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#28340 - 04/30/02 10:50 PM Re: Honer and Hubris
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
ya know, i have had some really lousy days in the last few weeks, and reading this really hit home, i wish there was a switch to turn off the depression, i get so sad thinking that its passing me by and i am just kinda watching it go without really participating, you got me thinking, thanks for posting this.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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