Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alicia (55), bubblytam (56), crazydragon (39), JGag78 (36), kris82 (32), Shin (28)
Who's Online
3 registered (journey4two, Obi, Going forward), 15 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63401 Topics
443271 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#283325 - 04/12/09 12:04 AM Give it to me straight
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Okay, I'm looking for the honest truth. I can take it. With this issue, there's a lot of skirting around. People have strong opinions, but they're afraid to voice them outright. I give you permission. I encourage you. Be as blunt as possible. Am I straight, or am I gay?

The question has plagued me for years. I'm not likely to get an easy answer. I'm desperate for one, anyway. It tears me up inside. Single word replies are fine. I'll make a tally chart, "one for straight, one for gay." "Bisexual" is a valid answer, I just hope it doesn't win. If it does, I'll be back at square one.

Here's the rundown:

Born gay. Sure of that. Played with Barbies. In love with Madonna. Biologically gay. Two, two and a half, years of rape ravaged whatever sexuality had developed. Before the abuse, crushes on boys. Afterwards, crushes on girls. As a teenager, infatuation with myself. Masturbation to mirrors. Came out of the closet in college. Leapt back in a year later. A huge crush on a lesbian. Thinking of her whenever lying in bed with my only boyfried, a mean, crazy, controlling asshole. On the street, in the train, glance at both men and women, so long as they're my type: thin, androgynous, asexual. Nowadays, more women than men. Sex makes me nauseous. Celibate for a year. Flinch from anyone who touches me. Demeaned by men. Intimidated by women. I yearn for a friend, a brother. I yearn for a wife, a mother to my children.

Right now, I have no one. "Nothing" has been my answer for too long. So, I'm putting it up to public referendum. Give your snap judgements. Give your lengthy, philosophical arguments. Just give it to me straight.

* Responses reading "Labels are for cans" will be met by an eye roll and a sarcastic, "Yeah, yeah."

* Final results may be overturned by the mysterious workings of a screwy, stubborn heart.


Top
#283328 - 04/12/09 12:22 AM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Bewlayb1]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Bewlayb1,
You can have anything you want if you want it bad enough. This is a kind of copout in my opinion to throw it out to strangers and have them decide your lifestyle. Get some back bone guy. You want it straight. Get yourself to a good therapist, a professional who can help you decide what you want. When you do decide then go for it and stop looking back. The grass or ass will always be greener elsewhere if you are a wishy washy kind of guy. You are making yourself miserable and your loved ones too. You can do this. You can choose for yourself and you can make it stick if you are willing to do the work that is required to get where deep down you want to be. For God's sake man make a freaking decision and go for it. You deserve it. You are worth it. You owe it to yourself and those who love you and whom you have made vows or promises to.

That is about as straight as I have ever been and only because you requested it.

Take care what ever you decide but please for your own sake decide.



Edited by Freedom49 (04/12/09 12:24 AM)

Top
#283332 - 04/12/09 12:39 AM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Freedom49]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I was gonna say more or less the same thing. You sound very confused, and that's understandable. What I hear all the time is simply this "forget the past. All of it. What do you feel and want NOW?" Follow that, and if you're not getting professional help from a sex therapist or a sexual trauma therapist, it sounds like you could use one. What is going to make YOU the happiest in the long run?


Also, the infatuation with yourself thing and masturbating in front of mirrors? I did that too. Ya know why? Because I was trying to get the exact posture and poses that my cousin got, like I was pretending that by looking at my own reflection I was revisiting one of those times and watching him do it. I would do it after a shower because the mirror in the bathroom was all steamed up, and I didn't have to look at my face. If I saw my face, it ruined it for me. Now, even if I wanted to, that kind of thing wouldn't turn me on. Funny how once you start realizing these things and talking about them they just sort of fade away. I can't figure out the crushes on lesbians, I've had em too. I think it has something to do with wanting what we can't have. I've met a lot of butchy lesbians, who I was not interested in. And I've met some who I was heartbroken when i found out they were lesbians, because they were gorgeous. Like I said, in that case I believe it's pretty much a case of wanting something you can't have.



Edited by AndyS87 (04/12/09 12:43 AM)

Top
#283337 - 04/12/09 02:24 AM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: AndyS87]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I have very little time to give and your question demands a drawn-out answer. Without going into details because I don't have the time, historically you have had same-sex tendencies and it is not unusual for young guys to manifest some same-sex attraction, it is not unusual for teens or even adults to masturbate, and it is not unusual in our 20s to go from a bisexual mode to a more hetero mode also. It would not seem unusual at all to develop both a need/desire for a close same-sex friendship and a need/desire for a opposite-sex intimate relationship. And given your history of suffering abuse, it would not seem unusual at all for you to have developed a phobia towards the men who abused you.

If you are still in your 20s or even into your early 30s, my own belief is that the jury is still out on a firm direction for your sexuality to proceed toward. Have you ever taken a Kinsey test to determine your attraction and direction? I believe that the outcome ranges from Zero or One for straight to Six for absolutely gay. Many people who take the test end-up somewhere in-between and not firmly in one camp or the other. When I took it I was closer to the hetero side but I did have some same-sex tendencies too.

Given all that you have shared over time with the depth of my recovery knowledge my simple answer as to your sexuality would lean towards straight with some same-sex tendencies. Perhaps in the range of a Kinsey 2 to 3. I am not certain of your age and I am guessing that you are in your 20s. From what you have shared over time this is the best that I can come up with given the limited time that I have to devote tonight.

Hope that this helps you. I will have more time to give tomorrow evening, as I will be out during the day for a holiday family meal. The actual answer is somewhat more complex than I am able to devote time to tonight. I would not find it unusual for you to have some attraction to both sexes and to have begun to develop an opposite-sex desire after initial same-sex experience. Remember, this is a simple answer, and it is not meant to inflame tensions within or between either camp.

Leaning toward straight with some same-sex tendencies is my simple answer, and most guys relish having close male friends too. There are reasons behind your attraction to both sexes but I don't have time to go into them in the detail necessary tonight.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#283338 - 04/12/09 02:24 AM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Bewlayb1]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 11:43 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#283357 - 04/12/09 08:54 AM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Bewlayb1]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1124
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
Okay, I'm looking for the honest truth. I can take it. With this issue, there's a lot of skirting around. People have strong opinions, but they're afraid to voice them outright. I give you permission. I encourage you. Be as blunt as possible. Am I straight, or am I gay?

The question has plagued me for years. I'm not likely to get an easy answer. I'm desperate for one, anyway. It tears me up inside. Single word replies are fine. I'll make a tally chart, "one for straight, one for gay." "Bisexual" is a valid answer, I just hope it doesn't win. If it does, I'll be back at square one.


Bewlayb1,
Blunt answer: I don't know.

Expanded thoughts: I am convinced that there are just too many complexities to REALLY know: biological, social, emotional, spiritual, etc. How all these get meshed together I have no idea.

It does seem that many people KNOW (are convinced) of their identity (gay, straight, bi). There are some who are confused, and maybe not surprising many of us M/S guys here are.

I too was convinced that I was born gay and then later considered myself bi (I've been married for 17 years). As a pre-pube boy I had attractions to both sexes but "behaved" more like a girl (sensitive, not into sports, "girl" hobbies like knitting, etc.). However, I was being raised primarily by my mom and older sister. My dad and brother were just not around. Would my behavior have been different if I had male role models? Perhaps.

Recently I have reconsidered my identity premise (born gay/bi). The lack of male role models and then the CSA twisted my identity. This is radical thinking for a 47 year old who was convinced of his sexual identity for the last 30 years.

I'm just now dealing with the emotional damage done by early porn exposure, neglect and CSA. The onion analogy applies to me. Peeling back each layer, realizing how my mind worked to "protect" me while destroying me at the same time. Lots of work to do there and I am at the beginning of Recovery. But already I can see what my mind has done and how that has poisoned many of my relationships. The guys here and my T are very helpful.

So perhaps you are not asking the right question: Who are you? But rather who could you be?

Lots of love Brother and Happy Easter,
Jim





Edited by Jim1961 (04/12/09 09:47 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#283390 - 04/12/09 02:07 PM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Jim1961]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks, guys. Your honesty is apppreciated. Freedom49 was absolutely right. It's time to grow a backbone. I was kind of worried after I posted this last night. But the replies have been enlightening. In response to Mark, I'm twenty-seven. So, I might have years of sexual confusion ahead of me.

Jim's reply was heartening. It's obvious to me that what I really want is marriage and kids. I am wishy-washy. I kind of float through life like a Forrest-Gump feather. I wish I could make a decision and stick with it. Maybe with time.

I think I made an impossible request. There is no straight answer. Oh well. Happy Easter everyone! I'll be celebrating alone, but maybe not next year.


Top
#283391 - 04/12/09 02:36 PM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Jim1961]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
But rather who could you be?


weighing in on this topic here: i myself don't see that question as anymore legitimate than 'who/what am i?' is, in light of the idea that perhaps he has no motivation for 'can-ning' himself in the first place.

this subject is, obviously, for both old-timers and fledglings, a perennial question.

i suppose that if you are a guy who is seeing it as urgent and necessary to pick an identity to settle into, then by all means talk yourself into heterosexuality if you need to.

for me, i don't have a need to be either one way or the other. i'm just trying to keep it real here, for myself anyway. i am who who i am today, and for my life as it is at the moment, there is no dilemma or conflict involved. i am integrated and balanced. but that's just me. the question as always, remains open for me. but that is just a necessary component for my own mental health state.

for a single guy snuggling with this dilemma, i can understand how the fear of 'missed opportunity' would greatly weight into the scales of 'which way should i roll?'. for guys already posing as hetero and conflicted about their ssa, i can understand the motivation to 'pick one over the other'. divorce is messy, and the prospect of living alone is not very inviting.

sex kills....as joni mitchell so aptly put it.

that's about as 'straight' as i ever hope to get on the subject.

for me, i don't think it's fair to another person to drag them unawares into the confused mess that csa has made of my life. i feel it to be the utmost importance that i be completely honest with whoever i 'take a liking to', and make certain that whoever they are, they have full disclosure about the true nature of me: undecided. can they handle that? that's what this question in my opinion is really about.

yea, you could definitely make a commitment to one or the other, but once you make that commitment, aren't the other options automatically ruled out?

just thinking out loud. great topic; and for those who struggle with it, i hope it never buries itself before it gets resolved. this is an important discussion and i don't take it lightly. we all need to have this arena for speaking our best truth. i hope no one is offended by my words.

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#283414 - 04/12/09 07:25 PM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Sans Logos]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1124
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
Quote:
But rather who could you be?


weighing in on this topic here: i myself don't see that question as anymore legitimate than 'who/what am i?' is, in light of the idea that perhaps he has no motivation for 'can-ning' himself in the first place.


****** First, I am not a professional psychologist, etc. Just relating my opinion based on personal experience. *******

To be clear, i specifically said "could" not "can" because it is a best not to jump to a conclusion (pick only one) without dealing with the CSA first (therapy, etc.). If someone is confused, then all identities are possible. So it is better to have an open mind ("could" can be more than one thing!) and then work it out with a pro. That's what I meant by "Could Be?"


Quote:
i suppose that if you are a guy who is seeing it as urgent and necessary to pick an identity to settle into, then by all means talk yourself into heterosexuality if you need to.


I certainly don't recommend talking yourself into anything or using a poll here to determine your identity. I recommend peeling into that onion!


Quote:
for me, i don't think it's fair to another person to drag them unawares into the confused mess that csa has made of my life. i feel it to be the utmost importance that i be completely honest with whoever i 'take a liking to', and make certain that whoever they are, they have full disclosure about the true nature of me: undecided. can they handle that? that's what this question in my opinion is really about.


I agree with you here too. I did not disclose 17 years ago for many reasons (one being that I did not even think of it as CSA, the other that it was "in the past.") Fortunately our marriage has held up and I am making progress which will make it stronger. Eventually I need to disclose!

Quote:
yea, you could definitely make a commitment to one or the other, but once you make that commitment, aren't the other options automatically ruled out?


From a monogamous relationship perspective it is a commitment either way! There are many who choose not to commit or be polygamous. Those are options too. But if a commitment is made, please stick to it ESPECIALLY if there are children involved.

Quote:
just thinking out loud. great topic; and for those who struggle with it, i hope it never buries itself before it gets resolved. this is an important discussion and i don't take it lightly. we all need to have this arena for speaking our best truth. i hope no one is offended by my words.


Yes it is a good topic and from my short time here one that comes up frequently! Confusion of sexual identity for those who have experienced CSA is apparently very common.

I'm not offended at all and am glad to clarify my response. And yes Ron, I still love you grin

Too bad neither of us drink anymore, I could see us tossing down a few beers and going at it on this topic wink

Jim




Edited by Jim1961 (04/12/09 07:31 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

Top
#283425 - 04/12/09 08:42 PM Re: Give it to me straight [Re: Jim1961]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Bewlayb1,

What's wrong with the teeter-totter/seesaw?

My deciding factor would be...


When the heart RULES the mind (GTR)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.