I'm not sure what does and doesn't trigger folks so I thought I would err on the side of caution.
The only reason I have joined this forum and am even reviewing/thinking about all this crap is that my body seems to be forcing me to.
When I was about 11, my Dad outdid even himself and, in a rage, stomped my ribs and collarbone until they were broken and threw me across the dining room table. I went in and out of consciousness and the only thing that got me off that table was the fear that my little sis would come home and find me that way. I made myself get off, clean up the mess and get in bed. My collar bone and ribs were broken. My Mom told the school that I had pneumonia and wouldn't be in for awhile. This is the first memory I have that forces me to realize that my mother knew
OK, enough about that, I'm over that rotten memory. However, I'm 44 and my collarbone is on completely backwards and that side of my rib cage is crooked. The older I get, the more trouble it gives me. The Doc says that this will continue because, since I am asymetrical, the muscles etc. always have to compensate. Its pretty painful.
The worst part, and this is tough to admit even here, is that my dad penetrated me with objects - big ones, sharp ones, heated ones. He made me choose which one so he could tell me that it was I that wanted it etc. etc. He once forced a rolling pin by kicking it and I remember hearing something crack. I passed out.
As a kid, I would have black stuff (old blood?) come out of me all the time. My dad explained that Satan lived in me and that it was his sh__. Charming, I know.
As I'm getting older, it is getting increasingly painful - excuciating really, to go to the bathroom and sometimes takes me an hour. I had to discuss this with my doc and he wants me to be scoped ( no way ) and says that I may need surgery to re-route (no way). In the meantime, I take laxatives or the pain is unbearable.
Now, the two issues are ganging up on me. Because of the asymetry, I guess, I have a bulging disk in my lower back. This happened in the gym. I work hard to stay in shape and lift weights 3-4 times per week. I guess I overdid it. Anyway, I found out that I rely on my lower back to brace for the pain in the bathroom and now I can't and the result is agonizing.
Does anyone else have the latter problem? It is so painfully familiar. It has also caused the nightmares to return. I had vivid flashback nightmares in my mid 20's but they disappeared completely the day my Dad died, 11 years ago. A few weeks back, I had the first nightmare since that time and now they occur almost nightly.
Sorry - whiney note. I'm just desperate for some answers.