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#282974 - 04/09/09 07:03 PM Those Fantasies of our Minds
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Guys I've been wanting to ask this question for a while and just debating on whether or not it is appropriate to discuss I would like to discuss it but if it is found to be offensive I apologize I intend no harm.

I've discussed this several times and really wonder about my fantasies.

Is this a tool for predicting our sexual orientation or is it just that a fantasy?

Am I reading in too much about my fantasies?

I often have fantasies but don't think I could ever act them out in real life.

Is a fantasy just something that our mind creates for excitement purposes in our lives.

Again I hope this isn't inappropriate.

What role do fantasies play in our lives?

What role do fantasies play in our sexual beings?

Guys I don't know if this a stupid question or not but I feel better getting it off my chest.

Thanks

Charlie.

I'd love to hear what you all have to say regarding this topic.


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#282982 - 04/09/09 07:36 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: Charlie24]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Charlie,
For the most part I personally think fantasies are harmless depending on their content and frequency at which they occur.

For instance, if I had a fantasy of raping someone that would not be healthy. If it occurred only once I would be unnerved but not upset. If I found myself having fantasies of rape and violence frequently I would be very concerned and would want to get some help professionally.

The main problem I see with fantasy is that it tends to motivate. If I have fantansies about eating ice cream I will eventually find myself at the grocery store, or Dairy Queen. If I am having fantasies about young men, I will find myself at places where young men tend to congregate. If I should find myself having fantasies about having intercourse with young children I would bet you could find me driving by schools where kids can be found.

We tend to gravitate toward what we are thinking about the most whether conciously or unconciously. I had dreams about owning a certain model of automobile a long time ago. I would fantasize about it, daydream about owning and driving it. I eventually began driving by the car lots and guess what? I now own one. That is what I consider a good fantasy (of course :-))that I motivated to come true.

I fear the other is true also. If I were to allow myself to dwell on sex wtih other men like I used to I have no doubt eventually the opportunity would come up.

Bottom line: Carefull what you fantasize alot about, You have the power to make that fantasy come true even on an unconcious level.

Just my thoughts. Does that make sense to you?


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#282984 - 04/09/09 07:48 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: Charlie24]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
sexual fantasies for me have always been about being abused...so I'm not sure that all fantasies are healthy...they seem at least in my case to be rather intrusive and disturbing...once Ive finished using the fantasy for its purpose...i feel awful...they only make it more apparent to me that i need help...i just cant seem to think of "reasonably" normal sexual things, when i mb...wish i knew of a way to rid myself of these thoughts...maybe they will fade over time during my recovery....i hope so anyway.

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#282999 - 04/09/09 09:33 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: Charlie24]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
charlie, at some point in my life i realized that fantasizing about sexual trysts kept my inner world stuck on pause. and of course before i realized that i realized that the fantasies were always an attempt to recapture the situations that resembled my times with my older brother. i didn't want sex, i wanted closeness; that's what my fantasies were about. a severe lack of something.

i came to realize that for me indulging in fantasies was a dishonest practice, and would not lead me to freedom but rather my indulging in them just kept on reinforcing the grip they had on me.

i am not making a moral judgment in any of this. i don't believe sexual pleasure is wrong, but i came to understand that for myself anyway, indulging in sex with a figment of my imagination was more or less a measure of my own bondage.

i wanted to get to the place where i could meet sex on sexes terms; to actually have an honest orgasm. and for me that meant finding new ways to disengage from the lie i engaged in, having ghosts for sexual partners.

i began to stop the fantasizing, because they would no longer feed me. i stared them down, eye to eye, and began to discover the joys of loving touch.

now, if i could only manifest a real person to engage in it with, that would be awesome! but in the meantime, it's just me, but without all the old adolescent ideas and shame about '5 fingered mary' because the art of pleasure is so much more than a quick act of getting off. it is a way to get to know myself, and love myself and trust myself without regret or remorse.

don't know if that makes sense for anyone else, but it does for me. thanks for the topic.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#283007 - 04/09/09 10:29 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: Sans Logos]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
This is an interesting topic. In a way, it's very painful. We can control our actions. We can dictate, to some extent, how people see us. But we can't really censor our fantasies. I would agree that if your fantasies are of a disturbing nature, you have some work to do on yourself. It might not mean you will act out in a destructive manner, but it does suggest things aren't right yet in your mind.

In my loneliness, I often think of someone in the past who was also abused. I'm so uncomfortable with sex. I imagine that he would be too. Our shared unease somehow soothes me. But it's impossible. He's long gone, and ostensibly straight. I feel guilty for even thinking about it, but when I do, I don't feel so alone.

Still, it could be worse. As a child, during and after the abuse, my fantasies were very bizarre, very disquieting. Ever since I was a teenager, I've latched onto one person, man or woman, who promises wholeness. Of course, there are a few exceptions. Just a few nights ago, I half-awoke from a dream and began making out with my pillow, pretending it was Christina Ricci (!)

I don't think you can, or should, hide from the unpleasant yearnings of your mind. What do my fantasies tell me? That I'm lonely. That I can only trust one person, even in my imagination. That I have bisexual tendencies. It's better to confront the truth, and strive to repair the damage, than to pretend your feelings don't exist. Try not to look at your fantasies as something to be afraid of. Think of them as valuable insights into your inner-workings. It's like diagnosing an illness. It's incredibly difficult to face, but once you do, you can begin the process of getting better.


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#283012 - 04/09/09 11:10 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: Charlie24]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Charlie;
This topic is such a brain opener for me.

My fantasies before the abduction/assault I visualized healthy hetro content.

After the rape and all the years of dealing with the falshbacks and uncomfortable sexual reactions my body went through while my mind was continually being subjected to alcohol and THC. This went on for ten years. I gave up on my dick and went solo in my mid-thirties.

Masterbation was never a problem for me. I tried men twice after the assault in desparation for sexual gratification, women were equally disapointed as the two men, nothing worked except masterbation.

My fantasies changed to male/male around the same time and I was disgusted after my solo sessions. For most of my thirties and forties I had intrusive m/m events in my fantasies of me being with a man and I would switch back and forth to women. It was very frustrating.

I fixed it with test driving the equipment and using a female nudity mag. When a m/m visual scenario developed I shut it down and with practie I was able to move on to the actual m/f sexual relation without the physical and mental interuptions associated with the assault.

Good topic

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#283037 - 04/10/09 01:27 AM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I was going to say what Roger said, it is true, and fantasies can be dangerous in the way that Roger explained.

Myboyhoodfears. Interpretation of fantasy. Something that you want? right?
but sexual so-called "fantasies" may not be fantasies in that sense at all, they may just be ways of re-living the abuse. Ways of feeling the feelings again, a possible subversive way to try to process the feelings. So i think there is a difference sometimes. I'm not sure if that is what you were talking about.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#283040 - 04/10/09 01:53 AM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Maybe some people use these fantasies as a way to connect with their past as an attempt to try to understand. I mentioned that i think that that method is subversive, because you become submersed in the emotions and feelings of "little me". You feel the feelings, but you cant make any rational sense of them in order to process them.

It is very much like one of those un-helpful coping mechanisms, it seems to relieve some of the pain, but then it is actually undermining you.

Like sometimes people cut themselves as a coping mechanism, right? but really what they are doing is reinforcing those bad feelings they have about themselves, each time they cut they are really saying "this is what i'm worth". Unhealthy fantasies do the same kind of destruction and also eat away at how you think. If you put yourself in those fantasies, even if for complex reasons it seems to relieve the pain of it all for a moment (maybe like throwing in the towel), you are actually saying i am worthless, and i deserve to be treated badly.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#283246 - 04/11/09 11:14 AM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: king tut]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:52 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#283273 - 04/11/09 03:36 PM Re: Those Fantasies of our Minds [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I agree that disturbing fantasies are symptomatic of something psychologically awry. Yet, I don't think it is possible to control them. I think people fantasize to quench some desire that is not being fulfilled in reality. If a man has fantasies of being abused in some way, the problem lies deeper than the fantasy itself. His mind is unwell. The fantasies are only a manifestation of that. I think it sends the wrong message to say you should stop having these thoughts because no one can "choose" their thoughts. Thoughts just occur.

In other words, you can't suffocate your fantasies. Fantasies emerge because some yearning is being suffocated in your daily life. You don't heal by treating the symptom. You attack the source. You learn, from experience, from therapy, or from self-reflection, that the things you want will only hurt you. That's just my opinion. I don't think fantasies are good, or bad. Sometimes they scare us, or make us feel guilty. But in doing so, they might convince us to change, or get the help we need.


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