I'm not sure what does and doesn't trigger folks so I thought I would err on the side of caution.

The only reason I have joined this forum and am even reviewing/thinking about all this crap is that my body seems to be forcing me to.

When I was about 11, my Dad outdid even himself and, in a rage, stomped my ribs and collarbone until they were broken and threw me across the dining room table. I went in and out of consciousness and the only thing that got me off that table was the fear that my little sis would come home and find me that way. I made myself get off, clean up the mess and get in bed. My collar bone and ribs were broken. My Mom told the school that I had pneumonia and wouldn't be in for awhile. This is the first memory I have that forces me to realize that my mother knew

OK, enough about that, I'm over that rotten memory. However, I'm 44 and my collarbone is on completely backwards and that side of my rib cage is crooked. The older I get, the more trouble it gives me. The Doc says that this will continue because, since I am asymetrical, the muscles etc. always have to compensate. Its pretty painful.

The worst part, and this is tough to admit even here, is that my dad penetrated me with objects - big ones, sharp ones, heated ones. He made me choose which one so he could tell me that it was I that wanted it etc. etc. He once forced a rolling pin by kicking it and I remember hearing something crack. I passed out.

As a kid, I would have black stuff (old blood?) come out of me all the time. My dad explained that Satan lived in me and that it was his sh__. Charming, I know.

As I'm getting older, it is getting increasingly painful - excuciating really, to go to the bathroom and sometimes takes me an hour. I had to discuss this with my doc and he wants me to be scoped ( no way ) and says that I may need surgery to re-route (no way). In the meantime, I take laxatives or the pain is unbearable.

Now, the two issues are ganging up on me. Because of the asymetry, I guess, I have a bulging disk in my lower back. This happened in the gym. I work hard to stay in shape and lift weights 3-4 times per week. I guess I overdid it. Anyway, I found out that I rely on my lower back to brace for the pain in the bathroom and now I can't and the result is agonizing.


Does anyone else have the latter problem? It is so painfully familiar. It has also caused the nightmares to return. I had vivid flashback nightmares in my mid 20's but they disappeared completely the day my Dad died, 11 years ago. A few weeks back, I had the first nightmare since that time and now they occur almost nightly.

Sorry - whiney note. I'm just desperate for some answers.

The other thing that makes me crazy here is getting my back adjuted by the chiropractor. He leans over me and presses down to adjust my back. My logic tells me that this is fine but my mind panics. I had to sit in my car for a long time after the appointment to stop shaking.

I hate to sound like a weanie and I'm not really, in real life. I want to take this stuff on, head-on and get over it. I don't have the time and the patience. I need to be husband, Dad, father, boss, friend, brother..

Wow, how many times can I whine in one thread. It's like I opened the flood gates.

The only reason that I've been able to get sleep in the last couple of years is due to my per>

cjb,

Let me blunt here - you are not whiney and you most ceratinly are not a weenie!!! You are, however, a victim of horrible child and sexual abuse - you are not yet a survivor though.

Survivors of CSA are men who are taking ALL the necessary mesures to get well and to recover from their past of abuse. You are refusing to do that. You doctor wants to perform necessary procedures to correct serious physical problems directly relating to your abuse and you say NO. What you are in fact saying is that you prefer to remain a victim!

Have you gotten yourself a therapist yet, or are planing "to get over it" by yourself?? My friend, I and and a whole slew of other survivors will tell you that that can't be done. Many have tried to go it alone and ALL have failed. You need to be working with a therapsit who is specialized in male CSA issues. That's what a good father and loving husband would do........

OK, I've ragged on ya enough, but just let say this to you in closing: The only way to get over it is to go through it so as to come out on the other side of it. Any other path always leads to a dead end.

I appreciate the directness but I don't completely agree.

I am not a victim and have always refused to be. I am choosing not to have surgery because I simply do not want to.

I am a good husband and father. Period. There's no way that you could know differently.

I went to a therapist and it was useless. I did, however, spend two years reviewing every memory that I could think of with a great Pastor that I really trusted. We prayed after each and I never had that same nightmare again. I have been doing pretty well until the physical things came back up.

I do get your points but I think they were a bit hastey. One size does not fit all. Wow, get the irony in that last statement ;-)

cjb,

For someone who seems to be so focus on being a good father, husband, friend etc. How can you be these things if you do not address the problems both physically and emotionally that are taking there toll on your life.
Why the denial of the abuse that both your father and mother(neglect) inflicted on you. When will you make them responsible for what they did to you as a child. When are you going to stop protecting your mother and father. And begin to protect yourself and your family.
Reality bites sometimes but there comes a time to face it head on.
Whether we like or not.

Mike

I couldn't be more confused. Why do you think I'm not dealing with it? I'm here aren't I? I have to deal with in exactly the same way everyone else did to be in the "survivor club"?

Maybe I'm just miscommunicating. I am not protecting my Dad. He's burning in hell right now and I'm pretty ok with that. My mom made her mistakes but her life was tough too.

This feels more like judgement than compassion. Does it make you guys feel better about yourselves to quickly point out how poorly I'm dealing with it?

Confused.

I will say that I really resent the inference that I'm not, in fact, a good father and that I don't protect my children.

That's not true. If you knew me, you would have no idea that I've suffered anything. My kids are loved and so is my wife. Yes, I deal with some horrible memories but I am very good at being fully functional otherwise.

My Adult children tell me I was a good Father and yet I know when I was in pain I could not give them the best or even the ok of me.
I agree with Joel and Mike and the DR. You describe Horrible abuse and know that there must have been damage done, and the result - left untreated could even shorten your life. If that happened who would then be a good father to your children?
I reply out of concern from another survivor not to attack you.
Dusty

cjb,

No one here is attacking you or is inferring anything even remotely close to you're not being a loving father and husband.

It's unfortunate that you've chosen to misinterpret our concern for your wellbeing, and that of your familly, as anything less than compassion and understanding for the pain that you all find yourselves in.

For any distress that I have caused you, I genuinely apologize.

You know something, cjb? It is very difficult to have to tell a guy the things he needs to hear and it is soooo much easier to tell him what he wants to hear. Unfortunately, doing so often only serves to deepen the illusions that a guy is adamantly maintaining himself in.

Those of us who've been at recovery for twenty plus years already, can easily recognize that you are still in the early stages of phase 1 recovery and make no mistake, my friend, we all thought, just like you, that we had a good handle on things and none of us wanted to hear anything different either when we found ourselves where you are now.

MaleSurvivor is a support site for sufferers of male CSA. That support takes on many and varied forms - compassion, understanding, the offer proven information, silence too sometimes, when a guy just needs to rant and to vent. And then again, sometimes the kindest support you can offer a guy is to rattle his cage in the hopes that you can get him to see that while his intentions are certainly honorable, he is misdirected and headed down the long road to nowhere.

None of us wants to see a fellow survivor go that way and we each of us feels the responsability to try, through our own experience, to guide that survivor on the sure and safest path.

I sincerely wish you well on your journey to recovery, irregardless of the path that you may decide on and please be assured that we will still be here for you whenever you may choose.