I am learning so much here. Thanks to all of you for your help and support. It really feels good to be able to empty out these feelings I have carried around for so long. Thanks for your help.
In my journey I found some "secondary symptoms" that were posted on another site and welcome any comments. I would like to share a few of my thoughts and feelings as part of my emptying process. Hope it may help someone. It helps me in being able to at least express them.

Anger Management Problems- This was a big problem for many years. Everything could be going great and then at the snap of a finger I would be in an instant rage about nothing. Not 100% cured but it is getting better the more I empty my feelings out of my head. Was the anger due to being a victim? Yes I think it so. Angry because I felt like my life could have been better if I had not been abused.

Isolation and loneliness- Because of my job I have to deal with people. I have to be cordial, I have to be friendly and courteous, I have to be outgoing. What a struggle at times but oh so much betterthan it was. I still feel better at home with the blinds drawn in my own world of typing or playing music in my studio. If people enter my world I can deal with it but it seems I stay content in my own world the most.

Depression-much better than it was but at times I do still have to deal with it. I find that it triggers my obsession with pornography. I find if I stay busy I can pull out of the depression. If I spend too much time thinking about it I find myself "looking" again.

Body Image- because of weight problem I still have a poor image of my body. My goal is to get out more and excercise this summer. I am sure that would help my diabetes problem. I have to fight this extra 40 pounds with vigor.

Workaholic- what can I say? Major weakness. Work work work helps to keep me from getting depressed. Maybe its not such a bad thing.

Substance abuse-Thank God for AA and the support I get through that wonderful program. Still clean and sober getting stronger every one day at a time.

Sexual dysfunction or confusion- still working on this one.

Self-mutilation- no problem in this area thank goodness.

Sleep disorders- pretty normal sleep pattern. Sometimes insomnia.

Anxiety and fear-I seem to be able to control this better now but seem to find certain triggers that can set it into motion. Anxious about doing a good job, fear of failure, etc.

Dysfunctional relationships- learning to express myself better without hiding my feelings as much.
Used to really have problems with this one.

Spiritual void or disillusionment- Spirituality is good at the moment. Not suffering from any disillusionments that I know of for now.

Difficulty concentrating-only when I allow myself to become overloaded. Pacing myself and my work helps in this management.

Trust issues- To be honest I still have a problem in this area. Can I really trust what the person is telling me. I have been hurt so many times because I trusted when I should have known better.

I apologize for this being such a long post but I am most grateful for the opportunity to be able to write them out. Xenoman

I can relate to these as well. I dont really have a big anger problem unless I dwell on all the bad shit that has happened throughout the years then I get pissed.
Body Image. I never feel man enough. I do not know why that is?
Sexual Dysfunction and Confusion. Well I corner that market. I dont worry about being gay anymore.
I just fear that I couldnt perform with a woman. And I fantasize about group sex and anything kinky.
I finally have the binge eating under control. I would have a problem if I went to the bars more often than I do. My big issue is that I always feel the need to isolate myself from everyone.

I can relate to some if not most of these. I'm still in school so I have to deal with all my friends who don't know what has happened to me. They seem so blissfully unaware, I want it to stay that way. I don't want them to know how messed up I am. I can realte to the Self Mutilation one, I haven't cut in a few months but it wasn't ritualistic either which scares me.

I was happy to discover that there were a couple of things on your list I haven't had trouble with. Unfortunately, the rest apply.

Isolation and loneliness--My wife was SA, too, so between the two of us, if we could live in a cave or on some island somewhere with absolutely no human contact, life would be good. We're getting better, thanks to some friends without any know issues, but I still know when it's time to retreat and let myself recuperate from over-socializing.

Depression--I've seen the pits of dispair, but thankfully, I'm doing better these days.

Body Image--I was 5' 10" and 125 pounds for about the first 5 years of therapy. It was a personal mission to be the thin one in my family. It made me different, special, since my dad was always fat. It showed I had self-control, where he didn't. I've let go a lot now. I'm up to 170 pounds, and though the old thoughts pop in every once in a while, it feels good to be kind of free from that.

Substance abuse--Is porn and MB a substance abuse? I think it is.

Sexual dysfunction or confusion--This one will follow me forever. I'm with my wife, and I picture abuse. I feel dirty, like I've done something wrong, but I haven't. So I'll avoid the whole subject like the plague, which, when you're married, brings up a whole other set of problems. So I spend time with her, and it starts all over again.

Self-mutilation--I was a cutter, bruised myself all over. I'm so glad that period of my life has passed. I still keep myself away from razor blades and stuff. I think this subject is closely related to body image/control. It's, "I have control over my own body. I can do with it what I want."

Anxiety and fear--Triggers still get me, like feeling someone's breath on me. That'll send me out the door. Or smells.

Dysfunctional relationships--I've had a habit of making the best friends with people who are only out to use me. My wife is not that type, which is a huge step in the right direction.

Spiritual void or disillusionment--My dad was the preacher in our church. I've overcome a huge hurdle in that my relationship with God is good, and I still attend that type of religion, but don't ask me if I think my dad is approved by God. And don't ask me to forgive my dad.

Difficulty concentrating--I'm supposed to be working right now.

Trust issues--I could not have responded to this list even five years ago. I used to trust 100% or 0%. That comes from being raised by a family of liars and secretive people. I've slowly learned to trust somewhere in between.


This was a good discussion topic. Not somewhere I like to go very often, but it's good to look inside and see how things are going. I have therapy this afternoon, so discussions like this get the brain going for later. I'm glad this site is helping you, too. It certainly helps me. It's rare to find a group of men able and willing to speak about the "unspeakable". Like we're all in this together, and we will get better.