Newest Members
mossTI, E35, 1975, Lucy, StacyR
12337 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
deaddreamer (41), hkkim (55), tony watashi (44)
Who's Online
5 registered (YYZGIRL, 4 invisible), 21 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12337 Members
74 Forums
63430 Topics
443428 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#281940 - 04/02/09 12:35 PM I am confused..
cainrafael Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 13
Loc: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Hi people...I have been abused and raped when I was 5. I did not know what happened until I was 21 when my ex gf's breakup with me "activated" memories of that incident. She was a survivor too...and another recent unhappy incident that made a huge impact helped me unblocked the rest of the memory. It was not much but it did explain why i hated myself and everyone else so much...I never felt that I was good enough for anyone until that memory got unlocked. I was scared of people when I was young after the incident...my parents...I am not sure if they knew what happened but they ddint do anything except lock me in the house more...I did not tell them.

I pretended that everything was ok when I was young..but now when I know what happened...I tried to move on. For months everything was going great: nice job, nice friends..nice collegues until some trigger caused it to come out and I realized that I never moved on. The feelings of "what is he gonna do to me" are back..and I hate myself for it...I find myself filled with fear and hatred.

sometimes I wonder if I should really let a guy violate me just to get back in touch with what happened...I hate myself that much...sometimes when I pee and I looked at my penis I get very disturbed...so I circumsized to prove to myself that I am not afraid of pain...was also symbolic of me moving on from this issue but in reality I wanted my dick to look like the guys' so that he wont do it to me anymore...so that when he takes my pants off he'll get turned off....in my nightmares

why is it that...when I thought that I have moved on...I never really did? that I am back to square 1? Is this normal? how to not let a trigger "rape" me again?

I'll post my story later...its nothing much compared some of the survivors here...and i do feel ashamed.I've been dealing with this and nothing helps. my friends do not understand...even the female survivors...i feel like everyday I am living a fake life with a timebomb underneath...that I am so dirty and violated that I should have died to be pure again..

I'm glad i found this forum..its not easy for me to write this or read...but at least its better than clueless people...


Top
#281944 - 04/02/09 01:22 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: cainrafael]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Hi cain,

Welcome to MS and the beginning of your journey.

Like many of us who first came here you have lots of questions and there will be more.

The things you are experiencing are not unusual for survivors.

It is important to know that it was not your fault although you may not believe that right now.

This journey is not a quick one so please take your time, read, learn, research, treat yourself well, share and post when you are ready.


Heal well my friend.

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

Top
#281961 - 04/02/09 05:01 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: Juni]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hello:

Welcome to our support site. Glad that you found us. I think that you will find us to be a caring and understanding bunch of guys. We are all here together trying to find our freedom.

There are several good recovery books that you should try to look through. Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS is a great introductory text, and Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER, is a more in-depth book on the subject of what happened and recovery. Both books are available for purchase from our own online bookstore off of our homepage. John Bradshaw also has several book that might be helpful in your recovery. His book THE FAMILY is a good book on an abusive family upbringing, his book HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, is a good book on recovery from shame, which all survivors must deal with, and his book HOMECOMING is an inner-child recovery book. Another book that helped me in my own recovery is SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. The Bradshaw books and Dr. McKay's book are available on Amazon.com or at many big-city bookstores.

Being raped and sexually assaulted at the age of 5 is fairly serious abuse actually. Your covering it up is likely a symptom of PTSD. Building your self-esteem and confidence is an integral part of completing recovery. Feeling worthless and being angry about what happened are steps toward recovery. Like Juni says, recovery can be a lengthy process. But you have taken one of the hardest steps. You have admitted the problem and you have reached-out for help. So you are already making progress toward your recovery.

Keep coming back, you are not alone here at Male Survivor.

Together we can find our freedom,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#281965 - 04/02/09 05:19 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: Trucker51]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
Hi cainrafael,

Welcome to Malesurvivor. I feel your pain and i am glad that you found us.

I can tell that you have lots on your mind, and you are probably confused by lots of your feelings, but by talking about these things i hope things will become clearer for you. You are not alone.

Being able to talk about these things is difficult, and you should pace yourself. Exploring abuse issues is a powerful and energy draining experience, but it is worth it in the end.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#281966 - 04/02/09 05:19 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: Trucker51]
nightlinger Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Canada
Mark:
Thanks for the kind words and support, it's too bad we don't have the organizations like this up here but we're trying. If you go to www.afterfostercare.ca the "home page" will open up and at the top left side, there is a "drop down", hit the tab "About Us" and scroll down to the 4th person on that list and you'll be able to read a brief bio and what we're up to and you'll also see my ugly mug and name which might help with some more connections. Thanks again, Dave


Top
#281975 - 04/02/09 06:03 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: nightlinger]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hello Dave:

Sounds like you have your hands full up there. I flew a small plane over Ottawa a few times, and landed it in Peterborough and Bancroft too. A friend's family owns a cabin on an island in Long Lake near Apsley there.

This organization started in the mid-1990s in Minnesota. Mic Hunter was one of my former therapists in 1997-98 and has an advisory role in the site. For the most part I have been moving through advanced recovery without my past dragging me down with only the occasional setback. I have been on disability for the last year and have been involved here in a volunteer capacity trying to help give something back to the program that helped me find my own freedom between 1986 and 2000. Somehow I got lucky and found experienced therapists and a male survivor support group when I was in attendance at Cleveland State University beginning in the Fall of 1986, and more professional help and the Wings support network in Denver in the mid-1990s. I am also a Hazelden grad too.

Anyhow, glad to make your acquaintance. Hope that we can be of some help to each other. Our member Michael Banks is a former Marine and we have other ex-military including ex-Vietnam era military here too. I believe that our member Ron (Sans Logos) was in the military in the Vietnam-era, and there are others too.

Our organization runs several intensive recovery weekends (WoR) every year, and last Fall we had one in Ontario. I don't know if we are having another one this year there but you could check the schedule off of the homepage. We just had our Sequioa WoR last weekend, and our next Level One weekend is coming up in Georgia. We also have a Level Two weekend coming up in Utah in early Fall, I believe.

Stay in touch, I'm sure that we can help each other.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#281987 - 04/02/09 08:12 PM Re: I am confused.. [Re: Trucker51]
nightlinger Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Canada
Mark:
This isn't going to be a quick reply but is a copy of an e-mail I sent to the Premier of Ontario and the Prime Minister of Canada about this group and Simona and Jim Hall.
MALE SURVIVORS NEWSLETTER FROM U.S. RE CANADA'S SCREW-UP‏
From: davidwitzel@hotmail.com
Sent: March 26, 2009 2:56:34 PM
To: ahorwath-qp@ndp.on.ca; DICK (dmcguinty.mpp.co@liberal.ola.org); john.tory@pc.ola.org; layton.j@parl.gc.ca; drphil.com@drphil.com; cornwall@theinquiry.ca
Cc: a Alice (ardadvocate1@yahoo.ca); a-joanSpec (jwalters@thespec.com); a jim (jhall@rougevalley.ca); letters@thecitizen.canwest.com; letters@thespec.com; letterstotheeditor@standard-freeholder.com; lettertoed@thestar.ca; a afterfostercare@yahoogroups.com (afterfostercare@yahoogroups.com)
Bcc: Simona 2 (jellinek@jellineklaw.com); kevin heffernan (kevin@jellineklaw.com)

Dear Mr. Ed & the rest of Y'all:

On the first page of this American Newsletter for which we have no counterpart and even less help for the victims, you will see that the head of this outfit has as it's introduction and lead story, my lawyer MS SIMONA JELLINEK. On page 8, you will also notice under the heading "A Caregivers Perspective" the name of a man who is one of the foremost authorities on Adult Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual and Physical Abuse in the world and his name is JIM HALL. Simona is not only my lawyer but in fact is deeply involved in helping the abused be they white, black, straight, gay, lesbians and homosexuals and as a matter of fact, there isn't anything that she wouldn't do to help anyone. I have been blessed to have met Simona and have her take on my case but for her, it is not just a job that she is doing, it is a continuous work in progress for those who have had the misfortune to have been abused be they young or old or whatever. Simona is one of those rarities in life in the world of women and for that matter for men too in the fact that not only is Simona one of the smartest women but she is also one of the WISEST people in the world, bar none!! It would appear that I have been blessed in my life to have been taken under the wing of her and several other wise women, my wife Maureen and our daughter Kelly and others so guys, I guess y'all know who I think the smartest people in the world are, eh? Just in case you don't catch my drift, the smartest people overall in the world are NOT guys but in fact are WOMEN!!! And as for you Dictator Dalton McGuinty, you and your ilk are the perfect example as to why that prior sentence is true and I won't even knock a guy when he's down and out, eh Tory? By the way Dick, I'll look forward to being part of kicking your butt out of office, that is if Ontario is still in existance they way you are both lying to us and screwing us all except your business pals, eh? Don't worry, you'll get yours, just give us 2 years.
As for JIM HALL, when you read his write up, remember that this is the man who leads our group of Adult Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual and Physical abuse that I have been going to for almost 5 years now and if it wasn't for him there would be many members who attend the group every Weds night who would be still lost and out in the cold, so to speak. This man is if not the foremost authority on Male Survivors and survivors of either sex, certainly is right up there at the top but from my perspective he is THE AUTHORITY and the guys in our group surely believe that if Jim so desired to walk on water, it would be so. If you notice in the brief write-up of Jim, he travels all over the far north at the behest of other Institutions and is recognized by them as the leader and for a white man to go up to the far north to be amongst the Aboriginals and to be welcomed with open arms and the deepest of respect by both the tribes AND the elders and to help set up and run Abuse programs up there, well what more can I and others say about the man? LOTS, but I'll save that for another day.
Anyway, I guess I've rambled on for long enough but, keep the above 2 people in mind as they both are a "Godsend" to the world and it's just a shame there weren't more people like Simona Jellinek (and her clerk, Mr. Kevin Heffernan!) and Jim Hall so, I'll leave you the link below and please read it for yourselves and pass the link around and also, don't hesitate and as a matter of fact, bring it to the attention of both your MPP's and you MP's and maybe, just maybe we'll be able to deal with these issues with laws that are both put in place and have "teeth". And maybe the "Super-Immunity" that the CAS's & CCAS's appear to have will end and they will have to be responsible for not only their actions but also their screw-ups that allow more kids to be hurt of killed.
By the way, JIM HALL is the man's contact info that I gave to the Cornwall Public Inquiry via the "Concerned Citizens of Cornwall" who saw fit to forget about him and the meeting that I had arranged to get help for the abused up in that town of Cornwall. So much for their concern, they held some sort of meeting (as they know best) and not one single male survivor showed up, except the one that was with the CCR. What a shame for all of those victims who could have been helped but then again, I would allege Cornwall has had it's blinders on for decades and we won't even talk about Prescott or the Children of Duplesis, eh Paul Scott? Thank you for listening (or not!), sincerely Dave Witzel


Top
#282049 - 04/03/09 03:45 AM Re: I am confused.. [Re: nightlinger]
cainrafael Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 13
Loc: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Thanks for the support tho. I'd want to read those books. I saw one of them in a bookstore but I did not have the courage to read it because I just dont want to be reminded about it. I cant handle all the feelings that come...another issue is lack of money and credit card...but I will find a way to buy them, maybe through Borders or something...

the details are all back now and it feels as if the only way out is death. I know I am hetero but I am sexually attracted to men because there was a stage where I'd masturbade to my nightmares to help me deal with it...I feel like an absolute freak now...messed up.

from where I come from, there is no support for male sexual abuse survivors and I have told my friends before about what happened trying to get help but they just didint believe anything I said and saw it as a cry for attention.

I want an end to this...where should I really start? I'm sick of being weakened by triggers all the time. It's too painful.


Top
#282054 - 04/03/09 05:01 AM Re: I am confused.. [Re: cainrafael]
Jethro8 Offline


Registered: 03/16/09
Posts: 29

Hi cainrafael,

I know you are probably overwhelmed by thoughts and stuff spinning around in your mind right now, please keep hanging here at male survivor.
You will have good days and rough days, reach out here for help on those days.
As you can see on this site yo are not alone in your struggles. When you feel its too much take courage that you are not alone, guys here can totally relate to how you feel.
When tough flashback come don't let your perp trigger and win.
Post here and call for help to overcome.
Hang in there.

Jethro

_________________________

Top
#282063 - 04/03/09 07:28 AM Re: I am confused.. [Re: Jethro8]
cainrafael Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 13
Loc: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
sometimes I really wish that..why not some guy rapes me very badly, then strangles me to death..why was I not killed to be spared from all the screwups it has costed me?

until now, I cannot socialize properly. There is always a fear that guys will always hurt me...every man is a potential rapist even though logically and conciously I know that I am strong enough to not let it happen again...

from where I come from, it is very hard to talk about this because there are no professionals trained to help you out of it. My parents believed that all mental problems were self inflicted and that meditation would cure everything (they knew something was wrong when I was young..I always wanted attention and I was socially withdrawn, almost fearful to people and I was not always like that yet they did nothing) or maybe they didint want to face the fact that something bad happened?

since I had no access to drugs I often kept myself awake and used the lack of sleep as a way to escape. I'd get immersed in online games and video games and pretend to be another person...just because I hated myself that much....

I can do more..but at the end of the day...I am still a boy who cannot defend himself...


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.