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#281401 - 03/30/09 10:23 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
Quote:
"Homosexual men can have opposite-sex erotic thoughts and fantasies as well"



an interesting point...it would seem however that if they have those thoughts and acted out on them, would they be truly gay? even though they may identify as gay?

social pressure to be one or the other has forced many of us...to identify as gay, but we very well may not be...if someone had asked me only 7 years ago if i was gay i would have said yes, and i would have told them i though i was born that way....asking that question now,...the answer today, is not at all the same, ...no i don't think I'm gay...I'm not sure what to think...because the "belief" i am born gay...is someone else's presupposition about my sexuality and not based on facts..and my ability to self assess, and honestly look with some clarity at my childhood has changed my self perceptions...i would gather that my situation 7 years ago is not unique, but if i never took the time to deal with things,..then what would i be saying today? i might continue thinking im one way, but living a lie,...i would think there are a number of people who because of social pressure to identify as one or the other might choose to identify as gay, under false pretenses, because if we have any SSA's at all,(regardless of how strong they are or where they come from) then we are told we are gay...and likewise there are heterosexual who i identify as srt8 for the same social pressure....though they very well may be gay or bi...

the interesting thing is, that no one is telling homosexual men who have erotic fantasies of females that they are secretly heterosexual and they should just accept that and come out and live an affirmed str8 life,...why is that? but yet the gay community seem perfectly at ease with making that assumption of people who have erotic thoughts of men...they will go so far as to to call you a self hating delusional homophobe if you don't bend to their way of thinking...(and yes Ive been called that by gay people)...seems heterosexuals are not the only ones who can be bigoted.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (03/30/09 10:30 AM)
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#281623 - 03/31/09 08:50 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Although we might have only experience with just one gender (or a few incidents/partners of the other gender), we probably have a larger range of attraction/arousal.

So, a person may have no or limited experience with persons of the same gender but have more fantasies with people of the other gender.

The labeling gets confusing and is probably not accurate, particularly when you have the joker in the deck (csa).


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#281636 - 03/31/09 10:24 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myboyhoodfears]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
myboyhoodfears
you express my feelings precicely

I just want to be me who I am
and be restored
and become the man God created me to be

not left in the sludge of csa from some veil perp

God restores
He might make us wait whilst building our character

but unlike the psychologists in UK He does not deny His restoration.

because He cares about us.

Nathan

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#281652 - 03/31/09 11:56 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: nathan555]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
unlike the psychologists in UK He does not deny His restoration


nathan i guess you are referring to article that ken posted entitled 'fixing homosexuality', but just to remind everyone reading here that the article is not reporting a blanket agreement or disagreement with the findings. these finding simply stated that a percentage of the therapists who participated in the study are not in agreement with the notion that some people can be cure of their homosexuality. [truthfully i would like to see a similar study done in the other direction: 'fixing heterosexuality' grin ]

as an aside, i think it's important to have articles such as these because they can help us affirm, reaffirm or debunk any conclusions that we may have already reached regarding our sexual identity. for me it's always an open ended question, but i have no reason to induce my determinations around the topic either one way or the other. that is what my recovery journey has given me. i agree with what ken has inferred, that our sexuality is very mercurial and further that it should be honored for the wonderful gift that it is, and that it would be in our best interests to reduce the amount of guilt and shame that seems to get attached to it as a simple concept within itself. it's just unfortunate that we survivors are suffering so deeply with these same questions that every human being, whether abused or not, ultimately will be confronted with in some way shape or form during their lifetime.

thanks for reading,

ron

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#281914 - 04/02/09 08:38 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myshoeisonfire]
Jethro8 Offline


Registered: 03/16/09
Posts: 29

I would consider myself hetero with ssa.
I guess that means my choice is to live a hetero life with my wife. I have remained faithful to her for 25 years of marriage.
My sexual fantasies I would say are strongly ssa, around 80%.
I said to a survivor friend that I reckon this is because a sexual relationship with guys appears to me to be more free of hassals.
He noted that all my same sex encounters were casual and that long term gay relationship also will have relationship issues much the same as hetero ones.
In processing this thought I think he may be right, but my ssa fantasies continue to remain strong.

Jethro


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#281922 - 04/02/09 09:50 AM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: Jethro8]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
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Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
long term gay relationship also will have relationship issues much the same as hetero ones


considering the statistics for failed heterosexual marriages, it makes me wonder what is the point of a discussion of the subject in terms of greater value/lesser value.

the general implication that hetero relationships in general are esteemed healthier feels like a subtle form of bigotry and for people who communicate their disdain for gay relationships the unspoken subtext seems to be: 'at least i'm not the sicko you are'.

that's what i see when i look into the heart of the topic of beneficial priority of hetero versus homo coupling.

ron

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#281978 - 04/02/09 06:20 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: Sans Logos]
Jethro8 Offline


Registered: 03/16/09
Posts: 29

Hi Ron.

I did not intend to offend and an deeply sorry. My survivor friend was answering a statement i made that i said men understand men better than understanding women and i said a gay marriage would have less relationship prob. I never inferred that gay partners were sickos. Though in the part i thought of myself like that i an now more enlightened and becoming and am more comfortable with my ssa. I am accepting of gay guys , man i have two cousins and had a lot of friends who are gay.
I an sorry Ron.

Jethro

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#281996 - 04/02/09 09:31 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: Jethro8]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
egads jethro! i never thought you were saying anything derogatory. i didn't think for a minute that you were saying anyone was a sicko. i was just stating what is the head chatter of those who look down their noses at gay relationships as being inferior to hetero ones.

i should be the one apologizing to you, i am sorry i was not clearer.

i hope nothing comes between our friendship,

ron

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#282003 - 04/02/09 10:25 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: Sans Logos]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
Quote:
truthfully i would like to see a similar study done in the other direction: 'fixing heterosexuality'


i think its well established that heterosexuality it evolutionary purposeful, if people did not breed we would not survive as a species....so this statement is silly...the question, "why are some people not inclined to find attractions that facilitate breeding?" would seem an obvious thing to ask since the very large majority do establish these attractions to some degree...if exclusive homosexuals could have children within the confines of biology then the question is moot...unless I'm missing something that cannot happen...so the question is biologically relevant.,,right? and then this would lead to the next obvious question "can homosexuals be retrained to be heterosexual or "fixed" as it were, to bring them to a a state that facilitates breeding?" would also seem biologically relevant.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (04/02/09 10:33 PM)
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#282005 - 04/02/09 10:38 PM Re: CSA effects on sexual identity [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
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Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
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