Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (ac9, 2 invisible), 11 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63366 Topics
443094 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#281909 - 04/02/09 04:08 AM Telling women about your past
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Hey,

My stuff started when I was a little boy and went until I was 17, then my dad got too ill, He died when I was 18. He assaulted my two sisters all the time too and I expect the brothers got it as well but they are not talking. Mother got beaten up a lot too, but truth be told she cleaned me up afterwards so she knew. My dad who was a pastor who taught my sblings and I he was God. Take that german guy Fritzl, stir in Fred Phelps and you got my dad. Lots of torture, whippings, violence, spiritial abuse, and being forced to make terrible choices. Just crazy crazy warped stuff.

Pretty proud of myself though. Have done lots of recovery work for 30 years. Have had 2 girlfriends but mainly thought I must be gay and actted on this to the point where I convinced myself I am. But I don't believe so anymore.

I am NOT in recovery from being gay. This is NOT an issue of self-hatred or homophobia. I have NOT done reparative therapy. I believe people are meant to be whoever they come to believe they are meant to be, and this is a gift from God, or who or whatever you believe in.

But I have NEVER known who I was meant to be. It has all just been a confusing, perplexing journey.

After all these years of work, I have come to believe I was afraid of being like my dad (who taught me I'd grow up to be just like him), and avoided being around most girls so no marriage so no kids so no being like him (abusive) + if I told most guys I was gay they take off and I'd get to be safe from real friendships which I don't believe anymore can exist for the most part between gay and straight guys (many of the straight guys I have tried to be friends with have all asked for sex, too) + if they were gay I knew exactly how to be to get all I really ever wanted (chameleon to get comfort after the sex part was over).

So now, I have nearly hit the deepest stuff and now discover am getting repulsed by gay sex. It is just not me.

So...I'm slowly figuring out what I like in girls, what I am attracted to, etc., BUT...my greatest fear is, do I be honest up-front about baggage? Both my orientation history, and also being a survivor. I mean, most people know I called myself gay so there is going to be questions.

Any suggestions on how to address this? I am totally in left field. And really scared I'll be more dumb than I already feel. Also feel really really alone. I'm so scared, I am shutting down/shutting off.

Thanks for setting up the site.


Coaster



Edited by coaster (04/02/09 04:13 AM)

Top
#281913 - 04/02/09 08:19 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Coaster
You have survived a painful journey of abuse and betrayal
from your father/ Pastor. I am constantly amazed at the capacity to endure and survive God placed within us.

Firstly I affirm your discovery of your being hetro ans would like to affirm your decision.

I think that the "right" girl, if she loves you , will love you including your orientation history and if you like a girl who doesn't she is not the right one for you because you need a girl who will love you through this and stand by you if anything surfaces from csa later in life.
Nathan


Top
#281916 - 04/02/09 08:47 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: nathan555]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
The thing about disclosure with women is that you don't have to tell every women you're ever going to try and date or hook up with about what happened to you, at least not immediately. It's just another one of those things that you're going to figure out personally on your own. If you feel a need to disclose, examine your situation, consider your boundaries, and then make a decision. If you don't feel the need to disclose, then you don't have to until you feel the time is right.

Good luck!


Top
#281918 - 04/02/09 08:58 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
Jethro8 Offline


Registered: 03/16/09
Posts: 29

Hi Coaster,

I'm sorry to hear what you been through. Its good that you want to process the csa stuff before you commit to a relationship.
From my experience I say that is so wise.
Nathan is right. When you have sorted a lot of stuff out and no longer confused, the right girl would accept your csa past.
The acting out bits would need to be revealed gently.
I found the guys here willing to help with advice, and a shoulder when needed.
You're in the right place.

Jethro

_________________________

Top
#281937 - 04/02/09 12:09 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Jethro8]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Coaster,
I can identify with much of what you have written. My father was a pastor also and abused me till I left home at 18. I too was left with many of the feelings you mentioned. I got married at 20 and divorced at 34. Lived as a gay for 3 years but it did not work for me at all. I was very unhappy.

I gave up trying to be anything and went back to my church roots and began my healing process. I met another woman and when I saw she was getting serious with me I disclosed to her all I understood about my past up to that time. She still insisted that she loved and wanted to marry me and we did marry but I was not recovered or even near it. She married an abused little boy.

It took 20 years and a second divorce to help me grow up. Now I am a man. A real man and I understand what that means.

Disclosure. There is a stage at where a relationship with a woman would be safe and disclosure to someone who loves you would be a good thing.

No details. A woman does not want those pictures in her head about you. General stuff is good but also tell her about your growth and progress to becoming a man. I think that would help. I would do this when you sense that she is becoming serious and thinking about spending the rest of her life with you.

Just my thoughts.


Top
#281964 - 04/02/09 05:16 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: coaster

But I have NEVER known who I was meant to be. It has all just been a confusing, perplexing journey.


Hi Coaster,

The part about being gay, turning straight (uh, maybe...) after 30 years is me too. I too avoided women completely. I've worked on myself a whole lot since I escaped from home too but the confusion around orientation and relationships is the hardest thing.

I've gotten a lot of acceptance from women I've told. Next time I'm going to give it a broad brush and keep the detail work out of a partner relationship. Find other people for that is my advice.

I've always struggled in my life with feeling unbearably alone and afraid. I think many of us here share that.

I know what you mean about people asking questions--who've known you as gay and now suddenly there's a girl on the scene. I so envy people who know what they want or can figure that out. Being estranged, alienated from yourself is so painful.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

Top
#282033 - 04/03/09 01:12 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: LandOfShadow]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Thanks guys...actually have some tears now cause I see there is (shared) understanding and recognition. This is cool and a relief.

The "no detail" is great advice! ..have come to see I often told details to scare people away. Disbelief when the veil is ripped away scares them away further.

One of the other interesting things is over the last decade or so, I've had other men (younger than me, usually in their early to mid-20s) attracted to me. Because of my own baggage, I usually thought they were gay too (explicit sexual advances, asking to cuddle, etc), but have come to suspect they are also wounded/survivors. This brought into sharp relief an understanding that for so many years I sought the company of older men who would
(1) pay attention to me
(2) be gentle and non-sexually loving to me
(3) be a role model for me, and most important
(4) (and for want of a better phrase), let some of that masculinity rub off on me.

This was not just other gay guys, this was any man. I got the strong impression each of these younger guys was seeking the same thing from me. Have any of you done this also? Is this a "normal" aftereffect of abuse? btw what is csa?

Sorry, I am at the start of this journey hope I am not asking too many questions. It'll peter off after a while lol...

Coaster


Top
#282034 - 04/03/09 01:19 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: AndyS87]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
I'm doing group work and just starting (after 8 months) to really sit with feelings, so most of what I say for a while will be "in my head" still...

Qu. wondering if you ever have gotten trigger by the closeness of the other person (as a threat) and disclose to scare them away? I do that I think...


Top
#282050 - 04/03/09 03:57 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Coaster,
No need to apologize or diminish your posts. Your voice is needed and important. Your post really opened up some stuff for me to think about. I dealt with some SSA but never really felt 'gay' '. The anger and blatent shauvinistic home I lived in pushed me down an nhealthy disrespectful path with women. But man, some good deep stuff in there and I appreciate you putting it out there.


Top
#282089 - 04/03/09 11:54 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
Coaster,

CSA = childhood sex abuse
SSA = same sex attraction
T = therapist

I had to learn all this stuff at first also.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

Top
#282098 - 04/03/09 01:00 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:56 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#282247 - 04/04/09 05:44 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
What is a "spider"? (under Who's On-Line)


Top
#282249 - 04/04/09 05:46 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: coaster
What is a "spider"? (under Who's On-Line)


Bot search engines (Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc.) that crawl the internet indexing pages for their searches.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#282349 - 04/05/09 12:59 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: EGL]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Hi myboyhoodfears, I've been crying here a lot knowing there are other guys who understand exactly what the sadness is. thanks so much for speaking.

Coaster


Top
#282621 - 04/07/09 01:15 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
This is a good thread. I have not had any same-sex activities other than what happened between me and a peer (where I was violated. I have a hard time calling it abuse but that's all semantics anyway; It wasn't right that much I know.) My physical relations with women have been a mixed bag. Some were healthier than others, but looking back I realize that I have not been able to keep any around. I can see that I was not able to be close and intimate enough. Can't imagine where the fear of that came from.

Anyway, as I am starting to really face things and grow I feel like I am more capable of opening up. At some point I have to start taking chances. Problem for me is that there is a lot of stuff from my past I don't know how to address, especially in the context of a relationship. There is good advice here and this is definitely a good thread.

Eric


Top
#282736 - 04/08/09 07:57 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: coaster]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 10:53 AM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#282747 - 04/08/09 08:44 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: myboyhoodfears]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Dan,

Loved your post and how rapidly you are moving towards discovering some aspects of who you are that has been hidden for so long. As you continue on this pathway your love and acceptance of self will grow as well.

Understanding you and who you are and want is such a life changing event. Counselors needed to help me separate what happened to me from who I am as a person. Once that began to occur, I found it so much easier to love me and for others, both male and female, to do the same.

Your allowing yourself the freedom to decide who yu are and what you want and not letting the past define you. Such a good thing. I admire your courage and desire for change.

Now is the time to really think about what you do want for yourself and put your focus there because miracles do happen, nothing is impossible.

The best for you,

Ron


Top
#282929 - 04/09/09 01:48 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Freedom49]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Freedom49
No details. A woman does not want those pictures in her head about you. General stuff is good but also tell her about your growth and progress to becoming a man. I think that would help. I would do this when you sense that she is becoming serious and thinking about spending the rest of her life with you.

I agree that is good advice, that is the last thing she needs, those pictures in her mind, but to have her understanding of the issues is important, and for you to share your progress.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#287863 - 05/17/09 09:08 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
Justdealing Offline


Registered: 04/19/09
Posts: 23
coaster,
i am new at all this but what i can say is i understand what you went and are going through. I went through a time when I thought I was gay but after a few "gay" situations, i quickly learned that it was not for me. My body was telling me I was, but my brain and heart were yelling NO! I felt ashamed and dirty. Now, I am married and I love my wife more than anything, and when I told her what I did, we did not talk for days. She finally accepted it for what it was, and i did not have to go into detail. Just remember, be prepared to tell the truth when asked. I didnt,at first, and it did more harm then anything.

justdealing


Top
#288058 - 05/19/09 11:49 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Justdealing]
the sol survivor Offline


Registered: 02/27/09
Posts: 9
Loc: atl, ky, tn, & ny
****potentially triggering*****

MAYBE THIS CAN HELP SOMEONE..........

WHEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT GETTING HELP........ MY OMTHER KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME BUT DID NOT KNOW WHAT....... SHE WOULD OFTEN CALL ND ASK ME IF I WAS GAY....... IF I WAS IT WAS OK BLA BLA LBA............ IT WAS KIND OF ANNOYING GETTING THAT PHONE CALL VERY 3 WEEKS............. SO I

MY ABUSE STARTED AROUND 2 AND CONTINUED OFF AND ON UNTIL ABOUT THE 6TH GRADE. 2 BABY SITTERS AND A PRIEST....... ALL OF MY ABUSE WAS FOCUSED ON MY PENIS........ THE FIRST BABYSITTER WOULD ALWAYS PREFORM ORAL SEX ON ME ONE DAY HE TRIED TO GET ME TO DO IT TOO HIM...........I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THAT BUT IM SURE SOMEONE NEEDS TOO HEAR/READ IT........... THE SECOND GUYWHO LIVED DOWN THE HALL WAS THE STEP FATHER OF MY BEST FRIEND ( HE STILL WORKS WITH KIDS) HE WOULD ALWAYS FIND SOME KIND OF WAY TO GRIND ON ME...... THEN THE PRIEST JUST LIKED TO LOOK AT ME..... ANYWAY...............
DURING MY THERAPY SESSION THAT TOOK PLACE IN A RAPE CRISIS CENTER ( CANT KNOCK IT.... CAUSE THATS WHERE GOD SENT ME, BUT A RAPE CENTER IS NOT EQUIPPED TO TREAT MEN WHO WERE MOLESTED...... THE STAFF WAS ALL WOMEN..... WHY WOULD A RAPE CRISIS CENTER EMPLOY A MALE THERAPIST??????????? IT WAS ON THE 13TH FLOOR...... THEY BUZZ YOU IN AND OUT! YOU SAY THE WRONG THING AND THEY KEEP YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREADY HOSPITAL IN ATLANTA IS A CRAZY PLACE) THE LADY WAS BLACK SO THAT WAS A PLUSE ...BUT I WAS STILL A LITTLE EMBARRASSED TO TELL HER BUT SHE MADE ME FEEL AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE....... SHE SUGGESTED THAT I LET MY LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND IN ON MY STORY....... I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY TO EXPLAIN A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE DONE OR WHY I MIGHT HAVE DONE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT IVE DONE.... NOT TOO USE MY MOLESTATION AS AN EXCUSE BUT AS A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR....... SHE GAVE ME THREE BOOKLETS TO GIVE HER TO READ.................. SHE IS AN AVID READER............. BOOK CLUBS AND THE WHOLE 9........... SHE NEVER READ THE STUFF................ FOR MONTHS I ASKED HER IF SHE GOT TOO IT SHE WOULD ALWAYS BLOW ME OFF OR TELL ME THAT SHE WAS GONNA DO IT........ ONE DAY I WAS CLEANING UP AND I FOUND THEM UNDER A PILE OF MAIL THAT WAS NEVER OPENED........... IT REALLY HURT ME TO KNOW THAT SHE NEVER BOTHERED, SHE ACTED LIKE SHE DIDN'T KNOW , SHE REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT..... TO ME IT FELT LIKE A HUGE REJECTION...... AFTER THAT I WITHDREW AND STARTED CHEATING ON HER AGAIN.......... AS A HAIR STYLIST, MASTER BARBER, EYEBROW & MAKE UP ARTIST I'VE ALWAYS HAD AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF ACCESS TO WOMEN....... WOMEN THAT SEEMED TO KNOW HOW TO ACCOMMODATE MY EXTRA SEXUAL SITUATIONS... I THINK THE SEX THAT I HAD DURING THIS TIME IN MY LIFE WAS ME ACTING OUT OR RELIVING MY ABUSE .... BUT WITH WOMEN.......... THERE WAS A POINT IN TIME WHERE I THINK I HATED MYSELF BECAUSE OF MY STRUGGLE WITH THE FEELING / SENSATION ASSOCIATED WITH THE ORAL SEX THAT MY FIRST ABUSER (VINCENT SHEPPARD, BX,NY CO-OP CITY) WOULD ALWAYS PREFORM ON ME...... MY STRUGGLE WAS ... IT FELT GOOD BUT I KNEW IT WAS WRONG......SO DO I LIKE THAT FEELING SO MUCH THAT I WANT IT FROM A MAN?????????? BUT I'M NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!! OR BI!!!!!!!!!!!!THE MAN WHO LIKED HAVING MY PENIS IN HIS MOUTH IS GAY!!!!!!!! IF IM NOT GAY THEN WHY DID I LIKE IT????????? WHY DID I GET AN ERECTION???????........ THE ANSWER IS IT FELT GOOD BECAUSE .....IF SOMEBODY PUTS THEIR MOUTH ON YOUR PENIS AND SUCKS ON IT ............ ITS GONNA FEEL GOOD AND IT WILL CAUSE IT TO BECOME ERECT... THATS HOW ITS MADE! I FEEL LIKE WE ALL MUST MAKE A CHOICE ON WEATHER OR NOT WE GIVE IN TO THAT SPIRIT / FEELING/ DESIRE TO CONTINUE TO SEEK OUT, THAT POINT OF REFERENCE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE AFTER WE ARE ABLE TO REALIZE WHATS RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG! THERE ARE A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN MEN IN PARTICULAR THAT STRUGGLE WITH THIS ISSUE BECAUSE THERE IS NO SPACE IN THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY TO ADDRESS THE ISSUES OF MALE SEXUAL ABUSE. MEN ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE NEED OR DESIRE TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN SIMPLY BECAUSE THAT WAS THEIR INTRODUCTION TO SEX.... HIS MOLESTER IS THE ONE WHO TOOK HIS VIRGINITY...... JUST LIKE ME........ I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THAT UNTIL A FEW WEEKS AGO.....
THERE IS ALWAYS THE QUESTIONING OF YOURSELF AND YOUR MASCULINITY TO THE POINT WHERE YOU BEGIN TO DO THINGS TO OVER COMPENSATE FOR YOUR LOW PERCEPTION OF YOUR SELF... I.E. EXCESSIVE SEXUAL PARTNERS, RELATIONSHIPS WITH LIMITED LIFE SPANS/ EXPECTATIONS / LACK OF EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY.... ( MOST BLACK MEN ARE TAUGHT AT AN EARLY AGE NOT TO DISPLAY EMOTIONS, EMOTIONS + WEAKNESS, FEELINGS ARE FOR WOMEN; SO TO DO SO WOULD MAKE YOU A SOCIAL OUT CAST WITH IN THE COMMUNITY........ STRUGGLING WITH A HISTORY OF BROKEN HOMES FOSTERED BY SLAVERY & THE WELFARE SYSTEM CONTRIBUTING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FABRIC OF THE AFRICAN AMERICAN HOME BY PROVIDING ASSISTANCE THAT COVERS COLLEGE TUITON, MED/DENTAL/VISION HEALTH PLANS, GAS CARDS, FOOD, & CAR REPAIR MONEY, AS LONG AS NO MAN/PARENT LIVE IN THE HOME....... COMPOUNDED BY THE NEGATIVE IMAGES AND PERCEPTIONS PRESENTED TO OUR COMMUNITY AND OTHERS...... SO WHEN WOMEN FIND WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO BE GOOD MEN , A MANS MAN................................ WITH THIS TYPE OF BAGGAGE CAN SHATTER THE PERCEPTION SHE HAS / HAD OF YOU AS MAN AND THEN BEGIN TO QUESTION YOUR ABILITY TO BE A MASCULINE MAN... IF SHE EVEN ACKNOWLEDGES IT , AND ON A POSITIVE WAY.........



Edited by ModTeam (05/19/09 12:49 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning

Top
#289090 - 05/27/09 01:40 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
shoes_untied Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 8
Coaster,

While reading your original post I was overwhelmed at one point. It sounds evil but when I saw "Lots of torture, whippings, violence,..." I was so happy. I thought that I wouldn't share those things in common with anyone else. I know it sounds stupid but I thought in that way I was still alone.

I found this site last night and I'm still learning how "not alone" I am. I guess I just wanted to thank you for sharing that aspect of your abuse.

Justin


Top
#290595 - 06/07/09 02:58 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: shoes_untied]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
You're very welcome Justin. I'm glad you know you are not alone.

Coaster






P.S. In future, I'll put the note "triggers" into the message.


Top
#293462 - 06/29/09 01:10 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: Juni]
inpainincanada Offline


Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 3
Loc: edmonton
the biggest mistake i ever made was not telling my ex before I was married about my struggles. You dont have to wear a sign, or disclose if you are only dating casualy, but if you are in a serious relationship or looking for a comitment, then some disclosure is required, in my opinion.


Top
#294216 - 07/04/09 03:20 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: inpainincanada]
movingforward23 Offline


Registered: 07/04/09
Posts: 1
First let me say that I really appreciate the honesty and forthrightness on this site... I have been struggling with this for a long time but I really feel like this is the kind of place I was looking for to begin finding answers/myself.

This is very personal but I am going to do my best to get through it all in one post... warning for those who don't want to know too much about me.

I am a probable survivor of abuse that would have taken place before I was 5 or 6 years old. I say probable because I only have one memory of it that for many years I convinced myself was a dream/sick fantasy. I do not have ANY memories of my life before first grade (age 7) and have never been able to explain why that is. Over the years I have come to put the pieces together (low self-esteem, phobia of sex and sexual intercourse, extreme guilt and shame about sex, panic attacks, fear of being touched by any person) and believe that I was sexually abused by my grandfather, who has since passed away. The biggest aftermath of this has been a struggle with my sexual orientation.

Right now I am 23 years old and have for the past few years identified as gay. This came as the result of several years of feeling no strong sexual attraction towards anyone. When I first started to masturbate (age 13 or so, shortly after the death of my grandfather), I thought of boys about my age being tied up by older men, which incidentally coincides with my one memory of abuse. I have never fantastized about myself in any kind of sexual situation, but characters I have created. (And I'm aware that dissociative identity disorder is common in survivors of abuse, but let me assure you I am entirely aware that they are fictional people I created and no part of myself.) At the time I was beginning to date a girl in my class, who I felt a very strong emotional attachment to, but nothing physically. We kissed once in two years of dating and it felt extremely uncomfortable. I had no desire for any sexual intercourse with anyone of either sex.

In high school, I began to develop what I suspected were crushes on guys but never acted on them. I avoided dating until my senior year of college, where I was in a short-lived and sexually unsatisfying relationship with a male. At that point my family had been pressuring me to date women and ultimately my mother cornered me and asked me if I was gay. I told her I thought so and have been "out" to my family and close friends ever since.

After college I moved to a different city and am selectively "out" to my friends and coworkers. I have my first real boyfriend and am starting to realize that our relationship is severely troubled. I have never been able to climax in the presence of anyone (including the current bf) and have difficulty maintaining an erection for more than a few minutes at a time. When I do get an erection, it's thinking about tying the other person up/being tied up. I feel as though this is more of a sexual festishization than an actual physical attraction to my boyfriend or anyone else I have been with. During the time I have identified as gay I have not thought about women sexually and have not seriously entertained the idea of dating one, with the exception of my best friend whom I have been close to ever since third grade (and in fifth grade, before puberty, I believed I was in love with.) We live in different cities now and I have told her I am gay, but I believe she does have romantic feelings for me.

My problem now is the relationship in which I have found myself. I have disclosed to my boyfriend that I believe I was abused and that I have never been able to "perform" sexually. He has been nice and understanding about it, but it is beginning to put a strain on the relationship. He has said several times he suspects that I am not gay, and I don't know what to say to him.

At this point in my life I have not dated a woman since early high school (14-15) and have never attempted to hook up with one. The last thing I want to do is lead anyone on (whether it be my boyfriend or a "test" woman) and I'm quite confused by it. I have never been effeminate and am extremely uncomfortable identifying as gay, especially since I am finding myself repulsed by so much of the physical component of my current relationship and all my past encounters with men. I am open to the possibility that it may be internalized homphobia combined with low self-esteem and emotional vulnerability, but I am not sure. I am planning to move again within the next few months to a city about an hour away. I do not know how long I can continue faking my way through the relationship I am in, but I wouldn't have the first idea how to approach a girl romantically.

If anyone can relate to this in any way, I would really appreciate any help or advice you can give me. Thanks much for reading.

"Mark"


Top
#294221 - 07/04/09 04:21 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: movingforward23]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
.



Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 12:24 PM)
_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

Top
#294231 - 07/04/09 06:23 PM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: myboyhoodfears]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
I'm straight Mark, but what you posted resonates with me. I think you should break off this relationship and explore your hetero side a bit, which you're considering. Your boyfriend is probably expecting you to do this, but be gentle about it. As for meeting women, I'm kind of at the same stage.


Top
#294468 - 07/07/09 02:41 AM Re: Telling women about your past [Re: movingforward23]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
I wish you strength to bear with everything, you are not alone.
Peace&Love
Chris



Edited by krayoss (09/07/09 03:31 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.