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#281701 - 03/31/09 04:53 PM Trigger after Trigger Today (Triggers)
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Hi Guys, its a long one.

I'm sorry, I really don't know why I'm typing this, I just don't know anyone else who knows what I'm going through, or even cares for that matter. I was on the phone for 2 hours yesterday looking for a support group and all I got was one for victims of domestic violence and one for teens that were abused in foster care, both of which passively reluctantly (If that's even a phrase, but you know what I mean) gave me "permission" to show up.

Today was one of the crappiest days I can remember. It started last night.

I went to bed at 10, read for about 1/2 an hour and then took about 30 min to fall asleep. Pretty typical. At 11:30 I woke up and must have had a nightmare because I had this overwhelming feeling that somebody was molesting me in my sleep. I was so convinced I had to turn on the lights and look under my bed, in the closet, and even in this stupid chest I have. I did all this with a baseball bat in my hand. After I laid back down, I couldn't get this memory out of my head of waking up, when I was kid, and my brother was playing with me, but even worse was the memory of waking up and my brother was just standing there watching me. How fucking creepy is that, seriously who the fuck does that?

It made me think back to when I was 7-8ish and learned not to close my eyes until I knew for a fact my brother was asleep, sometimes I wouldn't be asleep till after midnight. It's probably why I have so much trouble sleeping nowadays. What do you guys do about this crap? Sleeping pills give me nightmares and my therapist suggested I do this stupid tapping thing that doesn't work for crap usually. I don't think its environmental, I have somewhat good sleeping habits, and it's almost like my subconscious keeps waking me when I start to dose off, just like when I was a kid.

Anyway, I got no sleep except for that 1/2 hour and had to go to work and pretend like nothing happened, just like when I was a kid and had to go to school pretending like I nothing happened the night before, you would think I would be an expert by now. When I get there one of our architects put her hand on my shoulder, accidentally startled me, and I quickly turned and yelled don't touch me. Why do I overreact to this so much? It seems like such a small thing that pisses me off so much. I later apologized and blamed it on being startled and lack of sleep.

It gets worse. While we were working somebody made a comment about shaving down there and it brought back this memory that I haven't thought of in years. My sick fucking brother made me shave down there until I was 13. And what fucked me up so much, was that I used to do it without him asking so that he would continue to abuse me. Again how fucking sick do you have to be, he's already a child molester?

Again, I'm sorry, there's really no point to this post, I just don't who else to turn to and I'm in kind of a crappy place today. I smoked so many cigarettes this afternoon my throat burns.


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#281702 - 03/31/09 05:08 PM ... [Re: Riley]
St3v3n Offline


Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102
...


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#281703 - 03/31/09 05:10 PM Re: Trigger after Trigger Today (Triggers) [Re: St3v3n]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Riley,

I'm glad you posted this, let it out. I've had a few days of triggers too. Lots of fighting, anxiety in my life right now. And plenty of nightmares and flashbacks.

I think Stephan said it best though: Try leaving the lights on, playing a DVD or consider listening to your favorite music. For me, I cuddle up with a Pooh bear and that usually gives me some comfort, so perhaps an old teddy bear nearby might be a good idea too.

Hang in there, and again, thanks for the post. It really spoke to me today.

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#281727 - 03/31/09 08:09 PM Re: Trigger after Trigger Today (Triggers) [Re: lars3229]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
Hey Riley,
Your post is important and it has great purpose and value. What you are going through is not uncommon. What you went through was terrible and it was wrong. Who you are and what you are feeling is not wrong. How you are reacting is not wrong. It is actually proof of how healthy you are and are becoming.

If you ate bad food your body would identify it and reject it even if it looked okay at the time you ate it. Your body will override what you perceived and vomit, shake, and shudder. The same is true with your mind, spirit and soul. Despite the deception and lies placed upon you to make it happening seem okay, the real you is inside there rejecting what happened. It doesn't want it in there and it is pushing it to the concious surface.

They say its darkest before dawn... well this stuff is trying to come to light. It was painful going in it will be coming out. As professionals and community of support help you process it and heal, it won't still be rattling around inside you.
This is just personal experience and the profs, T's, and monitors will know more. But bro' despite how bad it feels, and I know it feels bad, BUT you are good. If you weren't pushing this out, if you weren't rejecting it inside then be concerned. We are all here for you.


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#281870 - 04/01/09 10:11 PM Re: Trigger after Trigger Today (Triggers) [Re: sojourn111]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
Thanks guys, I appreciate it, I really do. Today was much better.

I have not thought about watching a DVD, I think it will help a lot actually, thats a really good idea.

About the light, I do have a nightlight, so I know where I am when I wake up with a nightmare. Before I had it I would wake up, think I'm still dreaming, and start yelling at whatever I was dreaming about.

Anyway, thanks, I appreciate it,


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#281872 - 04/01/09 10:35 PM Re: Trigger after Trigger Today (Triggers) [Re: Riley]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
Riley,
you are not alone...i woke last night, after having had a dream of my abuser and myself in some wierd situation, Man I hate that asshole..I mean loathe and hate him...I cannot even bring myself to think of all the horrible stuff that I went through. So I am having this dream and know some where that its about this freaking jerk and i want outta of the dream, right? So i wake up scared... and i have an erection...makes me wanna puke, so mad at myself for feeling that way. Its like my mind was so scared it woke me up and my body was glad it was this sick bastard..sorry about the language. I feel like when i slept my mind and body betrayed me...shit...



Edited by nomansanisland (04/01/09 10:36 PM)
_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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