Hello, my name is Mark. I am 57 and a survivor of CSA, physical and emotional abuse, and worst of all, I was used for Child Pornography from the ages of 9-14. I came out of the dark 30 years ago and hid my porn experiences from everyone. I finally had my second suicide episode and began to share the truth about my childhood. I am writing and speaking about the affects of CSA.

I am healing, but like many, all I find are female support groups. I have to travel 1-2 hours just to find a support group and I live near a county of 1.5 million people. I am looking for others, like me, to not be alone. I am strong enough to listen to and support others also struggling. I am just tired of being alone. I am not the only boy used for pornography.

I am hoping to be able to share with others. We were kept alone, in the dark, by our abusers. Together, in the light, we can know that we are not alone. Our experiences make us normal, normal for little boys sexually abused and photographed as we suffered in the depths of our torment.

Can you share with me?

As I fall to sleep each night I hold my sweet little boy. He is safe as I wrap my large arms around him. I whisper that I love him, just as he is. He sighs, safe within my arms. I will not let anyone hurt him again. Sleep my little one, sleep in peace and love. I am the guardian of the little boy within me. He no longer needs to cry alone in the dark. I am here for him and I love him.

I am glad to be here; I am home.

Wow, i have never seen a first post quite like yours before, your de>

Hi Mark,

Welcome to MS. I hope you will soon find that you are not alone here. I am terribly sorry of what you went through as a boy. No one, NO ONE should every endure these awful things yet, in our world evil exists and it is especially sinister when young, innocent children are drawn in evil's cross hairs. It is good to hear that you have been working through these issues for some time. I am also glad that you are looking to reach out more, to not be alone. I think that was the single most important thing that jumped started my recovery processes, learning that I was not alone.


Well said!!!

Again, welcome to MS Mark. Glad to have you on board.

Mike

As I fall to sleep each night I hold my sweet little boy. He is safe as I wrap my large arms around him. I whisper that I love him, just as he is. He sighs, safe within my arms. I will not let anyone hurt him again. Sleep my little one, sleep in peace and love. I am the guardian of the little boy within me. He no longer needs to cry alone in the dark. I am here for him and I love him.
Mark...thats beautiful It made me feel so good. Thanks for showing me a new way to get some rest...and inner peace..nomansanisland

Hi Mark, welcome to the site. I can relate to your experience of child pornography. I was photographed by both of my abusers along with another kids in strange fantasy-like porn poses. Even though I never saw the pictures that were taken, it is not hard to guess what they were used for. I also found a ton of photographs of children I had never seen before stashed in a dark room.

I wanted you to see that I already relate to you and many other guys will do the same. You have found a wonderful place for men survivors.

I love your de>

Damn, I'm slipping........I don't know how I missed your post Mark. I try to be more vigilant about welcoming the new guy who manifests the courage to make that first post.

So Mark, belatedly, Welcome to MS. I hope that you too will find the compassion, understanding and support in sincere friendships that I have been blessed to come to know. I agree with Lewis here, that was an awesome first post - don't remember one quite like it.