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#281671 - 03/31/09 02:29 PM was sex ever talked about at home?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
how did you find out about sex?

was it first through abuse, schoolyard banter or some other avenue?

the first time i ever heard about sex was when my peers started talking about 'it' [meaning the sex act], and how our parents did 'it'. i was devastated to think my parents did 'it'; i wnated to puke, and felt like my elevator dropped 40 floors. why did i have such a sickening feeling about sex before i even had an intellectual grasp of it? was it because i was jealous that my mom and dad had that kind of relationship? later, in my teens i remember asking my mother about it, and she said ' i never turned your father down' as if it was all his fault, and she was only doing her duty. in other words sex was a chore, and of course we we raised in household that believed that sex was morally legitimate when it occurred in the context of a heterosexual relationship that had been sanctioned by the 'sacrament of matrimony'.

all other sex, a perfectly natural human function, was, according to this definition, seriously 'disordered'. nice word....talk about your psychological, emotional and spiritual abuse.

anyway, it seems our personal attitudes toward sex are shaped by the positive or negative attitudes of the systems [family of origin, educational, cultural, religious, political] that birthed us.

does anyone feel like sharing their process of becoming sexually aware?

thanks bros,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#281676 - 03/31/09 02:41 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
when i was real young someone asked me if i wanted to have "sex". no idea what he was talking about but i guess i kind of assumed it was some kind of candy or treat or something and i looked up to the person so I said yes. after it was over and i knew what sex was, or at least i knew what his version of it was i was disgusted with myself and terrified. so growing up all the violence and all the bad stuff that happened to me was just "sex". at some point in school i heard some kids talking about it so i thought well maybe whats been happening to me is normal after all, but they were talking about it like as if they liked it, enjoyed it, like it was something they wanted to do, i couldnt understand why anyone would want to do that and i couldnt understand why anyone would think it was fun or felt good and i was totally confused about it for a long time.
so now i know the difference between sex and abuse but it doesnt mean im any less confused about it.


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#281677 - 03/31/09 02:41 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
Mine was purely through the abuse and external sources.

When I was 11, my mother finally gave me a book, I guess that was her way of giving "the talk".

I read through it eagerly, but was disappointed to find that there was nothing I didn't know, and of course there was a lot I knew that the book didn't cover.

I just always figured there was something special to it that I was missing or didn't have and then to suddenly come to a place or realization that it's pretty much all the crap I already knew really was a huge huge let down.

Hurts. Deep down inside even now as I think about it.


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#281678 - 03/31/09 02:43 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Put it this way, my parents opted out of sex ed completely, just dumping a book in my hand about human biology at 10, leaving any further explanations to the school. So the abuse happened before getting that book so I found out about the birds and the bees from banter and schoolfriends as you say, in particular one older friend who lost it on a school trip. How we envied that guy! laugh

Not that it didn't stop me from swearing off sex in general by 12 as HIV and AIDS was breaking through in the 80s.

_________________________
- CBG

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#281679 - 03/31/09 02:49 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My initiation came pretty early at the hands of some older neighborhood boys. I learned about sex and where babies came from by the time I was in grade school through the neighborhood grapevine. I remember several of us in about 3rd grade looking through an early copy of Playboy that one of my friends had taken from his dad's collection. By then I had already been victimized and was at that time being victimized, though it was just fondling. My folk's sent me to a series of summer camps every summer starting about 4th grade and there was a lot of banter in the camps even from counselors there during that time too. By the time that I was 4 I had seen my sister nude when my mom changed her diapers or when mom used to bathe us together. By the time that I was 12 I had played "doctor" or "show & tell & touch" or "strip poker" with a couple neighborhood girls too and this continued a few more times along with skinny-dipping with them in the lake behind our houses at night. The first time that I had consensual straight sex was a few weeks before my 15th birthday with a same-age gal on the bus on the way to summer camp the last time that I went, which was in the Summer of 1972. This event happened right after a horrid two weeks alone with my parent's ex-Vietnam Marine church friend, and came just before my mother's violent attack when I tried to disclose to her after she caught my 13 year-old sister and I nude in our motel room together involved in a little consensual sex play.

That was the event that really set me back and made me clam-up for the next 14 years after that. My mother and her extremist religion views said that sex was only for procreation and that sex was "dirty". Her religious-influenced prudishness and over-protection of her church and its members at all costs threw me for a real loop a week after my 15th birthday. But at least by then I had already experienced the joy of a consensual sexual relationship with Nancy for 3 weeks at summer camp.

Thanks Nancy, I still remember you,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#281748 - 03/31/09 10:12 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: JBells]
mapleleafsn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 131
Loc: Eastern Canada
No! absolutely not!! I didn't even see my parents kiss, hug or holdhands. Any talk of sex or even anything remotely similar or anything was strictly forbidden. At age 6 when my uncle abused me he never used the word sex. Around age 8 or 9 my older brother about 12 at the time had a friend staying overnight. My parents were out for the evening and they were watching the BabyBlue movie on channel 79. We had just recently got cable and apparently this was the channel to watch on friday night at midnight. I crept down the stairs and hid behind a wall. I could see the TV screen but my brother and his friend could not see me. My eyes were glued to the screen. There was a party going on with everyone naked and touching and moaning and moving all over. Then one scene showed a woman giving oral to a guy and I started to shake. All I knew was that this channel had sex and it was bad for us to watch and I saw people doing what my uncle made me do to him. I bolted back upstairs and just quivered and shook for about an hour.

The next morning I asked my brother and his friend what it was that they were watching. He threaten to smash my face if I told mom or dad what they were watching. I told him that I would not tell I just wanted to know more about what I did with my uncle without letting my brother know. He and his friend tried to give me the facts of life in their own young adolesent way.

For the most part my sex education was from the street and poolhall and the few girlfriends that I had during teens. My mother never spoke the word, only made constant remarks about how my father could not please her and that I was going to be the same when I grew up.

That was my introduction to sex.

Steve

_________________________
When the pain of remaining the same finally outweighs the pain of change---things will begin.... life is meant to be enjoyed not endured.

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#281749 - 03/31/09 10:17 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Trucker51]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
My story's rather different, ---- and almost the opposite way round.

I heard the word quite early on at my first primary school, but didn't really know what it meant, ---- simply assumed it was a joking swear word.

At the age of about 5 or 6 I distinctly remember having a conversation with my mum where she explained that babies grow inside the womb, and when I asked her "But how do you decide to make one" she just said "the woman just decides to" and left it at that.

The boarding school I attended from the age of 8-10 was positively victorian, ---- they even thought that "heck" was swearing, and I don't even think I heard the S word at all. I did fall very seriously in love at the age of 9, but about the most we did was hug and kiss each other on the cheak when we were both thrown out of P.e. for forgetting our kits.

Somewhere around that time my then 18 year old cousin got me to fondle him on several occasions, but nothing went any further than that, and once I told my parents what he'd had me do we were never left alone together again.

At ten, first my mum, then my dad sat down, read me a book on the subject, and explained it to me. It was explained as something both natural, and reasonable to do with the right person. It was very much stressed to me that this was perfectly fine, ---- I even remember sharing a cabin with a 9 year old boy on a comping trip, and him making a remark which showed clearly to me he didn't know about the subject, ----- but I simply left things, and certainly didn't bother making jokes, sinse it was all fine and normal, any joke would just be pointless.

All this completely changed at secondary school. What my parents told me was absolutely fine was seen as a thing to make jokes about, jokes which down right confused me. We used to have a ritual where I'd tell my parents any new terms I'd come across at school and they'd explained them.

I tried to join in said jokes, but they just felt wrong, and completely stupid to me, ---- sinse there were much more interesting things to talk about.

By the age of 12 this left me entirely isolated, and by 13 the seriously bad stuff started to happen. I don't remember precisely the first time I was fondled, ----I might have been 13 or 14, but I did know it got to the point eventually of having my trousers removed in public, or being forced to touch a girl while having my face spat in.

I learnt to associate anything to do with the subject with being hurt and abused, and stil have trouble hearing the S word or seeing things which are particularly explicite.

a
As to anything consensual, I'm 26 and have stil never even kissed anyone, and the fact that the physically closest I've been to anyone was while being insulted, reviled and humiliated hurts! a lot!


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#281759 - 03/31/09 11:24 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: dark empathy]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
no one ever talked about sex in my household in any official way...i wasnt sat down and told about it....but porn was readily available around the house so learned it that way,..objectify and use...there was "brief" sex ed in school when i was 13 or so...but by then i already knew the machanics of it straight from Hustler magazine...and Penthouse, at least since i was 5 or 6 and surely before 8...i never associated my CSA with sex untill well after it happend...im guessing at probably around 12 or 13....i cant be sure when i first understood what happend was a sexual act...its weird though because i knew about sex before the incident, im pretty sure...maybe because of how the incident was framed for me, by my uncle and brother...im not sure i was able to make the connection that what i was doing was sexual at the time, or that it was similar to what i saw in magazines...which were a curiousity for me more than anything at age 5...i will say that my childhood was full of termoil and upheaval...so its a tricky thing to place feelings and memories in the exact order in which they occur...i have to reference things by where i lived, or what school i was in...because we were all over the place..back and forth...its hard to keep these memories in order without some stable point of refernce.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#281887 - 04/01/09 11:53 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: myboyhoodfears]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Nope, not even. I was just left to twist in the wind. Steal a playboy or two from the local market, take as gospel what the neighbor kid/abuser told me, and believe everything I heard in the restroom and on the playground at school. Reliable information, eh?

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#281894 - 04/02/09 12:16 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: WalkingSouth]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
I learned about sex from my abuse at age 6. And then watching porn a lot after that. My mother showed me at the library where the books were on puberty when I was around 12, but that was it.


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#281896 - 04/02/09 12:35 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: loberhead]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I remember learning about it through my abuser a guy who I thought was my friend. He always told me about what his parents did. I often wondered if he watched his parents consummate. I was surprised by all the details he shared regarding sex. I think I was curious but also disgusted at the same. I remember my abuser showing me scrambled porn on HBO and trying to have me get into the porn, what a sicko.

Growing up my father always and still too this day refers to sexual intercourse as "the dirty deed". He always tried to shame me of sex and how dirty it was, according to him.

My father, what a way to have such an uplifting and positive attitude regarding a shared connecting experience between two consenting adults.

Charlie.


P.S. Great topic by the way.


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#281899 - 04/02/09 01:15 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Charlie24]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
I dont think i was taught about it, it was always there. I mean, i never had the sex talk, but i knew about sex, i dont remember talking about it with my friends, but i knew about it, i used to play about with a girl too, or she used to play about with me if i am more accurate, sure we didnt know exactly what the procedure was, but we knew about the mechanics of it. God knows how she knew that much, she had a messed up family too.

But then i guess its different, isn't it, it doesn't have to be taught or talked about, not when it is happening to you all the time. I guess maybe the question doesn't apply to me i suppose.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#281908 - 04/02/09 03:50 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: loberhead]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Sex wasn't talked about at home for me either. By the time I hit puberty my dad was far too repressed, and my mother was too busy making moves to live with her lesbian lover. Sorry if this sounds weird but its the truth.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#281919 - 04/02/09 09:07 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: jls]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
It wasn't talked about much in my house but if somebody asked a question we usually got a pretty honest answer. I actually learned about sex when I happened upon an encyclopedia entry when I was in 4th grade that explained what the sex act was and roughly how it was accomplished.

Everything that happened to my cousin up until that point in time I didn't consider sex, cause I thought any kind of sex would have been with a woman, not my cousin. Then one of my friends told me all about how gay people have sex and when I realized that my cousin had tried to get me to do that anally and did get me to do that orally, I think I just about distanced myself from the subject and shut off everything inside me that had to do with sex. The word "fag" or "homo" or "queer" may be nothing more now than a casual insult hurled around on the playground, but to me every time somebody said that to me I used to freak out because I thought they must have known something about what happened between me and my cousin. From that point onward there was never any feeling of love or anything else that I associated with sex, at least not consciously.


All that mattered was the orgasm, but in my mind masturbation was something perverts did (this is what I thought after watching my cousin, despite so desperately wanting to be like he was) and that all women wanted in sex was somebody with a huge member. That was the start of an inferiority complex and obsession about my penis size that lasted until after I started college. I used to wonder if I was gay for wanting to see what other guys I knew were packing (that started in elementary school) but at this point realize that part of that is just stuff that kids do, and the rest of it was all abuse related. I was constantly comparing myself to other guys, and I never tried dating any girls until after high school because I was convinced I wasn't adequate enough for any kind of sexual relationship. I wasn't well endowed enough, my arms weren't strong enough, I had too much baby fat so I didn't have a six pack, so no girl would want me. All self image stuff like that. I felt, and to a degree still do feel, like I had to have an absolutely perfect physique. I didn't even consider all the other elements that go into relationships. Too bad, but those years are gone now and I can't change em, as much as I wish I could.


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#281923 - 04/02/09 10:11 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: AndyS87]
Jesse92 Offline


Registered: 03/22/09
Posts: 102
Loc: The Netherlands
Definitely not. But then again.... We never talk about anything in our house. We're just 3 strangers who happen to live in the same house. Me being my dad's boxing sack - not someone you talk too.
So I was only 4 when the babysitter started to abuse me.. Not until I was about, 11, I figured out what exactly it was - and how wrong it was what he was doing.
I guess.. I'm to selfconsious to dare go up to a girl I like. I don't think I could go any further then Maybe, kissing anyway.
My friends tell me I'm to shy but when they tell me this and this girl likes you... Well I never act on it. And the girl gives up soon enough too, when I don't react on her flirting.
I even once panicked and ran-walked out of the bar me and my friends were sitting to get away from a girl that was trying to flirt with me.
No... for now I'm not stable enough to get into any kind of relationship. I would probably scare the poor girl by freaking out if she'd try to kiss me or anything.

Jesse


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#281931 - 04/02/09 10:48 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: AndyS87]
sironsea Offline


Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Andy what you have shared really resinates with me. I always felt inadequate in my looks to when I compared myself to other guys and their build. Eventhough I was one of the taller ones, I was never that thin, never and will never have a six pack amd though I honestly am well endowed, after the first year of being felt up daily on my bus ride home from school and being forced many times to masterbate a guy who I thought was my friend, I felt very odd and set apart from everyone. I was always sure that eventhough Billy told me he was only not telling people about what I was doing was beause I complied. It felt dirty and I felt stupid for letting him have that power over me and felt helpless in getting away from him. He bullied me for 2 years until I fought back.
My parents had talked to me about sex, but I think that all I endured after hearing about it just made me feel like a wierd kid who wasn't worht regular (as I called it then) sexual relations and that I was dirty and attracting everything that happened to me. I felt like a freak. Like a hore. I felt and sometimes still feel dirty, wierd and like an outcast person set out from the crowd. Like Mary in the Bible... I hope that all makes sense...


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#281939 - 04/02/09 12:20 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Jesse92]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england

I guess.. I'm to selfconsious to dare go up to a girl I like. I don't think I could go any further then Maybe, kissing anyway.
My friends tell me I'm to shy but when they tell me this and this girl likes you... Well I never act on it. And the girl gives up soon enough too, when I don't react on her flirting.
I even once panicked and ran-walked out of the bar me and my friends were sitting to get away from a girl that was trying to flirt with me.
No... for now I'm not stable enough to get into any kind of relationship. I would probably scare the poor girl by freaking out if she'd try to kiss me or anything.

Jesse [/quote]

Isn't that the truth. I'd say probably about %80 of my friends are female, and on at least two occasions other people (including my parents), have been certain a girl has fallen seriously for me and I've just not seen it. In fact I remember one occasion with a girl who unexpectedly hugged me, and I completely froze, ---- sinse that was far too much a reminder of my abuse.

I really want that connection with someone, ---- yet at the same time I'm incredibly afraid, ---- and the sterriotype that the bloke has to make the first move really! doesn't help. If said girl had just told me something instead of trying to hugg me, I'd have at least not panicked.

I'm really sorry about the off topic wrant, it's just what you said here Jessie really resonated with me.


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#282043 - 04/03/09 02:52 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: dark empathy]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Hey, I totally get how you feel!


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#282167 - 04/03/09 11:22 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: coaster]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1124
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Alas, it was the porn books and magazines I found at 11. Still do not know who they belonged to. The stories taught me about incest, pedo, bestiality, rape and torture. Nothing about love.

My parents never discussed the subject with me.

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#282436 - 04/05/09 07:47 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: loberhead]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I would have to say I got ripped off with the whole sex ed deal. My parents never gave me the talk nor ever said the word sex in front of me. I despise my parents on many levels and this is one of them. They let me grow up and go thru high school without the talk and it made me even more sheltered and nieve. I remember finding some Playboys with a friend when I was young and seeing what adults do but that was soft porn compared to what my perp did. My perp at 11 taught me what sex was and most of it was his twisted version of it. He told me as any perp would that everyone does it and used that line in front of all that he wanted me to try with him. I sometimes wonder what normal sex is.


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#282467 - 04/06/09 01:10 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: nevragan]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I suffered all kinds of anxiety and confusion because of what I didn't know, and of course by the time it was formally "taught" to me in school, I had learned it all by other means. I remember when I had my first orgasm I thought "I'm having a heart attack!... wait.. kids don't have heart attacks do they?


_________________________
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My Art

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#282469 - 04/06/09 01:17 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: nevragan]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1961
I can't remember when I first knew about sex but I think I knew fairly early on. I and some friends also found a couple porn magazines when I was younger, some time in elementary school. I remember looking at the pictures. I had a neighborhood girl try to use me to make another boy jealous by putting my hand down her pants, and also later I remember having sort of play sex with this same girl though we didn't know what we were doing (though thinking about it I realize I obviously knew a bit about it given the situation; weird I haven't thought about this is a long time) I also remember being in 5th grade and at a friends house reading a magazine with porn stories. When I was propositioned by a friend I knew clearly what he wanted and knew I didn't want to go there. Although I would have never come up with what he came up with, I was well aware of what he was looking for. Looking back I'd say my sexual relations after this happened were damaged, but maybe not all of them. It certainly screwed things up.


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#282485 - 04/06/09 07:55 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: ericc]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
When I was nearly 12 (I think) my Dad took me aside and gave me the talk and told me I could go to him if I had any questions. But that was it. Sex wasn't a topic that was openly discussed, as if it was anything normal. And by the time my Dad talked to me I had already been abused for nearly two years.

Mainly what I learned from the talk with my Dad was that the things happening to me were about sex - I hadn't made that connection before. And as he spoke to me I thought wow, he sure does know a lot about sex. But then it occurred to me, okay, so why can't he see what's happening to me? But then I thought wait, if he does figure it out, wouldn't that be even worse? So I was horrified and terribly ashamed and was soon thinking about suicide (again). What a mess!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#282864 - 04/09/09 02:00 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: loberhead]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Sex I had no idea what that was. Very rarely saw my parent's showing affection towards each other. Saw my dad grab my mother's ass a few times and her stopping him. All I knew I would have a new brother every 2 years no clue or even cared what caused that to be.
With my perp i had no clue what he was doing to me ofwhat he made to him was sex. It felt both good amd bad.
My parents never had a sex talk with me. All that I learn was from the porn magazines and 8mm films that me and my friends found. To me sex was just another physical act to be performed with no emotional context to it.
Still struggle with this view of sex.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#282973 - 04/09/09 07:03 PM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: loberhead]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
He, the guy who hurt me, showed me porn and stuff. So I knew when I was like 6.

My sister and her friends would whisper about it. My dad has talked to me about it a little bit. But it's not something I'm interested in so...yeah. I dunno.


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#287436 - 05/14/09 02:12 AM Re: was sex ever talked about at home? [Re: Sans Logos]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
With 6 kids in the family; bbbgbg, me #2b, we all knew how the bump in mom's tummy got there. It was a healthy sex ed I received and a positive development into good viril sex in my late teens. Living in a commune in Santa Cruz Ca. in 1968-70 was a big lesson in love.

I had the same GF,Tanya, from K-4th grade and replaced her without delay when she moved. The 1st GF I had sex with in Alaska I still talk to. The 1st time I MB'ed after a shower in the 5th grade I thought I broke it, I figured it was o'kay when it happened again.

At 17 in the Marines I was stationed in Subic Bay Philippines and in 15 months I learned more about sex than a porn star, it was XXX stuff, I consider those girls sexually exploited now.

Up to the HRT(hostage rape torture) in Oct/1978 I was healthy sexually, no kinks. Afterwards I shutdown.

It all changed after the abduction, I was unable to not have intrusive flashbacks during sex. I slept with 32 women from a company I worked at, married one of them for 2.5 years, in my 20's and they all knew the dick was broken and I frooze up, but the intamacy, closeness, kissing and my oral ability and the exciting life I created was worth it to them.

In my 30's I gave up and dealt with the flashbacks and SSA. MB was my only sex for 17 years and it was plagued with M/F fantasy arousal and disgust. I had many uncountable failures with some nice looking chicks. Some of them would stick around and try to fix my dick. The shit I tried; placing crystals in MT. Shasta California and letting some wizzard put stones all over my shakra, herbal concoctions, OTC erection pills, sleeping with two men(negative results) after a girl told me to try same sex, I even tried thinking of men during m/f foreplay and sex. And the excuses I made up for the rapid heartbeat, breathing constrictions and my dick when touched shrunk like in cold water. Some of the girls were very outspoken in their frustration.

It was a total mind fk to have women attracted to me and have anxiety and avoidance issues and be oblivious as to the cause and association to the HRT.

That really rips me, all the good sex I missed out on because of the HRT. Hell, I slept with over 200 women and 2 men and only 3 times after the HRT was it effortless. It baffled me that during MB I was fine, aside from the SSA. I got over the homophobia early since California has lots of Gays and I see God works in their life too.

Here I am 50 years and last year I made the decision to work thru the affects and started with MB and girly mags w/out male pics in it. My common law wife(now gone) was cool with the whole deal since after the 1st two weeks in 2004 we never had intamacy.

Everytime I had a m/m thought I adjusted my thinking, told myself it was from the HRT. After I got my 1st successful uninterupted session(I was in the woods running the hounds and I got the urge)I then moved back into the bedroom. It was nothing like the youthful romps I remember, but it felt soooo good, I cried in appreciation for a few days. What a milestone

I can't wait to find some mid-aged kitten and cuddle up.



Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (05/14/09 02:36 AM)
Edit Reason: Spell Check
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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