I remember learning about it through my abuser a guy who I thought was my friend. He always told me about what his parents did. I often wondered if he watched his parents consummate. I was surprised by all the details he shared regarding sex. I think I was curious but also disgusted at the same. I remember my abuser showing me scrambled porn on HBO and trying to have me get into the porn, what a sicko.

Growing up my father always and still too this day refers to sexual intercourse as "the dirty deed". He always tried to shame me of sex and how dirty it was, according to him.

My father, what a way to have such an uplifting and positive attitude regarding a shared connecting experience between two consenting adults.

Charlie.


P.S. Great topic by the way.

I dont think i was taught about it, it was always there. I mean, i never had the sex talk, but i knew about sex, i dont remember talking about it with my friends, but i knew about it, i used to play about with a girl too, or she used to play about with me if i am more accurate, sure we didnt know exactly what the procedure was, but we knew about the mechanics of it. God knows how she knew that much, she had a messed up family too.

But then i guess its different, isn't it, it doesn't have to be taught or talked about, not when it is happening to you all the time. I guess maybe the question doesn't apply to me i suppose.

Sex wasn't talked about at home for me either. By the time I hit puberty my dad was far too repressed, and my mother was too busy making moves to live with her lesbian lover. Sorry if this sounds weird but its the truth.

It wasn't talked about much in my house but if somebody asked a question we usually got a pretty honest answer. I actually learned about sex when I happened upon an encyclopedia entry when I was in 4th grade that explained what the sex act was and roughly how it was accomplished.

Everything that happened to my cousin up until that point in time I didn't consider sex, cause I thought any kind of sex would have been with a woman, not my cousin. Then one of my friends told me all about how gay people have sex and when I realized that my cousin had tried to get me to do that anally and did get me to do that orally, I think I just about distanced myself from the subject and shut off everything inside me that had to do with sex. The word "fag" or "homo" or "queer" may be nothing more now than a casual insult hurled around on the playground, but to me every time somebody said that to me I used to freak out because I thought they must have known something about what happened between me and my cousin. From that point onward there was never any feeling of love or anything else that I associated with sex, at least not consciously.


All that mattered was the orgasm, but in my mind masturbation was something perverts did (this is what I thought after watching my cousin, despite so desperately wanting to be like he was) and that all women wanted in sex was somebody with a huge member. That was the start of an inferiority complex and obsession about my penis size that lasted until after I started college. I used to wonder if I was gay for wanting to see what other guys I knew were packing (that started in elementary school) but at this point realize that part of that is just stuff that kids do, and the rest of it was all abuse related. I was constantly comparing myself to other guys, and I never tried dating any girls until after high school because I was convinced I wasn't adequate enough for any kind of sexual relationship. I wasn't well endowed enough, my arms weren't strong enough, I had too much baby fat so I didn't have a six pack, so no girl would want me. All self image stuff like that. I felt, and to a degree still do feel, like I had to have an absolutely perfect physique. I didn't even consider all the other elements that go into relationships. Too bad, but those years are gone now and I can't change em, as much as I wish I could.

Definitely not. But then again.... We never talk about anything in our house. We're just 3 strangers who happen to live in the same house. Me being my dad's boxing sack - not someone you talk too.
So I was only 4 when the babysitter started to abuse me.. Not until I was about, 11, I figured out what exactly it was - and how wrong it was what he was doing.
I guess.. I'm to selfconsious to dare go up to a girl I like. I don't think I could go any further then Maybe, kissing anyway.
My friends tell me I'm to shy but when they tell me this and this girl likes you... Well I never act on it. And the girl gives up soon enough too, when I don't react on her flirting.
I even once panicked and ran-walked out of the bar me and my friends were sitting to get away from a girl that was trying to flirt with me.
No... for now I'm not stable enough to get into any kind of relationship. I would probably scare the poor girl by freaking out if she'd try to kiss me or anything.

Jesse

Andy what you have shared really resinates with me. I always felt inadequate in my looks to when I compared myself to other guys and their build. Eventhough I was one of the taller ones, I was never that thin, never and will never have a six pack amd though I honestly am well endowed, after the first year of being felt up daily on my bus ride home from school and being forced many times to masterbate a guy who I thought was my friend, I felt very odd and set apart from everyone. I was always sure that eventhough Billy told me he was only not telling people about what I was doing was beause I complied. It felt dirty and I felt stupid for letting him have that power over me and felt helpless in getting away from him. He bullied me for 2 years until I fought back.
My parents had talked to me about sex, but I think that all I endured after hearing about it just made me feel like a wierd kid who wasn't worht regular (as I called it then) sexual relations and that I was dirty and attracting everything that happened to me. I felt like a freak. Like a hore. I felt and sometimes still feel dirty, wierd and like an outcast person set out from the crowd. Like Mary in the Bible... I hope that all makes sense...

I guess.. I'm to selfconsious to dare go up to a girl I like. I don't think I could go any further then Maybe, kissing anyway.
My friends tell me I'm to shy but when they tell me this and this girl likes you... Well I never act on it. And the girl gives up soon enough too, when I don't react on her flirting.
I even once panicked and ran-walked out of the bar me and my friends were sitting to get away from a girl that was trying to flirt with me.
No... for now I'm not stable enough to get into any kind of relationship. I would probably scare the poor girl by freaking out if she'd try to kiss me or anything.

Jesse [/quote]

Isn't that the truth. I'd say probably about %80 of my friends are female, and on at least two occasions other people (including my parents), have been certain a girl has fallen seriously for me and I've just not seen it. In fact I remember one occasion with a girl who unexpectedly hugged me, and I completely froze, ---- sinse that was far too much a reminder of my abuse.

I really want that connection with someone, ---- yet at the same time I'm incredibly afraid, ---- and the sterriotype that the bloke has to make the first move really! doesn't help. If said girl had just told me something instead of trying to hugg me, I'd have at least not panicked.

I'm really sorry about the off topic wrant, it's just what you said here Jessie really resonated with me.

Hey, I totally get how you feel!

Alas, it was the porn books and magazines I found at 11. Still do not know who they belonged to. The stories taught me about incest, pedo, bestiality, rape and torture. Nothing about love.

My parents never discussed the subject with me.

I would have to say I got ripped off with the whole sex ed deal. My parents never gave me the talk nor ever said the word sex in front of me. I despise my parents on many levels and this is one of them. They let me grow up and go thru high school without the talk and it made me even more sheltered and nieve. I remember finding some Playboys with a friend when I was young and seeing what adults do but that was soft porn compared to what my perp did. My perp at 11 taught me what sex was and most of it was his twisted version of it. He told me as any perp would that everyone does it and used that line in front of all that he wanted me to try with him. I sometimes wonder what normal sex is.