It is really good of you to trust us with the pain that you have carried alone.
I was abused as a young boy/youth as well. I also felt that I would not get anyone else's attention and "love" than from the man who abused me for a couple of years. I think all of us, and in a sense, especially young males need the love of a man. If Dad does not love us, we look for it in other men whether they be teachers, or coaches, scoutmasters, relatives etc.
Be kind to yourself. Not many of us said 'NO!" because we were nothing and the adult had lots of power over us. If I had said no, I would have suffered very serious consequences. And, if I had said "No!" I might have lost him. In my need, I felt that it was just the price I had to pay.
People do not have to be physically huge, like and NFL or NBA star to overcome us. They have so many ways to make us feel helpless.
I sure hope that you will not blame yourself, or think less of yourself because you did not try to fight off your abusers. The simple fact is that you could not have done so even if you wanted to. It is all about POWER. We just can't forget that.
Male pedophiles most often do attack girls, but a large number attack boys, as we well know. Women who abuse boys are a different breed of animal. The men who abused us as kids did it because of our age. That is what turned them on.
Just in case you wonder, I like what I read somewhere on this site, that being raped by a man does not make a boy homosexual anymore than being raped by a woman would make a gay boy heterosexual. That is good to remember when we wonder about who we are and what we really want out of relationships.
Peace to you friend.
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.