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#28159 - 03/14/05 05:23 AM I never told them no
robertr2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/14/05
Posts: 2
First it was a school friends uncle. He molested me in his car when I was 11 while my friend watched. He pulled my shorts down and rub my privates. He told me not to tell anyone. I never did.
There were many other other men. Some in public restrooms and others took me to hotel rooms. They found me attractive and were nice to me. Some put their penis inside of me and used me like a girl. I cried.
I felt shamed being used by them. Why I never said no cause I wanted them to love and care for me like my dad never did. They never did love me. I was used as a sex object. I was just young and dumb!


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#28160 - 03/14/05 05:55 AM Re: I never told them no
xenoman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Montana
Robert I am so sorry for what happened. I know that I am not alone in telling you this because in the short time I have been around this site I can feel the love and support from everyone.
THAT is very important in our life. The acting out of my victimization became my perverted way of thinking that I was being accepted everytime someone used my anus. I made myself into a sex object and liked it because I felt "loved". I spent the next five years in school thinking everyone loved me but to my own dismay discovered they were only using me because I was an easy lay. The webs we weave can be confusing.
It is only when we break free and empty out the pain that we begin to understand the truth. At least that is what I am discovering. May you find peace in your journey...Xenoman


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#28161 - 03/14/05 06:00 AM Re: I never told them no
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Robert2 - Welcome to the site and glad you posted!! Doesn't that piss you the hell off(excuse my impulsivity here) - that those adults who SHOULD have known better take advantage of a kid like that!!! I was in my 20's before I realized that "to be my friend" didn't mean "you had to have sex with me". Isn't that dumb? NO! It is because I was a hungry kid. Hungry for attention and emotional attachment.From all my perps, I felt needed and cared about! I was young - Yes! But not dumb nor stupid! I stopped telling because my parents didn't really care when I did tell and the sexual attention was all the attention that I got. The attention felt good even when the sex wasn't! I'm glad you are here and are strong enough to share with us! You are not alone in your story and your feelings. Don't beat yourself up for not telling...for the most part, we all never told and therefore our struggles have lasted a lifetime UNTIL we told someone! When we tell, we move away from the closet that trapped us and further into the room toward the door to freedom!
Keep posting!! Keep telling!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#28162 - 03/14/05 02:15 PM Re: I never told them no
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
robert2,

I too wasn't able to say no. I think it is pretty common. In my opinion, many boys who get targeted for abuse, aren't in a position to say no. What I mean, is that the circumstances of their lives make theme less likely to recognize abuse or less likely to turn away from any attention. Afterall, for many boys, any attention from a male is uncommon and thus they are easy prey. Hopefully, that makes sense. I don't think I am expressing myself well this morning. Just remember, even if you didn't say no or even if your body responded to stimulation, it is not your fault. A boy can not give consent to a man. As a boy you weren't in a position to yes or no.


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#28163 - 03/14/05 04:20 PM Re: I never told them no
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Robert

Quote:
Why I never said no cause I wanted them to love and care for me like my dad never did.
Perps are excellent at picking up on those vibs from kids. They can read so much that is never said. They felt your lonelyness and took IT AS A OPERTUNITY to abuse you.

You will always find understanding here. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#28164 - 03/14/05 09:34 PM Re: I never told them no
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
You were not dumb. My parents were the same way. You couldn't get love out of them with a crowbar. And when we don't get love, we attach ourselves to the closest thing to love. The perps blur our definitions of love and sex, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to straighten it out.

You weren't dumb. You were a kid who did the best you could with what you were given. We're so glad you found this place. The more I write here and read what others have been through, the more sense I can make of my messed up life.

I have to add that reading your post and thinking about all those people who took advantage of our screwed-up family lives, it makes me so angry at them. You should have never been treated that way. None of us should have. And like you, I leaned on the idea that they thought I was attractive. At least that made me feel like something. The fact is they'd use anyone--probably male or female. I was just the rag of the day. Now I can put the blame where it belongs. It was not my fault. It was theirs.

It was not your fault. You can tell your story here and there's no judging. We understand more than you know. And like the others said, it took a lot of strength to get here and tell what those perps did to you. Keep writing and talking. We're with you.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#28165 - 03/14/05 11:08 PM Re: I never told them no
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Robert2,

You, nor any of us, should ever have been placed in the position to have to say, "No". Our perps knew exactly what they were doing and they knew it wasn't right. Proof of THEIR guilt is that they never wanted us to say "No", in fact most threatened us if we ever attempted to say, "No". They didn't want us to say a damn thing to anyone about what they were doing to us!

I know it's easier said than done, but you can't beat yourself up over this. It's an undeserved guilt trip they put upon us. Coming here will hopefully teach us that the guilt trip is not ours to carry.


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#28166 - 03/15/05 12:45 AM Re: I never told them no
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Robert

Quote:
I never told them no
They never asked for your permission.

You did NOTHING WRONG.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#28167 - 03/15/05 07:09 PM Re: I never told them no
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Robert,
who gives a fuck whether you said no or not. You were a kid. A kid doesn't have to say no. Adults aren't supposed to be messing with them. You were a kid and off limits. It was not your fault. And you shouldn't have had to say anything. No one should have touched you. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#28168 - 03/18/05 04:40 AM Re: I never told them no
robertr2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/14/05
Posts: 2
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I felt alot guilt thinking I did not do the manly thing. I did not fight or protect myself. But after reading your replies I now realize I was not a man at that time but a hungry child looking for love.
One things thats has puzzle me is why all my abusers were men. Was I a easy target? Was I sending out some signals just to them and not women? Why not my friends?


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