Now that I have choosen not to act in with masturbation and porn. I guess I will have to address the fears of intimacy and abandonment that I have habored inside of myself all my life. Hang in there think this in this area I will really have to surrender to the powerlessness of my childhood and abuse. Seems to me the more I work thur my issues of abuse that it always brings me to having to deal with my foundational relationships that I had with my parents. It has gootten to the point that I have very little contact with my father. Because I can no longer stand the mindless and pointless chatter that passes as conversation between us. I have not had this little contact with him since I was in the Marine Corps in my earily 20's and in the height of my alcohol and drug addictions.

In my father I see myself in alot of ways.
No intimacy in his marriage.
No close friends.
The only people in his life our his children. And this is becoming less and less as we age.
My father is slowly bcoming an invalid who is becoming more and more isolated as he ages and his health declines.
And he chooses to live in this emotional waste land as if he has no choice to do otherwise.

I sure hope that is not what fate has in store for me. Am I doomed to seeing my future with no real way to change these things that stare me in the face. As I view my fathers life as it is today.

Can I really change those attitudes,beliefs,and behaviors that have been so ingrained into me since birth? Sometimes I am not so sure that I can totally overcome this abuse.
When did it start for me? Was it not the day I was born into my family?
Unlike my siblings,I am aware of the effects of the abuse that was inflicted on us since the day of our birth into our family. Doomed to live this life of the emotionally dead and to inflict this legacy on those whom we love. I am changing but the effects still manafest themselves in my relationships with those I love.

Can I really change the fate that awaits me?
Or am I doomed to a future of isolation and despair to which I am so aware of?
I know that at least I am aware of this fate.
Can I really change this fact? We will see.
Because I will try until the day I die.

Mike

My reply is appended below.

Allen

pufferfish

Allen,

Sorry I accidentally hit submit before I was done.
So i deleted it until I was finished writing it.
Sorry for any confusion I may have created.

Mike

Mike,

Those of us who were born into dysfonctional families where mental illness was prevalent don't get to fully repair the damage that was done to us.

Observe a Maple tree growing in an open field unhindered by obstacles and out in the open sun. It grows strong, straight and lush. Walk through the forest and pick out the Maple tree trying to grow in shade of other taller more mature trees. It is scawny, crooked and bears few branches with little foliage. You and I, Mike, and others like us are that Maple tree in the forest. We tried to grow while deprived of the necessary suhshine and crowded on all sides by the opressive insanity that reigned in our home.

If you were to go back into the forest and cut away all the trees surrounding that scawny Maple tree, let in the sunshine and give it room to expand and grow, over many years the top part of that Maple tree will grow strong , straight and lush but its base, that part that had already grown will always show the signs of its start in the forest.

So yeah, Mike, I'm comparing you (and me too) to a Maple tree - fine Canadian emblem if ever there was

To reverse the harm that we suffered is a life-long struggle and I don't think that we ever feel that we are where we want to be with our lives. However, by diligently clearing away the oppresive falsehoods, myths and prejudices that we grew up with, we do manage to turn around the great ravages of the dysfonctions that we grew up in.

Our fate is in our own hands my friend........

Mike,

I like that you will try until you die. In another way, I interpret it as saying that we struggle to survive and thrive, just like all living things do. Just an observation. Let me know your thoughts.

Jls,

I think that those of us who have made it here to M/S have already won the struggle to survive. Now we have to struggle to learn the life skills so that we can learn to change the survivor mode to the thrivor mode so that we can fully function in life as whole and healthy people.

I do believe this is posssible!

Mike