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#280573 - 03/24/09 10:22 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: sojourn111]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
If anyone wants to add to the original question. Please, please, please do.

So that this topic doesn't get off track, I would like to take what you said sjourn111 and start another topic.

Thank you!!!


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#280868 - 03/26/09 11:38 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
Dear Patch. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. Ours has not been the best of relationships. We have struggled to remain close. I first tried to get my wife to come with me to counselling through our church over 20 years ago - my aim was to improve our communication. Her response has until 18months ago been "why, what is it you are saying I am doing wrong?" Professionally my life went down the toilet (Male adult victims of CSA are 8times more likely to be made redundant). I tried to kill myself (I was useless as a husband and father and the whole world would be better off without me). We stayed together - from my point, it was for the sake of the kids. We clawed our way back to some semblence of normality then emigrated from the UK to Oz.
After being here for about 4 years, I found a book that started me finding out about Male Rape Syndrome. Why had no-one asked me about my childhood during my recovery from suicide? I would have told then about my 3years of violation at the hands of a pedophile neighbour.
I entered therapy, participated in 2 eight week group therapy sessions, attended 2 Victim No Longer weekends ALL WITHOUT MY WIFE KNOWING A THING ABOUT IT. I went through the night terrors and sweats. Went on antidepressants - was referred to a psychiatrist (having to hide the cost!)and barely hung on to our routine.
It slowly dawned on me that I was making MY progress but my wife still wasn't facing up to the things she needed to face up to. That meant that it still wasn't safe for me to tell her what was going on for me. In the end it was killing me and I got to the stage that I was no longer afraid to leave her. My wife was having similar thoughts - by this stage it was 3 1/2 years since we has made love (I was taught that the partner with the lower libido, controls the relationship).
I shared things with some close friends of both of us - we would both need support if we split and I wanted to explain BEFORE I did anything. About this point, I felt God prompting me to tell my wife. After all, if i was to leave then I had nothing to lose. The very next day, a saturday, I brought a cup of tea for my wife then - over the next 4hours - proceded to tell her what had been going on. We cried, we laughed. We were amazed at what I had been able to keep secret for over 26 years.
Through all of this, my wife has been gracious enough to see my motives. Yes, I still spend massive amounts of time on the internet,(its currently 02.20am)and phoning and SMS messaging my survivor buddies. Why? They get it, they know how I'm feeling, they provide the de-isolation that leads to our survival. I am able to share some of the emails with my wife. She has met many of my survivor buddies - and some partners - had them come round for meals, stay the night, go out to restaurants etc. Any excuse to keep involved.Sometimes she hears/sees me crying when I'm reaching out to a brother who's in pain and she just comes and puts a hand on my shoulder, gives me a kiss and lets me know that she's proud of me.
Our communication is better. We are each able to ask for intimacy now - sometimes that includes sex, sometimes not. If I am not in the mood for sex because I am too close to the feelings of abuse at that time, it no longer means that I don't/can't/won't satisfy her needs.
We still don't pray together very often - but I'm too busy surviving to let that bug me at the moment. I'm still not able to do very much in the way of helping around the house - but I do what I can, when I can. I have given my wife permission to remind me when I forget to do things she's for help with. Even discussing how we both ask for help to make it easier for us both to understand what's wanted.
Patch, I've written stuff here I've never said to anyone. And there is but one purpose in this - my wife and I now have some hope that we have a fighting chance of a future together. We are due for a roller coaster ride because I have decided that if I am to survive all of my pain it will be on my terms - for me that means learning to be the kid I was never allowed to be. I am in the process of giving birth to the little boy I want to be, and will raise him in the way that I want to be raised. So I am slowly putting away the dull, drab clothes. You will more often see me in a kilt and brightly coloured odd socks eating a huge ice cream, singing along with Shirley Bassey "I am who I am".
With love and best wishes,
Enduring and Prevailing
ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#280872 - 03/26/09 12:05 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
She's divorcing me. I got NO fkg clue what happened....truly.

_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#280874 - 03/26/09 12:07 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: expom]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
expom,

I don't know if I can express how much what you just wrote meant to me. Your transparency helps me to understand survivors and my husband and perhaps expresses exactly what he needs to say to me, but can't. I really, really appreciate what you said! You give me hope and direction. Thank you. Thank you.

I am struggling so hard right now with trying to understand why my husband needs all that internet, text, etc. time. Because for the first 11 years of our life, it was just me, him and the kids. Since he had an affair and telling the truth is not his strong suit, it is very hard for me to trust all that. I want to protect him, protect the family and most of all protect myself from all that hurt again.

But I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to let go of all that and let God do the work. I need to work on me, making me a whole trusting and trustworthy person. Heal my wounds and my past survival behavior. And trust God to take my husband and I where we need to go. God will provide the answers and the relationship if I just let go of the things I can't/shouldn't control and let God take care of all that.

One question for you and and any another person that would like to answer...how is a safe home created for all of us admidst this pain and mistrust? I want everyone who comes into this house or lives in this house feel safe, love and accepted. I don't feel that anyone feels that way in our house now. Is this another thing to let go and let God?


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#281017 - 03/27/09 09:28 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: An]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
An,
Good question. From 7 to 9 years ago I started going through a lot of emotional upheavel. Understand I was sexually abused by a neighbor as a child for about 4 years, physically abused and verbally abused by my father who was also a psychologist. My previous psych's, pastors and even myself were unaware of what was shaking loose inside my head. I was diagnosed with what is now called dissassociative personality disorder. I had multiple personas that we identified and named. Holy Avenger, Man of Sorrow, Ironman, The Rescuer, Sojourn and somewhere in there was me. In a moments lucidity I saw that I was not just the normal Jon that God made me to be. I wanted to find him and be just him.

As I journaled and was counciled. the emotions came out. I now understood that a lot of my actions and extreme behavior when I was younger and in college stemmed from trying to resolve the frayed pieces of me.
Many of them are nearly resolved as they heal and meld back into me. There is the deepest which is Sojourn. An emotional comfort, a friend, who knows. But I now know that 'he' has helped me cope since I was an infant. His is the only other thought line in my head. Yet at times I don't know where I stop as a whole individual and he starts as a coping one. Its not 'fight club' kind of crazy but it was close. It is an emotional shroud that unknowingly I put on. For years I often unknowingly referred to myself in the plural as 'we'.

I know that as I am healing it is all fading away. The difficult part is that in every memory, moment, achievement, relationship...all of life these were my internal partners that aided me. If threatened I became Ironman God help you if you cross me. If you hurt me or an innocent one I was the Holy Avenger...I was justice and revenge. Those have nearly passed away but the first to the party was Sojourn a friend but not one.
The last 5 years I have been counciled, mentored and discipled by a man that came out of a very bad place in life. Much worse than mine. He helped me find freedom, deliverance, and healing from much of these issues and personalities. We talked about how losing my coping mechanisms is like losing a bit of yourself but on the other side of it I will find what God made me to be and what He makes is good. Sojourn would pass away as I became whole, just me.

My friend died suddenly in August 08 of a heart attack at the age of 45. I was on vacation visitng where I grew up. That day I had seen my real father who started apologizing for the past. It was our 3rd visit in 20 years. I never had a chance to tell Craig what happened. But I know that he knows.

Before that vacation Craig and I talked about this site, about expanding my counseling, a new therapist I am now working with. He made me find all of these. That is why I have come to the community. Much of me is still Sojourning, numb and frayed. I want that gone, but I have also become very alone again. But I won't go back, only forward to become just me. No longer self destructive... just getting rid of my uninvited house guests smile


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#281136 - 03/28/09 01:49 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: sojourn111]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
Hi PatchworkMama, ADen here (aka Expom).
I'm sorry I can't give you a pre>
_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#281151 - 03/28/09 09:51 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: expom]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
My wife and I are together for 20 years on October 1st.

Easy, it was not. My self-destructive behavior lead to the CSA history to come pouring out. Not because of me, she has been my best friend. Today we both tell other couples how we know eachother better now than in the previous 19 years.

We had a lot of difficulties but we look at it as experience and focus on the now and the more beautiful tomorrows we still have to live. Its not that it's without its up and down, life by itself is that way never mind the CSA stuff, but we see life differently now, we are more mature and value our relationship and the daily opportunities to experience it together, we're on an adventure - called life.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

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#281158 - 03/28/09 11:12 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Juni]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
Beautifully put, juni

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#281165 - 03/28/09 11:51 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Juni]
Seasalt Offline


Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 15
Loc: Scandinavia
We have just started the journey.

Eventhough it is extremly painful at times, for both of us as a couple and individuals, there are true moments of intimacy, trust and understanding.

In the midst of all pain, confusion, emotional tsunamis, there are meetings. Incredibly valuable meetings between two fellow human beings, walking this path on Earth.

So in the midst of all this there is a beauty. My bf's history and current journey to healing has given me the opportunity to grow. I am finding strength when I thought there was nothing left. I have found trust where I thought it was broken forever. I have found a deeper love and respect for a fellow human I never thought I would live. My whole idea of a relationship, and how deep I previously dared to commit, has changed forever.

I would never want to be without this. Eventhough I resented it in the beginning; "why is this happening to me", "I did not ask for it", "I have been cheated"; I today, just a few months into the process, see something extraordinary.

I think few relationships have the opportunity to be as intimate as a relationship needs to be to work this through. We are growing stronger everyday, as individuals, and as a team. A team of two fellow human beings, as friends, partners and lovers (working on that one). No matter what the issue is.

I try to focus as much as possible on myself. To grow, to learn trust, to respect. And to love, as unconditional as I can master, with the respect I deserve. I am still in the realtionship because I chose to, and thus it is my responsibility to bring the best of me to the table. For my sake, for whom I want to be, and for how I chose to live my life.

I expect the same from my bf. He is in this relationship because he choses to. And I expect that he works through what he needs to for his own sake. For whom he wants to be, and for how he wants to live his life.

There are no guarantees we will meet at the end of the tunnel. But we are meeting in pain, and small victories, during the tunnel. We are growing stronger, and both becoming beautiful human beings. That fight for whom they are, whom they want to be. And not the least, becoming more true to them selves. A gift few have the real opportunity and will to do in life.

So finally, the commitment, the investment, the pain, the love... Is for the life I want to live, the human I choose to be. And I am grateful it is my bf that stands by my side, the life with him that gives me the opportunity, and the beauty to share with him, my partner, lover, friend and fellow human, this journey on which God, or the universal force, as put us on.

Hang in there ! It is the journey that counts, and what you do with it. Not the end. There are never gurantees. For any relationship, what ever the individuals bring in their bags.

Seasalt


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#281478 - 03/30/09 07:34 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
My wife and I are together and very happy (finally)although i am not very far on into the process.I probably wouldnt be here at all if not for her. I lean on her a lot, maybe to much sometimes but she says she is strong and can take whatever comes along. I think I am very fortunate. Hang in there.


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