Newest Members
susanhepp, Breathe, georgetwo, frozen45, lilac
12291 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
closure (24), esp22 (40)
Who's Online
2 registered (WriterKeith, 1 invisible), 25 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12291 Members
73 Forums
63240 Topics
442221 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#280413 - 03/22/09 09:54 PM Marriage - anyone still together?
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Just wondering if there are any married couples out there that have stayed together through the recovery process and if so, how.
Would love any advice you might have as how to get through the downturns, trust violations, boundary issues, and general pain that have come about since my husband has begun the recovery process.


Top
#280441 - 03/23/09 01:33 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
PatchworkMama.

I can't really answer your question as a I divorced (or rather, she divorced me) just before my major CSA issues hit big time.

However, in last October's edition of "O" Magasine there are a couple of articles dealing specifically with couples and how they weathered his CSA issues and came out the stronger for it. You can access it all through the following link. Wish I could be more help smile

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200810_omag_sexual_abuse

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#280442 - 03/23/09 01:35 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Olive Oil Offline


Registered: 02/09/09
Posts: 20
Well, we're still together but it's relatively soon in the process. I don't plan to leave, but will qualify that by saying I am aware I have to take care of myself and that I can't fix him. It's difficult!

Mine is uncommunicative because of the meds, often doesn't hear what I say, and seems very selfish and totally unaware that he is. For example, I mentioned twice yesterday that my elderly step-dad had taken a fall and isn't doing well... both times he didn't even respond or so much as look at me. And he was sitting right next to me on the couch, but somehow loading Windows on his computer was just so much more important. These kinds of things make it so difficult, I mean at least respond with a civil "Im sorry to hear that, I hope he's going to be ok." But noooo.

How to get through it... well for the last three weekends my husband won't leave the house. He just sits on the couch all day long, playing solitare and watching TV and surfing ebay. He's like a zombie. The sun is shining the leaves are coming on the trees but he will not take a walk with me. It's hard not to start feeling that the reason he doesn't want to do anything is because he doesn't like being around me.... very hard on the self esteeem. Oh yeah, and this one is rich: if I say anything like that to him, like this is how I am feeling (logical or not) his response lately is, "You just have to make everything about YOU, don't you?" Which i recognize is "projection" but it sure makes me mad!

To get through... for now, I am keeping as busy as I can. I avoid his space if it gets me down. I cleaned house today, washed floors, did laundry, scrubbed the bathroom, went for groceries, and took the dog for a 2 mile walk. All the while I did all these things, he sat on the couch... I am chalking it up to the meds they have him on, at least right now.

If you need someone to talk to or write to, please feel free to PM me. I confess I don't check it every day like I do my real email, but if you PM me I will be glad to listen and email you back. Maybe those of us who are spouses of survivors need support and understanding too.


Top
#280515 - 03/23/09 07:48 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Olive Oil]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi PWM,

Great topic.

A little over 5 1/2 years ago the memories of my own abuse hit me like a freight train. It took 6 months for me to work up the courage to disclose to my wife. Her reaction at first was relief because now she had a reason for some of the things I did and ways I reacted to situations.

Prior to my realizations I had acted out in various ways but I think the thing that impacted our life together the most was my anger. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't violently abusive or anything, but she and the family, and total strangers for that matter, found it difficult to work with me because if I things didn't go the way I thought they should I could get really verbally abusive.

Since I disclosed she's moved through various emotions and perspectives on my/our situation. There's been support, anger, rage, laughter, tears, questioning, mistrust, etc. Recently she finally stated she felt I had been lying to her all those years. I was surprised it took so long to express that one because of my conversations with F&F users and reading in this forum.

There have been times when I wondered if we would make it through, but we're still together and working on staying that way. We've spent a good deal of money on couples counseling and both of us have done individual work with therapists.

I think the biggest key in keeping the relationship together is communication. We talk about where we're at individually and as a couple. We express our concerns, fears, jealousies, and our love. It's not always easy or smooth, but we work at it. That's the biggest part of the battle, at least for us.



_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#280516 - 03/23/09 08:04 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: WalkingSouth]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Patchworkmamma,

My wife and I are still together, and I believe that going through the recovery process has actually made our marriage stronger. We've been married almost 21 years now, and I started recovery about 5 years ago. For so many years before that, there was this "thing" between us, and she felt like there had to be something wrong back there somewhere. Once I began to disclose things to her, a lot of pieces started falling into place.

There have been so many times that I was afraid she was going to be tired of my crap during the recovery process and just up and leave me. I felt that way not because of anything she said or did, but it was my own insecurity and fearing she would validate every worthless feeling I had about myself.

I think there has to be a tremendous amount of support flowing both ways in a marriage when dealing with this. It's not just the husband who's going through it, you both are. So don't discount your own needs during all this, because you need to have your needs met as well. I hope things can work out for you two.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#280537 - 03/23/09 10:04 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: EGL]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Thank you very much for your replies. I hope others will chime in too... it is very encouraging to hear your stories and see that there is hope.

Sometimes you just want to glance down the road a few miles and see if the grass is any greener. Please continue to share your stories, they help more than you know!


Top
#280540 - 03/23/09 10:27 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: EGL]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Originally Posted By: EGL
There have been so many times that I was afraid she was going to be tired of my crap during the recovery process and just up and leave me. I felt that way not because of anything she said or did, but it was my own insecurity and fearing she would validate every worthless feeling I had about myself.


That's exactly where my husband and I are right now. He just can't get the feelings of worthlessness out of his head. I never intend to validate his worthless feelings, because he is anything but worthless to me.

But my own self-esteem is not very high and for so long I have depended upon him for my worth. I have been seriously depressed and am a work-at-home Mom. I don't have much opportunity to see my own worth outside of his and our children's success.

So when he spends his free time, our dinner time, weekends, and romantic getaways texting, posting, replying, checking e-mail and otherwise dealing with the feelings and such from his abuse - I feel really alone and isolated. My identity is completely lost and I wonder where I fit into this whole process. And maybe since I hurt him so much when I ask him to spend time with just me, I shouldn't fit into this process at all.

I love my husband dearly, but it sometimes it seems that we spend too much time hurting each other. I want so desperately to get past that. I am a wave in the sea for him...constantly supporting and pulling him close then nagging for him to give me more and stop the texting and spending time on the computer. The disconnect hurts so much. And the willingness to share with everyone else leaves me feeling that he is going to leave me, and why wouldn't he? All the other people seem to be so supportive, unwavering and understanding.

Has anyone gone through this? How did you get past the need for support and affirmation? How do I get off this rollercoaster and find a consistant way of being here for my husband?


Top
#280549 - 03/24/09 12:19 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
This is just my opinion and meant with a kind voice: you may not be a strong pillar for your husband because of your own issues and needs. Many issues that if married to a healthy, healed and fully developed person you could say are justifiable expectations. Yet many of us are not there at that place where we stand strong enough for our own emotional frailties and to pour into those we love. It is all we can do sometimes to forge ahead in our healing let alone put our families on our shoulders and carry their needs. Candidly maybe we were not ready to be a minister of love in the committment of a relationship.

If a man had his hand shot off would you expect him to applaud you? If he was blind would you expect him to admire you? If he was mute would you expect praise? These are obvious limitations and easily understood. Yet the inner parts of us that were malnourished, killed off, stunted or impeded manifes their incapacity by the absence of ability or health. That is to say the true fruit of an assumed healthy plant never blooms and grows because of unseen damage. Years of mutual need turn to frustration as a spouse is unable to provide the specific fruit of love to meet the healthy or unhealthy need. Despite appearances that your spouse could meet those needs he may just be able to handle his situation. Personally that is where Christ has become relevant for me.

I was at a point where I didn't want to grow or change or face the pain. I lost my wife and kids because of my inability to produce what they needed as a husband and father. She had a litany of unmet expectations. How beautiful the day when she accepted not for who she thought I was but who I really was. We have learned that I miss things. We have a code word if I am missing her healthy needs. She knows my earnest hearts desire to love her but I don't know always what to do. The same for when I know I am derailing and need her to give space. But it is because I am the 2nd love in her life and she in mine. She knows that whatever health and love I have I will give to her but that took years.

I say that to show you, find what he is doing right. Live together in understanding first and in need second. He has committed his life to mutual benefit and to minister to you. As he learns and grows you will be able to pick the healthy fruit. If you shake the tree in expectation it will drop unripened. You will have nothing to eat .


Top
#280553 - 03/24/09 12:57 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: sojourn111]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Sojurn's Demise,
Many gifts of perspectives, reframing there. Thanks very much for that post. i think the second paragraph could so help partners feel what's happening for the survivor.

thank you, An

ps ("Sojurn's Demise" puzzled me (in a troubling way unless i'm misunderstanind it as a name/byline....)


Top
#280556 - 03/24/09 01:40 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: An]
wojax Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/22/04
Posts: 171
Loc: Florida
Dear Patch
I am very happly married for 40 years. I told my wife at the begining of our marriage. The we have not talked about it for many years.When I stared my recovery we started to g to
church the family that prays togeather stays togeather. We have lived by that. now we can talk openly..Advice...It will take time ...support and understanding and giving some space. And Put God somewere in your life and that of you family
God Bless Gary

_________________________
Jer 7:23 ps 91:16

Top
#280573 - 03/24/09 10:22 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: sojourn111]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
If anyone wants to add to the original question. Please, please, please do.

So that this topic doesn't get off track, I would like to take what you said sjourn111 and start another topic.

Thank you!!!


Top
#280868 - 03/26/09 11:38 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Dear Patch. My wife and I have been married for 27 years. Ours has not been the best of relationships. We have struggled to remain close. I first tried to get my wife to come with me to counselling through our church over 20 years ago - my aim was to improve our communication. Her response has until 18months ago been "why, what is it you are saying I am doing wrong?" Professionally my life went down the toilet (Male adult victims of CSA are 8times more likely to be made redundant). I tried to kill myself (I was useless as a husband and father and the whole world would be better off without me). We stayed together - from my point, it was for the sake of the kids. We clawed our way back to some semblence of normality then emigrated from the UK to Oz.
After being here for about 4 years, I found a book that started me finding out about Male Rape Syndrome. Why had no-one asked me about my childhood during my recovery from suicide? I would have told then about my 3years of violation at the hands of a pedophile neighbour.
I entered therapy, participated in 2 eight week group therapy sessions, attended 2 Victim No Longer weekends ALL WITHOUT MY WIFE KNOWING A THING ABOUT IT. I went through the night terrors and sweats. Went on antidepressants - was referred to a psychiatrist (having to hide the cost!)and barely hung on to our routine.
It slowly dawned on me that I was making MY progress but my wife still wasn't facing up to the things she needed to face up to. That meant that it still wasn't safe for me to tell her what was going on for me. In the end it was killing me and I got to the stage that I was no longer afraid to leave her. My wife was having similar thoughts - by this stage it was 3 1/2 years since we has made love (I was taught that the partner with the lower libido, controls the relationship).
I shared things with some close friends of both of us - we would both need support if we split and I wanted to explain BEFORE I did anything. About this point, I felt God prompting me to tell my wife. After all, if i was to leave then I had nothing to lose. The very next day, a saturday, I brought a cup of tea for my wife then - over the next 4hours - proceded to tell her what had been going on. We cried, we laughed. We were amazed at what I had been able to keep secret for over 26 years.
Through all of this, my wife has been gracious enough to see my motives. Yes, I still spend massive amounts of time on the internet,(its currently 02.20am)and phoning and SMS messaging my survivor buddies. Why? They get it, they know how I'm feeling, they provide the de-isolation that leads to our survival. I am able to share some of the emails with my wife. She has met many of my survivor buddies - and some partners - had them come round for meals, stay the night, go out to restaurants etc. Any excuse to keep involved.Sometimes she hears/sees me crying when I'm reaching out to a brother who's in pain and she just comes and puts a hand on my shoulder, gives me a kiss and lets me know that she's proud of me.
Our communication is better. We are each able to ask for intimacy now - sometimes that includes sex, sometimes not. If I am not in the mood for sex because I am too close to the feelings of abuse at that time, it no longer means that I don't/can't/won't satisfy her needs.
We still don't pray together very often - but I'm too busy surviving to let that bug me at the moment. I'm still not able to do very much in the way of helping around the house - but I do what I can, when I can. I have given my wife permission to remind me when I forget to do things she's for help with. Even discussing how we both ask for help to make it easier for us both to understand what's wanted.
Patch, I've written stuff here I've never said to anyone. And there is but one purpose in this - my wife and I now have some hope that we have a fighting chance of a future together. We are due for a roller coaster ride because I have decided that if I am to survive all of my pain it will be on my terms - for me that means learning to be the kid I was never allowed to be. I am in the process of giving birth to the little boy I want to be, and will raise him in the way that I want to be raised. So I am slowly putting away the dull, drab clothes. You will more often see me in a kilt and brightly coloured odd socks eating a huge ice cream, singing along with Shirley Bassey "I am who I am".
With love and best wishes,
Enduring and Prevailing
ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

Top
#280872 - 03/26/09 12:05 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6380
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
She's divorcing me. I got NO fkg clue what happened....truly.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#280874 - 03/26/09 12:07 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: expom]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
expom,

I don't know if I can express how much what you just wrote meant to me. Your transparency helps me to understand survivors and my husband and perhaps expresses exactly what he needs to say to me, but can't. I really, really appreciate what you said! You give me hope and direction. Thank you. Thank you.

I am struggling so hard right now with trying to understand why my husband needs all that internet, text, etc. time. Because for the first 11 years of our life, it was just me, him and the kids. Since he had an affair and telling the truth is not his strong suit, it is very hard for me to trust all that. I want to protect him, protect the family and most of all protect myself from all that hurt again.

But I have recently come to the conclusion that I need to let go of all that and let God do the work. I need to work on me, making me a whole trusting and trustworthy person. Heal my wounds and my past survival behavior. And trust God to take my husband and I where we need to go. God will provide the answers and the relationship if I just let go of the things I can't/shouldn't control and let God take care of all that.

One question for you and and any another person that would like to answer...how is a safe home created for all of us admidst this pain and mistrust? I want everyone who comes into this house or lives in this house feel safe, love and accepted. I don't feel that anyone feels that way in our house now. Is this another thing to let go and let God?


Top
#281017 - 03/27/09 09:28 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: An]
sojourn111 Offline


Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 86
Loc: midwest
An,
Good question. From 7 to 9 years ago I started going through a lot of emotional upheavel. Understand I was sexually abused by a neighbor as a child for about 4 years, physically abused and verbally abused by my father who was also a psychologist. My previous psych's, pastors and even myself were unaware of what was shaking loose inside my head. I was diagnosed with what is now called dissassociative personality disorder. I had multiple personas that we identified and named. Holy Avenger, Man of Sorrow, Ironman, The Rescuer, Sojourn and somewhere in there was me. In a moments lucidity I saw that I was not just the normal Jon that God made me to be. I wanted to find him and be just him.

As I journaled and was counciled. the emotions came out. I now understood that a lot of my actions and extreme behavior when I was younger and in college stemmed from trying to resolve the frayed pieces of me.
Many of them are nearly resolved as they heal and meld back into me. There is the deepest which is Sojourn. An emotional comfort, a friend, who knows. But I now know that 'he' has helped me cope since I was an infant. His is the only other thought line in my head. Yet at times I don't know where I stop as a whole individual and he starts as a coping one. Its not 'fight club' kind of crazy but it was close. It is an emotional shroud that unknowingly I put on. For years I often unknowingly referred to myself in the plural as 'we'.

I know that as I am healing it is all fading away. The difficult part is that in every memory, moment, achievement, relationship...all of life these were my internal partners that aided me. If threatened I became Ironman God help you if you cross me. If you hurt me or an innocent one I was the Holy Avenger...I was justice and revenge. Those have nearly passed away but the first to the party was Sojourn a friend but not one.
The last 5 years I have been counciled, mentored and discipled by a man that came out of a very bad place in life. Much worse than mine. He helped me find freedom, deliverance, and healing from much of these issues and personalities. We talked about how losing my coping mechanisms is like losing a bit of yourself but on the other side of it I will find what God made me to be and what He makes is good. Sojourn would pass away as I became whole, just me.

My friend died suddenly in August 08 of a heart attack at the age of 45. I was on vacation visitng where I grew up. That day I had seen my real father who started apologizing for the past. It was our 3rd visit in 20 years. I never had a chance to tell Craig what happened. But I know that he knows.

Before that vacation Craig and I talked about this site, about expanding my counseling, a new therapist I am now working with. He made me find all of these. That is why I have come to the community. Much of me is still Sojourning, numb and frayed. I want that gone, but I have also become very alone again. But I won't go back, only forward to become just me. No longer self destructive... just getting rid of my uninvited house guests smile


Top
#281136 - 03/28/09 01:49 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: sojourn111]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Hi PatchworkMama, ADen here (aka Expom).
I'm sorry I can't give you a pre>
_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

Top
#281151 - 03/28/09 09:51 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: expom]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
My wife and I are together for 20 years on October 1st.

Easy, it was not. My self-destructive behavior lead to the CSA history to come pouring out. Not because of me, she has been my best friend. Today we both tell other couples how we know eachother better now than in the previous 19 years.

We had a lot of difficulties but we look at it as experience and focus on the now and the more beautiful tomorrows we still have to live. Its not that it's without its up and down, life by itself is that way never mind the CSA stuff, but we see life differently now, we are more mature and value our relationship and the daily opportunities to experience it together, we're on an adventure - called life.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

Top
#281158 - 03/28/09 11:12 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Juni]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
Beautifully put, juni

ADen

_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

Top
#281165 - 03/28/09 11:51 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Juni]
Seasalt Offline


Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 15
Loc: Scandinavia
We have just started the journey.

Eventhough it is extremly painful at times, for both of us as a couple and individuals, there are true moments of intimacy, trust and understanding.

In the midst of all pain, confusion, emotional tsunamis, there are meetings. Incredibly valuable meetings between two fellow human beings, walking this path on Earth.

So in the midst of all this there is a beauty. My bf's history and current journey to healing has given me the opportunity to grow. I am finding strength when I thought there was nothing left. I have found trust where I thought it was broken forever. I have found a deeper love and respect for a fellow human I never thought I would live. My whole idea of a relationship, and how deep I previously dared to commit, has changed forever.

I would never want to be without this. Eventhough I resented it in the beginning; "why is this happening to me", "I did not ask for it", "I have been cheated"; I today, just a few months into the process, see something extraordinary.

I think few relationships have the opportunity to be as intimate as a relationship needs to be to work this through. We are growing stronger everyday, as individuals, and as a team. A team of two fellow human beings, as friends, partners and lovers (working on that one). No matter what the issue is.

I try to focus as much as possible on myself. To grow, to learn trust, to respect. And to love, as unconditional as I can master, with the respect I deserve. I am still in the realtionship because I chose to, and thus it is my responsibility to bring the best of me to the table. For my sake, for whom I want to be, and for how I chose to live my life.

I expect the same from my bf. He is in this relationship because he choses to. And I expect that he works through what he needs to for his own sake. For whom he wants to be, and for how he wants to live his life.

There are no guarantees we will meet at the end of the tunnel. But we are meeting in pain, and small victories, during the tunnel. We are growing stronger, and both becoming beautiful human beings. That fight for whom they are, whom they want to be. And not the least, becoming more true to them selves. A gift few have the real opportunity and will to do in life.

So finally, the commitment, the investment, the pain, the love... Is for the life I want to live, the human I choose to be. And I am grateful it is my bf that stands by my side, the life with him that gives me the opportunity, and the beauty to share with him, my partner, lover, friend and fellow human, this journey on which God, or the universal force, as put us on.

Hang in there ! It is the journey that counts, and what you do with it. Not the end. There are never gurantees. For any relationship, what ever the individuals bring in their bags.

Seasalt


Top
#281478 - 03/30/09 07:34 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: wojax]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
My wife and I are together and very happy (finally)although i am not very far on into the process.I probably wouldnt be here at all if not for her. I lean on her a lot, maybe to much sometimes but she says she is strong and can take whatever comes along. I think I am very fortunate. Hang in there.


Top
#281533 - 03/30/09 09:18 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: pemac01]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Wow. It's good to know so many of you are making it through this. Please continue to add, everyone who posts here have helped me to put together a picture of the future. I just pray we can hang on.


Top
#281622 - 03/31/09 08:48 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi PatchworkMama,

Unfortunately my husband and I were not so lucky. After almost 2 years of marriage and none of it good, we are splitting up. After our first separation which made absolutely no sense to me, I learned of his CSA and was able to put the pieces together. He was diagnosed with depression, attended marital counseling with me and individual counseling for himself. For a few months everything was wonderful and I saw him again as the strong man that I had fallen in love with. But, after a few months he decided to stop the therapy and back came all of the negative attitudes about me. He has decided that he does not want to be married anymore but in his mind, has created such an image of me that leads him to believe that the marriage is ending becaues I wasn't right for him. No one who knows us agrees with that.

However, I am powerless to stop this. Furthermore, my needs ARE important. I am a well-developed person who has lots of friends and family to provide the support when he can't. The reason I am not fighting the divorce this time is because it isn't that he CAN'T support my needs or care about anything related to me, it is that HE CHOOSES NOT TO. I love him and I wish this weren't happening. When I married him I promised to love him more than I love myself. But he promised to do the same in return but didn't. So now two of us love him and no one is loving me. That is not right and I won't stand for it. I am tired of being in a relationship where I don't matter.

I know it isn't easy for survivors. If you are with someone who is working hard at recovery, stick with it because that is him showing you that HE matters and YOU matter. If he isn't committed to recovery, he likely won't be committed to you.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

Top
#281744 - 03/31/09 09:52 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Junefriday]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
"So now two of us love him and no one is loving me. That is not right and I won't stand for it. I am tired of being in a relationship where I don't matter."



Oh my goodness!!!

Oh my goodness!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#281755 - 03/31/09 10:56 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: kolisha54]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
still together? yep - 35 years in all
making it thru this?
doubtful


Top
#281846 - 04/01/09 06:46 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: MarkK]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers/friends

Well from petercorbett (aka) Irishmoose.
For me it's history. I left my now (seperated) wife of almost 36 yrs in Germany. I just walked out the door, no goodby's, no tears, no emotions.

She had always reminded me that I was an emotional failure towards her. Yep I'm guilty as charged. Forget the fact that I gave her all my emotional and social skills that I had posessed. (none).

A great father and grandfather, but a lousy husband, See my other posts for my various feelings.

To those of you whom have made it a success, my congradulations.

Heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#292467 - 06/21/09 08:43 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: petercorbett]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Patchwork Mama,

I came across this thread looking for something else, but I do want to recommend "NOT 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass for dealing with infidelity behavior.
It is not completely apt since the focus is not on the marriages of survivor men--and yet, a great deal is still perfectly relevant and helpful AS A SUPPLEMENT for the relationship, as long as the abuse issue and recovery from that is also part of the process. What Glass describes is perfectly familiar--the sense of betrayal, upheaval, lack of trust--but as long as the betraying behavior stops, from her clinical experience it is possible to salvage the relationship. Possible: no guarantees. It depends on how much both of you are willing to tolerate, and how hard you can work.
My F and I are in the middle of a huge crisis caused by his sex addiction. I don't know what will happen eventually, but he is (by all indications that I can perceive) seriously committed to the process.
But we shall see. One day at a time.
I wish you hope and healing.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#292482 - 06/21/09 11:57 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: honey girl]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
Thank You Honey Girl,

I shall read the book you suggested. My H and I are currently in limbo. Who knows what the future holds? I'm just trying to hold on to each day as it comes and appreciate it for what its worth. Treat each moment as if its our last and enjoy it for what it is worth. Some days this brings out joy and happiness. Other days bitterness and resentment. My H perceives this as wishy-washyness and I think it makes it difficult for him to trust me or believe me.

Who knows what the future holds?

Thank you.


Top
#292532 - 06/21/09 09:32 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Yes,
In fact this tuesday my wife and I celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary. She deserves all the credit the woman is a Saint to have put up with me for more than 1 hour much less the 22 years we have been a couple. She is the one who taught me unconditional love and she is the one who knew something was wrong and persisted through the pain and even the pain I caused her to get me into treatment and on the road to recovery. Hang in there.

Peace my friend.

Thank you for "knowing" and yet still caring enough to be there. You matter to your love, and everyone of us-survivors, you represent our hope you see proof that we are indeed worthy enough to be loved. We never knew this. Its hard for us to believe keep reminding us okay?

shaun/friendinneed


Top
#292578 - 06/22/09 03:28 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: friendinneed]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
I haven't been over here in ages but happened to pop in tonight and see your post.

My husband and I are thankfully still together and knock on wood are doing well. There was a period in there where I really got scared that we might not but so far so good.

We've been lucky enough to find a therapist that we both like and that has been a tremendous help to us. I had given him an ultimatum to find a therapist and start getting help when he started acting out and while that route may not work for a lot of people, it worked in our case. I think he was at a point that he knew he needed help but it took that extra push from me to finally get him to take the leap.


We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago and I hope to have many more to celebrate in the future.


Top
#292628 - 06/22/09 02:01 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: pemac01]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
It'll be three years ago this month when my husband disclosed the abuse he suffered as a boy. Sometimes I feel as if we've been to hell and back a few times during this process but we are still together and we have grown.

This place we've arrived at is pretty good now. At one time the water around us was very choppy and the boat had this huge gaping hole at the center. Although it seemed as if we were about to sink, we floated through to find stability once again.

My husband has really worked towards better and I have viewed this experience as a great opportunity to get my act together as well. I am very grateful we are in a much better place present day...I believe the best part of this is how much our children appreciate having dad in thier lives and how his calmness makes them feel safe. We really missed having that.

S-n-S






Edited by sweet-n-sour (06/22/09 02:01 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#293038 - 06/25/09 06:26 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: LittleMissL]
friendinneed Offline


Registered: 06/04/09
Posts: 107
Congrats. I wish many, many years to come. I hope only good things ever find their way to your door. I'll be pulling for the two of you.

Thank you for replying.

Peace,
Shaun/frieninneed


Top
#294781 - 07/09/09 07:01 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: LittleMissL]
JBK Offline


Registered: 07/08/09
Posts: 6
Loc: Springfield, IL
We also just celebrated our 10th anniversary. As horrible as our lives have been the last 4 weeks, I know that this is only going to make our marriage stronger.


Top
#295007 - 07/12/09 03:50 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: JBK]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
....



Edited by LilacLouie (07/12/09 03:58 AM)

Top
#295443 - 07/15/09 05:15 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: LilacLouie]
JohnF Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/09
Posts: 26
Loc: TX
Through minor miracles and the fact that my wife is a saint, we're still married. It almost didn't happen.

First we tried a marriage counselor/therapist. That didn't work. She never forced me to open up and I was very good at pulling the wool over her eyes, I quit acting out for a couple of months, my wife thought I was cured.

Next was another therapist...just for me. He told me in our first session that there is no such thing as sex addiction. I saw him for two years...he made a cool 5 grand, I kept acting out, my wife was none the wiser.

Finally we were down to the last straw. My wife was ready to take the kids and leave. We found a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. We did a four day intensive program that combined Steps 1-9 (for those of you in 12 Step Programs you know how hard that is) with 48 hours of therapy and a polygraph in a four day weekend. I also started SAA that weekend. 2 years later, I've been sober for a year (I had a slip with internet porn last year), and our marriage is stronger...and happier...than its ever been.

I guess you could say we've been married for 8 years and happily married for two.


Top
#296236 - 07/21/09 10:44 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: pemac01]
JBK Offline


Registered: 07/08/09
Posts: 6
Loc: Springfield, IL
How do you learn to trust again? How do you handle additional revelations of compulsive sexual behavior by your partner? How do I get past the anger and sadness over the loss of our relationship? How can I stay in a relationship when my partner has essentially "cheated" and brought such ugliness into our house?

I am so alone and afraid and I don't know what to do next.


Top
#296241 - 07/21/09 11:31 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: JBK]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear JBK,

I am sorry that you are in such a terrible position. It is awful, and there is no quick and easy way out of this pain.
But there are some steps you can take.
First, I encourage you very strongly to seek out a local chapter of S-Anon. They may not be easy to find, but it's well worth the effort. The women I have met through this group have been very supportive, and I have benefited quite a bit from not feeling so painfully alone with this problem.
Second, I recommend a book that I found helpful: NOT "Just Friends," by Shirley Glass (yes, that's Ira's late mother). In it Glass discusses how marriages can survive severe betrayals--though she also acknowledges that some don't. The focus is not on people with CSA histories or sex addictions, but the special complications that these factors bring are also referenced. It's a start.
Third, I most deeply urge you to set limits on what you are encountering at any one time. My fiance has found a certain sense of liberation, ironically enough, in his whole process: he is beginning to free himself from years--decades--of subjugation to his addiction. But for me, this is all very new, and it is truly overwhelming (flooding) at times. So you need to make sure you take care of yourself.
It can get better. It is not an easy process. But it is not hopeless.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#296347 - 07/22/09 06:43 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: JBK]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Originally Posted By: JBK
How do you learn to trust again? How do you handle additional revelations of compulsive sexual behavior by your partner? How do I get past the anger and sadness over the loss of our relationship? How can I stay in a relationship when my partner has essentially "cheated" and brought such ugliness into our house?

I am so alone and afraid and I don't know what to do next.


Dear JBK:

I really wish there was an easy way through all of the pain that accompanies betrayal but there is not. Cheating is a horrible reality to accept especially when the only thing we have been guilty of in return is offering our hearts and true vulnerability.

Healing takes patience JBK, time, hard work and determination. The thing where your husband is concerned, there is no such thing as offering him trust blindly. He must earn your trust and favor back. How? Through really going the distance and following through on all promises made. "As much as it takes for as long as it takes, and then some."

I know at least from my perspective, I looked at this experience as a chance to get my act together as well. I realized some very monumental lacking in my own belief system. I was too trusting of everyone, I was too giving to everyone...trust is really something that should never be an automatic, ever. Even though it all may seem overwhelming right now, you can and will get through this.

Please know you are not alone. WE are all here standing together, extending support today and for your journey ahead.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#296364 - 07/22/09 10:04 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: JBK]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Yeah, what honeygirl said. I have the book "not just friends" PM me if you want it. It has some great info in it.


Top
#447021 - 09/12/13 08:44 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3161
Loc: O Kanada
wedding date> august 4 1991
22 years marriage plus 3 children.

no advice.
we love each other,
but neither of us has a clue how we lasted this long.

had some rough times and bad fights,
but the good stuff outweighs the negative.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#447047 - 09/12/13 11:28 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 9. We have one son and she has been a survivor the entire time and I was raped about 4 years ago and started dealing with PTSD after that. I would say that the past 4 years have been the hardest because they have changed a lot of relationship dynamics but we are trying to talk more and work it through more
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#447095 - 09/13/13 09:45 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Married 11 years in October, together for 20. 2 great kids.

Our marriage has only gotten better, stronger and more intimate post disclosure and confrontation with active healing.

It does get better.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#447096 - 09/13/13 09:58 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Our relationship is pretty much on the way out, after almost 18 years of marriage, unless something changes.

Sometimes people say to me:" oh he loves you a lot!".......and what I can't say (because I can't 'out' him) is...."No, I make him feel safe. There is a difference."

I don't understand the timing though. He did his in-patient stint almost 5 years ago and there were vast improvements. I guess that reinforces, to me, that he didn't really want to marry me.....he just wanted to feel safe.


Edited by sugarbaby (09/13/13 10:01 AM)

Top
#447097 - 09/13/13 10:00 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Banjo596 Offline


Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Ohio
Together for 23 years, married for 8, in the process of divorce.
_________________________
Jeff

Top
#447110 - 09/13/13 10:42 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
About to have our 10 year anniversary. Seems impossible after what we went through last year (affair, multiple infidelities, CSA meltdown). But we both reached the cliff of divorce at the same time, peered over, and pulled back. It was a turning point. We still have our moments. My H has a really long way to go, but we are doing it together now.

Top
#447144 - 09/13/13 10:03 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Coming up on 19 years together. 15th wedding anniversary this month and I really don't know how we are still here, fighting our way through our own personal stuff - and then the damage done to a relationship destroyed by lies, addiction and infidelity.

I honestly believe that he has taught me the essence of the serenity prayer (for which I am truly grateful). Great pain definitely delivered me to a level of consciousness.

As far as our future, it's no longer in my hands (as if it ever was).

Top
#447190 - 09/14/13 01:15 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3323
Loc: somewhere in Africa
we hit the big 4-0 this past june - a miracle that she stuck with me and that my issues didn't drive her away. we were always best friends - even when my problems prevented us from being lovers - but i didn't trust anyone and wouldnt really let her get close - no true intimacy or vulnerability on my part. the past 20 months have been the best yet.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#447193 - 09/14/13 03:05 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 246
Loc: us
We are still together after 6 years. He has dabbled in therapy but is yet to commit to recovery. He avoids emotional intimacy. He likes to blame me for every horrible thing in his life. He drinks whenever he feels any emotion good or bad. I don't think he knows how he really feels about anything. He is just angry at the world. I love him and see all the good in him that he cannot yet see. I choose to be grateful for what he can and does do. I focus on my own life and happiness. And when he lashes out I try to remember that the battle he is fighting is really with himself. Its painful and hard sometimes. But there is slow progress.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#447254 - 09/15/13 12:42 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: HD001]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: HD001
He has dabbled in therapy but is yet to commit to recovery.


Being in therapy is not the same as being in recovery. There are many different ways to heal from sexual abuse or assault--it doesn't exclusively happen within the experience of therapy. My wife and I are both survivors. She will never go to therapy as her perp was a therapist, and I have had an off-and-on relationship with therapy, mostly due to the fact that I have a hard time feeling physically healthy enough to sit through an entire $200 session (and I question whether the time I spend is worth all that money). But I would say that even though I go through lengthy stretches of time without therapy, it doesn't have to change whether or not I'm invested in recovering from my assault. I have yet to find a therapist that is as invested in my recovery as I am.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#447346 - 09/16/13 09:11 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
We're also around the 6 year mark. He had started recovery before we got married, so had I. Still, it's incredibly hard. Many days the feeling is "I love you so much, but I don't know whether I can do this for the rest of my life". It would break my heart to leave him, though.

Top
#447477 - 09/17/13 04:48 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 246
Loc: us
Crux. I see your point and I thinkmy H would agree with you. I believe that he is trying on his own. For me being survivor as well therapy was a great help but I'm learning that we all heal in our own way.
Hope. I'm hear ya on that one. I've thought the same thing. I have to believe that is will get easier and most days I can see that is has. I have dreams about the future sometimes and whenever I see H in them he seems really happy he is always smiling. I know they are just dreams but they give me hope for the future. I have to believe in things like love courage and hope to keep going. I know we are both learning a lot as people.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#447508 - 09/18/13 03:37 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
HD001, do you see yourself in your dreams about the future, too? Are you smiling as well? I'm just asking because I tend to be the kind of person who wants to make everyone around her better and happier and forgets herself in the process... But I like your dreams. I don't see a smiling future right now, but I want to.

Top
#447525 - 09/18/13 09:26 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:51 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#447533 - 09/18/13 10:54 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: Castle]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Castle
I have to personally disagree with trying to heal without professional help.

While it's possible and maybe even works for some, the success stories I see and hear about involve caring professionals experienced in trauma and assault. It certainly is not everything, maybe even not the most important but non the less for the most part a critical piece of the puzzel.

Connecting with men is the most critical aspect in my opinion. A b oundry driven men's group of carrying understanding men had been the most important part of healing.

@pete

I totally get why you and you beloved can't get what you need from a professional... That is the transference that comes from "medical" incest and it makes absolute sense. In essence both of you are survivors of incest, not family incest, but incest non the less.



I have been in the process of relearning how to walk again. I cannot imagine doing it without physical therapists and the other professionals that work with them. A regular person might be able to carry my weight and my wife has always helped with basic stretching at home but it also takes a lot of knowledge of muscle groups, how they work with each other and how to strengthen them, etc. Despite the fact that PT is very necessary I have hard time trusting them because not everyone who goes into "helping professions" has the intention of helping and there are always people lurking about who want to use their position for evil. So my inability to trust has been holding me back in my physical recovery as well as mental recovery.

I mostly was reacting to the idea that a person who is not in therapy is not 'invested' in their recovery. I think even though my wife might never go to therapy for her CSA, she has always done what she can do, and that is enough for me.

what do you mean by incest? I think we might be operating under different definitions. I thought it always involved family?
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#447538 - 09/18/13 11:32 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:51 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#447541 - 09/18/13 11:42 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:50 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#447569 - 09/18/13 05:27 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 246
Loc: us
Hope. I don't see myself because I'm there watching like real life. I always feel happy in the dreams though and in both of them me and my H are outside playing with our future kids and laughing. My H has some grey hair around his face and looks older. They always have good feeling about them. And I sure hope my future kids are as cute as the ones in my dreams. Hang in there sometimes its hard to see bright spots.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.