Do you ever think there is a switch on the inside that once its flipped you lose control and can't stop what you do? I don't think that those who hurt us dreamt about it when they were younger. But I'm not entirely sure. I'm always afriad that its going to happen to me. The switch will be flipped and I'll hurt someone I love. I'm afraid of becoming the one person I hate the most.

No switch, you're aware. You'll put a protector on it and, instead of hurting anyone you love, you'll protect them. You'll know what to look for.

That fear, in a good heart, is what keeps the switch from being thrown. Trust yourself to be good, but stay out of tempting situations when possible.

lostone - aden and bobby have shared good advice! That good heart refers to realizing the trauma and damage our perps did to us and, with empathy for others, not wanting to traumatize nor damage others. EMPATHY is important...being in touch with our feelings. Secondly, being aware of how our feelings are stimulated and increasing...therefore, listening to our body telling us when we are getting into dangerous territory. FEAR maybe good but when it adds too much stress on ourselves, we are vulnerable for impulsive reactions. BEST ADVICE if you keep talking out our thoughts and feelings, we have no need to act them out.

Howard

The ones who hurt me were hurt also, I'm sorry its still hard for me to say what happened. I don't want to have a son/daughter and hurt them too.

I think about that switch a lot but to me it feels more like an on/off button. "On" means I'm awake, I feel very angry, sad, hyper and so on and "off" means I'm numb, gone from the inside, my body is here but I'm not. It's like very bad mood swings and there's no "in between" button. I can't stop it from happening. People tell me I act just like my dad and it scares me but I'm more afraid of losing control and hurting myself, than hurting other people. I write about my fears 'cause I'm not ready to talk about them and it helps sometimes. You've written a post about your fears and it's a first step.

I know that I could never hurt anyone that way. So I do not fear that. What I fear is that the cold and numb feeling that I have will kill the progress I have made. And that terrifies the hell out of me.

that fact that you are concerned about a possibility like that means you are thoughtful conscious and
not likely that's on it's way :-)

me thought that too once -

I hope so, I want to be a teacher

Everybody already gave such good advice. Most of the perps I know didn't go to therapy, wouldn't even admit that they had a problem until someone like the victim shoved it out in the open. I read your story and I was horrified at what was done to you. I see in you that you want to help kids. And as long as you stay in the here and now, remembering the horrors for what they were, I think you could be the kind of teacher/role model we all wish we'd had. I also understand that you still have very strong feelings. In a couple of posts you spoke of "the inner one". I hate giving advice worse than anything. I can't even keep my own life under control half the time. But if you feel any disconnection from that "inner one", a feeling like he lives a different life from your own, I'd worry. It took me ten years to get my "inner one" living the same life that I am. It's a way of dissociating from events so terrible that our minds kind of keep those events in a seperate drawer, away from the rest of our lives. I felt a little of that in your posts, but maybe I'm just getting triggered big-time and I'm reliving my own stuff. If that's the case, forget all this. If not, take care of yourself, first. When you feel whole again, there will be time for the kids.

As Andrew would say, Peace.

I still can't believe I've found this place, I still haven't gotten over the shock of all of this.

Thank you everyone who has given me advice, I never dreamed there was such a thing like this.