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#280199 - 03/20/09 06:28 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:21 PM)

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#280201 - 03/20/09 07:07 PM Re: Dealing with sexual triggers... *may trigger* [Re: bardo213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Dude I'm in that stage too, except for me it wasn't porn I was forced to read but anatomy books on the male reproductive system. Thankfully since I'm not a medical student I don't normally find myself reading those books.

Anyways, that aside, it sounds to me like that porn is a big trigger for you. In that case, if you accept that it was a part of the abuse you can deal with better. Me, I started watching porn when I was 14 mostly cause I was curious and also because, well, it was porn and it turned me on. I had seen the pictures on the internet before of naked women, but those weren't as good as watching the movies with people having sex in them.

Anyways, at one point I started experimenting with gay porn, and that was distressing for me on a lot of levels. I didn't identify as gay, and I liked and still do enjoy hooking up with girls. So why was I watching this stuff? I don't know if I'm right, but I suspect it was because it was my own way of acting out my abuse. In the beginning it was just jerk off porn, I had no interest in watching dudes hump. Funny thing though is that one of the most vivid abuse memories I have was watching my cousin stand there while I sat off to the side and watching him masturbate. Once I addressed that, boom, no more urges or impulses to watch that kind of porn. When they did creep back in and I indulged em, I just turned off the video after a while. There was no power to it, no reaction.


But unfortunately when you live most of your sex life doing nothing but watching porn there's this thing called escalation that people do, and eventually I did go on to watching guy on guy stuff. They say it's because you get bored of the old stuff and need more extreme things to get off on. This can be how people end up watching beasteality or something else like that. Again, as I got into counseling I noticed that I was having less urges to watch that porn, and soon enough I noticed that I had no urge to watch it at all. I did want to check, to confirm it with myself, and no reaction to it. That was when I got over my last obstacle in therapy.

Now a few months later it's all come back though, and that question of my sexuality has returned. I have tried again to watch gay porn, and I feel frustrated that I'm going to visit it. I still don't get erections from it, but the behavior that really bothers me is that the only reason I'm doing it is to PROVE to myself that it doesn't do anything for me. It's a clear cut case of obsessive self doubt. In recent weeks, this has left me feeling awful. If you asked me to identify my orientation, I would tell you heterosexual. I'm open minded to the fact that I am not likely to be 100% straight. Sexuality appears to fall on a continuum. My fear of being gay is irrational for a few reasons. One is that there is nothing to be afraid of if one is gay. You are still a dude, you just happen to prefer dudes sexually instead of girls. Second reason for me is that I KNOW I get turned on by women, I normally fantasize about women, and when I hook up with a girl I like I find it very fulfilling and satisfying. There is no guilt, there is no shame, it leaves me happy. As far as being bisexual, that's a possibility as well. A lot of people will try and tell you that that means you're just wishy washy and can't make up your mind, but think of it this way. If you're bisexual, you'll have twice as many people to date!


Then there's the inner "gay man". I don't know where that comes from. I can trace nearly all that "gay" behavior in my life back to my experiences with my cousin, the lines are that clear. And even though I was only a young kid when my abuse started, I know I liked girls. Therefore I believe that once I have finally resolved all my abuse issues and the other personal issues in my life that magnified those, that is probably where my true sexuality will lie. For the moment, I know that I'm attracted to and enjoy being with women. I know that I don't find myself wishing to be with any male friends in a relationship beyond just being normal friends. I'm not looking for guys to go out and hook up with either. But for some irrational reason, when those triggers come I feel "gay". How the hell does somebody just feel "gay?". All I can come up with on my own is that it is a product of something that was constantly hurled at me as an insult as a child, especially so after my abuse with my cousin concluded, because I thought "well I've done some of that stuff, and these kids are all calling me gay, so I guess maybe they're right." I know that lead me to some confusion, but after a while I just shut down emotionally. I wasn't about to allow myself to become vulnerable to love, and after all the awful shit I went through with my sister and sometimes my mother, I can quite honestly say that I'm afraid of being in a relationship with a woman, whether I want one or not. I realize that's something to tackle in therapy too.

But really, that compounds the confusion from the abuse, and so even though I can say "well I know that I like girls", the more I cling to it the more desperately I "fight" the other thoughts. When I just say, "I need to talk to my T about this, and until then I'll just be nothing-sexual" I can calm down a little bit, but it usually tends to come back.


good luck man.


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#280285 - 03/21/09 01:01 PM . [Re: AndyS87]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 07:21 PM)

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#280294 - 03/21/09 01:52 PM Re: Dealing with sexual triggers... *may trigger* [Re: bardo213]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Yeah, my friends have all been supportive of me, in as much as they will listen to me and do the best they can to comfort me when I'm down, but they also say "listen man, we're here for you, but we can't really understand how tough this is or what this feels like. We'll do the best we can for you though."

I realized that because my relationship with my cousin was so much of a friendship, that even though the abuse was there, I mistakenly placed it in the same category as playing Sega or Nintendo, playing catch, roughhousing, etc. I remember after it stopped, I thought that the CSA part of it was just a normal part of any close friendship, and I think not addressing that created a lot of problems for me. I thought that maybe I could do EMDR therapy just by hitting on the big cognitions as opposed to the traumas themselves, but I realize now that I can't ever really bring this to a resolution until I go back there and take a look for myself.

So I know where I'm looking and where I need to go, I just need to keep my head on my shoulders until i get there. I also noticed that stress is a big factor, my worst times are when I have a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, I can't dump that, although it would make life easier, haha. But yeah, I'm doing what I do. I even look back at the past week and see how far things that I don't look at through the right lens can go to make me wig out.


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