Robbie and Ron
I would like to thank both of you for this message..
Robbie for having the courage to post it... I am way new at this and the thing that is scarring me the most is? " What if after all this has come out, and I have shared it with my wife my theripist, and relived it all over again! What if I cant be helped, what then." Take that initial interview with my T has brought back so much crap to me it is sickening. My wife keeps saying everything will come out all right, and I can tell she hopes it will. God only knows what she will do if it dosnt. Point is I have been wondering myself the WHO? Questions as well. Funny thing everyone says get Help and you can live a normal life.... What if I dont honestly know what normal is! I have never had what I read to be a normal life. And so far all the T session has done for me is make things so much worse.
So thank you Robbie for having the courage, anger, strength, what ever it was to post your msg:
WHO stops self harm?
WHO stays married?
WHO ends the PTSD?
WHO goes on to live a normal life?
WHO can say "I'm now recovered!"
Is it the degree or amplitude of trauma? Or maybe its the character strength of the survivor?
Who gets out of this trench?
Thank you so much as well...
Your statement of:
i don't strive to live a normal life, or to be recovered, as in graduate. i don't have those kinds of expectations. all i want is to reconcile the circumstances that caused me to become a separate 'who' in the first place and to dwell peacefully within the shell of my own skin.
to become a whole 'who' eclipsing the fragmented 'who' of earlier life stages.
My God that speaks to me in so many ways. I cant strive for normal if I have never had it I cant get it back, and if I dont truely know it, how can I attain it. Its like setting a goal for me to obtain and live a " Normal Life " is this fairy tale. And it disheartens me when I see it stated so often the " I want to have a NORMAL LIFE " statement. Or I just want to be normal. I just started seeing a theripist and honestly my expectations of theropy helping me before I went were like finally I can get help!! My wife of 21 years finding out what happened to me as a child, though sooooo embarassing and though I was scared to death of how she would react. Freed me to openly reach out for help finaly, to get a T and to see if I can be helped. Her exact words after finding out were, Honey you need to get help.
And I thanked God that she feels in her heart that I can be helped. After the interview I left that office and cried for first time in 30 years, I couldn't stop crying, I couldnt go home so I parked in WalMart lot for 4 hours crying. I was so hurt and so affraid, and so lost, thinking to myself my God what have I done! And now the nightmares are back, the fear is back, the pain is worse then ever, the shame, guilt, and over all feeling of helplessness, the uges, and worst of all the physical sickness I feel when I sit down at my own table to eat my dinner at night is back! And I am asking myself. Is this better? Is this what is considered living as a survivor? If it is I dont want to survive!
You all the answers to my questions in your relply to Robbie. I dont want normal, I want a free me. And that is what I will now look forward too, on this path of healing, to free myself of the WHO I was and Openly and Freely become the WHO I am...
Sorry so wordy.....
And thank both of you sooooo much.....