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#27999 - 03/11/05 06:47 PM My Thoughts on SA of Boys and Aftermath
xenoman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Montana
My Thoughts on 10 Facts of SA of Boys and its Aftermath
Alcoholic Parents-Whats wrong with me? I used to ask this question often. The feelings of
being unloved and unwanted looking for love and acceptance wherever it could be found.
Then the 16 year old that took advantage of me while camping out in the woods near the house.
Guilt-from this event caused me to have a warped sense that someone did actually care for me
because he continued to violate me several times after that.
Anxiety-because I felt like I was going to burn in hell for doing such a thing and blaming
myself for letting it happen but it was overpowering of my sense of reality and judgement.
Yet at my age I was not even mature enough to know if it was right or wrong. I just knew
that with the physical pain I endured I also had deep emotional scars to deal with as
well. The pain turned into a sense of pleasure like a love hate relationship. I loved being
accepted but I hated the pain I had to endure to be accepted yet I was facing the same
situation at home.
Depression-would develop over the years from not knowing who I was sexually. Feeling
like I was both heterosexual and homosexual thinking I was so screwed up. Then when
Alcohol entered the picture in my life at the age of 18 that was the magic cure. I could
drown the feelings that I was having by getting blitzed on alcohol. Then the drugs were
introduced so I then had a double cure to ease the pain I was feeling inside. When there
was no alcohol or drugs depression would come. Pour in more drugs and alcohol and
the depression would go away.
Shame-at the years of feelings for boys and men and always wondering if I was gay.
Then experimenting to see if I really was homosexual. I chased after all of the wrong
things and it always ended in despair.I would buy books of ponography and when
I had emptied my loads through masturbation I would feel shame and throw away the
books. This obsession kept getting worse until I had to try and act out what I was
seeing in the books so then the experimentations started with other males.
Low Self Esteem-Once I was doing all of this I was beginning to feel that I was
lower than the scum of the earth. I had a very low self image of myself. It took many
years to get over these feelings. It affected my marriage and every phase of my life
but even though I had this low self image I still managed to get a good education and
acquire good jobs but the jobs never lasted. I was always on the next chase looking
for answers that I had no clue about.
Self Destructive Behavior-in the chase of looking for answers the alcohol and drug
pattern became a self destructive behavior that kept repeating itself until I almost
killed myself by drinking. My body had become so poisoned with alcohol even the
doctor and therapist were reluctant to help me when I cried out for help. They didnt
think I would live through it.
Relational / Sexual dysfunction- naturally in the process my relation and sexual dysfunction
was a major crises in my marriage. I thank God that my wife loved me enough to
hang in there with me and tried to understand me because she loved me. A love that
I could not even grasp at the time.
Compulsive behavior like alcoholism / drug addiction-This thing that was eating on me and
had been eating on me for years was beginning to unravel with my compulsive behavior
through the alcoholism and drug addiction. I learned in the alcohol recovery program that
it was a progressive disease and I certainly found this to be true each time I started
drinking again. The drugs served as just a boost in power to the alcohol but both were
a driving compulsive behavior that would not let me go.
Overeating-was also another factor in my life. Most of my life I have had to deal with
a weight problem. Before my problems began my mother gave me vitamins to make me
eat. I always thought it was the vitamins that made me overeat and now I see that it was
all part of this horrible thing that happened in my childhood that I was trying to cover up.
Over spending-another problem that I have asked over and over again why? Why do I
over spend why do I have to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over.
Why couldn't I learn from the first mistake but kept repeating them over and over. Only
since I quit drinking have I been able to start getting a handle on the eating and over spending.
Sexual obsession or compulsion-the biggest misunderstanding in my life. Obsession with
looking at pornography and primarily male pornography. I found that this would come in
cycles and once I was over it then I could walk away from it and not think about it until
I started noticing that I was feeling depressed again and then I would have to start looking
at it again. Was there ever going to be any freedom from these clutches of obsession?
Can lead to Sexual Confusion or Identity Crises- Yes, definitely I thought. Confused, and
not knowing still whether I was normal, straight, or gay. I dont enjoy looking at heterosexual
pornorgraphy only male pornography. I don't enjoy sex with my wife any more. My health
had deteriorated due to the over eating which produced diabetes and I thought heart problems
only to find out I had an over active thyroid which caused my heart to race, blood pressure
to be elevated, and several other problems. Is there still hope? Can or will I ever enjoy a
normal sex relation with my wife again. At times through our 30 years of marriage I did.
So I thought only until my depressions and obsessions returned again and again.
Xenoman


Top
#28000 - 03/13/05 02:21 AM Re: My Thoughts on SA of Boys and Aftermath
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
Originally posted by xenoman:
My Thoughts on 10 Facts of SA of Boys and its Aftermath
Alcoholic Parents-Whats wrong with me? I used to ask this question often. The feelings of
being unloved and unwanted looking for love and acceptance wherever it could be found.
Then the 16 year old that took advantage of me while camping out in the woods near the house.
Guilt-from this event caused me to have a warped sense that someone did actually care for me
because he continued to violate me several times after that.
Anxiety-because I felt like I was going to burn in hell for doing such a thing and blaming
myself for letting it happen but it was overpowering of my sense of reality and judgement.
Yet at my age I was not even mature enough to know if it was right or wrong. I just knew
that with the physical pain I endured I also had deep emotional scars to deal with as
well. The pain turned into a sense of pleasure like a love hate relationship. I loved being
accepted but I hated the pain I had to endure to be accepted yet I was facing the same
situation at home.
Depression-would develop over the years from not knowing who I was sexually. Feeling
like I was both heterosexual and homosexual thinking I was so screwed up. Then when
Alcohol entered the picture in my life at the age of 18 that was the magic cure. I could
drown the feelings that I was having by getting blitzed on alcohol. Then the drugs were
introduced so I then had a double cure to ease the pain I was feeling inside. When there
was no alcohol or drugs depression would come. Pour in more drugs and alcohol and
the depression would go away.
Shame-at the years of feelings for boys and men and always wondering if I was gay.
Then experimenting to see if I really was homosexual. I chased after all of the wrong
things and it always ended in despair.I would buy books of ponography and when
I had emptied my loads through masturbation I would feel shame and throw away the
books. This obsession kept getting worse until I had to try and act out what I was
seeing in the books so then the experimentations started with other males.
Low Self Esteem-Once I was doing all of this I was beginning to feel that I was
lower than the scum of the earth. I had a very low self image of myself. It took many
years to get over these feelings. It affected my marriage and every phase of my life
but even though I had this low self image I still managed to get a good education and
acquire good jobs but the jobs never lasted. I was always on the next chase looking
for answers that I had no clue about.
Self Destructive Behavior-in the chase of looking for answers the alcohol and drug
pattern became a self destructive behavior that kept repeating itself until I almost
killed myself by drinking. My body had become so poisoned with alcohol even the
doctor and therapist were reluctant to help me when I cried out for help. They didnt
think I would live through it.
Relational / Sexual dysfunction- naturally in the process my relation and sexual dysfunction
was a major crises in my marriage. I thank God that my wife loved me enough to
hang in there with me and tried to understand me because she loved me. A love that
I could not even grasp at the time.
Compulsive behavior like alcoholism / drug addiction-This thing that was eating on me and
had been eating on me for years was beginning to unravel with my compulsive behavior
through the alcoholism and drug addiction. I learned in the alcohol recovery program that
it was a progressive disease and I certainly found this to be true each time I started
drinking again. The drugs served as just a boost in power to the alcohol but both were
a driving compulsive behavior that would not let me go.
Overeating-was also another factor in my life. Most of my life I have had to deal with
a weight problem. Before my problems began my mother gave me vitamins to make me
eat. I always thought it was the vitamins that made me overeat and now I see that it was
all part of this horrible thing that happened in my childhood that I was trying to cover up.
Over spending-another problem that I have asked over and over again why? Why do I
over spend why do I have to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over.
Why couldn't I learn from the first mistake but kept repeating them over and over. Only
since I quit drinking have I been able to start getting a handle on the eating and over spending.
Sexual obsession or compulsion-the biggest misunderstanding in my life. Obsession with
looking at pornography and primarily male pornography. I found that this would come in
cycles and once I was over it then I could walk away from it and not think about it until
I started noticing that I was feeling depressed again and then I would have to start looking
at it again. Was there ever going to be any freedom from these clutches of obsession?
Can lead to Sexual Confusion or Identity Crises- Yes, definitely I thought. Confused, and
not knowing still whether I was normal, straight, or gay. I dont enjoy looking at heterosexual
pornorgraphy only male pornography. I don't enjoy sex with my wife any more. My health
had deteriorated due to the over eating which produced diabetes and I thought heart problems
only to find out I had an over active thyroid which caused my heart to race, blood pressure
to be elevated, and several other problems. Is there still hope? Can or will I ever enjoy a
normal sex relation with my wife again. At times through our 30 years of marriage I did.
So I thought only until my depressions and obsessions returned again and again.
Xenoman
I seriously thought I had written this post. Really blows me away. I think I am lucky to an extent cause I am finally getting help but you could be me easily.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

Top
#28001 - 03/13/05 03:54 AM Re: My Thoughts on SA of Boys and Aftermath
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
xenoman,

I am sorry to say we have a lot in common. In any case, at least the folks on this site understand where you are coming from.

J


Top
#28002 - 03/13/05 05:29 PM Re: My Thoughts on SA of Boys and Aftermath
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Xenoman - I responded to your earlier post about "I asked him to stop!" The very things you mention I had placed in that post reply because they are very typical of male survivors. Too often we suffer in isolation with many of the same symptoms feeling "It's just me!". I've spent years educating patients, clients, colleagues, psychiatrists, ministry leaders, etc. to the damage sexual abuse does. I have a saying, "You're very normal for the abnormal things that happened to you". It's sooo true!Hope this makes sense? Journey on, brother!! Better things ahead!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top


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