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#279840 - 03/17/09 03:49 PM Trying to Find Some Friends
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
For those of you who have read my other posts this might be a little better to undertsand as you read.

I have no friends-that's pretty straight forward and simple. I've been through so much in the last few years and I've come so far but for some reason I just can't seem to make that connects that I need to. I have a job but and I get anolg with the people there. They accept me and talk to me but I'm still afraid to take the next step and actually become friends with them. My T and I have been talking for weeks about me asking someone out to the movies or to the mall but I haven't actually done it yet. I want to but...I don't know...I'm just still so afraid of the possible rejection.

When I step outside of myself and look at my situation I wonder why I'm so afraid. I'm not threatening or scary. I'm not intimidating or mean. Like I said before, most of the people at my job start and include me in conversations and I know they wouldn't do that if they didn't like me. I'm not at all vain, but I wouldn't say that I was bad looking, although, for most guys that wouldn't be much of a factor anyway.

I've never really beem an extroverted person and its only been in the last year that I've partially emerged from my shell. When I'm not at school or at work I'm at home in my room. I'm 19 years old, I should be out having fun, making friends, partying and just enjoying life, not at home wishing about it. I don't know how to make the connections.

How do I take the next step and make friends? How did you guys do it? I'm not looking for anything extraordinary, just someone to accept me as I am. How do I do it?

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#279846 - 03/17/09 04:27 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Clockwise]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Clock,

Just stick your hand out to someone you like and make the offer of friendship. Alot of people are just like we are and are just waiting for you to make the first move in connecting. To make a friend we first must be a friend. If you experience rejection it has more to do with them then it does with you anyway.

I have a friend that I met in a recovery home that we both lived in. During our time there together we got to know each other and become close. Both of us have a hard time with establishing and maintaining friendships.
The night I graduated from that home I approched him and stuck out my hand. I told him that I would like to remain in touch and friends no matter what.
Today we live about 70 miles apart and we only see each once or twice year. The other day at work I found myself at the end of the day close to his house. I called him and asked if I could buy him dinner. He said yes right away and we met at a restuaent for about an hour. We talk and updated each other on what is going on in our lives. It was like we started off just where we were in our friendship the last time we saw each other.
As I was driving home I felt really good about myself and the fact that this person is a good friend. Because i choose to reach out of my fear and to ask him to be my friend.
Even thought our lives are so different we remain friends and care about each other.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#279854 - 03/17/09 06:02 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: michael banks]
manuel Offline


Registered: 03/14/09
Posts: 10
Hi,

I am probably not the best person to give you advise since I don't know what it is to have a near friend or a best friend. Everyday we meet new people and the process to create a friendship starts by being able to be honest about who you are don't be afraid to tell the real story when someone ask you a question, never lie, is better to tell someone that you don't want to talk about it...the first conversation is the beginnig of a new chapter in your life, everyday we open and close chapters, a best friend is a person that you allow to be part of other significant closed or open chapters in your life.

I never open my heart and life to someone else and I created many separate chapters becuase i was not an honest person. The shame and fear of sociaty was a heavy load on my shoulders and I regret not allowing people to get near my real life.

I don't need to know you in person to tell you that you are a wonderful person and a lot of people will love to be your friend, just remember that friends come and go but a Best Friend is only the product of honesty, time, and work......and it takes two people to allow it.

I hope you understand my message!!!!

Take care.

Manuel


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#279856 - 03/17/09 06:35 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Clockwise]
Tadd Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 30
Clock,

I don't know if you have any other hobblies or interests, if you do, these can also be used as a means of meeting up with people and developing friendship thru a common interest. Whether it be a poetry club at school, sports, fishing, photography,chess club,writing club etc.

You can make friends right here online in this site because you have a common thread or issue. This same thing can be done also in your real life with others using once again a common interest!

I know how hard this truly is to do when you're a rather introverted person....I've been there myself! I also would have found it uncomfortable and hard to ask someone, anyone out on some sort of date as well and for the exact reason you stated...

Just some ideas here that you might wish to consider!

PM me and keep me updated how things go for you because I know just how freightening it all can be.

Garrison


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#279873 - 03/17/09 09:23 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Tadd]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Hey Clock!

First off - good for you! Your desire to build friendships and have that human connection is a great thing! It's a healthy desire and it's a courageous thing! It's always scary to start something new - whether that's a job or a new home or a frienship - good for you to acknowledge you want to embrace that fear and do the good work!

Some suggestions - do searches for social groups within your community. I know our church has a youth pastor and has activites for young adults - they separate groups out by age and I know they have one for adults 18 to 25. Even if you don't belong to a church you can just attend one - see if their message doesn't drive you crazy and then look into their social groups.

Most metropolitan areas have community resource centers - so if you live in or near a small city or suburb - look up their recreational center and then go there and see what they have posted. Sometimes they will have groups for single purposes - like education or learning a skill or developing a hobby. Other times they will have social gatherings.

Another possiblity - if you feel particularly compelled by some social or environmental cause - most have offices working to build support for their cause - if you are passionate about the envrionment or animal rights or hunting or volunteering or whatever - you imagine it - there's likely someone else out there working for the same reason.

My very last suggestion, and one I give with some reservations, would be one of the companies like match.com but that allow you to indicate you are not looking for a romantic relationship and that you are not looking to get married. Dating companies scare me, you don't know their screening process, the risks are incalculable and I don't think it would serve your purpose of finding "someone to accept me as I am". So I would almost discourage that but have to say I guess it's an option depending on the size of the city or town you live in.

But again - good for you man! I hope you take some time to recognize it's a good thing, it's a courageous thing and you should be proud of yourself for wanting to make a connection.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#279903 - 03/18/09 02:40 AM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Survivinguy]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
When I was 18 & 1/2 my folk's up and moved from Pontiac, MI to a SE-side suburb of Cleveland. I was in college up at Western Michigan University at the time, but I dropped-out and finally had to move down to Cleveland when I was 20. I didn't know anyone. I had several jobs and found a few friends at those, but the place that I found the most friends at was at the bar. I had some rough experiences at a couple of bars too, but I first met one kid when I was playing foosball, and that led eventually to his entire social crowd, and through some of them I met some other people. It only took from December of 1977 until April of 1979 to acquire several good friends in a city that I hadn't grown-up in. In early 1979 a friend from work and I got our own place in Kent, OH, where Kent State University is, and we had a really good time there for about a year. Then I shared another apartment with another friend through 1981.

Even though I still had a few friends in the Cleveland & Akron area I still kept making trips back to Pontiac to just hang-out as I still had lots of friends there that I had grown-up with. In the Summer of 1981 I moved back to Michigan and lived with a couple of old friends in a rental house in Birmingham. Between then and December of 1982 I had a really good time.

So it isn't impossible to make new friends in a new town. You play video games? Try hanging around a gamer's store. There are always places where younger people hang-out. You could try some of those places. Here in my neighborhood there is a tunnel under the road that is little used for anything except by partying kids. I'm not suggesting that you develop a drug or alcohol addiction just to find some friends. Maybe get yourself a CD Walkman and walk around with the music blasting. Somebody will notice and say something. Or go by the local college and find out where the 19 year-olds hang out. Maybe try a frat party.

Don't let it get you down. You just have to get out there and do a little experimenting. Laugh a little and then live a little!!!

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#279916 - 03/18/09 08:37 AM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Trucker51]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
I was in the same boat as you when I graduated high school. It took about 3 years, but eventually I got sick of having no real friends, only work acquaintances. I ended up hooking back up with an old high school friend. Now we are closer then we ever were in high school. Do you have any high school friends you can re-unite with, even if you were`nt close in high school maybe now you can be. You`re gonna be nervous, it`s easier to push people away then let people get close to you.

Another big place you can meet people is at college. Do they have some kind of cafeteria you can eat at? Try just sitting down and talking with someone. Maybe ask someone in one of your classes to help you study.

I go to tech school now and the students I know best are the cigarette smokers because we go out to smoke for 10 min after every class. Obviously, don`t pick up smoking to make friends, but if you already do.

Another suggestion, do the people you work with do anything after work on Friday. I know my company goes for beers at the end of the day. I started tagging along before I was 21 and just drank soda and hung out.

Just know that you are not alone, just thinking about this stuff makes me very nervous. Even now, I`m 22, have 2 close friends, and still push everyone else away. It is definitely going to take courage.



Edited by Riley (03/18/09 08:42 AM)
Edit Reason: add some stuff

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#280704 - 03/25/09 12:25 AM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Riley]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Clockwise I'd like to offer some suggestions. If your in school/college just start of by saying hello to people who sit near on you a regular basis. Then gradually ask them how they are doing? Just build up on the steps slowly. I know how you feel buddy. I get lonely and long for close friends. I realize how important it is too just put yourself out there which can be very scary. I read in a book that gave some great advice for those who feel lonely. Just pretend, imagine everyone you meet feels just as lonely as you and they want to talk and hang out. That might help. Good luck to you buddy.

Charlie.


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#280752 - 03/25/09 11:26 AM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Charlie24]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I've a different suggestion. What happens inside you when someone "rejects you"? Something I noticed was I have a huge tendency to tell myself somethings wrong with me... I said the wrong thing, they don't like me, nobody would like what I said or did... It triggers shame and that's so unpleasant it's really hard to approach people.

What has helped is to notice that voice and interrupt it. In fact, usually people react because of themselves.... They are insecure and afraid to get closer to you or even spend time, a date or whatever. Or too busy. Or misunderstand your intentions. Or something else. So, I try to consider all the reasons in them for their reaction and not make it about some fault of mine.

Next time you get a "rejection", say to yourself what might prevent them from accepting a fine opportunity with you.

Low self-esteem is behind this, and it's the natural reaction of a child. It's not your fault, but it is unfortunately now up to you to change that.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#280942 - 03/26/09 09:18 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: LandOfShadow]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thanks everyone for the responses. Today actually started out as a good day but when I got to work late on is when this be change. I hate my job but right now there's notmuch that I'm qualified to do. I have no real friends there although everyone says I'm so friendly becaus I do whatever I'm told and never reject a job. I hate it when I see the other people there sitting together on their breaks and talking and eating together. That's never me. What's so disgusting about me? I just don't understand how everybody can make friends but me. I feel so lonely right now. It's like this mass of hate and anger in the middle of my chest. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder what I have to live for. I don't have a significant other, no friends to speak of, no money, I'm failing in school and everytime I turn around Im getting into another argument with my stepdad. I feel so lost right now.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#280954 - 03/26/09 10:14 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Clockwise]
veganchild Offline


Registered: 03/26/09
Posts: 8
Loc: ontario
i can relate to u so much


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#280959 - 03/26/09 10:35 PM Re: Trying to Find Some Friends [Re: Clockwise]
veganchild Offline


Registered: 03/26/09
Posts: 8
Loc: ontario
omg im 19 too, finally


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