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#279773 - 03/16/09 11:24 PM Letting go of the Ex's
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
One question. How the HELL does one let go of old girl friends. The situations of the past have been playing in my head over and over again. Thoughts and emotions have been racing profusely. I feel sadness, depression, shame, anger, jealousy, and helplessness. Sometimes from memories of women I've dated 12 years ago. I want to get them out of my head so I can move on and meet someone new.

I've blown off new women I meet because I have a negative view of them. I don't trust them and I look at them as evil. I have lots of women I'm friends with that I trust but I would never GO THERE with relationships because I believe they would use me or reject me as a person (I know that is irrational but I wanted to express that).

I want new relationships and I want to get rid of all of the bullsh@t that is left in my head from old girl friends. I don't need that in my life. It does me no good and common sense tells me to JUST LET IT GO but that garbage of women from my past that aren't even worth my time keeps popping up in my head over and over again. How do I stop it and why have I failed to let that go? Any pointers?

Anyone have any suggestions or pointers?

Thanks,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#279799 - 03/17/09 09:42 AM Re: Letting go of the Ex's [Re: endlessjourney]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Jason.

The only pointer that comes to mind for me is items from the farther past may need processing. I don't know your abuse past, but mine had an abusive mother in it. I find much difficulty in pursuing relationship with any woman because my mother made them all look like monsters with her abusive behavior. Only when I processed some of that could I even consider relationship with a woman. Does it seem to you that any of the feelings over past girlfriends tie further back to an abusive female in your past? Just a thought question, not really asking you to answer that publically, unless you wish to.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#279807 - 03/17/09 10:49 AM Re: Letting go of the Ex's [Re: endlessjourney]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
thanks for the question jason.

i saw this last night, and then slept on it, and it gave me a lot to think about. hopefully it will go down to the feeling level where the real healing can begin!

i have a hard time forgiving myself for not being perfect in every relationship from the past. it kills me to know someone may think badly of me for failing to live up to their expectations [i didn't have any]. even though i have tried to make amends as much as possible, i still feel the shame of being human and prone to mistakes. i can't seem to forgive myself for not being all things for all people.

of course, because of my csa experiences, i was not in a good position to make decisions about partnering in the first place. as i looked for partners, subconsciously i was either trying to reconnect to my earliest sexual experiences with my abuser/brother [in relationships with males] or trying to get into a relationship with my mother [in my relationships with females]. either way, i was never able to to make connection, and just lived according to an imagined>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279829 - 03/17/09 01:25 PM Re: Letting go of the Ex's [Re: Sans Logos]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Thanks for the replies. I did have a mother that was abusive, and still to this day tries to make one feel ashamed. I think her mentality was more along the lines of "SHATTERING THE EGO" as she had put it a few times. My father cheated on her and then died at his mistress's house. I guess she never got over that and thought it would be appropriate to raise me to be as insecure as possible so that I would be miserable and not go out and get what I want with women. KIND OF LIKE A DISPLACED ANGER THING TOWARDS MY FATHER. Or so my speculation says.

It is kind of funny you mention that parent thing. I've had times where I wanted some ex-girlfriends to baby me like a mother would. Its funny because I remember that my mother wasn't there to do that after my father died when I was five. She was all messed up in the head for a while. I think when a girl exits my life I resent them and feel somewhat of a hatred towards them because of it. Not that they were wrong for that. They were just moving on in order to do what makes them happy. Me on the other hand, despite my rational interpretations of the situation, deep down I feel like the girl has done a great injustice to me by leaving. AS IF IT WERE HER JOB TO BE WITH ME.

I think I understand now. The one woman who's job was to be with me and nurture me was my mother. I was five when this happens. Another example of displaced anger, sadness, and the "I'm not good enough" complex coming from childhood reveals itself.

This helps! Thanks a lot guys.

Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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