After reading your post, I realize now that this is what happens to me - panic attacks - when I'm in certain social situations. Every time I went out with friends I would have an escape route...I'd always drive myself, I would sneak away soon after I felt a panic and a certain isolation come over me. Looking back at it now, I realize that I was having these reactions because I thought maybe people were getting too close to me and that I could only take so much socializing at a time....all I wanted to do was run and hide. In a way I was seeking some attention for the pain I was feeling- running away suddenly got me out of the situation, but left the door open to "someone" who might understand my flight mechanisms. This just worried people when they couldn't find me, but it worked for me at the time because I did what needed to be done - I escaped.
Too bad this didn't happen when I was 10. The hold my perpetrator had on me would not allow me to escape.
Maybe we can't cope any longer in a given situation(s) and the brain kicks in with these kind of "attacks." It's what we do to survive I think. Almost a sensory overload.
I used to spend weekends hiding in my apartment, recovering from all the pretending and posing I would do during the week just to get by. It's a terrible circle sometimes. I've gotten to a place where I don't do this anymore, but I still feel these attacks lurking at times.
You can get through these times. They suck, they really do, but you have to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Surviving to this day has been because I focused on this light, that I would someday get there and I would be free! The thing I realized at a young age was that I KNEW it would be hard work, that there would be a lot of battles and a lot of mistakes....somehow I just knew I could make it out and you can too.
Please, don't ever give up! Places like this website are a Godsend. Please talk your way through things, it's the best way to healing and recovery. You have so many survivors here who understand what you're going through and will offer any advice they can give. I'm grateful for it.
The panic is less often now for me because of the work I've done that includes counseling, meds, and being a member of this site.
I'm still not free, nor do I think I ever will be. But I have begun to live again and it's the greatest feeling I could ever have imagined.
Hope you're feeling better as of late and thanks for your post. It helped me fit together a small peace of my puzzle and I hope this reply lends some help to you.
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