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#279245 - 03/12/09 08:22 PM Need Help For Boyfriend
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
This is my first post and I hope you guys might be able to help me in my current situation. Here it goes..... I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have one child in common. I know my boyfriend had an extremely abusive (I mean sexually,physical, and mental)childhood. The abuse mainly came from his older brother. His brother did alot of very bad things to him. Some examples are choking him til he would pass out; throwing him into concrete walls and knocking him unconcious; sexually abusing him; etc.. My boyfriend's father was bed ridden from the time he was born and passed away when he was around the age of 20, so he never really had a father. His mother is Japanese and does not speak english very much. His mother never showed my boyfriend any love growing up and always favored the older brother, which is not uncommon among asian traditions to favor the first born son. The mother was aware of the physical abuse, but never did anything. He tried telling his mother of the sexual abuse, but she did not believe him.
Then around the age of 18 my boyfriend's brother hit him in the head with a hammer for not making him breakfast and my boyfriend finally flipped on him and went after him with a knife. The cops came and even though no one was hurt, the state picked up the charges and had him sent to a mental hospital. He never revealed to anyone of the sexual abuse at the hospital, probably because he already felt betrayed and that there was no one he could trust. He is 33 now and I know his past still bothers him, but never has gotten nor asked for help. I know it's because of the trust issue because he feels like everyone in his life has betrayed him, especially his family. He still speaks to his brother occasionally and his brother always acts as if nothing ever happened. He still feels like he must honor his mother even though she never helped him because now she is just to old to even understand and that is the last of his family. Forgot to mention that is brother is clinically diagnosed schizophrenic.
Now on to the present. I know my boyfriend because of his past had turned to drugs in the past. I think it was more of a self medicating thing. When my boyfriend and I became involved, I showed him love he never knew existed. We have been through so much together in the short time we have been together, but I never turned my back on him. He has told me he has loved me more than he has ever loved anyone. It has not been easy because he does have alot of trust issues as well as other issues.
Here is the current situation I need help in as if that all wasn't enough. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, plus the child my boyfriend and I have. My 5 year old daughter recently came to me and told me that my boyfriend had been sexually abusing her for awhile. She never lies or makes things up so I knew she was telling the truth. I immediately called him and he denied it, but I could not take the chance. I put all his clothes in bags outside and never allowed him back into the house at all. he kept denying it for days until like 2 days after I kicked him out. He called that morning begging me to speak with him. I finally got him to admit that yes he had done it and he didn't know why. He kept saying he was not attracted to little girls and he didn't know what was wrong with him and he wanted to kill himself. I calmed him down and told him I wouldget him help. I called hotlines to see what I needed to do and they all said I have to report the abuse or it would come back on me and I needed him to go to th ER and tell them he is suicidal. His mother took him to the ER and while he was there, I called the police to report the abuse. To make this already long stroy short, they went to the hospital and arrested him immediatly, before he even got a chance to speak with a psychiatrist. The police were aware he was suicidal because I had told them. I tol the police I did not want to press charges because I wanted to get him help, but the state picked up the charges. I am getting my daughter help and will help her through all of this.
He has been in jail for 3 weeks now and I know he is dying on the inside there. No one will help him. The cops didn't even tell the jailers that he was suicidal. The state is trying to put him in jail for life because of the Jessica's Law and past drug conviction and I want help not jail for him. He has no body right now and the judge ordered the no contact so I can't even speak with him. I did get him a good lawyer, but what else can I do? He hasn't even been evaluated yet. I put about his past in my police report and told them this is someone that needs help. I do want to make sure that everyone understands in NO WAY am I justifying or downplaying what he did to my daughter in any way. My heart is torn. I hate that he did this, but I feel it is his past over powering him and thats why he did it. I want him to go through treatment and my daughter through therapy and hopefully maybe they can go togther when they are each ready and address this together.
If anyone one has any advice on what more I can do for him, I am listening. Sorry this was so long, but had to get out bthe details.


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#279278 - 03/12/09 11:36 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
purplestar , first please know how amazing you are, protecting your child, stil caring compassionately for you bf and working towards everyones' recovery. th legal system will be a trickbut you totally had to do that.

i'm falling asleep and may write more later, but you're so profoundly wise here. and going through a lot. i hope you can get therapeutic support you need through this. Taking care of yourself i suspect you know already, is the most important thing you can do for the. ok gotta say good night. All Hope and Healing to you, An


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#279287 - 03/13/09 12:52 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: An]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
purplestar

I was abused by my Father, sexual abuse by a trusting family member was devstating to me I just barely kept myself sane working through all the issues. But another aspect to this tradgedy for me was that later in life I found out my mother knew this about my father, (he abused someone else before me) and it so sickened her that she would not sleep with him -- she made me sleep with him.. I pitied my father because he was sick -- I was deeply hurt by my mother becuase of her selfishness.
bottom line ------- Your primary purpose in this life is to love and protect the children god has given you.They still have alot of growing up to do, and there will be much they have to work through. Don't let misdirected compassion sway you from your ultimate duty. Thats my advice for all it's worth.
May God grant you courage and peace
Tony

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#279323 - 03/13/09 10:07 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thanks An for the comforting words. It just baffles me that there is no way for someone who has done something and wants to get help for it to get that help without convicting themselves. To me you don't save a child by locking all these people up, but you save a child by making that person understand what they have done to the child and help them in any way to prevent it from ever happening. That's how you save a child.

Study even shows that these people, once caught and get the treatment they need, have one of the lowest reoffending rates. Majority of these people really do want to stop abusing the child ,or whom it may be, but how can they do that once they have already started. They obviously can't just come out and say it because the state will back you in a corner like they did us and make you convict yourself. I can see if he still denied it, then maybe jail would give him the time to think about it, but he has owned up to it and takes responsibility and really wants help. Who knows, maybe I am in denial that a person I loved and trusted so much could do this.
I look at it at this aspect. I feel with these people that abuse others, it is about the control of the victim as well as an addiction to the abuse. These people become addicted to the feeling of power they have over their victim. They know it's wrong, but they are not strong enough to stop without help. Now look at people addicted to drugs. Same thing, they are addicted to the drug and know it's wrong and illegal, but are not strong enough to overpower that "needing it" feeling. Now these people have the option to go to a rehab program and not convict themselves and get praise for stepping up and taking control of their life back. Why do we not offer the same things for sex offenders?
Now my boyfriend is sitting in a jail cell not really understanding why he did what he did and is slowly dying inside because the state would rather turn their back and let him wither away in his thoughts of why. That is human cruelty to me. This is someone I know has a good christian heart and is just lost right now. He has been overpowered by his past demons and is now suffering for his childhood once again.


Tony2C, I'm sorry you went through what you did. Believe me that that is my ultimate duty in life to protect my children and make them be they best they can be and overcome the tragedies they may occur in life. Unfortunately we can't protect them from everything because you really don't know who you can trust any more these days. I must of done something right being my child was strong enough to come and tell me. I did the right thing by completely believing her and not denying it like most families would do. My daughter will get through this because she has me by her side and we are built strong.
Let me ask you this though, what if someone would of gotten your father help and made him realize the damage he was doing to you and gave you both that shot of having a normal father-child realationship, would you have takin that help? Thats where I am. My boyfriend and I do have a child together and I am just trying to save her father as well as my other daughter. I am just holding on to that hope that someday we may be able to live as a society defined normal family and overcome this tragedy as one. I appreciate both of your words and God bless you as well.



Edited by purplestar (03/13/09 10:41 AM)

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#279324 - 03/13/09 10:29 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
purplestar, my heart wrenches for you. you obviously have some deep deep feelings and compassion for this person and god knows he needs it now more than ever.

you did the right thing by reporting the abuse, but now it is equally important to accept the consequences of your actions. you did what you did to protect your daughter, and admirably so, because now she can start to get the attention she needs at the very earliest stages of the tragic experience of sexual abuse.

the most important thing is that you focus on her recovery needs, and give support to your boyfriend, but also realize that the course that future events will take is now out of your hands.

let those who handle such things take the reins now, and just continue to give the best supportive presence that you are able from your current position.

i know that in yours is a story of tragic endings, but in every ending there is the seed of hope for a new beginning. your passion and courage is very evident in what you have written here, and i pray your next new chapter will be one that will lead to the highest and best possible for all concerned.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279325 - 03/13/09 10:47 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:56 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#279329 - 03/13/09 11:01 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
joelRT, I know there is so much study out there on all different aspects of this type of things and I'm sure some are conflicting. I am new to all this and at the early stages of research, but I do know some studies have shown that although they may not be able to cure the person, they can teach them how to divert and control their feelings. He did not choose me because I have a daughter because he has a daughter of his own that is 6 from a previous relationship and has been part of her life since birth. He had her by himself every weekend before I ever came along and would of had every opportunity if what you say is true to abuse her. He has NEVER done anything to her though. I have been in good contact with his other daughter's mother and she has sat her daughter down and spoke with her and and believes her daughter when she says that her father has never hurt her. She knows and believes her daughter and so do I because this is a very smart little girl and would tell the truth, so no I'm sorry but you study DOES NOT support that he chose me because I had a daughter. Even the other mother believes that this is someone that needs help. I appreciate your input though, but every person is different and does have a different story.


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#279330 - 03/13/09 11:02 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
but had you not had a daughter to entice him, he would not have entered into a relationship with you.

joel, i'm not sure i can agree with you on that statement, it may be pure conjecture.

well, we can't agree on everything now can we? but that don't mean i don't love you anymore :-)

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279332 - 03/13/09 11:10 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Sans Logos]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thanks Sans Logos, yeah I replied to Joel above as well on that. Thanks for your advice as well. My daughter is my number one and she is doing really good right now. She is being her normal happy self, but I am going to have her evaluated to see if counseling is needed at this time or not. I am doing my best to try to support him as well, but it's so hard being a no contact order so I have no way to even show him that I am trying to help him as well. Thank you though.


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#279338 - 03/13/09 12:08 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
purplestar;

My concern in your whole issue is that you are treading in uncertain waters, and as much as you'd like to be able to be there for everyone including the man you love, it's admirable but maybe a little unrealistic. he was "in love" with you when he abused your daughter, and it seems he only fessed up when you put him against the wall.
As is the case with many CSA survivors, we become very protective of children --- most especially when there are predatoratory dangers of CSA lurking around. All I am trying to say if you are going to err, err on the side of caution, on the side of your daughter.
God be with you in this, I will pray for you, you are a special lady.
tony

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#279339 - 03/13/09 12:16 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:56 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#279343 - 03/13/09 01:00 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Joel

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/sexual_abuse.htm#sa1

http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/tell_others_the_facts.html

http://www.oncefallen.com/Recidivism101.html

Your article is from 2002, there has been so much more advanced study since then. Again I am not her to debate or anything, I simpliy just wanted some advice. If I have posted this on a forum where it was not exactly the correct place, then please let me know and I shall walk away quietly. I just noticed on some of the other post here that some people had the feeling of becoming an abuser and may see where I am coming from. I have also said that in no way am I downplaying what he did, I just feel it stems from something further in his head that he never got the proper help for and it has now overpowered him. He is still a victim as well as the abuser. This whole thing really tears my heart in two! I appreciate all of your words!





Edited by purplestar (03/13/09 01:43 PM)

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#279344 - 03/13/09 01:22 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i am going to transfer this topic to the family and friends forum.

because its subject matter it seems better suited there rather than the open forum.

thanks!

ron



Edited by Sans Logos (03/13/09 10:26 PM)
Edit Reason: i'm learning....
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279396 - 03/14/09 12:55 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
Olive Oil Offline


Registered: 02/09/09
Posts: 20
As a mother of a child who was abused in this way...turn your help, love, compassion, sympathy and every single bit of your attention to your child. You cannot help an adult pedophile and despite his past, he is accountable and wholly responsible for himself and his actions. His story is sad, as I am sure most of their stories are, but your child is the little person you can do something about. You may love this man, but he did not love you if he abused your child in this way, and indeed, considering his past it would be questionable whether he could experience love. And no matter how much you love him, you cannot fix him.

Get your child the best help you can, keep her abuser far away from her and away from your lives and build a shelter around her to keep her safe. I don't know if you realize it fully but SHE will have a lifetime of struggling with this, no matter how good the counseling is, it will likely be an issue throughout her life... and she is the one who needs your help. Not him.


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#279398 - 03/14/09 01:10 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Olive Oil]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Purple,

You are right your boyfriend needs help. So he should seek it.

But being a parent your responsiblies lay with protecting your child. #1 This means keeping him away from her permantly.
You need to be there for her and not him.
He made his choice when he chose to violate your daughter.
What will yours be? Him or her?
It can't be both!

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#279402 - 03/14/09 01:48 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: michael banks]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Purple,

My thoughts lie similarly to those of the rest of the posters. Your priorities should be seeing that your daughter gets professional intervention now. Statistics indicate unequivocally that if a child receives the counseling he/she needs when traumatized in this way the impact of the abuse later in life is minimized greatly.

I'd like to add that it might be good if you could also see a counselor. While I commend your actions in taking the steps you have it seems to me you may be focusing a lot of energy on him. You've received a very difficult blow. I'm sure the loss of your friend and lover hurts you very deeply on top of the anger about what he did. The counselor will help you sort all this out much better than any of us can. He'll help you see the importance of many things that you currently may not even know are issues. Try it out and see how it goes?

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#279428 - 03/14/09 11:47 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
I'm having a very hard time with this post. I am very very angry at people in general because of abuse issues. Abuse has ruined my current marriage and any compassion I may have ever had for abusers.

That being said, I concur with everyone here, even maybe more so, that your first and only responsibility is to your children. Boyfriends come and go. It is sad to think you're stuck with this one because you have a child together and can never have the type of relationship with a good man that a child needs to emulate.

Do not worry so much about this person. You say you hired a good lawyer then anything you have to say to your ex-boyfriend can go through the lawyer. Let the lawyer know his psychological problems. And if you can't have any contact with the person in jail, how do you know he's not getting help?

I have compassion for people but to think of a little five year old girl (or boy) being neglected and abused by her mother who defends a monster because 'oh, no one else cares or loves him' just really makes me feel anger.

You got him a lawyer, the lawyer knows what to do. Do what's right and that is take care of the children. When they are eighteen, find any kind of boyfriend you want but until then, you have to do the right thing for the kids. Show them that you love them and that that love means something and that they do not come in last with their mother. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen. Bad ones are even more abundant.


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#279431 - 03/14/09 12:12 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: ChristineTrying]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Maybe I'm just really mistakened here. I did everything right FOR MY DAUGHTER. I have obviously raised her right and strong enough to come and tell me in the first place. I believed in her as soon as she told me. I did not deny her like alot of other parents would of done and tell her to never speak of it again. I am getting her help and explained fully to her how this was in no way her fault. He is not around her period nor would he ever be unless he graduates his treatment, if thats what they give him, and the therapist thinks it would be okay for them to join into a therapy together. Can somebody please expalin to me how I am not being there for my daughter?
My intentions were not to anger or upset anyone and if that is what it is doing, maybe it be best for me to delete it. Maybe I just see that cahnce of hope in some people that others would rather not exist. Would it of made more of a difference if we were married? Maybe people are just taking it as oh he was just her boyfriend anyways so move on. He is also the father of my other child. Are you people telling me that if it was a parent that abused you and you had the chance to get help together and have a shot at a society normal life, you wouldn't take it? Maybe I just think differently than others, Sorry!


Just wanted to add that I do understand everyones point of view about he couldn't love me doing this to my child. Believe me I have fought with myself over that question alot. That he will have to answer to me on someday along with many other questions I have. I don't know how anything will turn out. I may never be able to look at him in the eyes again, I don't know! I know every person is different and every person's mind thinks unlike anothers. Only a pychologist speciallizing in this can dig into his mind and find the answers. Thay are the only one's that can say if he is a danger or if he is one of them that can be saved. It's not anyone else's place to judge and say that all these people are a lost cause unless your trained in this area, which I am not.



Edited by purplestar (03/14/09 02:00 PM)
Edit Reason: My mind won't quit running

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#279439 - 03/14/09 12:58 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: purplestar
Thanks Sans Logos, yeah I replied to Joel above as well on that. Thanks for your advice as well. My daughter is my number one and she is doing really good right now. She is being her normal happy self, but I am going to have her evaluated to see if counseling is needed at this time or not.


Hello Purplestar, I've had the moderation period to think about my response, since my bad day yesterday might have affected my post to you.

Yes you are a good mother already, and as far as I'm concerned, an even better stepmum to contact the other daughter's Mum as well and make sure she was all right. That's why I've quoted one of your later posts that sums up your situation for me (unless I have that wrong). I certainly envy not having had the environment where I could at least have said that something happened and had a parental response to it, whether good bad or indifferent. Thankfully the 80s are gone forever.

I think simply, that no-one responding to your original post loves him like you do. I could post about this for another 24 hours but you come across like you love your boyfriend. End of story. So a rant would be pointless.

The only suggestion I can make would be, since you've built this open and trusting relationship with your daughter, to ask her whether she still wants to see her father if they do in fact let him out for treatment before she's a legal adult, and let her answer inform, if not influence, your ultimate decision (the other mother has her own decision to make).

Jail time is most likely, I think the state stepping in is something you can't change and has to be left separate since the whole case could take 1yr+ to get to trial and it's in a judge's future hands now.

Best of luck in making your future decisions, and please don't delete the thread, you can't have been the only family member to have had to deal with this, in my view it would be helpful for other newcomers to see.



Edited by ComicBookGuy (03/14/09 12:58 PM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#279442 - 03/14/09 01:48 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
purplestar,

please try to remain strong and calm as you bear the weight of this dialogue, and try to understand that the first [ and perfectly understandable ] reaction that people will have to reading your story, is to want to burn your boyfriend at the stake, because he is in a fact a perpetrator. the people here who are responding have lived and suffered tremendously agonizing lives because someone like him did what he did to them or someone whom they know and love.

you yourself are in a very unique position in that you and your daughter and family are a victim of this terrible happenstance yourselves, but also, because you are sympathetic to the plight of this man, it casts a foreboding shadow on you, and may make it difficult to distinguish between the issue of your daughter's victimization, and your loyalty to him.

so don't take it too harshly if people focus more on the fact of your husband's evil behavior. for those who hear about him, and especially those who have been the victim in their lives of perpetrator behavior, he will be a marked man. but you on the other hand know him in a sense as none of us ever will. you have a different perspective of him, and somehow seem capable of separating his behavior, what he did, from who he is.

it is hard for people here who have been tarred and feathered for life by similar acts of victimization, to share in your compassion for this man.

truly, i understand your plight. he is someone's son. a person with the wants and needs that all humans share, but what he did is despicable.

just please keep in mind that most people here have not yet reconciled themselves, nor may they ever, with the effects of their's or their loved one's sexual abuse. most people are righteously angry still, and the thought of expressing tenderhearted feelings toward a perp may not bode well with most. and many people may not understand the logic that as long as he passes a battery of tests, that he will he safe again. our boundaries, the most special and sacred, have been breached and no amount of scientific testing could ever mend the cleavage that separates 'us' from 'them'.

i am sure you can understand this position. you are to be commended for your quick action regarding your daughter's safety and well-being. you are a good mother. i believe what most people here are saying is don't be too quick to allow him back into your lives, if that day ever comes.

i also have to commend everyone for using respectful restraint as you have attempted to process this incredibly complex story.

it is a paean to male survivor that every type of heart has a place here at the table of healing and recovery, even those who challenge those of us who would derive a great deal of satisfaction from putting our hands around the necks of every person who ever deflowered another in such a sinister manner.

please do not delete this story. let it stand as a witness to us of ourselves and what we feel and believe in the deepest recesses of our own anguished spirits. we need to know who we are and where we stand in our relation to this great great evil, for good or ill, in all of its many perspectives.

these are my thoughts, as another survivor, on the matter at hand,

hoping for you the peace the world cannot give,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279444 - 03/14/09 02:25 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Purplestar,

Please do not delete this post, it may help others in the future.

I don't really have anything to add to what the others had said, but would really urge you to dig deep and analyise why you would be defensive of your boyfriend, its concerns me that you are even considering reuniting your child with her abuser "if" he graduates a "program".

You may have read that new programs can "help", but you must accept that the current general opinion is that abusers do not "get better" but are simply taught techniques to avoid situations where they may abuse.

I haven't the time to quote various sources to you but in my opinion, abusers do not get better and should be removed from society.

Why would I have this opinion?, well because I have watched the devastation.

My husband is an abuse survivor, he is a hero, my heart bleeds when I know what he has experienced as a child, it's never right,

if (and I am in no way implying that survivors of CSA become abusers) he abused a child I would personally throw away the key to his cell.

Why would I do this? because the man which I love wouldn't exist.

Please protect your daughter, it will never, in my opinion, be appropriate for him to have access to her.

Please seek help for yourself, his problems are too big to be fixed by you.

Sending love to you and your daughter.

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#279446 - 03/14/09 03:08 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:53 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#279452 - 03/14/09 04:47 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303
Purplstar,

I"m so sorry about all this.

In my opinion, your daughter should be number one.

And in continuing to support you boyfriend, you risk making her feel like what's happened to her isn't a HUGE thing.

I know you also feel compassion for your boyfriend, but how would your REALLY feel if you also found out that his mother knew what happened, and rather than stopping everything to help HIM, she expended a lot of emotional energy in also helping whoever abused him?

It just seems to me that you need to at least take some time off from your bf's issues and focus on your daughter.

There's tons of time to once again turn your attention back to your bf is you want at some other point.

Take care,
Katie


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#279459 - 03/14/09 06:31 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Kathryn]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I was raped at gunpoint hitchhiking at 18, the last of 22 separate incidents of molestation and rape that spanned my life between age 5 and 18, at the hands of 11 different perps. And I know for a fact that recovery is possible because I have lived it for the last 12 years, the last 9 & 1/2 years being the best years of my life. Like Joel I am 51, born in 1957. I do not have any particular fears keeping me down on the farm, and enjoy driving a semi to inner-city Chicago and NYC and mingling with the locals. But I let-go of my hatred many years ago and moved ahead with my life without my past.

Here in Colorado there is a correctional department program for sexual offenders that has had some success. Of course, not every offender is cured. But there has been some success. Now I might agree with Kathryn that your daughter has to come first. Even if the State makes some kind of deal with your boyfriend, he would need to be on a very short leash when it comes to your daughter. There are several inpatient programs that he could attend. Prescott House in Prescott, AZ is fairly inexpensive as inpatient CSA programs go. Perhaps after your boyfriend has some success in a program like theirs you might reconsider, but your daughter's issues have to come first.

So there is hope for recovery, but it can be a long road. And there will always be nay-sayers at every step of the way.

Just have to learn to apply selective listening and shut-out people who aren't helpful.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#279460 - 03/14/09 06:33 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Kathryn]
Tadd Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 30
purplestar,

I don't usually say too much myself but felt I also needed to add something here as well.

It seems that you've become a member here in search of a fight or something more for your boyfriend for his past abuse issues. However I feel it's more fitting that your membership here is not for that now but for your daughters new abuse issues.

All of us that are survivors are also responsible in life for the same acts and crimes that any other person is responsible for. I am the father of 3 children myself but if I had in someway acted out with one of them, I would expect no, demand that they would make me accountable for my actions to them. It's called the thing of being an adult no matter what our past is or was.

I've read all of the posts and you seem now to be kind of getting upset with some of the answers in them, sometimes when asking for advice you also need to understand that you won't always get to see or read what you're hoping to hear.

No one doubts that being a good mother, you trained your daughter to come with you with this kind of thing but you also made a statement concerning his other child as well....there are some children that when traumatised that won't come forth, no matter how much they've been taught to do so. I'm sure there are many here that also can attest to this.

You also equated drug addicts and others as such to being able to get the help they need to be cured with being a survivor of abuse.....two whole different worlds there sorry to say! There is no course or magic pill if it were that can be popped and everything is cured especially in abuse and survivor issues.

As someone already has stated, you should be telling his lawyer about your concerns about his past and his maybe present mental health so that when he comes to trial over this his attorney might suggest to the courts that he also get care he needs during any sentencing for this further.

And I mean no offense but when you said what sturdy stock you and your daughter are and she will get through this....you actually played down what was done to her. How do you or could you or anyone else for that matter possibly know what may or maynot transpire for her in her future? She may actually one day experience PTSD when she's older...you don't know this yet, no one does.

You've mentioned getting help and seem more to be on a crusade to help your boyfriend out then anything else which is how I'm sure some of the others are also perceiving this as well and you're not liking some of the answers for whatever reasons you may have.

No one here is trying to pick on you at all....but the help you really are needing at this time is for your daughter but guess what? it's also for yourself because now you're also a victim. I'd suggest that you also get some Therapy with this issue as well and not just your daughter.

This isn't a world of let's go get help now and kiss and make up....you're boyfriend already knew about his own past but didn't choose as being an adult to seek out help himself prior to all of this. If he could talk to you about these issues he can talk to a Therapist, we all have some sort of trust issues each for our own reasons. Even with all of these issues we've sought after help and guidance no matter how much it may pain us to do so.

He crossed the line now and must take what, just like the rest of us would in a similar situation, the consequences to come may be.

You also need to remember still another thing, in some states, if he becomes a convicted felon over this and you permit contact with the minor children again the court can also take the children away from you whether abused or not abused. I'm just saying this to give you something more to think about is all.

I'm sorry if any of what I've said may in some way upset or offended you, it wasn't meant to do that in any certain terms.

Garrison


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#279479 - 03/14/09 09:25 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
It was not my intention to make you want to leave this site. I'm sure there is a lot of good information for you on it.

I myself have not found help on this site and therefore I am leaving.

I understand you've done the best for your daughter. I just want you to remember that when he gets out of jail and wants back in your life. He is your ex-boyfriend and although one of your kids is his child, it doesn't give him the right to abuse them. I don't care what happened in a person's childhood to mess them up. He will get help if you can be strong enough to let the system work and keep your kids away from him.


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#279493 - 03/15/09 12:01 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: ChristineTrying]
Tadd Offline


Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 30
ChristineTrying,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are leaving us and couldn't find what you needed here at this site.

I wish I had the time to have gotten to know you, I'm really sorry again to hear your decision.

Garrison


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#279504 - 03/15/09 03:06 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ron,

I don't think anyone wants to burn him at the stake.
I know I wish him the best in his recovery process and even maybe i will chat with him at M/S soon.
But the child's welfare must come first PERIOD!!!
All other issues are immaterial in comparsion.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#279524 - 03/15/09 12:06 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: michael banks]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Purplestar,

I have to say right off the bat I don't have any answers for you. I just sympathize with your struggle. I work in the legal system and I've seen parents struggle with something similiar - loving their child that has perpetrated on a sibling. It's an impossible position to be in - it's not as if they can just choose to stop loving either child but they have to make choices for what is in everyone's best interests and often that means separating the children, sometimes through the remainder of their childhoods. I understand it's not exactly like your situation but the struggle/conflicts/turmoil is similar.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#279569 - 03/15/09 02:50 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Survivinguy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Purple,

I commend your actions taken in defense of your daughter. certainly no judgment is implied by myself, but the bottom line here is that by your own admission there's nothing you can do for the BF because you're not allowed contact.

That being the case it's time to focus on the five year old and yourself. See a counselor on how to work out the painful issues of your relationship with the BF. You stated yourself you're not qualified to determine these things about him so consult with a professional who knows this territory and can help you walk this incredibly difficult path.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#281064 - 03/27/09 04:31 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Purple,

Sorry about the delay in replying to your post. I hope you get this.

I think it's very important that you accept you are NOT responsible for the fate of your boyfriend. I for one believe you put your self and your children (even his) first. I accept that your feelings for him are genuine and appropriate despite the criticism of others in this forum. I for one RARELY post here because I do not feel it is a safe environment. I hope others will dwell on that statement before criticizing the remainder of my post here.

You asked how to help him. I will tell you from experience that you have already done so. Yes seeing him incarcerated is painful and seems the antithesis of help. It does not have to be so.

First, the restraining order is negotiable! Talk to the judge who issued it and have it amended (not revoked) to allow limited contact.

When you do get to communicate with him, be clear that his fate is out of your hands. You did what you needed to do for Everyone's sake even though it did not turn out as you hoped.

Encourage him to enter therapy. There are very caring and talented therapists inside but he will have to work hard to gain access to them. There is real hope for healing for him! Do not be surprised to find that there are other inmates will support him on his journey. However, he should remember that he is now among the worst abusers and should be safe first! All those survival tactics learned as a child will be needed for a little while longer.

Work with your therapist, the children's therapists and his therapists on a plan for the future. That plan will and should include a great deal of 'tough love'. That plan is negotiable! At any time, you, he, and the children may and should be encouraged to re-negotiate what it looks like. That plan should clearly state that anyone may take a time out from contact with anyone with no reprocussions. Yes, even the children should be able to take a time out from you. For that to work you will need to make arrangements in advance. Consider your soon to be tween daughter being able to say, "I need a time out. I want to stay with Grandma for the weekend!".

Be prepared to support long distance relationships. When he gets out there should be no problem of his NOT coming to live with you for an indefinite amount of time. That could be for months or until the kids are grown or somewhere in between.

Develop a plan that allows him to parent the child you share "From a Distance"! The power holder in that plan should be the child. I realize this is unrealistic, you the his therapist will need to moderate that plan until the child is capable of taking full responsibility for the relationship.

Above all, Persist in seeking help and feedback from people YOU trust. If you don't find it, seek elsewhere but do not stop seeking it.

Thomas


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#281126 - 03/28/09 12:26 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: jerunamuck]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thomas,
Thank you for the support. I become to realize I actually get to help more than anticipated. A lot of people are in agreeance with me. We are only allowed to write each other with very close monitoring at this point, but it's a start. My daughter as already started counseling and they feel she is doing great enough at this point that only 1-2 more play therapies would be needed just to ensure. I have no intentions of him coming back into the house in the near future at all at this point. I would need to be in counseling myself to get over the betrayal aspect of it all. I've just been real stressed being a single mother of 3 raising on my own and no longer having his income but still having both mine and his bills to pay for on my own now. And I still must help his mother because she has no other family around neither and even though I feel her upraising of him played a big part, she is now to old to understand and is lost. Thanks agian to all of those who were supportive!



Edited by purplestar (03/28/09 05:32 PM)

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#281178 - 03/28/09 01:33 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Seasalt Offline


Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 15
Loc: Scandinavia
Purple,

When my sister was about 12, a man that helped us in the garden imposed himslef on her. He "just" put his hands on her breasts from behind and kissed her on the neck. My sister told my mother about this. The response from my mother, with the best of intentions, was for my sister to understand he was not a bad man. He had issues, was an alcoholic, and all kind of excuses. She did though take full distance from this man, and he was never allowed back to our closness. Later we have learnt that my mother said all of those things so that my sister would not be afraid of men in the future. With best of intentions, I understand, but devastating effects for my sister. It took her years to trust a man. To trust anybody.

How could she develop a true and honest relationship with a man if she had to understand all the bad things. Accept them, becuase he was a victim, of what ever circumstances. It doesn't allow clarity in a relationship, a clarity of boundaries, and without this clarity she did not embark on her first relationship untill she was 26.

What ever you chose, please make sure that what ever happens, your daughter understands, that for all of the reasons that someone does something, does not mean she has to accept it.

I strongly recommend you see the movie Dogville. It is a looong film, but truely worth it till the end. The last 10 minutes dialogue holds wisdom. You need to build up with the whole film though, to make those 10 minutes enlightening.

I wish you strength.

Seasalt


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