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#279339 - 03/13/09 12:16 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:56 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
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#279343 - 03/13/09 01:00 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Joel

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/sexual_abuse.htm#sa1

http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/tell_others_the_facts.html

http://www.oncefallen.com/Recidivism101.html

Your article is from 2002, there has been so much more advanced study since then. Again I am not her to debate or anything, I simpliy just wanted some advice. If I have posted this on a forum where it was not exactly the correct place, then please let me know and I shall walk away quietly. I just noticed on some of the other post here that some people had the feeling of becoming an abuser and may see where I am coming from. I have also said that in no way am I downplaying what he did, I just feel it stems from something further in his head that he never got the proper help for and it has now overpowered him. He is still a victim as well as the abuser. This whole thing really tears my heart in two! I appreciate all of your words!





Edited by purplestar (03/13/09 01:43 PM)

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#279344 - 03/13/09 01:22 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i am going to transfer this topic to the family and friends forum.

because its subject matter it seems better suited there rather than the open forum.

thanks!

ron



Edited by Sans Logos (03/13/09 10:26 PM)
Edit Reason: i'm learning....
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  2. ReClaiming Now
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#279396 - 03/14/09 12:55 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
Olive Oil Offline


Registered: 02/09/09
Posts: 20
As a mother of a child who was abused in this way...turn your help, love, compassion, sympathy and every single bit of your attention to your child. You cannot help an adult pedophile and despite his past, he is accountable and wholly responsible for himself and his actions. His story is sad, as I am sure most of their stories are, but your child is the little person you can do something about. You may love this man, but he did not love you if he abused your child in this way, and indeed, considering his past it would be questionable whether he could experience love. And no matter how much you love him, you cannot fix him.

Get your child the best help you can, keep her abuser far away from her and away from your lives and build a shelter around her to keep her safe. I don't know if you realize it fully but SHE will have a lifetime of struggling with this, no matter how good the counseling is, it will likely be an issue throughout her life... and she is the one who needs your help. Not him.


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#279398 - 03/14/09 01:10 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Olive Oil]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Purple,

You are right your boyfriend needs help. So he should seek it.

But being a parent your responsiblies lay with protecting your child. #1 This means keeping him away from her permantly.
You need to be there for her and not him.
He made his choice when he chose to violate your daughter.
What will yours be? Him or her?
It can't be both!

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#279402 - 03/14/09 01:48 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: michael banks]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Purple,

My thoughts lie similarly to those of the rest of the posters. Your priorities should be seeing that your daughter gets professional intervention now. Statistics indicate unequivocally that if a child receives the counseling he/she needs when traumatized in this way the impact of the abuse later in life is minimized greatly.

I'd like to add that it might be good if you could also see a counselor. While I commend your actions in taking the steps you have it seems to me you may be focusing a lot of energy on him. You've received a very difficult blow. I'm sure the loss of your friend and lover hurts you very deeply on top of the anger about what he did. The counselor will help you sort all this out much better than any of us can. He'll help you see the importance of many things that you currently may not even know are issues. Try it out and see how it goes?

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#279428 - 03/14/09 11:47 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
I'm having a very hard time with this post. I am very very angry at people in general because of abuse issues. Abuse has ruined my current marriage and any compassion I may have ever had for abusers.

That being said, I concur with everyone here, even maybe more so, that your first and only responsibility is to your children. Boyfriends come and go. It is sad to think you're stuck with this one because you have a child together and can never have the type of relationship with a good man that a child needs to emulate.

Do not worry so much about this person. You say you hired a good lawyer then anything you have to say to your ex-boyfriend can go through the lawyer. Let the lawyer know his psychological problems. And if you can't have any contact with the person in jail, how do you know he's not getting help?

I have compassion for people but to think of a little five year old girl (or boy) being neglected and abused by her mother who defends a monster because 'oh, no one else cares or loves him' just really makes me feel anger.

You got him a lawyer, the lawyer knows what to do. Do what's right and that is take care of the children. When they are eighteen, find any kind of boyfriend you want but until then, you have to do the right thing for the kids. Show them that you love them and that that love means something and that they do not come in last with their mother. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen. Bad ones are even more abundant.


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#279431 - 03/14/09 12:12 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: ChristineTrying]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Maybe I'm just really mistakened here. I did everything right FOR MY DAUGHTER. I have obviously raised her right and strong enough to come and tell me in the first place. I believed in her as soon as she told me. I did not deny her like alot of other parents would of done and tell her to never speak of it again. I am getting her help and explained fully to her how this was in no way her fault. He is not around her period nor would he ever be unless he graduates his treatment, if thats what they give him, and the therapist thinks it would be okay for them to join into a therapy together. Can somebody please expalin to me how I am not being there for my daughter?
My intentions were not to anger or upset anyone and if that is what it is doing, maybe it be best for me to delete it. Maybe I just see that cahnce of hope in some people that others would rather not exist. Would it of made more of a difference if we were married? Maybe people are just taking it as oh he was just her boyfriend anyways so move on. He is also the father of my other child. Are you people telling me that if it was a parent that abused you and you had the chance to get help together and have a shot at a society normal life, you wouldn't take it? Maybe I just think differently than others, Sorry!


Just wanted to add that I do understand everyones point of view about he couldn't love me doing this to my child. Believe me I have fought with myself over that question alot. That he will have to answer to me on someday along with many other questions I have. I don't know how anything will turn out. I may never be able to look at him in the eyes again, I don't know! I know every person is different and every person's mind thinks unlike anothers. Only a pychologist speciallizing in this can dig into his mind and find the answers. Thay are the only one's that can say if he is a danger or if he is one of them that can be saved. It's not anyone else's place to judge and say that all these people are a lost cause unless your trained in this area, which I am not.



Edited by purplestar (03/14/09 02:00 PM)
Edit Reason: My mind won't quit running

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#279439 - 03/14/09 12:58 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: purplestar
Thanks Sans Logos, yeah I replied to Joel above as well on that. Thanks for your advice as well. My daughter is my number one and she is doing really good right now. She is being her normal happy self, but I am going to have her evaluated to see if counseling is needed at this time or not.


Hello Purplestar, I've had the moderation period to think about my response, since my bad day yesterday might have affected my post to you.

Yes you are a good mother already, and as far as I'm concerned, an even better stepmum to contact the other daughter's Mum as well and make sure she was all right. That's why I've quoted one of your later posts that sums up your situation for me (unless I have that wrong). I certainly envy not having had the environment where I could at least have said that something happened and had a parental response to it, whether good bad or indifferent. Thankfully the 80s are gone forever.

I think simply, that no-one responding to your original post loves him like you do. I could post about this for another 24 hours but you come across like you love your boyfriend. End of story. So a rant would be pointless.

The only suggestion I can make would be, since you've built this open and trusting relationship with your daughter, to ask her whether she still wants to see her father if they do in fact let him out for treatment before she's a legal adult, and let her answer inform, if not influence, your ultimate decision (the other mother has her own decision to make).

Jail time is most likely, I think the state stepping in is something you can't change and has to be left separate since the whole case could take 1yr+ to get to trial and it's in a judge's future hands now.

Best of luck in making your future decisions, and please don't delete the thread, you can't have been the only family member to have had to deal with this, in my view it would be helpful for other newcomers to see.



Edited by ComicBookGuy (03/14/09 12:58 PM)
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#279442 - 03/14/09 01:48 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
purplestar,

please try to remain strong and calm as you bear the weight of this dialogue, and try to understand that the first [ and perfectly understandable ] reaction that people will have to reading your story, is to want to burn your boyfriend at the stake, because he is in a fact a perpetrator. the people here who are responding have lived and suffered tremendously agonizing lives because someone like him did what he did to them or someone whom they know and love.

you yourself are in a very unique position in that you and your daughter and family are a victim of this terrible happenstance yourselves, but also, because you are sympathetic to the plight of this man, it casts a foreboding shadow on you, and may make it difficult to distinguish between the issue of your daughter's victimization, and your loyalty to him.

so don't take it too harshly if people focus more on the fact of your husband's evil behavior. for those who hear about him, and especially those who have been the victim in their lives of perpetrator behavior, he will be a marked man. but you on the other hand know him in a sense as none of us ever will. you have a different perspective of him, and somehow seem capable of separating his behavior, what he did, from who he is.

it is hard for people here who have been tarred and feathered for life by similar acts of victimization, to share in your compassion for this man.

truly, i understand your plight. he is someone's son. a person with the wants and needs that all humans share, but what he did is despicable.

just please keep in mind that most people here have not yet reconciled themselves, nor may they ever, with the effects of their's or their loved one's sexual abuse. most people are righteously angry still, and the thought of expressing tenderhearted feelings toward a perp may not bode well with most. and many people may not understand the logic that as long as he passes a battery of tests, that he will he safe again. our boundaries, the most special and sacred, have been breached and no amount of scientific testing could ever mend the cleavage that separates 'us' from 'them'.

i am sure you can understand this position. you are to be commended for your quick action regarding your daughter's safety and well-being. you are a good mother. i believe what most people here are saying is don't be too quick to allow him back into your lives, if that day ever comes.

i also have to commend everyone for using respectful restraint as you have attempted to process this incredibly complex story.

it is a paean to male survivor that every type of heart has a place here at the table of healing and recovery, even those who challenge those of us who would derive a great deal of satisfaction from putting our hands around the necks of every person who ever deflowered another in such a sinister manner.

please do not delete this story. let it stand as a witness to us of ourselves and what we feel and believe in the deepest recesses of our own anguished spirits. we need to know who we are and where we stand in our relation to this great great evil, for good or ill, in all of its many perspectives.

these are my thoughts, as another survivor, on the matter at hand,

hoping for you the peace the world cannot give,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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