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#279245 - 03/12/09 08:22 PM Need Help For Boyfriend
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
This is my first post and I hope you guys might be able to help me in my current situation. Here it goes..... I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have one child in common. I know my boyfriend had an extremely abusive (I mean sexually,physical, and mental)childhood. The abuse mainly came from his older brother. His brother did alot of very bad things to him. Some examples are choking him til he would pass out; throwing him into concrete walls and knocking him unconcious; sexually abusing him; etc.. My boyfriend's father was bed ridden from the time he was born and passed away when he was around the age of 20, so he never really had a father. His mother is Japanese and does not speak english very much. His mother never showed my boyfriend any love growing up and always favored the older brother, which is not uncommon among asian traditions to favor the first born son. The mother was aware of the physical abuse, but never did anything. He tried telling his mother of the sexual abuse, but she did not believe him.
Then around the age of 18 my boyfriend's brother hit him in the head with a hammer for not making him breakfast and my boyfriend finally flipped on him and went after him with a knife. The cops came and even though no one was hurt, the state picked up the charges and had him sent to a mental hospital. He never revealed to anyone of the sexual abuse at the hospital, probably because he already felt betrayed and that there was no one he could trust. He is 33 now and I know his past still bothers him, but never has gotten nor asked for help. I know it's because of the trust issue because he feels like everyone in his life has betrayed him, especially his family. He still speaks to his brother occasionally and his brother always acts as if nothing ever happened. He still feels like he must honor his mother even though she never helped him because now she is just to old to even understand and that is the last of his family. Forgot to mention that is brother is clinically diagnosed schizophrenic.
Now on to the present. I know my boyfriend because of his past had turned to drugs in the past. I think it was more of a self medicating thing. When my boyfriend and I became involved, I showed him love he never knew existed. We have been through so much together in the short time we have been together, but I never turned my back on him. He has told me he has loved me more than he has ever loved anyone. It has not been easy because he does have alot of trust issues as well as other issues.
Here is the current situation I need help in as if that all wasn't enough. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, plus the child my boyfriend and I have. My 5 year old daughter recently came to me and told me that my boyfriend had been sexually abusing her for awhile. She never lies or makes things up so I knew she was telling the truth. I immediately called him and he denied it, but I could not take the chance. I put all his clothes in bags outside and never allowed him back into the house at all. he kept denying it for days until like 2 days after I kicked him out. He called that morning begging me to speak with him. I finally got him to admit that yes he had done it and he didn't know why. He kept saying he was not attracted to little girls and he didn't know what was wrong with him and he wanted to kill himself. I calmed him down and told him I wouldget him help. I called hotlines to see what I needed to do and they all said I have to report the abuse or it would come back on me and I needed him to go to th ER and tell them he is suicidal. His mother took him to the ER and while he was there, I called the police to report the abuse. To make this already long stroy short, they went to the hospital and arrested him immediatly, before he even got a chance to speak with a psychiatrist. The police were aware he was suicidal because I had told them. I tol the police I did not want to press charges because I wanted to get him help, but the state picked up the charges. I am getting my daughter help and will help her through all of this.
He has been in jail for 3 weeks now and I know he is dying on the inside there. No one will help him. The cops didn't even tell the jailers that he was suicidal. The state is trying to put him in jail for life because of the Jessica's Law and past drug conviction and I want help not jail for him. He has no body right now and the judge ordered the no contact so I can't even speak with him. I did get him a good lawyer, but what else can I do? He hasn't even been evaluated yet. I put about his past in my police report and told them this is someone that needs help. I do want to make sure that everyone understands in NO WAY am I justifying or downplaying what he did to my daughter in any way. My heart is torn. I hate that he did this, but I feel it is his past over powering him and thats why he did it. I want him to go through treatment and my daughter through therapy and hopefully maybe they can go togther when they are each ready and address this together.
If anyone one has any advice on what more I can do for him, I am listening. Sorry this was so long, but had to get out bthe details.


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#279278 - 03/12/09 11:36 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
purplestar , first please know how amazing you are, protecting your child, stil caring compassionately for you bf and working towards everyones' recovery. th legal system will be a trickbut you totally had to do that.

i'm falling asleep and may write more later, but you're so profoundly wise here. and going through a lot. i hope you can get therapeutic support you need through this. Taking care of yourself i suspect you know already, is the most important thing you can do for the. ok gotta say good night. All Hope and Healing to you, An


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#279287 - 03/13/09 12:52 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: An]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
purplestar

I was abused by my Father, sexual abuse by a trusting family member was devstating to me I just barely kept myself sane working through all the issues. But another aspect to this tradgedy for me was that later in life I found out my mother knew this about my father, (he abused someone else before me) and it so sickened her that she would not sleep with him -- she made me sleep with him.. I pitied my father because he was sick -- I was deeply hurt by my mother becuase of her selfishness.
bottom line ------- Your primary purpose in this life is to love and protect the children god has given you.They still have alot of growing up to do, and there will be much they have to work through. Don't let misdirected compassion sway you from your ultimate duty. Thats my advice for all it's worth.
May God grant you courage and peace
Tony

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#279323 - 03/13/09 10:07 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: tony2c]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thanks An for the comforting words. It just baffles me that there is no way for someone who has done something and wants to get help for it to get that help without convicting themselves. To me you don't save a child by locking all these people up, but you save a child by making that person understand what they have done to the child and help them in any way to prevent it from ever happening. That's how you save a child.

Study even shows that these people, once caught and get the treatment they need, have one of the lowest reoffending rates. Majority of these people really do want to stop abusing the child ,or whom it may be, but how can they do that once they have already started. They obviously can't just come out and say it because the state will back you in a corner like they did us and make you convict yourself. I can see if he still denied it, then maybe jail would give him the time to think about it, but he has owned up to it and takes responsibility and really wants help. Who knows, maybe I am in denial that a person I loved and trusted so much could do this.
I look at it at this aspect. I feel with these people that abuse others, it is about the control of the victim as well as an addiction to the abuse. These people become addicted to the feeling of power they have over their victim. They know it's wrong, but they are not strong enough to stop without help. Now look at people addicted to drugs. Same thing, they are addicted to the drug and know it's wrong and illegal, but are not strong enough to overpower that "needing it" feeling. Now these people have the option to go to a rehab program and not convict themselves and get praise for stepping up and taking control of their life back. Why do we not offer the same things for sex offenders?
Now my boyfriend is sitting in a jail cell not really understanding why he did what he did and is slowly dying inside because the state would rather turn their back and let him wither away in his thoughts of why. That is human cruelty to me. This is someone I know has a good christian heart and is just lost right now. He has been overpowered by his past demons and is now suffering for his childhood once again.


Tony2C, I'm sorry you went through what you did. Believe me that that is my ultimate duty in life to protect my children and make them be they best they can be and overcome the tragedies they may occur in life. Unfortunately we can't protect them from everything because you really don't know who you can trust any more these days. I must of done something right being my child was strong enough to come and tell me. I did the right thing by completely believing her and not denying it like most families would do. My daughter will get through this because she has me by her side and we are built strong.
Let me ask you this though, what if someone would of gotten your father help and made him realize the damage he was doing to you and gave you both that shot of having a normal father-child realationship, would you have takin that help? Thats where I am. My boyfriend and I do have a child together and I am just trying to save her father as well as my other daughter. I am just holding on to that hope that someday we may be able to live as a society defined normal family and overcome this tragedy as one. I appreciate both of your words and God bless you as well.



Edited by purplestar (03/13/09 10:41 AM)

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#279324 - 03/13/09 10:29 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
purplestar, my heart wrenches for you. you obviously have some deep deep feelings and compassion for this person and god knows he needs it now more than ever.

you did the right thing by reporting the abuse, but now it is equally important to accept the consequences of your actions. you did what you did to protect your daughter, and admirably so, because now she can start to get the attention she needs at the very earliest stages of the tragic experience of sexual abuse.

the most important thing is that you focus on her recovery needs, and give support to your boyfriend, but also realize that the course that future events will take is now out of your hands.

let those who handle such things take the reins now, and just continue to give the best supportive presence that you are able from your current position.

i know that in yours is a story of tragic endings, but in every ending there is the seed of hope for a new beginning. your passion and courage is very evident in what you have written here, and i pray your next new chapter will be one that will lead to the highest and best possible for all concerned.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279325 - 03/13/09 10:47 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 12:56 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#279329 - 03/13/09 11:01 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
joelRT, I know there is so much study out there on all different aspects of this type of things and I'm sure some are conflicting. I am new to all this and at the early stages of research, but I do know some studies have shown that although they may not be able to cure the person, they can teach them how to divert and control their feelings. He did not choose me because I have a daughter because he has a daughter of his own that is 6 from a previous relationship and has been part of her life since birth. He had her by himself every weekend before I ever came along and would of had every opportunity if what you say is true to abuse her. He has NEVER done anything to her though. I have been in good contact with his other daughter's mother and she has sat her daughter down and spoke with her and and believes her daughter when she says that her father has never hurt her. She knows and believes her daughter and so do I because this is a very smart little girl and would tell the truth, so no I'm sorry but you study DOES NOT support that he chose me because I had a daughter. Even the other mother believes that this is someone that needs help. I appreciate your input though, but every person is different and does have a different story.


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#279330 - 03/13/09 11:02 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: joelRT]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
but had you not had a daughter to entice him, he would not have entered into a relationship with you.

joel, i'm not sure i can agree with you on that statement, it may be pure conjecture.

well, we can't agree on everything now can we? but that don't mean i don't love you anymore :-)

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#279332 - 03/13/09 11:10 AM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: Sans Logos]
purplestar Offline


Registered: 03/12/09
Posts: 7
Thanks Sans Logos, yeah I replied to Joel above as well on that. Thanks for your advice as well. My daughter is my number one and she is doing really good right now. She is being her normal happy self, but I am going to have her evaluated to see if counseling is needed at this time or not. I am doing my best to try to support him as well, but it's so hard being a no contact order so I have no way to even show him that I am trying to help him as well. Thank you though.


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#279338 - 03/13/09 12:08 PM Re: Need Help For Boyfriend [Re: purplestar]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
purplestar;

My concern in your whole issue is that you are treading in uncertain waters, and as much as you'd like to be able to be there for everyone including the man you love, it's admirable but maybe a little unrealistic. he was "in love" with you when he abused your daughter, and it seems he only fessed up when you put him against the wall.
As is the case with many CSA survivors, we become very protective of children --- most especially when there are predatoratory dangers of CSA lurking around. All I am trying to say if you are going to err, err on the side of caution, on the side of your daughter.
God be with you in this, I will pray for you, you are a special lady.
tony

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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