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#278806 - 03/09/09 05:52 PM Strange Question, may be triggering.
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Alright, this ones kind of weird but I was hoping you guys could maybe shed some light on it.


If you don't know, I was abused for about four years by my male cousin, who was kind of like an older brother/best friend type figure for me. Abuse was at first almost voluntary, I thought I was playing a game. Then when it got worse it became coercive, but never violent. But, because some of the stuff that went on during that, coupled with emotional abuse from my peers (since i was a loner in grade school throughout most of middle school I was frequently called "fag" or something analogous to it) I began to question my sexuality, I believe as young as 12 or 13. But after about one weekend of that I decided that I was most likely strait. After a lot of EMDR and therapy, I know this to be true with 99% certainty.


Here's the thing that gets me. During that time that I was either confused or believed that since I was being told I was gay, I must have been, I did experiment with gay porn on and off. What finally happened about a year ago was that I had a nervous breakdown after smoking pot where I visualized myself being raped and resisting at first, but then giving in to it after this imagined abuser told me "I know you like it, just give up." This resulted in a three day long nervous breakdown and was what got me into therapy.

Throughout that time, I would frequently check gay porn sites to gauge my reactions to them. I was using them to try and figure out where my orientation was. I knew I already liked strait porn, but I thought maybe if I was really into gay porn it would mean that I was actually gay and should change my orientation.

Long story short, did a lot of EMDR, realized that the CSA was really a distracting issue from a boatload of other issues, and since then I found that the amount of questioning has drastically decreased, the amount of checking drastically decreased, and low and behold, I hooked up with two different girls over the past two weeks after a dry spell that lasted a year, and before that a year and a half. On top of that, there's a third girl who I work with who LOVES to tease me sexually (I won't hook up with her yet because I work with her and we live in the same building at school, and I personally think it could get real messy if things went south). This girl can give me an erection by doing nothing more than looking at me a certain way, dead serious. The other night all she did was put her hand a little bit above my knee and BOOM, I'm trying to hide my erection from her.

Despite all this, it seems that I am still compulsively making myself check gay porn on occasion to reassure myself it doesn't do anything for me anymore. I hadn't even thought about doing this again for the past two months, and then about three weeks ago it started again. Of course, when that starts, I start questioning my sexuality again, even though I KNOW I'm heterosexual. This causes me quite a bit of anxiety, and further fuels compulsions that take up time I should be spending studying, etc.

Is there any reason why, even though I'm positive I'm heterosexual, these compulsions still come up? Is it because for so many years in school I was told that I was gay? Is it because I was so severely abused emotionally by my sister, who would tell me to kill myself, kick me in the crotch, or tell me that if I ever got married I would be a horrible abusive wife beater? Or is it because since I even went there in the first place with checking gay porn, my mind makes me believe that I need to check to make sure I don't like it? This one is really confusing the crap out of me, not to mention when this is on my mind it makes it difficult for me to sleep and it makes it really difficult to be with girls 'cause I have to sit there and ask myself all these questions like "Am I really enjoying this?" etc. and so on.


Why, when I know that I'm heterosexual, do I feel compelled to look and think about all this homosexual stuff to prove to my subconscious that I'm not? I KNOW it doesn't do anything for me ever since I addressed the issues it caused me and ever since I addressed my abuse, so why do I have to keep beating the dead horse? And also, why for two months was there absolutely NO inkling or hint of it being around, and then it just decided to arbitrarily show up one day?


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#278809 - 03/09/09 06:31 PM ... [Re: AndyS87]
St3v3n Offline


Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102
...


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#278824 - 03/09/09 08:27 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: St3v3n]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I dunno, maybe just being stressed or tired. I plan on asking my T about it next week when I go in. Difference between then and now is back then I would literally spend hours upon hours, and I would be confused about it for weeks. Today I went through one small site, nothing stirred down yonder, and I was able to carry on my day and not worry about it.


I think a part of this is now that I'm finally feeling well enough socially to get myself back out there in terms of dating, and actually meeting women, just trying to make SURE that I have no attraction to any of that stuff. If I'm gonna be in a relationship, I wanna take it seriously and the last thing I want is for this stuff to interfere. That's just my theory though, could be a lot more to it.


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#278835 - 03/09/09 09:09 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
royjay Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/29/06
Posts: 12
Loc: illinois
I am dealing with the same thing too. It don't make sense but at time, I escape my world then I fell guilty about the gay pron, but then at time i need the escape.
This all started a few years back when a coworker started hitting on me. I was hooked but nothing happen then I started to check my response to gay pron as found it exciting , a strange rush but then the guilty came then I was cold no sex at all. deal with before you enter a relationship because it will not go away.

_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission

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#278838 - 03/09/09 09:29 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: royjay]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
thats the thing, it did go away for a pretty sizeable span of time. It's gone away for six months before, this recent time it went away for a good two months. But both times once I got involved with a girl it was like I had to go make sure. The first time that happened was really really bad, part of what led me to seek counseling. This time around it was there, but the compulsion to check wasn't as bad and the response to it, well there wasn't one, no erection.

As far as way back when I was about 18 (roughly 4 years ago now) there was a period of a year or two where sometimes I did find it exciting. I know a gay dude with OCD who actually talks to people about this because on the forum he's at people with OCD about possibly being gay come to post all the time. He says they frequently watch gay porn to check, and sometimes masturbate to it despite the fact that they aren't gay or homosexual. He says it's because it's taboo, and that things that are sexually forbidden can also be turn ons for a lot of people.

Furthermore, if you have an orgasm while watching a kind of porn or doing something you feel guilty about, that supposedly enhances your orgasm. of course afterward you deal with all the horrible after effects like maybe shame, guilt, or a loss of a sense of self, but that initial orgasm is intensified by the perceived taboo. This can lead to repetition of that behavior, because the old normal run of the mill stuff doesn't do it anymore once a person escalates to stuff that's more and more taboo. Does that make sense? T seems to think that by the summer this will be almost completely out of my system. If I can keep gradually decreasing the compulsions as I have been, I expect they'll eventually go away and won't return. But only the future will tell. Also, gay porn was never an escape. I was curious at first, but then I wanted nothing more to do with it after a certain point. Buy by then, having opened the proverbial pandora's box, I became paranoid about whether or not that actually made me gay, and that started the checking.


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#278847 - 03/09/09 10:54 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
Andy, you are not a vampire. If someone rapes you it doesn't mean you magically turn into some kind of beast.


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#278848 - 03/09/09 11:23 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: Marinan]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Marinan, that made me laugh my ass off. I'm aware of how ridiculous this sounds, and I almost feel bad for posting it because there are people here with much deeper issues. This is just an issue that absolutely perplexes me. I can not make any sense of it.


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#278876 - 03/10/09 08:06 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Marinan
When I relive my being raped it made me feel like a worn out rag.

Nathan


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#278889 - 03/10/09 11:04 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: nathan555]
Marinan Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329
yeah... I feel like that too. Every night. It disgusts me at the same time I feel good. frown


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#278897 - 03/10/09 01:09 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
hi andy

i deal with the same issue, for years now. At times I thought I was over it and didn't think about it. In my case I kind of think that it keeps returning because When I was younger I knew I was different (aren't we all?). The guys I hung out with were all masculine jocks. I was a clutz. They couldn't help me with my secret so I had to turn elsewhere.

I wanted to assert my masculinity, the only reference that I had that played over and over were the Csa instances with my father, and the two best friends I had (they were older by about 4-5 years). They dominated me - that translated to machismo.With gay porn it all looked so "normal" and to the guys who were in it I guess it was. So you can see how I got into the cycle. The guilt for thinking and feeling "gay",the need to become macho, the only reference CSA, the porn seemingly "normal" followed by the guilt for feeling gay.....etc.

This is my particular take on the whole issue of hetero interest in gay porn. It sounds dumb, but it's my answer to my reasoning, to my way of thinking. I just don't panic over it as much as I did. I hope this helps a little.
May God bless you and grant you his peace.

I still to this day am not over it it comes back from time to time - but I learned not to obsess about it.

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#278952 - 03/10/09 09:27 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: tony2c]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
That makes sense Tony. In high school I definitely was not athletic OR a ladies man and that only kinda added an edge to it. I'm working on changing that now though. I'm much more athletic, but only a little bit more of a ladies man. I.E. not much at all but I'm better than I was.


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#279078 - 03/11/09 04:42 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
OK guys this is still driving me up a freakin' wall.


The past two months, as I said earlier, I felt like I had woken up out of a coma. There wasn't a damn thing that could have happened that would have made me question my sexuality. I was happy, and just like that BOOM. Women got more attractive to me again, and I didn't even wonder if I was attracted to men. I would see the pictures and occasionally I would go online to check the porn and see what happened, and there was nothing at all about it. I even tried to think about it and say to myself "go ahead, get yourself really into it, have fun, if you like it, then you like it." Nothing happened. So I reasonably concluded that I wasn't gay, which I still truly believe.

For the first time in a DAMNED long time, I hooked up with a girl. Not just one, but two! Two different weeks in a row. I realized I'm not into the first chick I hooked up with, there was just nothing there. With the second one, there was no chance of a relationship, but she got me a whole hell of a lot more turned on then I can ever remember being, even more so than my ex from a few years ago. There is a third girl who I work with who likes to tease me, and frankly even though it drives me nuts, I love it and want very badly to hook up with her. Problem is we work together and I don't want to make that akward.


But even through all of this, somehow, someway, that damned obsessive questioning came back, the question of "prove to yourself again that you are without a doubt not into men sexually". My heart and body, when I feel firm and convicted in my belief that dudes don't really do it for me, don't have a problem with this. But this time, and I don't know what it was, I felt like something caused me to waiver.

This anxiety has arisen as a result, and when I get anxious I can convince myself of a lot of things, even to the point where I FORCE myself to think about the what if's, I.E. "What if I was in a relationship with another guy? Would I enjoy that?" "What if I had sex with another guy, would I enjoy that?" Questions like those. If you had asked me even two weeks ago, I would have said "no, just not really my cup of tea". But as I sat there forcing myself to think about this, I started reading people's coming out stories. Now I'm thinking "Oh my god, what if thats what I REALLY feel and I haven't acknowledged it? What if I'm secretly in denial from myself? What if I'm just confused and I'm really into guys and don't realize it?"


What I know for a fact is that I enjoy being with women. I find them sexually attractive. I enjoy talking with them. If I find one I take a liking too, I know I crush on them sometimes. But what if, and god forbid it's like this, cause it scares the hell out of me to even think about it, I just enjoy being with them cause it shuts up the questioning in my head? If I enjoy being with women intimately I feel like that's that, I enjoy it. But when I'm in this state of mind I raise this damned question and ruminate on it until I start to think it's true. When I step back it seems so ridiculous sounding to me though. What the hell is that all about?

I have a lot of male friends. I know I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to them. I can't imagine what life would be like without them, but I don't think I'm into them like that. I can honestly say that I love my friends like I love my family, but how do I know I'm not like IN LOVE with them? I've never felt what being in love is like with anybody before, so what if it's there and I don't realize it?

So now when I go to class if I see some dude walk in I'll think "Hmmmm, am I attracted to him?" And I'll try to imagine myself being sexual with them. Then about ten seconds later I'll realize that the only REAL reason I'm thinking those thoughts is because I'm questioning and it's on my mind. If it wasn't on my mind, I wouldn't think "wow, that dudes really attractive, I wanna do whatever with him." With girls on the other hand, if I see a nice one it's like all I think about for a few seconds is "damn, what do we have here? I'd like to do (insert comment here) with her." Even still, it's like these gay thoughts balloon and become obsessive because I feel some need to seek constant reassurance that all those people who called me a fag or whatever else just cause I wasn't popular in school were wrong about me. Does that make sense that you can KNOW you're heterosexual and into women, but STILL be confused, even though in your heart you know whats up?

I know that it should seems fairly obvious that I'm into women, but what I'm trying to understand is how, after two months of feeling great, happy, and complete again, I suddenly flip flopped, seemingly overnight, back into this entire predicament. I don't get to talk to my therapist about this until next week on the 16th, and it's consuming me again. Please help me out guys.


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#279148 - 03/12/09 01:59 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Andy
I think the hardest thing for me to do was to decide to be honest with myself. I acted out several times with guys and girls. I wanted to be like everyone else in my peer group, so the pressure was on to "prove" to myself and others that I was straight, when in fact I was, but at the time I had doubts.I got so confused that I didn't recognize who I was at times, and more importantly what I really wanted.
I doubted because I enjoyed the abuse at the time(8yrs old), because it was the only intimate friendship I had at that early age. In order for me to get through many years of struggling with the issue I had to agree to love myself - no matter what conclusion I came to about my attractions. I don't think anyone can answer some of the questions for you. I wish I could help you more but I can only relate to you as honestly as I can what goes on with me.

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#279160 - 03/12/09 09:34 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: tony2c]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Tony you and I have really similar stories there. My cousin was also really my closest and at the time only friend. I don't tend to act things out so much with other people as I tend to act out over the internet, but that's bad in a different manner.

I was really really hung up about this yesterday, but then somebody else on here said "Why do you have so much self doubt?" and that hit a resounding chord within me. On top of that I realized that a larger issue was that "inner child" reaching out asking for me to pay attention to him. Woke up this morning, and I feel great again. It's unfortunate that all that processing was the kick in the ass I needed.


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#279190 - 03/12/09 02:21 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
andy
It's great to hear your doing better.
you said you acted out on the internet "but that's bad in a different manner"
it may be painful, uncomfortable, unconrtollable, owr whatever. But my dear friend - as I came to understand after years of hurt-- nothing and I mean nothing we ever do is bad, because all of what we do in response to CSA is learned. There is no free consent of the will, we can't will ourselves better so how can we be bad.
It is truly good to know you and others like you.
there is nothing bad about you my friend.
god bless and grant peace

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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