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#278952 - 03/10/09 09:27 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: tony2c]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
That makes sense Tony. In high school I definitely was not athletic OR a ladies man and that only kinda added an edge to it. I'm working on changing that now though. I'm much more athletic, but only a little bit more of a ladies man. I.E. not much at all but I'm better than I was.


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#279078 - 03/11/09 04:42 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
OK guys this is still driving me up a freakin' wall.


The past two months, as I said earlier, I felt like I had woken up out of a coma. There wasn't a damn thing that could have happened that would have made me question my sexuality. I was happy, and just like that BOOM. Women got more attractive to me again, and I didn't even wonder if I was attracted to men. I would see the pictures and occasionally I would go online to check the porn and see what happened, and there was nothing at all about it. I even tried to think about it and say to myself "go ahead, get yourself really into it, have fun, if you like it, then you like it." Nothing happened. So I reasonably concluded that I wasn't gay, which I still truly believe.

For the first time in a DAMNED long time, I hooked up with a girl. Not just one, but two! Two different weeks in a row. I realized I'm not into the first chick I hooked up with, there was just nothing there. With the second one, there was no chance of a relationship, but she got me a whole hell of a lot more turned on then I can ever remember being, even more so than my ex from a few years ago. There is a third girl who I work with who likes to tease me, and frankly even though it drives me nuts, I love it and want very badly to hook up with her. Problem is we work together and I don't want to make that akward.


But even through all of this, somehow, someway, that damned obsessive questioning came back, the question of "prove to yourself again that you are without a doubt not into men sexually". My heart and body, when I feel firm and convicted in my belief that dudes don't really do it for me, don't have a problem with this. But this time, and I don't know what it was, I felt like something caused me to waiver.

This anxiety has arisen as a result, and when I get anxious I can convince myself of a lot of things, even to the point where I FORCE myself to think about the what if's, I.E. "What if I was in a relationship with another guy? Would I enjoy that?" "What if I had sex with another guy, would I enjoy that?" Questions like those. If you had asked me even two weeks ago, I would have said "no, just not really my cup of tea". But as I sat there forcing myself to think about this, I started reading people's coming out stories. Now I'm thinking "Oh my god, what if thats what I REALLY feel and I haven't acknowledged it? What if I'm secretly in denial from myself? What if I'm just confused and I'm really into guys and don't realize it?"


What I know for a fact is that I enjoy being with women. I find them sexually attractive. I enjoy talking with them. If I find one I take a liking too, I know I crush on them sometimes. But what if, and god forbid it's like this, cause it scares the hell out of me to even think about it, I just enjoy being with them cause it shuts up the questioning in my head? If I enjoy being with women intimately I feel like that's that, I enjoy it. But when I'm in this state of mind I raise this damned question and ruminate on it until I start to think it's true. When I step back it seems so ridiculous sounding to me though. What the hell is that all about?

I have a lot of male friends. I know I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to them. I can't imagine what life would be like without them, but I don't think I'm into them like that. I can honestly say that I love my friends like I love my family, but how do I know I'm not like IN LOVE with them? I've never felt what being in love is like with anybody before, so what if it's there and I don't realize it?

So now when I go to class if I see some dude walk in I'll think "Hmmmm, am I attracted to him?" And I'll try to imagine myself being sexual with them. Then about ten seconds later I'll realize that the only REAL reason I'm thinking those thoughts is because I'm questioning and it's on my mind. If it wasn't on my mind, I wouldn't think "wow, that dudes really attractive, I wanna do whatever with him." With girls on the other hand, if I see a nice one it's like all I think about for a few seconds is "damn, what do we have here? I'd like to do (insert comment here) with her." Even still, it's like these gay thoughts balloon and become obsessive because I feel some need to seek constant reassurance that all those people who called me a fag or whatever else just cause I wasn't popular in school were wrong about me. Does that make sense that you can KNOW you're heterosexual and into women, but STILL be confused, even though in your heart you know whats up?

I know that it should seems fairly obvious that I'm into women, but what I'm trying to understand is how, after two months of feeling great, happy, and complete again, I suddenly flip flopped, seemingly overnight, back into this entire predicament. I don't get to talk to my therapist about this until next week on the 16th, and it's consuming me again. Please help me out guys.


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#279148 - 03/12/09 01:59 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Andy
I think the hardest thing for me to do was to decide to be honest with myself. I acted out several times with guys and girls. I wanted to be like everyone else in my peer group, so the pressure was on to "prove" to myself and others that I was straight, when in fact I was, but at the time I had doubts.I got so confused that I didn't recognize who I was at times, and more importantly what I really wanted.
I doubted because I enjoyed the abuse at the time(8yrs old), because it was the only intimate friendship I had at that early age. In order for me to get through many years of struggling with the issue I had to agree to love myself - no matter what conclusion I came to about my attractions. I don't think anyone can answer some of the questions for you. I wish I could help you more but I can only relate to you as honestly as I can what goes on with me.

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#279160 - 03/12/09 09:34 AM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: tony2c]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Tony you and I have really similar stories there. My cousin was also really my closest and at the time only friend. I don't tend to act things out so much with other people as I tend to act out over the internet, but that's bad in a different manner.

I was really really hung up about this yesterday, but then somebody else on here said "Why do you have so much self doubt?" and that hit a resounding chord within me. On top of that I realized that a larger issue was that "inner child" reaching out asking for me to pay attention to him. Woke up this morning, and I feel great again. It's unfortunate that all that processing was the kick in the ass I needed.


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#279190 - 03/12/09 02:21 PM Re: Strange Question, may be triggering. [Re: AndyS87]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
andy
It's great to hear your doing better.
you said you acted out on the internet "but that's bad in a different manner"
it may be painful, uncomfortable, unconrtollable, owr whatever. But my dear friend - as I came to understand after years of hurt-- nothing and I mean nothing we ever do is bad, because all of what we do in response to CSA is learned. There is no free consent of the will, we can't will ourselves better so how can we be bad.
It is truly good to know you and others like you.
there is nothing bad about you my friend.
god bless and grant peace

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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