How do you answer him when he says "I'm a loser", "I am disgusting", "I do not deserve a better job", etc, etc? Has anyone figured out how to respond when he says this???

i dont know if this would help, but i allways say " i dont think you are a loser"

its hard to say, depending on the person what is right

*sigh* good luck

i dont know, it depends on the person, it depends on the inner strength of that person how you should react, that is what would dictate whether you should directly challenge their statement or rather just softly disagree

fpower,

I don't know how long you've known him or how much you know about his past or all of the things he's done in his lifetime so far...

I guess what I'm trying to say though... is that for a survivor it's often very hard to understand that when we call ourselves "loser/disgusting/worthles/ect." that it's really the feelings of the abuse of the past that's making us feel that way about ourselves - it's times like this when we really need understanding friends to help us to see the good things in our lives that we have done/accomplished

fpower. Don't know you, so I cannot answer as far as your history, or who said it.

My first thought was, what was the answer to yourself. The thought that just by asking, you were losing in the verbal BS that people do to each other.

Next thought was skills. Verbal or moment skills.

When hit with a position of negative shit, give a moment to your response, to yourself. Like the Kit Kat commercial. Some kind of moment.

If the loser thing comes up again. Pull a coin out and flip it. It gives you a moment before answering anyting. In that moment......You could say....hey, heads I win...not a loser today. And walk away.

Who knows buddy. The power struggles we deal with. Verbal, just the look of anothers expression, so many things we respond to daily. It is tough.

Good Luck.

Actually it's to the guy I'm seeing/friends with...whatever you call it. He is in his mid 30's, I've known him for 10+ years but only this past year reconnected with him. It's kind of strange, as he has not told me he was abused, I just know. I absolutely know! There are hundreds of things that point to this but one being if I just touch him he jumps, he is so scared.

Anyway, he is very good looking and everyone calls him the funniest guy they have ever met. However..this is not the side he shows to me, for some reason he opens up to me and NO ONE knows this soft serious side. So this is the side that tells me his insecurities and if he gets really intoxicated he starts takling about what a loser he is (and he is not), but he really believes he is! He thinks he is disguisting, too skinny, too this, too that. Basically has such a horrible self esteem but when he says these things what do I say? I think he is a gift from God, which he is, but what do I say to him? I would think that he would expect me to say "no your not, you are great...etc" and I do but does he hear that?

I feel like I have to be so very careful with what I say to him because if I tell him positive things he freezes and does not know what to say or do and that is usually when I don't hear from him for days on end. It can be as simple as "your such a cool guy", he will freak out.

Is there a better response to make him feel better about himself? He has hundreds of friends and it's funny, they don't even know him. I am like this too, and never met another person with my same characteristics. It's caught me totally off guard and I'm just at a loss. I just want to stay his friend, maybe he will tell me someday but I almost don't want him too because if he did I know he would run away for good, but that is the very selfish side of me talking because I don't want him to leave. I do though want him to love himself, and whatever has to happen for him to love himself, I pray that God would make that happen...with or without me because it's not about me.

My two cents...I think this man is the greatest thing since sliced bread!

Flower

I think I might respond something like...Your not a loser, your handsome with a great sense of humor (I would ask him to look into your eyes when you tell him this).

...Or you could make a form of gratitude list with all the positive qualities that my him such a valuable friend. (friendship card).


The best revenge is living a good life...(Hopefully one day, he will see and realize, this to be his truth).


Human (The Killers)

island

One thing I want to add...I used to not be able to look people in the eyes. I tried so hard for years for it to become a conscious effort to do so. He will not hold my eye contact and often will tell me not to look at him (if we are talking and I am looking at him).

I have actually written two very non threatening letters to him about his friendship and his value and even that seems to scare him. He is very different as far as men go and I always feel he is testing me for trust issues. However, I don't want to get into that right now in this thread.

Maybe there is no answer really...I don't know. I am very go with the flow and just whatever so most things can't get me riled up, however when I am my "normal" (which is happy, nice) he stiffens up. It's almost if he wants me to treat him like crap, which I can't do. He has crossed my boundaries several times but each one was a different boundary that he needed to learn. I am just like "look, if that is what you want, that's fine, but it's not me or I'm not cool with that". He either apologizes or gets pissed off and tells me we are two different and leaves, but then ends up coming back.

I guess I'm just starting to worry because it's coming time to hang out with him again in person and I'm worried he is going to belittle himeself and I just want to know what stance to take. Yes we only see each other about once a month or once every 3 weeks or so.

You could try what my wife does. I insult myself, she cries, and I feel even worse than I did to start with.

It's usually in moments where I feel like crap and I don't know what to do with myself and I try expressing what I'm feeling inside, but it always comes out even worse. I suppose I could say nothing, but that hurts just as bad and then I feel alone on top of that.

Maybe he is just telling you how he feels inside.

Hi all,

I think that survivors are often scared that when someone close tells them they're ok, that they're not losers, that they're good men who deserve to think well of themselves, they panic.

They want us (family and friends) to think well of them, but they're afraid of being put on a pedestal and then not being able to live up to expectations.

In my experience with my partner that is definitely the case. If he says he's a loser, disgusting etc (which is pretty often) he wants reassurance, but he doesn't want me gushing about how wonderful he is, because he can't take the pressure of being 'wonderful'.

I truthfully say to him that I love him and that I know he's a good man who is just trying to get through life in the best way he can. We all are, not just survivors.

I find the best way to show him he's not a loser is to just be there for him; to listen and hug and care. No amount of telling him he's ok will make it so; he has to feel it for himself and I try to help him feel it for himself by showing him that I choose to give my time and my love to him because I know he's worth it.

SB

fp,
If he's never told you about the abuse, is it possible that he hasn't admitted it to himself yet? I was in my late 20's before I was willing to say, "okay, it actually happened." Before that I was very self-destructive and did all I could to push people away.

It could be that the memories are no longer something he can keep suppressing, and the "I'm a loser," statements keep him lethargic. He may be pushing you away because he knows you care, and the emotion involved with a relationship will most likely bring up the emotion involved with the abuse.

It's shaky ground, especially if he's at the first stages of dealing with his abuse. All I can say is be supportive and willing to listen. Don't push too hard.

My hubby has told me that when I compliment him or answer "I'm a loser" (and other various self loathing insults) with a gushing explaination of why he is so good and wonderful that it scares him because he thinks that I'm deluded, cannot see that he is such and that someday I will wake up and see him as he is and then I will leave.
I think that the right answer is what soapy said...
tell him that you just think that he's a good guy trying to make it through life like the rest of us.

I've found through personal experience and from watching other individuals who deal with shame, that one of the hardest things for a survivor to do is to feel good about himself, and.... at least for me it was even harder to hear others give me praise.

I'm really not sure how a person can break through that issue with your survivor loved one because self image by it's very nature comes from within not without. Certainly I would tell your survivor at every opportunity how much you love them and how cool, hot, special, wonderful, hunky, you name it, that you think they are. Find creative ways to say it. Tell them that they might not think so but that to you they are the best at (fill in the blank).

One survivor's opinion

fpower...to quote Dr Phil, he will have to "fake it to make it" until he can manufacture his own self-esteem, I would suggest a gym pass, set of weights or running shoes, anything to make him exercise and get happier off the endorphins.

That's the start of it. Whatever you know he's good at, push him to that without reference to the abuse, that's where confidence will start to regenerate. At least that's how it happened for me.