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#27836 - 06/17/04 07:24 PM You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
camron Offline
Member

Registered: 06/17/04
Posts: 39
Loc: england
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, but by the time you have finished reading this (if you can be bothered to read this) You will absolutely hate me.
Why? because I did disgusting things.
Its not going to help procrastinating so ill just say it. Im a whore. and thats putting it mildly. when I was 16 I used to go around gay bars and for 50 id let anyone have me why? cause I needed the money. I couldnt get anyother job, at the start I had no home and no money, because my father kicked me out, I bet your all thinking ' oh no hes trying to make us feel sorry for him' Im not please dont think that im just telling you somthing that you dont have to listen to okies?
But yeah that was the only thing I could think of doing, I have few qualifications (unless a grade A in drama counts)so how could I get a job?
but im not on here to write about that I just thought you shouldd know that about me before you spoke to me.

I mean I the reason im on here is because like many i have been raped. I bet your thinking that doesnt matter given my past work. but it does to me, it shouldn't really should it? I mean im the village bycicle everyones had a ride on me. this is not easy to type out, it was so much easier in my head.

I dont know why but it made me feel so bad, I feel so slimy and good for nothing, worse than when i used to sell myself, I dont know why its one thing selling yourself its another thing being forced isnt it? It makes me want to cry.I know that I kind of deserve it it was just waiting to happen,Its not fair I have no one to tell this, except this board, which I ill keep doing even if no one replys Ill just keep talking to myself.I bet your wonderig how I got myhands on a computer when I said I had no money. well thats easy I moved in with an older friend of mine when I was 18, hes so nice, just not his friends, we went to a chirstmas party at a club and a group of people just grabbed me pinned me down and raped me in a corner, no one evn noticed, and if they did they didnt care, I suppose thats what I get for being a whore.
Im really sorry if ive angred or upset anyone on this borad, i just needed somewhere to vent, and tell my story, so im sorry.

_________________________
Collect some stars to shine for you,and start today, cause there are only a few.

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#27837 - 06/17/04 07:51 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
camron,
first off, i do not hate you. what you did to survive is exactly that, what you did to survive. it does not characterize who you are as a human being. i have also made choices that i am not proud of, and many of those choices had nothing to do with my survival, or as a result of the abuse i suffered as a child. i understand why you feel as though you should be hated, but you will not find that here.

the second thing is about the rape. you were violated in a horrible way. the fact that there were witnesses who did nothing only made the event far worse because it reinforced the idea that you felt you either deserved it, or that you did not deserve any intervention or help. both of those are lies. you did and do deserve help, and you are definitely worthy of this brotherhood.

my personal history is different from yours, as are each of our journeys here on the site. the common bond is our willingness to reach out to each other and share that journey. camron, pm me, i am here. we are brothers in what we have both experienced, and we stand together. you are no longer alone, i promise.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#27838 - 06/17/04 08:10 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
camron Offline
Member

Registered: 06/17/04
Posts: 39
Loc: england
Thanks you theo, Its good to know I have someones support. Its hard to know what to do, I have no idea how to geto ver it, it plauges me all the time.

_________________________
Collect some stars to shine for you,and start today, cause there are only a few.

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#27840 - 06/17/04 08:24 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
camron,
i wont lie, it hurts like a "insert choice of expletive here", and it does not get easier in the immediate steps of recovery, but it does eventually even out. what you do is what you have started right here, reaching out. sharing the journey helps us to carry through when we cannot do it alone. that is the whole point of this place called ms.org, none of us are alone anymore. what you did tonight was the first step in a long journey that will have its triumphs and its setbacks...but we are here to share it with you, camron. take care.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#27841 - 06/17/04 08:33 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I do not hate you. I do not hate anyone.

It seem crazy. Just because things you done before, that does not mean that you can not have someone abuse you. The two things, they do not have anything to do with the other. You were abused, it is true. You are welcome here, I hope you find help here.

Andrei


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#27842 - 06/17/04 09:42 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Camron,

I don't hate you either, thats far from what i feel. I admire you for your courage to begin to talk about what you have experienced. Listen to the rest of the guys here they speak the truth.

I was in much the same situation at one time, homeless, alone, no prospects and did the same thing you did. Not a happy time in my life. I do understand how you can be so desperate as to turn to prostitution.

And no that does not mean you deserved to be raped. Does one deserve to be abused because they've had some rough times in their life and did what they could to survive? NO!

You do deserve some much more.

Not to hold myself up as a shining example, but since my time on the street I've gone to college, gotten skills and a degree, started to deal with the pain of my past and the behaviours it brought about. Life is still hard but much more hopeful.

You have made a brave step in starting to talk and your life will be a bit better for it. This road of recovery is best traveled in little steps, you can take a while, look around and decide what you next step will be.

Welcome and its a pleasure to meet you.

Peace,

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#27843 - 06/17/04 10:00 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1794
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Sorry to disappoint you Camron, but you will fit right in here ;\)

Take a look at this post from one of the other brothers, and pay close attention to the last few lines at the end of the letter.

Mike Church post- Another go at the government

Mike is the man, you can learn a lot from him.


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#27844 - 06/17/04 11:36 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
I do not hate you. You did what you thought you had to do. When you sold your body, you had a choice. Rapists do no tgive you a choice. They take what they need, ignoring you, even failing to acknowledge that you are a person.

Welcome here, my brother. I hope we can help you with whatever you need. We are always here for you. We will not look down on you for your past. Hell, we all have things in our past we regret. That is just a part of life!
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#27845 - 06/17/04 11:38 PM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
I do not hate you. You did what you thought you had to do. When you sold your body, you had a choice. Rapists do no tgive you a choice. They take what they need, ignoring you, even failing to acknowledge that you are a person.

Welcome here, my brother. I hope we can help you with whatever you need. We are always here for you. We will not look down on you for your past. Hell, we all have things in our past we regret. That is just a part of life!
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#27846 - 06/18/04 01:54 AM Re: You will hate me for this. (TRIGGERS)
subdeacon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
Some of the greatest saints in the world started out as whores. God didn't hate them. I don't hate you. Hang in there, friend!

Philip

_________________________
"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

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