Newest Members
JACKL, Personman, SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul
12488 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
6 registered (dew, BraveFalcon, aniceguy, Obi, 2 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12488 Members
74 Forums
64151 Topics
447628 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#278296 - 03/05/09 09:41 AM my brother
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
think i mentioned this on here before. my brother, who was one of my abusers, probably the worst one because of the way he did things. he's continued to harrass me, its just on-going verbal abuse and intimidation right up until last week. so i took some advice and got a restraining order. not because i really thought it would keep him away but because the embarassment and fear he'd feel and the fact that i actually pushed back. Anyway, i called him and told him it was coming. I also told him exactly what it would say refering to physical/sexual abuse. For the first time ever that i can remember he was just speechless, i could tell it was an awkward moment for him and i loved it lol. he said nothing for a few minutes and then he started talking, stuttering over his words, and i could hear it in his voice, finally him, not me who was afraid. It was all i could do not to laugh out loud. So he's basically leaving messages and emailing me, he wants to get together and "talk things out" LOL. Imagine that? he all of a sudden wants to talk things out with his kid brother. excuse me while i puke. I told him it was just too late. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me and thats ok. First time in my life i ever did anything to stand up to them and it feels pretty good. JB


Top
#278299 - 03/05/09 09:58 AM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
Juni Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 12/10/08
Posts: 502
Loc: Florida, WPB
JB

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is inspiring for those, like myself, who lack the courage. You faced the fear and take back control. Wow! You are a bigger man than I am for sure.

At the same time, an opportunity to make things right with you siblings is pure gold. It is a shame that it took a restraining order to bring it about, but this is also an opportunity I wish I had, an opportunity to bury the hatchet and have a good relationship once again. If it were me, I would take another look at that opportunity some time down the road.

Juni

_________________________
Today I'm O.K.
One day at a time I make the journey.

Top
#278304 - 03/05/09 10:35 AM Re: my brother [Re: Juni]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
i don't see it as an opportunity to make things right with him, i haven't done anything to him that i need to make right and he never gave me any chance at a normal life or any choices so im not giving him any chance to try and make things right. its too late. theres nothing he could say to me that would make it right. plus he's not sorry, he's scared. and its got nothing to do with being a bigger man or lacking courage. i just had enough of his shit. whats the worst that could happen? nothing. he's already done the worst to me, theres nothing else he could do. i loved him so much before it all started and i loved him the entire time he was hurting me because i wanted him to love me back. thats not too much to ask for. part of me still loves him and wants him to love me but then i think about what his definition of love was and the anger takes over.


Top
#278308 - 03/05/09 10:58 AM ... [Re: JBells]
St3v3n Offline


Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 102
...


Top
#278309 - 03/05/09 11:08 AM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
jb!

Quote:
so i took some advice and got a restraining order. not because i really thought it would keep him away but because the embarassment and fear he'd feel and the fact that i actually pushed back.

^^^^^^^
this is so incredible!

it just makes me wanna


_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#278311 - 03/05/09 11:27 AM Re: my brother [Re: Sans Logos]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
that was good, no idea who it is but its good. I was thinking something a little more 2009, but its good smile


Top
#278313 - 03/05/09 11:38 AM Re: my brother [Re: St3v3n]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
"This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but me and thats ok. First time in my life i ever did anything to stand up to them and it feels pretty good. JB"

I think you did the right thing. Bravo JB. smile

Ken

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#278315 - 03/05/09 11:49 AM Re: my brother [Re: lars3229]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
This post actually made me laugh out loud when I read it. I can`t even imagine getting angry, confronting, or even stop striving for my brothers acceptance. Thanks for having the courage that I wish I had.


Top
#278322 - 03/05/09 12:30 PM Re: my brother [Re: Riley]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
JB,

that's a HUGE thing man!!!

you are taking a big step forward in taking back the control that was taken away from you by the abuse of your brother - he's no longer in control - his response proves that - I can only imagine how good it's got to feel to be able to take back that power from him - to finally be able to take back that which he took from you so many years ago

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#278327 - 03/05/09 01:22 PM Re: my brother [Re: TJ jeff]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
thanks. it feels really good, like really really good. i should have done it years ago


Top
#278328 - 03/05/09 01:31 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Major kudos JBells, and now you've stood up to him in one way, keep it going by proceeding legally if he breaks it.

I doubt he will, it doesn't bode well for a perp to be harassing their victim after a formal warning.

_________________________
- CBG

Top
#278329 - 03/05/09 01:38 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 55
am I doing something wrong? All my posts are blank. Is there something I don't understand about this place?



Edited by alone (04/21/10 02:02 AM)

Top
#278331 - 03/05/09 02:00 PM Re: my brother [Re: alone]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 01:26 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

Top
#278348 - 03/05/09 05:42 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
jb, stick around here are you'll get an education that is priceless.

The University of Male Survivor!

we've got veritable living libraries in the brains of the men who are here of ALL ages and all varieties of experience.

you don't know 3 dog night?

ok, i won't hold it against you, i promise :-)

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#278464 - 03/06/09 02:03 PM Re: my brother [Re: Sans Logos]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
3 dog who? smile


Top
#278465 - 03/06/09 02:07 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
JB, how could you? LOL

I love 3 Dog Night ron. smile

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#278466 - 03/06/09 02:24 PM Re: my brother [Re: lars3229]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
lol sorry, not the kind of music that I like.


Top
#278467 - 03/06/09 02:33 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Just glad to see you joking a bit. smile As for music, to each his own, which is another thing that makes the world great. smile

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#278474 - 03/06/09 03:43 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
JB,

It is great to see you actively taking care of yourself.
This is such a great leap forward for you.
Keep up the great work.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#278542 - 03/07/09 10:35 AM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
I don't know. The first thing I thought was....Perfect....

It is great having a little power back.

I felt that the oppurtunity, for healing, for you both. You in your path. His is yet to be seen, as the abuser.

My thoughts were having a safe line of communication where you are able to put down, in e-mails, your everything about him. A little at a time.......but putting it out there and......getting his responses.

Keeping a folder to place and put his stuff there. your stuff to him and his replies. Getting documentation somehow to keep.

Keep it for the present and the future.

Later you may be able to bust him on occasions with family, just with himself. Not to make him suffer,for your pain or for your enjoyment. Just to make him own his responsibility in his life, in your's, in other's even associated to it all.

Things have a way of clearing up and out when a wind comes blowing through. May you be a gentle breeze for us all to enjoy.

Peace.


Top
#278569 - 03/07/09 04:23 PM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
40035 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Ontario Canada
Your actions on the restraining order was justified. As a survivor, I have had many forms of harassment and never took that option. The timing and circumstances were not right. My concern is that you were ready to laugh out loud at your brother. Nothing I can say here can express my regret of what happened to you. Just be carefull you do not become what you dread and fear the most. Somtimes a correction to a better path leads us to act in a form of revenge or worse, to become an abuser.
Keep positive thoughts and turn this page in your life.
To have any contact with him will only open you up to more hurt. He (your abuser)needs to seek out himself why he must hurt others to satisfy his needs through professionals.
Move on. Life does get better. Never give up!!

_________________________
Mark

Top
#278893 - 03/10/09 12:31 PM Re: my brother [Re: 40035]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
become an abuser? never! although i have to admit that i love hearing the fear and panic in his voice. he called again last night, real late and got me on the phone. telling me how sorry he is, that was afraid of our dad, that he never meant to do that stuff to me. LOL, stuff? are you serious??? STUFF? he wouldnt admit that dad was hurting him too but im sure of it. he asked for my therapists phone number, he even asked if me and him could meet at my therapists office to talk.


Top
#279022 - 03/11/09 01:25 AM Re: my brother [Re: JBells]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
JB, I'm happy for you that you were able to do this. I would strongly suggest that you stop taking his phone calls now. I think that would be better for you and your brother both. He needs to deal with his regrets for himself and you need to be out of reach for him.

I'm not saying you should be afraid, I just think that now that you have reclaimed your personal power you should do all you can to make sure it stays that way and that he doesn't have any more opportunity to make you feel victimized in any way.

That's just my feeling though; I don't know much at all about your brother or the situation, but, just generally speaking, it seems like it would be a better choice, even if he seems remorseful about his abuse to not even allow him to get his foot in the door so to speak and harass you again or try to pressure you to forgive him.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

Top
#279024 - 03/11/09 01:52 AM Re: my brother [Re: blueshift]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
This is brilliant JBells, don't let anybody tell you that you did the wrong thing, you did the right thing. When brothers are like that, they are not real brothers at all.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
#279026 - 03/11/09 01:54 AM Re: my brother [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
Sometimes people think that just because your abuser is a relative that there should be some kind of friendly reconciliation, i don't think that's true at all.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.