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#278262 - 03/04/09 11:42 PM taking back what was mine
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
you who came into my family
have no power over this grown man
anymore.

you who lied and manipulated
and played your games
with all of us.

there were bounderies even then,
that you interloper could not resist.
tricked us all
into thinking you ment well

years to watch and groom
to chip away at our family
and cast your wicked spell

blinding a young boys eyes
with your lies
taking away the magic of youth and leaving
solitude...

nothing can be the same
a friend a hug a hand to hold
not there anymore
innocense lost
never to know the trust of a child

left in its place ...self loathing, fear
hatred, pain, repression, disassociation,
eyes that cannot meet a man without seeing you
confusion...

wandering alone around the world
searching for the me that i lost
finding nothing like me anywhere
knowing that the search can go on forever and that what is gone is lost.
remembering that i was never afraid of anything before you.
knowing that its good for me to stand up to you
even now 40 years later and fight the battle that a man should have fought

i can give you no more of me
i take back what was mine
and give it freely to those i love
knowing they are safe and they care
that a hug is a hug and closeness doesnt have to hurt
and that fear is my choice, in my life if i deem it so...

Nomansanisland 2009

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#286177 - 05/03/09 04:27 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: nomansanisland]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nice poem. I especially liked this part at the end:

Quote:
i can give you no more of me
i take back what was mine
and give it freely to those i love
knowing they are safe and they care
that a hug is a hug and closeness doesnt have to hurt

It's such an important step when we can see the truth of all this, and then use that truth as a tool in the rest of the work we need to do in recovery. All the best to you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#294152 - 07/04/09 02:20 AM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: roadrunner]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
larry,
so funny, this was my attempt at writing what happened to me with out actually seeing the graphic stuff, which i cannot face. i look back to this poem alot for it means the beginning of telling someone, just as much as i can bear to tell. i long for the day when i can write my survivor story. and othes will know. its so very hard to tell the details. I remember them all even 40 years later.I cannot bring myself to write it all down. i feeds my soul in some wat almost my own independence day.when will the hatred go away?

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#294215 - 07/04/09 03:16 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: nomansanisland]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: nomansanisland
when will the hatred go away?

The answer for me: When I realized that anger and hate consume a huge amount of my own emotional strength and capacity to keep going. These were resources I needed for me - for my recovery - and instead I was frittering them away on someone who mostly wanted power over me in the first place. So here I was extending that power of his, even though he had been dead for years.

Working towards giving up the anger and hate isn't about letting the absuer off. It's all about saving your energy and strength for yourself. It's a way of telling the abuser that his influence and power over you are finished.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#294424 - 07/06/09 06:12 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: roadrunner]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hello my brothers.

Wonderful poem, nomanisanisland.

Yes, learning to give up the hate, the anger, the shame, etc.

These are huge steps for me/us to take.

But, one by one little Pete & big Pete keep chipping away at them, one at a time. It is surely a long and slow process, and not without pain.

Little Pete & big Pete offer you our compassion, understanding and love.

Heal well nomanisanisland, my brother, my family.

Pete (Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#297866 - 08/03/09 12:17 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: petercorbett]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
my heart is hurting, i seem not able to move foreward. i must be wanting to stay in this mode. somehow i love the hatred, i draw life from it. i dont know. seems like i am afraid of the next steps. i am new to this way of thinking and have blamed myself for this for so long, now i find that i am not the one who brought this all apon myself but was a child who was sexualized and made into a victim to be used.I hae blamed myself for so long, i want to hold on to hating him , like i need the hatred to work through my emotions and hold tight to it for just awhile. i have blamed me for so long...i cant even think of the little patrick here,the big one has hated himself for 40years.he wants justice. he wants to feel like a man for once.

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#297872 - 08/03/09 01:12 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: nomansanisland]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

Yes we hurt, we cry into the depths of our soul & hell too. I waited for 69 1/2 years.

I wish that I was God, so I could help myself, and all my brothers in pain.

But I'n not. I don't have eloquent words.

But I will give you the only thing that little Pete & big Pete posess, and that is our COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE. UNCONDITIONALLY.

hang in there my brother, it hurts, but it will get better, it will happen. Hope for you, Hope for me & Hope for all our brothers here.

Heal well my brother, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunlight forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#297922 - 08/03/09 08:38 PM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: petercorbett]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
This poem speaks volumes in a most profound way. Grooming is often a long insidious process. The predator is patient and spends as much time as it takes. The more he wins trust, the more it hurts, the deeper the scars.

Thanks for sharing; thanks for giving me more incentive to speak out.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

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#297948 - 08/04/09 01:16 AM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: petercorbett]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
pete, thanks for seeing what i could not, for sharing of yourself when all i want to do is cry. my pain is large as is my love for those who have had it worse than i.i know the pain , i am one with the guilt from being ashamed. i am touched by your reply, my heart is touched too...thanks , patrick

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#297950 - 08/04/09 01:35 AM Re: taking back what was mine [Re: Derdlecar]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
thanks darrel,
i am still dealing with betrayal and anger. i was just a kid , with no dad, what a piece of shit to ruin my life with his sick games. he is the origional liar, and to this day sees me as the sick one, he thinks he spotted a gay child , one he could use... and that now i am a gay man. he doesnt know... i am nothing, asexual, alone forever...because he thought i was his to mess with... he was so wrong , he sexualized me and it was him who is gay...using children for his pecuilar tastes...what a sad sick man...

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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