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#285273 - 04/24/09 09:08 PM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: rainbow]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi RB -

Please prepare yourself... you will continue to have questions about this relationship for the rest of your life! We partners can't simply "will" our men out of our hearts & souls - it just won't happen! That doesn't mean we should remain in an abusive relationship - but please be careful not to blame yourself it the Love still remains after the relationship is over....

Meanwhile.

You might want to take a look at the work of Laura Davis - she has written extensively about the topic of "estrangement" and "reconciliation." She has a website - you can google it.

And.

One of the things I have been thinking about recently is that even when the "healing process" is in its most disruptive stages, for the relationship to survive, there need to be common passions outside it. There has to be a way for us to continue to respect, admire, and honor our men - outside of how proud we are when they begin to really heal. If not, then we are really engaging in a parent-child or therapist-patient relationship and it isn't healthy for us any more than it is healthy for our men. On some level, there has to remain something about our man that has NOTHING TO DO WITH US or our relationship that makes our pulse race and our heart beat faster, something extraordinary about him and the way he looks at his life - even when he is enduring the recovery process, especially when he is enduring the recovery process.... If we can't find those things, then maybe the relationship just isn't meant to be.

Hope this answers your question somewhat....

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#286411 - 05/05/09 09:14 PM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: kolisha54]
rainbow Offline


Registered: 12/16/08
Posts: 28
Thank you all for your replies and wise advice. In answer to kolisha54, there are a slew of things I admire about my man and we were very compatible. However, I was not prepared to accept emotional and verbal abuse, and then prospectively being cheated on. If he was actively in recovery, I may have tried to make it work with him on some level, but he's not at all. He's still very much in denial. And I suspect he's had a sexual encounter with a man. So there was even more difficulty thrown into the mix.

I have not sent him a letter, nor will I, he has to be ready and able to deal with things in his own time. I can't save him. But my heart breaks for him. He is no longer part of my life anymore at all. It's not even safe for me to be friends with him. I tried to love him and help him heal. I stayed with him for two years and put up with so much mistreatment because I knew it wasn't about me, it was his pain. But I had to leave him because in the end I was just an enabler. Not a healthy situation for me or him.

Peace and love,
Rainbow




Edited by rainbow (11/05/09 07:48 PM)

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#286437 - 05/06/09 02:11 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: rainbow]
MissMyra Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 19
Loc: UK
The best piece of advice I can give you is to take care of yourself.

I agree very much with what has been said before. There's this romantic idea that you stick with the person that you love through thick and thin. And in many ways I believe that, still.

However, when your partner is abusive towards you, there simply is no excuse. I know some of the survivors here might not agree with me, but CSA (or anything for that matter) is NO excuse or justification for being abusive towards someone else. In my case, it was his excuse for absolutely everything.

Did I love him? Truly, with all my heart. I still do in a way, as it's very true that you never really stop caring. He is a great person in some ways, very clever and funny and creative. But at the same time, his behaviour towards me was simply NOT ok, and I wouldn't put up with stuff like that from anyone. So I'm glad I left him, even if it does also feel as though I abandoned someone in need - which is something I'd never want to do.

You have the right and responsibility to look after yourself. And there's no good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You probably wouldn't even contemplate it if you hadn't heard his "excuses". And in a way that just shows what a big hearted and caring person you are for wanting to help him and being supportive.

But there comes a point - certain I've been there - where staying with him means deserting yourself. And you're doing the right thing by looking out for yourself. =)


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#286452 - 05/06/09 06:19 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: MissMyra]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Ah yes, Ms. M... That Romantic Idea...

When I catch myself getting all caught up in it, I force myself to recognize that no one is sticking with ME through thick & thin!

If I could add something to your insightful post... CSA is not an excuse for Neglect, either....

Rainbow - I sooooo understand your feeling about being an "enabler!" I don't want to cause more pain, so I keep my boxing gloves stored safely away. But this man probably needs a good knock-out punch to come to his senses. The only thing that might do that is if I rejected him once & for all - but I don't seem to be able to do that just yet.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#286463 - 05/06/09 09:11 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: kolisha54]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: kolisha54
If I could add something to your insightful post... CSA is not an excuse for Neglect, either....

Rainbow - I sooooo understand your feeling about being an "enabler!" I don't want to cause more pain, so I keep my boxing gloves stored safely away. But this man probably needs a good knock-out punch to come to his senses. The only thing that might do that is if I rejected him once & for all...

Well said on both counts although I probably wouldn't use the term reject. I'd replace the phrase with "if I were to stop the enabling once and for all." He's either going to figure it out or remain oblivious.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#286549 - 05/07/09 06:04 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: WalkingSouth]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
.



Edited by soapy bubbles (09/01/09 10:46 AM)
Edit Reason: deleted for personal reasons

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#287240 - 05/12/09 07:01 PM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: soapy bubbles]
rainbow Offline


Registered: 12/16/08
Posts: 28
Again, thank you everyone for your words of support. I may appear to be strong by making such a decision but I am really suffering through it. And if my guy had been in any form of active recovery (which he is not) then I likely would have tried to stick by him for longer. So I appreciate the dilemma of many partners here.

I am so confused right now about whether he ever really loved me or not. He always claimed he did, and said he had never felt so connected to someone, and so on. But he was so abusive of me at times. He displays most, if not all, of the narcissistic behaviors. But I guess there's pathological narcissism and then a type of narcissism that develops in childhood as an extreme coping mechanism in response to abuse and neglect.

I have met with him one more time. He accused me over and over of not loving him because I had ended the relationship. I told him I loved him but could not allow myself to be mistreated by him. Then he kept calling himself an a**hole over and over for loving me but mistreating me and losing me. It was incredibly sad. He had his head down the whole time, and just before he left he glanced up at me, and as our eyes met I could see all his hurt and pain. I have to protect myself though. He has been highly abusive of me at times. I have been called the worse names in my life, I have been abandoned on trips, I have been raged at and emotionally abused by him countless times. I can barely believe I endured it. But I did because I truly understood it wasn't about me but it is impossible to live that way, my spirit was being eroded away.

I have not contacted him since that last meeting, and I will not because I need to protect myself against his anger and blame. He has not tried to contact me either, which really hurts because it's even more confusing given he said he loved me so much. And then he's been seeking both a new girlfriend and sexual encounters with women online. That hurts, too. I just feel utterly dispensable.

He always claimed I never knew him. But I did, more than he realizes. He presents a false self to the world and to himself, but I saw there was a true self. A frightened, vulnerable, very damaged true self, who doesn't believe anyone could love him for who he really is. I did but he never believed me, instead he abused me mercifully when I 'challenged' his false self. He rarely let me in. I just wonder if he even realizes this, or whether he's just sunk further into denial.

Thank you for listening.

Love and peace,
Rainbow






Edited by rainbow (05/12/09 07:03 PM)

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#287312 - 05/13/09 06:33 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: rainbow]
riz Offline


Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 123
Hi Rainbow,

Thank you for posting this. I could have written almost every word myself. Your talking about your pain makes mine more bearable because it convinces me again that what I just went through really did happen. Because it happened to you, and to others. It is real...isn't it?

Just yesterday I was thinking to myself that I was crazy for having been involved in this website, going to therapy, learning about csa. That I was crazy and neurotic and needy...and just making a big drama out of the fact that well, he just wasn't that into me.

Thanks and my best wishes for your healing and happiness.

Riz


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#287330 - 05/13/09 10:09 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: riz]
ChuckT Offline


Registered: 04/08/09
Posts: 8
Loc: New England
I apologize for having to ask but my search turned up empty.

What does CSA stand for??

_________________________
ChuckT

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#287335 - 05/13/09 10:47 AM Re: Before recovery: Men treating their women badly [Re: ChuckT]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Chuck

CSA - childhood sexual abuse. A lot of guys will refer to SA - sexual abuse, as a way to distinguish that their abuse took place after childhood.

_________________________
My Story 1
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The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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