Hi my name is Danny and I am new here. I am currently in therapy, which started last July. I am posting b/c I don't want to feel so alone with my conflict:
I was abused by my teacher when I was in grade 11. Even since that time, I often picture him pleauring me when I masturbate. It seems that I often fantasize about my abuser (or sometimes other people) performing oral sex on me. As much as I realize that I hate him now, I can't help but to think of what he was doing to me when I masturbate. Does anyone have similar experience? How can you love something that you hate so much?

Question #2: My therapist and I have been talking about this in the past two weeks because I don't want to think of my abuser every time I masturbate. So my T has assigned me with homework assignment that's kind of weird for me. Two weeks ago, I was to masturbate (alone) but I must try my best not to picture my abuser. I was to try different 'technique' so I may focus on how it makes me feel physically rather than being stimulated emotionally... This week, I am supposed to masturbate, but I must stop before I ejaculate. I find these exercises kind of weird. I don't know how to describe it. But has anyone done similar exercises? Does it work in the long run?

Danny

Hi Danny,

Welcome to the site it’s a great place to feel less alone with this stuff. It’s not unusual to become bonded to an abuser in this way. Early sexual experiences and especially abuse leave powerful imprints and sets up patterns that continue until we manage to break them. What you are doing in masturbation doesn’t have anything to do with love it is more a re-enactment of the abuse, it may be that it gives you a sense of control over what happened to you. It’s confusing and feeds into the part of ourselves that thinks we were to blame for what happened and that somehow we wanted it. There are lots of accounts on the site of guys seeking out others to re-enact the abuse or re-enacting the abuse in masturbation or porn addiction.

What the therapist suggests is something that has been suggested in a group I am doing which is not for survivors but about general sexuality. We were asked to masturbate in different ways sometimes with no fantasy and to concentrate on the sensations in our bodies and to stop before coming. It sounded weird and uncomfortable to me. But it makes sense in trying to break the link between sexual pleasure/intimacy and abuse. I can’t say it has worked for me yet but it is early days and seems well worth trying.

What you describe seems a pretty normal reaction to abuse.

Take care,

Rustam.

Danny, you don't indicate how long ago the abuse occurred, or if you have had subsequent sexual experiences. If you have remained relatively inexperienced, then perhaps your mind just wanders into familiar territory during masturbation. I know I might sound a bit too simplistic & flippant with what I now have to say .... but, I know what I would do in your situation. I'd make sure that in the next few weeks I had a very romantic evening with a male or female (your choice), a person who was much more attractive than the abuser, and way better at giving blow jobs. I'd make sure the evening lasted as long as possible. There is no doubt in my mind that after that ... my masturbation fantasies would be recapturing the pleasure of my latest experience. Peace, Andrew

Danny, I don't find your fantasy strange at all. I have a need (hate the word obsession...ugly word) to watch pornography of men doing to each other what was done to me during my abuse. I think we become fixated on that in some way. Our SA is such an overwhelming experience that our minds didn't know how to handle it/couldn't handle it, and so we were left for the rest of our lives to try to sort things out. Unfortunately, our minds give us very little choice in how that sorting will be done. There are much wiser minds here than mine, and I am sure that you will hear from them, but I don't think your fantasy sounds strange at all, but more like a not unusual result of your SA.

As to question number two: sounds like way too much self control to me.

Thank you all for your input. I read through each one and found comfort in each one of them.

Rustam,
Thanks for telling me that your therapy is doing the same thing. I don't feel so odd after hearing that it's an exercise on sexuality. That is a great comfort b/c I sometimes wonder about that. I mean, why do I fantazie about male (my abuser was a male) when I masturbate?! I am glad and relieved to hear that these exercises will help break the bond.

Andrew,
I am not quite ready to share my story yet. But it's been 18 years or so. I was molested when I was 16 or so. And I was living away from my parents in a boarding school by myself, in a foreign country... anyway, as for your suggestion, it won't happen any time soon b/c I have this great fear of intimacy. I won't let my wife come close to me sexually. That's why my T and I are currently working on. Hence, I guess the exercise.

Bobby,
Thank you so much for telling me that you also have a need to watch pornography of men doing to each other what was done to you. I find that to be my case as well. I get so turn on by the site of man performing oral sex on another man. It's good to know that I am not the only one. As for your last comment, yeah, it is very hard to maintain the self control. I don't always succeed. But I am learning.

Once again, thank you all. Hopefully I'll be talking to you all real soon again.

Danny

Danny,

I had another kid be abusively aggressive with me between ages 9 and 11. At times the relationship went well. Other times it was abusive. But an abusive friendship beat no friendship, and it beat staying in a home with no emotional connection. I can't remember when, maybe around 15 or so, I was fantasizing about this kid often and have been ever since because of how he impacted me. I identified with my agressor somehow and kept the childhood connection with him alive in my heart all these years, and I'm I still behaving today like he did back then. I would prefer to surrender that connection now, but he stills has this pull on me, I guess because of some unresolved issues with him. I am working toward hopefully resolving these issues this year.

Regarding the "homework," I personally feel leary about anyone directing me sexually. The last person who did that was a counselor from 20 years ago, and he ended up pawing me in the most wrong ways, in the name of 'therapy.' So I have a hard time taking any such direction from anyone - at least that's how I feel at the moment.

Danny, in view of the further details you have given, there is no doubt that my earlier advise sucks. So please ignore it. Thanks. Peace, Andrew

As to question 2, that's the most bizaar therapy suggestion I've ever heard. I actually had a similar conversation with my therapist on Monday. I asked how guys are able to stop thinking about the abuse when with their wives. He said it's by talking about it, and by reinforcing the good experiences. So the idea may be the same, but the approach drastically different. The more good experiences I have with my wife, the more I will associate that good experience with intimacy. I don't know that it will ever go away, but it should get better. It seems like the advice given you would just reinforce the safety of having sex without a partner. To me, that doesn't confront the intimacy issues. I have no problem masturbating. The problem I have is I can't stop masturbating and have a real relationship.

As to the fantasies, mine always involved being abused in some way. It was probably a way of reliving it so I could feel in control of the situation this time. Again, fantasy. The more I looked at my abuse, the more I got it through my head that I was a kid. I had no control. Once I could give up the idea of rewriting my past, the abuse fantasies and some of the nightmares went away.

I understand your fight. It's a difficult place. I hope you can find in your wife the connection and safety you need. That's what I'm trying to do.