My CSA really messed me up for good in one way; I can't provide people I make love with the reassurance they want--maybe need that I am enjoying sex with them.
It all came out of those fatal words "See, your dick's hard! That mean's you like it! Your a fag." I had to tell a lover recently that it triggers me to have someone tell me that I'm enjoying it. He agreed not to, but I don't think he really understood the why.
This is hard to talk about but I seem to have gotten on a role with the spilling my guts lately, so why stop now? It's such an issue for me that it's actually easier for me to perform sexually if I frame it in my mind in the context of abuse somehow than if I try to see it as a pleasurable experience.
Of course it IS a pleasurable experience but I can't say that and it even can be a strong turn off if someone I'm topping smiles and expresses pleasure verbally to me, like saying "yeah" or "do it baby" or whatever.
But it just makes me sick that I have to think either like I'm raping or being raped for sex to feel natural at all. Ugh! Of course I would never want to really rape or be raped again..hell no! But as long as the rape part is just how I frame it in my mind and know that it isn't really, it is actually what enables me to have a sex life at all.
That's an f ed up thing to have to admit!
When the guy told me I liked it, as my penis indicated, the person I thought I was got smashed to pieces and replaced with some freak who wanted to be hurt which made feeling sorry for myself seem insincere and hypocritical.
It made me nauseous to think that I liked getting it in the butt, but the idea of my hating it turned me on in some sick way and that's the way I've been ever since.
I guess it's no surprise I ended up getting into bdsm. With that, I can skip all the worry about whether someone feels validated by expressions of pleasure I can't provide.
I have to pretend that everything is forced on either me or my partner by me. This even limits my activities, like if I'm bottom with someone they have to do the work, because if I do any of it, I'm participating which makes it too obvious that I'm enjoying it.
I think a lot of the sick feeling I get about it is that I still unconsciously equate fantasizing that consentual sex is actually rape, with actually wanting to rape or be raped.
I know in my head this isn't true. I might be consumed with lust once in a while and think I want to rape someone I find extremely attractive, but I also know if I were ever to actually try to do it, I would identify too much with the pain of the victim to carry it out.
But all the same, I feel like a sick, messed up individual. And there's a huge amount of anxiety dealing with this..wondering if it's going to completely turn my lovers off of me. That hasn't really happened yet, but it seems like a miracle it hasn't.
Anyone relate at all? so I don't feel so like a freak?