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#277269 - 02/26/09 08:36 AM it's never enough
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
He arrives home late, drunk and mad again.
I cower under the blanket in fear of what's to come.
Maybe if I'm quiet enough he won't see me, won't notice me.
Maybe if Iím lucky enough he'll just pass out.
But it never works out that way and the blanket is no protection against the fear or the pain
Now he's yelling at her, pushing her around because she wouldnít ďput outĒ, now heís even more angry, I hear her muffled voice through the wall telling him that he better do
something about his disrespectful son and how his stupid kid screwed up today.
I know sheís scared, she knows if she gets him to refocus his attention onto me instead of her that sheíll be ok.

Thanks ma.

So here it comes, the cover's gone and Iím alone.

Now the hitting, shoving, pushing and pulling, clawing and ripping. I'm naked before him, crying and ashamed
He's exposed before me, he doesnít have to say anything, I already know what to do. I'm crying and I canít breathe but itís not enough. Itís never enough for him.

I'm shoved on the bed.
Face down on the bed and I know its coming and I know itíll hurt and I know that I deserve it so I try to go somewhere else in my head but I canít get far enough and the pain comes. The pain of his endless anger.
He pounds and crushes my 12 year old body beneath his powerful rage.

"Take this you c*nt"
"Take this like the girl you are"
"This is all you're good for"
"All you're ever good for"
ďI f*cking hate you you piece of sh*tĒ

I know dad.

He's finally done, satisfied for this brief moment.
He leaves to clean up, to get ready for bed.

Is it safe to return now to this bleeding motionless body?
Heís gone so I guess I can but it hurts, it still hurts.
The blood comes time and again.
A reminder of what he just did to me.
A red reminder of the shame.
Is this all I'm good for? To be beaten and abused?
Is this all I'm good for? To be f*cked and discarded?
I guess so, itís all Iíve ever known and all Iíve ever been told so it must be true.

I huddle under the blanket for fear of what's to come
Fear of his return
I know itís never enough for him. He always wants more from me. I can never hide, never get away so I'm always available whenever the whim strikes
He told me this is the way the world works, he gets what he wants and I do as Iím told.
So I take what he gives
And try not to cry
And try not to die


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#277294 - 02/26/09 12:08 PM Re: it's never enough [Re: JBells]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
I cried when I read this. Such pain. This is not the way the world works. You deserved so much better than this.

I'm glad hyou are here, sharing, letting things out. We're here for you, happy to listen.

(((JB)))

Ken

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

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#277296 - 02/26/09 12:32 PM Re: it's never enough [Re: lars3229]
kb4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/20/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Saskatchewan,Canada
JB,
That's all I can do is cry for that little boy
I wish you well in your quest for healing
Kris


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#277306 - 02/26/09 01:21 PM Re: it's never enough [Re: JBells]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Quťbec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 01:45 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#278269 - 03/05/09 12:00 AM Re: it's never enough [Re: joelRT]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
JB...
I cant say a thing, you've touched my heart. My tears are for you and me and all the others who have gone through this ...

Be kind to the boy inside who felt the pain and know there is love out there for him too.

Let the Man know he is loved by many here.

you made it...here a safe and kind place filled with those who care and who love ...

Good healing JB...
Nomansanisland

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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