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#276461 - 02/21/09 05:38 PM Hurting...and thus trying to BS God
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
(Let it be known the re-awareness about my calling is newer here, as I was called over 10 years ago. SA awareness came up a year after that.)

I was praying a few nights ago, something I haven't done like that in a while. I was up for two hours in my garage listening, knowing God would speak. In my wondering what I have to go through to get to where God wants me, Malesurvivor came to mind. I haven't been here since last October. One of my biggest areas of hurt were in this area of sexual abuse. Because being fearful around guys, mostly physically, still brings to mind resentments.


I'm reading over "The Bait of Satan". It's purely about how offenses trap us, separate us, and bind us to those relationships and institutions that have hurt us. I have not forgiven my mother, and thus, I still get revenge on my Mom via my wife. Dammit, being aware of it right now ... just isn't fair!!

I read about Judas, and this is what scares me. He was compared to Peter, for they both abandoned Jesus, they both went out and evangelized, etc. Jesus sent twelve, not eleven. I'm like Judas because he did everything for himself, not because he loved God or wanted to really know him. Judas said "I have betrayed innocent blood", yet he had no clue who He was. I'm in a "I expect you, God, to do this for me. I want You to make me happy. I don't want to feel pain!". And thus, resentments breed.

Back to the point. I am called to be a missionary, I am proud of it (because other people might love me because of it), but don't even honestly KNOW AND CARE about the man called Jesus. I do everything for myself, not for anyone else. And the last time I dug in (in prayer a few nights ago), I was reminded I have healing, forgiving to do. And selfishly (and painfully), I don't want to. The pain has been so familiar, predictable. My gross, smelly, yet comfortable miserable wet diaper. And I'm disappointed in myself because I'm in pain and am the only one who can do anything about it.

That's whining. Coming back here brings fear because so much pain is expected to come back up. But I'm supposed to be here! Dammit, I don't want this pain. Loving God, being willing to die for Him, is something I can't do myself!! When is this going to change?! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE IN THE END. Unforgiveness is keeping everyone out and myself in, all alone.

Alfred

I'm sending this before I have time to delete/check/edit the truth.



Edited by fhorns (02/21/09 05:42 PM)

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#276475 - 02/21/09 07:25 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: fhorns]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Alfred,

"There is nothing we can do to make God love you more.
There is nothing we can do to make God love you less."
-----Philip Yancey,
-----from his book, "What's so Amazing about Grace?"

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#276477 - 02/21/09 07:55 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: Gerald2007]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Alfred,

Thank you for your honesty in your post, I can tell that was a pretty gut-wrenching thing to write and face. Some of those things you spoke of are things I'm still trying to face. I made a small step forward yesterday in my weekly men's group meeting at my church when we were each asked this: "What are you saying to God, and what is God saying to you?" My answer was a pathetic one - I said I spend most of the time apologizing to God for what I am, what I've done today, and that I don't hear him saying anything back. So right now, for months now actually, I feel detached, wondering what it's going to take to get some kind of rapport again, real, honest talk going.

Someone asked me recently whether I had ever talked to God about the abuse I went through in the past. I had never even considered doing that for some reason, I guess I already feel too shamed about it to do that. Which is probably contributing to this disconnect.

I don't know if you feel like this at well sometimes, but your post struck a chord with me. I hope it helps in someway to at least know you're heard and I feel the same way at times.

_________________________
Eddie

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#276478 - 02/21/09 08:04 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: Gerald2007]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
Gerald,
I (think I) know the person God is. In the last couple of years, I've learned He is unconditionally loving, accepting, and forgiving. But knowing this hasn't dealt with the pain. I'm scared, mad, and even wanting to take it out of his hands. You know, the "I'll do it alone. Being a Christian is too hard" mentality. How the f*** do I deal with that in my head? That is my sticking point. Believing He won't do anything scares me. Having to face and feel the pain does too. And again...how the f*** do I deal with that in my head? That's the battle.

I'm going off the core belief that I can f*** it up. Maybe it's Satan working me while I'm in a rant. Maybe. Pride attracts Satan like humility attacts the Holy Spirit (not my words)


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#276485 - 02/21/09 08:26 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
Eddie,

Thank you. It does feel good to know I'm not alone. I've always thought ministry can be the lonliest place to be and live, because (ta dum) it'll never be about me. God, it sucks to face that.

The Word says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed". I never really heard (that message) until last week. Confession to God is one thing, but confessing to one another is where the real healing comes in. Eddie, along those lines, I'm asking if you would pray for me.

Because this sucks.

Thank you.

Alfred


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#276592 - 02/22/09 02:06 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: fhorns]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: fhorns
The Word says "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed". I never really heard (that message) until last week. Confession to God is one thing, but confessing to one another is where the real healing comes in. Eddie, along those lines, I'm asking if you would pray for me.

Because this sucks.

Thank you.

Alfred


Indeed I will, Alfred, and I consider it an honor to do so. I could use your prayers as well. Heal well, man.

_________________________
Eddie

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#276600 - 02/22/09 02:28 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: EGL]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Alfred
Today we heard about the man who was paralyzed and lowered through the ceiling of the house where our lord was(Mk 2:1-12).
There could have been no miracle - Our Lord was helpless in that respect if there was no faith. The man was spiritually as well as physically paralyzed. it was not his faith that allowed Jesus to cure-- it was the faith of the four friends that lowered him to the feet of Christ that was the cause for the cure. Spiritual Paralysis is what we all feel sometimes -- but I see this website as the four friends willing to overcome ever obstacle to lower you down to the feet of our lord. To me the lonliness is the greatest obstacle we face when dealing with CSA. there are friends here -- who hold the rope for us --who have faith enough to supply what we are lacking.

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#277116 - 02/25/09 03:35 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: fhorns]
riveerboy Offline


Registered: 02/04/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Indiana
You may call me crazy. I am not sure. I am certainly not trying to make you angry. I've read your post and sit and reflect on how I was moved. And then how to respond.

To start with I have had conversations recently with a nun in Rome. What blew me away was her identifying God as a person. She related to Him that way. As if He were right before her.

I have always thought in terms of Him being a supreme being. Then to relate to Him as a person? I am having my difficulties there.

But. Now to what I was thinking....and I am not trying to ruffle any feathers here......... you had mentioned spending a couple hours praying. That in itself is powerful and meditative. My thoughts when reading the post was going into the garage with a pillow and setting it before you. Making it God in a literal sense???? To set it before you and begin to talk to it, to God, in a very conscious everyday manner. To let your feelings out, to speak and express them, not in a normal prayer, but a working prayer.

A verbal expression to another level of God, as if He were a person, for a moment. He would not mind. I could see Him being appreciative for you talking to Him in a new way. Relating in a new way.

I am not saying you should do this. It is just a suggestion and if you may not like it, someone else may be able to use the thought.

Good Luck......

Good Healings.......


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#277125 - 02/25/09 04:10 PM Re: Hurting...and thus trying to BS God [Re: riveerboy]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Hi Alfred,

Welcome back to M/S.
One ugly thing about being a csa survivor it never really goes away we just learn to deal with it in more healthy and less destructive ways.
One thing about trying to run away from your csa past no matter where we go it is always right there with you.
The sooner we accept this fact the sooner things can change.
No amount of self pity will change this truth for us.
You are not alone my friend. There are many like you here.
Reach out and take our hands and know that you too belong to the lost boys club.
We can help show you the way but only you can take flight in your own path of recovery.

Glad to see that you are ok.

Remember we are alone only if we choose to isolate ourselves.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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