Newest Members
Anony_mous, Drew6991x, Miro, jj843, The Abyss
12364 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
gryffindor (67), KevinSweeney (57), latinflavor815 (52), latin_flavor_815 (52), RTMark (33), sabooka (35), southpaw10 (46)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 16 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12364 Members
74 Forums
63546 Topics
443994 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#276999 - 02/24/09 10:32 PM Confronting your perp
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Just wondering if you confronted your perp and how that went? Did they admit to it and apologize? Did they deny it and tell you that you were making it up? Also do you think it helped you in your recovery?

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#277001 - 02/24/09 10:55 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: onlyakid]
lars3229 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 800
Loc: Iowa
Never have confronted him, but I know where he lives. Roadtrip anyone? laugh

lars

_________________________
You may trod me
in the very dirt
But still,
like dust,
I'll rise.

-Maya Angelou

"I quite often remember to forget these sorts of things."
-Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie

Top
#277003 - 02/24/09 11:01 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: onlyakid]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Yes, I did confront my perp after much thought and preperation on my part. It was a very difficult and stressfull process, and yes for me it has been a help in my recovery.

If you are interested, I would be happy to PM you with much more detail. I do not feel comfortable on this open forum telling many of the details/triggering effects it had on me.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#277008 - 02/24/09 11:16 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: KENKEN]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks Ken for now, I'll pass but if I deciede to do it, I will PM you

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#277018 - 02/25/09 12:22 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: onlyakid]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I wish that I could find the SOB. Because I have lived with the damage He caused most of my life

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#277024 - 02/25/09 12:45 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: OKIE MIKE]
nocona Offline


Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 33
Loc: western usa
Over the past 20 years I have confronted my dad a few times. He now at age 74 still will not own anything, and has only appologized for what, and I quote, "I perceive he did wrong." Does it frustrate me at times? ya sure. Is my recovery dependant on him or his admission? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I recover for me and no one else!! I stopped trying or talking with him years ago. - This is just me - but I had to confront him to learn that I don't need him to come clean for me to heal. It was a must process for me. It was hard and difficult as heck though.

_________________________
nocona

Top
#277026 - 02/25/09 01:06 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: nocona]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Several of my perps were unknown to me, and at least a couple are already deceased, but I got to see one of my perps squirm really good when my mother's book came out in 1997. In the preface of her book she wrote how several older boys who were family friends did certain generic things, and my one perp threatened to sue her to force her to change her writing even though he wasn't named. He made a bunch of noise then got laughed right out of court. I haven't heard a word since either.

I recently found another perp of mine living the high life in Burlington, VT. There is a photo of him on his brokerage firm's website. I always wanted to send him a tough voicemail. Guy is made of money and I wonder how much of it he would be willing to part with???

But the most-damaging perp of mine has remained a mystery. And the 2nd most-damaging drank himself to death more than 20 years ago. So confronting them is impossible. But as Nocona says, my recovery has not been dependent on confronting them. It was a good day for me when I heard that my one perp was going to sue, and an even better one when he was told that he had no case. Too bad there was a statute of limitations because he basically incriminated himself with his legal action. I know where he lives too.

Maybe someday I'll get even, though probably not. I hardly ever even think about them or what they did these days anyway.

You guys can get to that point too if you keep trying,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#277027 - 02/25/09 01:07 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: onlyakid]
jesusstrength Offline


Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 18
Loc: USA
thank you for all the help and guidance.


Top
#277041 - 02/25/09 04:36 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: onlyakid]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
Mine Died before I was old enough or strong enuf to confront him. My lifer would have gone down a whole lot different and probably darker path if I had been able to.


Top
#277141 - 02/25/09 05:22 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: nocona]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Wow...your DAD did that to you!? I AM SO SORRY!!!! WOW!

I confronted mine...he PUBLICLY denied it in an e-mail to the entire family on my dad's side (he is my dad's youngest brother).

He is in the Armed Forces fighting bravely for our great country...how reinforcing is THAT!?

I pray we ALL find a way to heal completely from what has happened. I still see it sometimes in my sleep....


Top
#277143 - 02/25/09 05:23 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Trucker51]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WHOA! What is the title of your mom's book and how can I get it!?

Mine is entitled "Boy 101: Weapons of MAN Destruction" and it will be out one day next week. It was hard to re-tell, even harder to re-live...but hopefully not as hard NOW to get over!!!


Top
#277145 - 02/25/09 05:27 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
pemac...can I ask you an honest question?

Does it make you feel better to know that your perp is dead? It sounds cruel to ask...but I just wonder if there is any sign of relief because he is not physically here for you to happen upon in a grocery store or at the next family outing...


Top
#277154 - 02/25/09 06:45 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Corbin327 Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
My first perp was my 6th grade teacher. It took me 15 years before I was able to come forward and say what happened. He was still teaching.

A friend of my mother recently told me she worked with him at a doctors office before she knew what he had done. I guess there had been stories circulated about him leaving his teaching job because there was speculation he had abused someone, or several someones. He denied it all and said he chose to resign since he couldn't take the 'false' accusations.

The other 2 perps I've never confronted. I spent a long time wishing for bad things on all of them, but eventually I learned to deal with and then let go of the hatred. That was an absolutely freeing day for me, and I hope others are able to reach it as well.

_________________________
The sacred lies in the ordinary

Top
#277165 - 02/25/09 08:06 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Corbin327]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WOW! So do you guys still (or ever) experience bitterness because they "got away with it"?


Top
#277206 - 02/25/09 09:57 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Corbin327 Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
Personally I am able to recognize that focusing on the bitterness never did me any good. I acknowledge that they were all horrible experiences, but they are in the past. I've learned from it and have done my best to finally move on. It feels like spending anymore time allowing my perps to direct my thoughts and emotions somehow feeds their past transgressions against me and continues to allow them to "get away with it."

I don't know if that makes any sense, but feel free to message me anytime if I can expand on it or help in any way.

_________________________
The sacred lies in the ordinary

Top
#277219 - 02/25/09 10:50 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Corbin327]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Not sure if it will happen but one goal I have for this year is to make contact with the peer involved with my situation. It would be part of a bigger healing I am working on I think. I know my situation may be different than others, but I was very highly pressured into acts that I didn't want to do and gave in only because I didn't know what else to do. My point is that this person my very well have believed all the garbage he was spewing my way trying to convince me to do things with him. He was very driven by something. There is a very good chance he was abused in his past, but I don't know. I just need (well really I would like) him to answer me some questions. I repressed what happened all through high school and into the start of college and once I remembered I fell apart. The acts were severe so the fact I repressed them meant I emotionally couldn't handle what happened; this wasn't stuff you forget for no reason. I just have some things I would like answered. If he answers my questions and expresses some sorrow at what happened, then I will probably forgive him and tell him to get on with things, but not first until he understands what my life has been like just so he knows it wasn't only fun and games. This is still in the works, but I'd like to do this sometime this year I think.

Eric


Top
#277244 - 02/26/09 12:28 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: ericc]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
My primary abuser was my father and he died four years before I had my first flashback. Two months before he died, in a drunken stupor he looked me in the face and said "I'm so, so sorry". I asked him about what (I didn't have a single memory of sexual abuse at that time). He looked at me, he stared at me and said you don't remember, you really don't remember? I said no but tell me and I will forgive you. He said he couldn't tell me. I told him he could tell me anything and that I loved him. He cried, gave me a hug and left. He died two months later of his third and final heart attack.

He sexually abused me for eight years from around five to about twelve. He initiated my brother into sexually abusing me and my brother continued abusing me on his own later. My dad also let two other men, that to this day I have no idea who they were, sexually abuse me in a cabin while next door my dad abused some other boy.

I'm glad he's dead. I don't know if I would have been able to recover my memories....or recover at all if he hadn't died yet. I don't really know how to process his expression of remorse - I can't really accept that "I'm so, so sorry" makes up for everything he did to me and let happen to me.

I don't know who the two men were so there's no chance of confronting them.

As for my brother - he's alive and well and clearly hasn't a single memory of any of the abuse as he's still living in the home in which it all occured. I've never disclosed to him about my memories. I don't think I will confront him - at this point I don't see what benefit there would be - he was acting out as Dad taught him to and in my oldest memory of my brother abusing me on his own he wasn't probably older than twelve and that was over twenty five years ago. My healing isn't dependent on him acknowledging my memories.

I've done a lot of tough exercises in therapy to visualize confronting my dad, perhaps down the road, if I need to, I will do the same about my brother. Who knows.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

Top
#277258 - 02/26/09 04:37 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
overcomer4life, thats a difficult question. The one that Died was one of 3, and the primary abuser. There were 2 others that jumped in, but only for one time. (I hope that made sense) but I'm really kind of torn between relief and rage over the fact that I will never be able to confront him. On one hand there is relief, I think because as an adult, the confrontation would have turned physical and nasty real fast. On the other, rage over not being able to look him in the eye and tell him what a sorry POS he is. The other 2 guys I looked for, but was never able to find. Thats probably for the best too. I'm coming to terms with all this and I think im content and at peace with the fact that in spite of all that went on, I made something of myself and I have a wonderful wife and great kids. That success I think is the best revenge, if you could call it that. None of the 3 were family members by the way. The primary guy was a neighbor that took advantage of the fact that my dad had left me and my mom so there was no man around the house. The other 2 were guys he hung around with.



Edited by pemac01 (02/26/09 04:38 AM)

Top
#277283 - 02/26/09 10:28 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Eric....beware man! It may not come out with an "i'm sorry" and a happily ever after ending. My confrontation ended with me and my dad in a fist fight, my uncle still denying it, my cousins SAYING they don't even remember, and now me and my sperm donor see each other at red lights (this happened recently) and look the other way.

Survivinguy....Dude! I love you and envy you all at the same time! Even though he was drunk, HE SAID HE WAS SORRY! Do you know how many years I have wanted to hear my dad's brother and all those who called me liars apologize!? At one time, I even started dating guys...not because I liked them, but because I knew the shame that it would bring to my family. When it happened my dad's mom called me a "lying faggot", so I became what she said...just to spite the family. Honestly!

Pemac....WOW! You have a wife and kids! That is my dream dude!!!! HOW!? I'm glad to see that someone else in this world came out with the happy ending that I would have liked to have. I am so envious, but we are still brothers in the struggle! LOL! If they make a manual for "how to move past molestation and snag a wife", let me know. I MUST HAVE A COPY! I dream of having 17 kids (long story) and I am already 36! Do you KNOW how much overtime I will have to work!? Geesh!!!!!!!!!

All of you are some amazing fellas....don't ever forget that!!!


Top
#277331 - 02/26/09 04:23 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My mom's book is an outgrowth of her Master's thesis, and is a look at spiritual healing from a religious perspective. Her Master's was in Theology from Boston University. The book is available for purchase from several sources like Amazon or some religious bookseller that I found. The title is: Healing? Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?" A Spiritual Answer, by Jamae W. van Eck. If you can find a first edition from 1996 they are worth more because that was before she made some changes to please a few other people. The writing that got my one abuser laughed out of court is on pgs xvii-xviii in the preface. The publisher is also selling the book at (800) 417-5220 or (800) 248-3250.

So if you are looking for a religious perspective of healing your abuse, this book might be for you. My mother is also a religious counselor.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#277349 - 02/26/09 07:45 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Trucker51]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
I confronted my dad. I basically had to in order to try to have a relationship with him.I wasn't aggressive, just wanted to talk it all out. He only remembered one time out of the many. I wish he could have been less defensive so that I could have learned more about him than I did. For a long time I blamed him for the results of his actions on me. Now I have a hard time carrying the blame very far. I'm sure he was also the victim of abuse that he was covering with alcohol. I'm not implying that makes it OK in anyway. I just know that he was a very complex person who did a lot of good and a lot of bad in my life. More than anything if I could change the past, I would change his childhood to a safe one that never brought on any of that pain.

I used to think confrontation was necessary as confrontation. Now I just see the need to have things talked out. In my case my dad destroyed our relationship, and I needed a dad, if even a crappy one. I wish he could have owned up to what he did the day after and just said, "son, I'm sorry." Then we could have had the talk when it might have helped both of us most. But instead it had to become a "dirty little secret." I think the secrecy is the most damaging thing of all.

Danny


Top
#277384 - 02/27/09 04:56 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
My wife and I met before I started to realize that I needed to see a T for what had heppened to me. I had some behavior that caused me to have 3 broken marrages before my current wife, and the same acting out almost cost me this one as well. She was ready to move on and we were haveing a serious talk about how we were going to divide our property when my acting out came up. She asked me why and I had no answer for her. She's in nurseing school and they had just been through some of the psych courses that she had to take so some of her alarm bells went off. I had written a letter to myself and to my T detailing all the things I had done wrong in our marrage and taking responsibility for them. I read it to her Then I finally admitted to her what had happened to me as a kid. The first person I had ever told since it had happened. It was the point that marked the beginning of a new start for me and also for our marrage. There is no formula that I'm aware of - lol.
It was just a pure luck chance that I even read the letter to her but it was the "magic button" I had needed to push to get her to take a 2nd look at us and want to make it work.
Im still not past all my issues yet but I'm working on it with her help. Dont give up whatever you do.


Top
#277393 - 02/27/09 09:11 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
Brother B+ Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 16
Loc: France
I confronted my dad, after not having talked to him in 21 years. I felt honestly like without him in my life, I was only breathing with one lung, even knowing what he had done, and that what he had done has screwed me for life, more or less. But he is still my dad, and I still love him.
Anyway, I wrote him after all those years and told him that I knew what he had done and that it had damaged me, made me mentally ill, etc.
His reply was that he doesn't remember doing what I said he did, but that he doesn't deny it and that he is sorry for any hurt he has called me. Yes, an unsatisfactory answer, but enough for me at the moment to continue to be in some kind of relationship with the man who is my father. I know that he, too, had been molested by his own father, and that he is a sick man, and therefore not fully responsible for all that he did. This doesn't stop me from being in horrible rages and hating what he did to me. But I don't hate him anymore... that's all in the past. I can hate what he did and how it affects me, but I don't hate him anymore.
I don't find that it affects my recovery negatively to have him in my life; in fact, I'd say rather that it helps to have at least said what I did. I know that someday a real confrontation with details and memories, etc., will come. For now, I am at peace with my dad, more or less. Until that day, there will be a hidden wall between us, until the day when he fully admits what he did and truly asks forgiveness for it.
But as a Christian, I felt that I had to make this step, to forgive him and be as at peace with him as I can be. Over twenty years without me in his life was a hard punishment.
I'd be glad to get feedback from you guys, if you'd like.

_________________________
"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted"
St Matthew 5:5

Sometimes I think milk and cookies are the ultimate comfort food!

Brother B+ Story

Top
#277409 - 02/27/09 10:54 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Brother B+]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WOW! You still LOVE him!? OOOOOOOUCH! I can not say that about my dad's brother. WOW! I admire you for that man.

Pemac...I am so jealous of you and your wife man! That is beautiful. She knew that you got "touched" as a kid and she still didn't RUN!? I have had some runners in my day! WOW!

Your story lets me know that what I seek IS possible...it's just a matter of when.

WOW!


Top
#277418 - 02/27/09 11:18 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
jesusstrength Offline


Registered: 02/16/09
Posts: 18
Loc: USA
overcomer, it very certainly is possible to have a relationship and move on with your life. It seems all the girls that I ever dated were victims as well. They just never spoke out to me about it nor did I. I would figure things out as the relationship would go on, but wouldn't say anything about neither.


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.