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#277143 - 02/25/09 05:23 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Trucker51]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WHOA! What is the title of your mom's book and how can I get it!?

Mine is entitled "Boy 101: Weapons of MAN Destruction" and it will be out one day next week. It was hard to re-tell, even harder to re-live...but hopefully not as hard NOW to get over!!!


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#277145 - 02/25/09 05:27 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
pemac...can I ask you an honest question?

Does it make you feel better to know that your perp is dead? It sounds cruel to ask...but I just wonder if there is any sign of relief because he is not physically here for you to happen upon in a grocery store or at the next family outing...


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#277154 - 02/25/09 06:45 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Corbin327 Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
My first perp was my 6th grade teacher. It took me 15 years before I was able to come forward and say what happened. He was still teaching.

A friend of my mother recently told me she worked with him at a doctors office before she knew what he had done. I guess there had been stories circulated about him leaving his teaching job because there was speculation he had abused someone, or several someones. He denied it all and said he chose to resign since he couldn't take the 'false' accusations.

The other 2 perps I've never confronted. I spent a long time wishing for bad things on all of them, but eventually I learned to deal with and then let go of the hatred. That was an absolutely freeing day for me, and I hope others are able to reach it as well.

_________________________
The sacred lies in the ordinary

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#277165 - 02/25/09 08:06 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Corbin327]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
WOW! So do you guys still (or ever) experience bitterness because they "got away with it"?


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#277206 - 02/25/09 09:57 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Corbin327 Offline


Registered: 04/29/08
Posts: 38
Loc: New York
Personally I am able to recognize that focusing on the bitterness never did me any good. I acknowledge that they were all horrible experiences, but they are in the past. I've learned from it and have done my best to finally move on. It feels like spending anymore time allowing my perps to direct my thoughts and emotions somehow feeds their past transgressions against me and continues to allow them to "get away with it."

I don't know if that makes any sense, but feel free to message me anytime if I can expand on it or help in any way.

_________________________
The sacred lies in the ordinary

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#277219 - 02/25/09 10:50 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: Corbin327]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
Not sure if it will happen but one goal I have for this year is to make contact with the peer involved with my situation. It would be part of a bigger healing I am working on I think. I know my situation may be different than others, but I was very highly pressured into acts that I didn't want to do and gave in only because I didn't know what else to do. My point is that this person my very well have believed all the garbage he was spewing my way trying to convince me to do things with him. He was very driven by something. There is a very good chance he was abused in his past, but I don't know. I just need (well really I would like) him to answer me some questions. I repressed what happened all through high school and into the start of college and once I remembered I fell apart. The acts were severe so the fact I repressed them meant I emotionally couldn't handle what happened; this wasn't stuff you forget for no reason. I just have some things I would like answered. If he answers my questions and expresses some sorrow at what happened, then I will probably forgive him and tell him to get on with things, but not first until he understands what my life has been like just so he knows it wasn't only fun and games. This is still in the works, but I'd like to do this sometime this year I think.

Eric


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#277244 - 02/26/09 12:28 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: ericc]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
My primary abuser was my father and he died four years before I had my first flashback. Two months before he died, in a drunken stupor he looked me in the face and said "I'm so, so sorry". I asked him about what (I didn't have a single memory of sexual abuse at that time). He looked at me, he stared at me and said you don't remember, you really don't remember? I said no but tell me and I will forgive you. He said he couldn't tell me. I told him he could tell me anything and that I loved him. He cried, gave me a hug and left. He died two months later of his third and final heart attack.

He sexually abused me for eight years from around five to about twelve. He initiated my brother into sexually abusing me and my brother continued abusing me on his own later. My dad also let two other men, that to this day I have no idea who they were, sexually abuse me in a cabin while next door my dad abused some other boy.

I'm glad he's dead. I don't know if I would have been able to recover my memories....or recover at all if he hadn't died yet. I don't really know how to process his expression of remorse - I can't really accept that "I'm so, so sorry" makes up for everything he did to me and let happen to me.

I don't know who the two men were so there's no chance of confronting them.

As for my brother - he's alive and well and clearly hasn't a single memory of any of the abuse as he's still living in the home in which it all occured. I've never disclosed to him about my memories. I don't think I will confront him - at this point I don't see what benefit there would be - he was acting out as Dad taught him to and in my oldest memory of my brother abusing me on his own he wasn't probably older than twelve and that was over twenty five years ago. My healing isn't dependent on him acknowledging my memories.

I've done a lot of tough exercises in therapy to visualize confronting my dad, perhaps down the road, if I need to, I will do the same about my brother. Who knows.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#277258 - 02/26/09 04:37 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
pemac01 Offline


Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 25
Loc: Texas
overcomer4life, thats a difficult question. The one that Died was one of 3, and the primary abuser. There were 2 others that jumped in, but only for one time. (I hope that made sense) but I'm really kind of torn between relief and rage over the fact that I will never be able to confront him. On one hand there is relief, I think because as an adult, the confrontation would have turned physical and nasty real fast. On the other, rage over not being able to look him in the eye and tell him what a sorry POS he is. The other 2 guys I looked for, but was never able to find. Thats probably for the best too. I'm coming to terms with all this and I think im content and at peace with the fact that in spite of all that went on, I made something of myself and I have a wonderful wife and great kids. That success I think is the best revenge, if you could call it that. None of the 3 were family members by the way. The primary guy was a neighbor that took advantage of the fact that my dad had left me and my mom so there was no man around the house. The other 2 were guys he hung around with.



Edited by pemac01 (02/26/09 04:38 AM)

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#277283 - 02/26/09 10:28 AM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: pemac01]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Eric....beware man! It may not come out with an "i'm sorry" and a happily ever after ending. My confrontation ended with me and my dad in a fist fight, my uncle still denying it, my cousins SAYING they don't even remember, and now me and my sperm donor see each other at red lights (this happened recently) and look the other way.

Survivinguy....Dude! I love you and envy you all at the same time! Even though he was drunk, HE SAID HE WAS SORRY! Do you know how many years I have wanted to hear my dad's brother and all those who called me liars apologize!? At one time, I even started dating guys...not because I liked them, but because I knew the shame that it would bring to my family. When it happened my dad's mom called me a "lying faggot", so I became what she said...just to spite the family. Honestly!

Pemac....WOW! You have a wife and kids! That is my dream dude!!!! HOW!? I'm glad to see that someone else in this world came out with the happy ending that I would have liked to have. I am so envious, but we are still brothers in the struggle! LOL! If they make a manual for "how to move past molestation and snag a wife", let me know. I MUST HAVE A COPY! I dream of having 17 kids (long story) and I am already 36! Do you KNOW how much overtime I will have to work!? Geesh!!!!!!!!!

All of you are some amazing fellas....don't ever forget that!!!


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#277331 - 02/26/09 04:23 PM Re: Confronting your perp [Re: overcomer4life]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My mom's book is an outgrowth of her Master's thesis, and is a look at spiritual healing from a religious perspective. Her Master's was in Theology from Boston University. The book is available for purchase from several sources like Amazon or some religious bookseller that I found. The title is: Healing? Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?" A Spiritual Answer, by Jamae W. van Eck. If you can find a first edition from 1996 they are worth more because that was before she made some changes to please a few other people. The writing that got my one abuser laughed out of court is on pgs xvii-xviii in the preface. The publisher is also selling the book at (800) 417-5220 or (800) 248-3250.

So if you are looking for a religious perspective of healing your abuse, this book might be for you. My mother is also a religious counselor.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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