Other people can pick-up on certain signals that we all project, like body language, demeanor, happiness vs sadness, physical appearance, and eye-contact to name a few. For most of the relatively normal types it isn't too hard to pick-up and try to avoid people who exhibit too many negative signals. In a worst-case scenario, it isn't too hard for experienced perps to pick-up these signals either. This tends to somewhat explain the reason behind why kids are sometimes repeatedly victimized by different perps over time. Thinking back, in my own case, I exhibited a lot of these problems and I was victimized by 11 different CSA perps over time.
Is there really anything out there for you??? YES. Michael Banks left his baggage that he had been carrying with him his entire life on the side of the road just yesterday, just as I had done myself nine years ago. The challenge of recovery is to deal with your past and then gradually let it go. Once you have accomplished that goal your confidence in yourself and your abilities will begin to grow and you will come to think a lot more positively about yourself. Once you have recovered your self-esteem just about anything is possible including finding healthy consensual adult intimacy, which we all crave as humans.
You are at the beginning of the recovery road to self-discovery and somewhere along that road you will leave your past behind too.
Have hope and keep trying and coming back. You are worth it.
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark