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#276762 - 02/23/09 10:27 AM Confusion as child from the abuse?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I'm wondering if any of you had experienced sexual identity confusion as a child/adolescent because you became aroused during the abuse.

Did you think it "made you gay" or did the perpetrator imply or say that you were because of the arousal?

Ken


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#276763 - 02/23/09 10:44 AM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
.



Edited by joelRT (03/15/09 02:04 AM)
Edit Reason: leaving
_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#276787 - 02/23/09 03:12 PM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: joelRT]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ken: (May be ***Triggering*** to some)

I wouldn't say that my earlier abuse was that way. Up until the age of 14 mostly my abuse was just fondling, though some of it was painful and my body responded to the stimuli. From age 14 onwards, the abuse got more violent and my body responded to the stimuli to the point of ejaculation on several occasions. I was only raped twice, and both times were violent assaults, the first one part of a week-long misadventure that occurred three weeks before I turned 15 when my parents left me with a guy from their church, and the other a month after I turned 18 by a guy that picked me up when I was hitchhiking home from work. During the later assault I was tied-up and severe genital pain was inflicted on me too, something that I seemed to almost enjoy a few years later with another survivor while we were under the influence of injected cocaine. My week-long assault in Vermont at age 16 was extreme physical violence combined with violent and painful fondling and sexual battery, and my body did respond to that stimuli despite the pain and fear of several assaults.

I guess that my consensual relationships between the age of 14 and my mid 20s were bisexual, and I felt all of them were initiated by someone else that wanted to have sex with me. My longest consensual relationship during that period was the gay/pain/revictimization type of relationship that a close friend/fellow survivor initiated while we were high on IV cocaine. I still had a few one night or few night hetero relationships during that period, and I still remember how hard it was breaking-up with my former friend a year later. Not only did we end the sexual relationship, but also the close friendship that had existed up until the relationship turned sexual. I also had two gay one-nighter's at 21 and 22, when someone else wanted to have sex with me and for whatever reason I couldn't seem to say no. Both of these were under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol too, and in both cases I felt so used and worthless afterwards. I guess that they could be viewed as somewhat abusive also, and my inability to say NO and submissive reaction was because of my earlier abuse.

After my mid-20s my relationships were exclusively hetero, though I did struggle with gay bdsm and young adult gay porn too, along with the fact that I seemed attracted to younger guys on the street. Part of the problem was the fact that more and more of my male friends kept moving into healthy adult intimate relationships and I ended-up moving toward younger and younger friends as my later teens and 20s wore on. For instance, I still have a very close friend in Michigan who I lived next door to when I was 25 and he was 18. It was not a sexual relationship though I was attracted to him when he was younger. Perhaps I didn't try to take the relationship sexual because of loosing my other friend shortly before that. My other friend was two years younger than I was when our relationship started in our early 20s. In fact, I was invited to the 30th high school reunion of the graduating class that was 2 years younger than I was because I had been friends with a fair number of those guys.

My problem was initiating sexual contact. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to do it no matter who I was attracted to. Sex for me was something that other people wanted to do to me right up until my days with my crackwhore girlfriends of the early and mid 1990s, when they volunteered their bodies for another few hits of crack. A couple of them were into being abused for crack, and that seemed to fit right in to what was afflicting me. After I was involved with the one that was the most into getting abused for crack, she found a guy who also abused her teenage son to feed her crack habit, and she did serve some jail time for that. Thankfully, my last crackwhore engagement was almost 10 years ago now, during one of my last relapses in Minnesota.

I might have stayed clean after my 2nd trip to Hazelden, and did stay clean for 7 months, but one of my allegedly "sober" roommates in my sober house was a coke dealer who had followed a couple of his customers to Minnesota from Washington, D.C, and had masqueraded as an addict just so that he could ruin their recoveries when they all got out of drug treatment into the St. Paul sober community. He was co-facilitating an AA meeting and bragging about his year of sobriety when I first met him by moving into the sober house that he was living in. Just one of the pitfalls of drug treatment that I had to find out about the hard way, I guess. After he and I parted ways he managed to ruin the recoveries of several more Hazelden grads, one permanently. I last talked to Nick a couple of years ago on the phone, and it seemed like his life had gone way south since I had last seen him in 1999.

So I guess that it could be said that my abuse from age 14 onward contributed to some sexual-identity confusion in my own experience, and even though I left many of my problems behind some years ago now, I still find myself visually-attracted on occasion to youthful beauty no matter what sex it is. But I am a married man these days with a nice house in the suburbs and an awful lot to lose, with no desire to ruin everything that I have worked so hard for. Plus I do have several mentoring-type of relationships, where relatives and friend's sons look up to me for friendly guidance and/or Christmas gifts, that there is no possible way that I would attempt to take beyond friendly, concerned, and helpful because I am trying to protect them from what happened to me too.

Hope that this helps you Ken. Yes, some sexual-identity confusion was the result of my abuse and for a time I thought that I was bisexual. My direction since my mid-20s has been more towards active hetero and passive bisexuality to the point where I am happily in my 2nd marriage with almost all of my bisexual thoughts a distant memory. Any time I have contact with a younger person it is in a mentoring/nurturing/educational role and also in an attempt to protect them from harm.

Your comments are welcome. Sorry for the length, it is just something that I seem to be good at.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#276798 - 02/23/09 04:55 PM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: Trucker51]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
*potentially triggering*



I think during my abuse I was for the most part too young to
fully grasp what was happening to get aroused from it. The abuse lasted for years, but it wasn't until my cousin started practicing oral sex on me (and I believe he made me try it on him at least once), masturbating in front of me explicitly, or attempting to sodomize me that I began thinking something was very wrong about what was going on. Those weren't things that boys were supposed to be doing to each other, at least not in my mind at 9 or 10 years old. Before all of that happened there was a lot of fondling and some frotteurism, which was initiated by him, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. My cousin had led me to believe that that was kind of like a special handshake between the two of us.


Anyways, at about the age of ten I told my parents what was going on, and everything stopped after that point, but some of the things said during the abuse left an imprint on me that most definitely confused the crap out of me at the onset of puberty, and then again this past year.

One of the reasons I'm posting here is because after about two months of feeling amazing and so much better, I freaked out when I was making out with a drunk girl this weekend, and I was sober and couldn't say "maybe we better wait to talk about this until tomorrow." I did thankfully have the conscience to not sleep with her, because she was drunk, I wasn't, and I can't take advantage of people like that. As a result, my brain has now suddenly decided that since I didn't hop into bed with her I must be gay. Although I don't personally believe this, it has made me review a LOT of my personal history and is making me question and do the entire back and forth thing where I don't know, so I figured I'd write some of this down and then I saw this topic.


Anyways, since my cousin was a close friend at the time, I believed at that time that exposing yourself or playing with your own or your friends genitals must have been normal. Mind you at that time I didn't have any friends at school, because I was an outcast, which has stuck with me for a long time. So it was that year in fourth grade when the abuse was just about to end/just ended that I met my best friend. This kid to this day is basically my brother, and his Mom still refers to me as her second son. But in the beginning, and thank god this kid said "No" I would ask him to do stuff my cousin had done with me, minus the oral sex/masturbation/sodomy stuff. After he had said no, I thought that maybe that wasn't something boys were supposed to do with their friends. Several months later when I realized that my cousin had been trying to have sex with me, I got scared in health class that I might have contracted AIDS, I told my parents, and my Dad was furious and told me what a pervert my cousin was and he was a sicko and blah blah blah. Although that may have been an attempt to make me feel better, I instead began believing that things like masturbation and the like were things that perverts did, and if I engaged in any of them it would be bad, perverted, etc and so on.

The second issue from that was that as a nine year old I obviously was not as well endowed as my cousin, who was at the time twelve or thirteen and had already started to undergo puberty. He masturbated in front of me only once or twice, but that is one of the most vivid memories I have of the entire experience. He told me that his ability to do that and ejaculate meant that he was a man, and so I equated masturbation and being able to ejaculate with being manly. Also, since I viewed him as being well endowed then (and I think he probably actually was, but I don't know, and I sure as hell don't feel like asking) I thought that I also had to be that well endowed, and that started a bizarre obsession with people's penis sizes and the like, which thank god after therapy and time has faded away. That was a real mind fuck though, especially at puberty.


So in synopsis, here I am at this point in my prepubescent state, thinking that once I started puberty and all that other stuff that comes along on the "magical journey" I would have to go through all this stuff, my penis would be huge, I would magically out of the blue just start having sex with random girls who approached me (no idea where that came from, wishful thinking maybe?), but I couldn't masturbate because that was perverted (and believe me I tried, even though i was what, nine or ten at the time. I just sat there and figured if I thought hard enough I'd ejaculate) and had this really weird obsession with penises.

On top of that, I was an outcast in most of elementary, middle, and high school, so I was routinely called "fag" and singled out for bullying by most of the kids I went to school with in my small town (my graduating class was 203 kids, not the smallest, but pretty small), even though physically I was bigger and probably coulda squished most of them. That aside, I finally figured out the whole masturbation thing in sixth grade, and by then I didn't really care if it made me perverted or not, cause it was just this overwhelming urge (read:hormones) and it bugged me all the time. So pretty soon that became borderline compulsive behavior (every day several times a day, and sometimes until it started to hurt). Fantasies in the beginning were basically focused on me and visualising myself being better endowed for lack of a better word. I would also think about sex in the fantasies, even though I had no idea what a vagina looked like, I knew how sex was supposed to work. Those sex fantasies never involved me though, just disembodied organs doing the thing or some perfect vision of somebody I knew who I wanted to be like and whatever girls I knew personally who I found attractive.

Well it didn't take long before, being frustrated at my lack of dates and constantly being called gay, I started to wonder. After all, I had done a bunch of shit with my cousin back down the road that definitely fit the bill, and there were times at the camp I went to when the other kids in the cabin would do a "show me yours and I'll show you mine" type thing and I got an erection (happened the first time between 4th and 5th grade, and I was NOT happy about it). There was also this billboard you could see if you watched TRL on MTV that showed a guy in underwear who was ripped and seemed very well endowed (underwear model, of course) and it just so happened that that was the kind of guy I wanted to be so badly. Why I got aroused to this I don't know, but I think there's definitely a pattern stemming from what I expected myself to be after the abuse, this idealized ripped muscle dude with a huge penis.

As I got older and got into high school I knew that I was into girls and wanted a girlfriend. I didn't want to date guys, but I would fantasize about the people who ragged on me all the time having sex with each other, god only knows why. Victimization maybe? Maybe a mental coping strategy to efemminize them so I could feel better about myself, who knows. Either way it's clear to me now that my sexuality was warped and definitely not what I would consider a normal healthy sexual development, heterosexual or homosexual. That would expand to friends I knew who I thought were better looking than me having sex with each other or girls I knew, just really bizarre stuff. About that time I started thinking to myself "maybe this has something to do with what happened" but I just kinda went "well whatever, I'll probably grow out of it". By the last semester of my senior year I was experimenting with solo masturbation porn (typically male, because I didn't call it experimenting if it involved women). Even with that though I felt that it was abuse related, not my true sexuality. It turns out that I was more or less correct, because after a lot of EMDR my desire to watch that kind of porn has faded, along with similar fantasies. The few times I did watch it after the EMDR to see what happened, I didn't feel aroused, it was like I was just watching something, no big deal. That was a good sign for me, but anyways, back to the confusing stuff.


By the end of high school I wasn't getting seriously involved with girls, but the summer before my freshman year of college I had at least finally kissed a bunch of girls and knew DAMN sure that I liked that an awful lot. Some of my weird sexual behaviors like my need to shave off as much of my body hair as I could, my "attraction" to younger boys (this gave me a lot of grief, I couldn't believe I was having thoughts like that, that one was so bad to me that it actually disappeared on it's own LONG before I went into therapy) and my fantasizing about my friends having sex with girls I liked or themselves were gone. Not long after that I entered my first relationship with a girl, which has been the only one to date. At first I thought that she wasn't so ugly I wouldn't consider dating her, and her personality was a really good fit for me because she was laid back and not imposing. I liked being with her before we had sex, because we would make out and it would always get me going, but the both of us were virgins, and I was very eager, and she wanted to wait and make me work for it. Needless to say, I got bored with making out pretty quickly. Fast forward to the first time we had sex, and she was emotional, not into it cause it hurt, and since she wasn't enjoying herself I didn't enjoy it either. On top of that it was like I just went numb when it came down to it. Here was this naked female in front of me, something I had seen on the internet in movies and pictures, and I was just numb to it. Didn't know what to make out of it. So that was a bummer. That was also when I realized that I can't seem to get aroused from oral sex, which I believe is related to the incidents with my cousin. That's been the pattern since that relationship broke up as well. The second time we had sex was MUCH better, at least for me, but overall I thought it was over too fast, and I still kind of had to hold myself back because I didn't want it to hurt her at all. After that night I devoted myself to studying all these different ways I could please her sexually, and like a typical bone headed 18 year old completely ignored her emotional needs, all because I didn't want to be that sketchy college kid at her senior prom. Stupid huh? Anyways, we went out for a while after that, but there wasn't any sex, and that really irritated me. I was looking forward to making this girl feel so good she was going to want to explode or something, idk. Needless to say when we broke up, it was both frustrating, but also good in a way. I was frustrated cause I had nobody to have sex with, and I had a lot of studying saved up for that. On the other hand, a purely sexual relationship wouldn't have lasted anyways, and I noticed that after she felt that we were more committed to each other after loosing our virginities to each other, she let herself go, and I wasn't finding myself as attracted to her as I used to.


A few months later, the gay porn experiments came back, my pot smoking habit increased, and I became more and more socially isolated. This lasted until the following summer, between my sophomore and junior year of college. By the end of that summer I decided to quit messing around with gay porn because it was just confusing me, and I didn't really have any attraction to any of my male friends. I figured then that since I most likely wasn't gay, there was no point in obsessing over it and being terrified of being homosexual. That next semester was awesome, I lived my life normally and had a great time, until the end of the semester. I hooked up with a BOMBSHELL, and that one night involved a lot of making out and dry humping, but nothing further. She was an amazing kisser, and apparently she didn't think I was half bad either. The next day I had three humongous hickeys on my neck and chest, and she had four. Also, unlike my ex, she liked it a little bit rough. Not crazy rough, but not so gentle that I felt like I would break her if I wasn't careful. So that made me pretty happy, we exchanged numbers, and there was talk at the end of the night of dating. Needless to say when she called the next day and said she wasn't interested because she had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn't ready for another just yet, I took it personally, that something was wrong with me. Over the following winter break I went back to experimenting with gay porn, and this time I was so distressed about it that I would have bad dreams about it and was consciously depressed and distracted by it. That was last year. In March I got outrageously high, had a three day long panic attack, and was so terrified of thinking I was gay that I went to my Mom and Dad, seperatley, and told them everything again, about why I was freaking out and the abuse.

When I told my Dad, he asked if I wanted to go find my cousin and then he and I could make him swallow his own teeth. I thought that it wouldn't do any good to get violent, let alone confront him since that had already happened once.

Mom recalled that I had told her, but thought that my cousin was only making sexually suggestive remarks. I chock that one up to a coping strategy, I remember I had told her everything, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, her response as a therapist and a social worker was "listen, you had always said you were lonely and wished you had a girlfriend before. Your sister and I both knew you had crushes on a bunch of different girls, even though never told us and would get mad if we asked (idk why to this day I got defensive about this, if you have any ideas I'd love to hear em). Furthermore, I never ever thought you were gay, and I still don't think you are ( I asked her ). I think you've taken you're loneliness and that awareness of what happened between you and your cousin and mixed them together, taking two separate things and accidentally confusing them for something else". After that, I felt like twelve million tons of stress had disappeared from my shoulders. That was only temporary though, and I went back to my mom, got some contact numbers, and got myself into therapy.

That was about a year ago to date, and in that time I have come to the point where I believe and identify as straight, as many of the behaviors that I thought meant I was homosexual have dissapeared. On days when I get depressed, the thoughts are still there, but the desire and urges to act out are gone. It is the re-examining of the past that's bothering me now, as well as my inability to allow myself to get close or intimate with girls, as well as my difficulty in approaching them. As a result, I feel like a nervous 13 year old in the body of a 21 year old.

As far as the sexual confusion, I have come to see a very clear connection between it and my abuse. I believe if the abuse hadn't happened, my sexual development would have been a lot healthier and normal, regardless of what my orientation would have been. Since I was always looking for girlfriends and wanting them in elementary school, middle school, and some of high school before I lost hope and confidence in my ability to get a girl, I believe that's what my true orientation has always been, and I've been reconstructing that.

Another factor that allowed me to settle on that orientation is that over the past year, even though it caused me a lot of stress, I told myself that I had to be honest, and that if I was actually gay I would embrace it and do what I had to do to adjust to it. The further I went in therapy, the less likely it became, and even now when I am questioning it, there is no desire or impulse that would make me believe I'm gay, so that was that. If you've heard of Kinsey and Klein, I would say I'm somewhere on that scale between straight and bi. I'm not exclusively evenly bisexual, but after everything I've been through in life I don't think I can say that I'm 100% completely straight. I think Kinsey classifies that as a 1 or 2, with 0 being exclusively straight, 3 being evenly bisexual, and 6 being exclusively homosexual.


For me, getting over that issue was probably the most central one. To me it was the most confusing and distressing one to me, as it was the one that was constantly hurled at me as an insult throughout my school years. In my EMDR, I never had a hangover where I felt angry after a session in which I discussed my orientation. The appointment after that when I felt that it was time to move on I instead uncovered a cognition that if I stood up for myself, I would be punished, and that proved to be much more powerful and deeply routed, so I view the sexual confusion issue as one that was a distraction from the larger, potentially more painful issues. Hope that helps, and as always if you have any comments on that small novel there I'd love to hear them.


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#277363 - 02/26/09 10:25 PM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: AndyS87]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
I don't think I'll be able to match your guy's posts for length, but here is my input:

My situation involved a peer at 13 or 14. I was pressured into doing things I didn't want to do. There was probably a total of three or four times things happened. The sexual acts were severe if I can use that term (it was more than touching).

I had never had any thoughts about doing this with another guy, and honestly the idea of it when presented to me was of no interest (in fact, I was scared by the proposition). I had seen another boy perform oral sex on another boy in a locker room in like 2nd or 3rd grade (he basically just put his penis in his mouth) and knew it was a stupid idea then.

As best I can remember, I repressed everything all through high school. But I can see in retrospect that I was doing things as defense mechanisms in defense of my "manhood". I see now that on some level I was very insecure about myself, and full of anxiety. I am quite certain just below the surface I was very scared about what happened.

When I remembered I slipped very deeply into that "I am / Am I gay" type thinking. It wasn't that I was attracted to men or boys, though admittedly when I was down I saw traits in males that I thought I lacked and would feel insecure about. I guess all I can say is that I struggled with this for a long time, and since I was unable to face and deal with what happened it was a big part of my life.

Today I can say with certainty that I am straight, though I too would probably fall somewhere right of that Kinsey 0. I'm pretty certain I will not engage in any same sex activities because I am just not interested. I am gaining my self-esteem back and hope to be able to get back where I can enjoy the company of females. My attractions are certainly there. But, yeah I struggled for a long time with this because I didn't deal with what happened. As far as my high school years go, had my mind/soul not exerted "super human" means of repression, I am certain those years would have been full of questioning and doubt as well.

Eric

P.S. Andy, I can relate to what you said about not wanting anyone to know about girls you liked or wanting to talk about it. I'm not so sure of the reason of why as well, but I never felt good with my family and sharing my emotions so for me that may have been part of it.


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#277458 - 02/27/09 04:05 PM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: ericc]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ken,

As a teen and throughtout my early twenties I had alot of fear that my sexual abuse at the hands of my fifth grade teacher would condemn me to being homosexual. These thoughts were in no way connected to what Mr.C said about what he was doing to me. Because he never talk about it,sort of like if we don't talk about it,it is not really happening.
My fears were the result of not having anyone to talk about what happened to me and the pleasure I felt as I was being abused. The isolation that I lived in because of my abuse trapped me in the sexual confusion I felt as a young adult.
To me since I got some pleasure and enjoyment from being stimulated sexually by Mr C. it most some mean that I liked it. Which I figured must make me gay at some level. I did not grasp the aspect that I was being victimized only the fact at times it was sexually exciting.
It created in me alot of difficultly in being sexual in my young adulthood. And until I was 20 or 21 I confined my sexually to masturbation and porn. I still have a hard time with being comfortable in an intimate situation with another person. It always takes for time for me to be comfortable with someone touching me sexually or intimate matter.

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#277509 - 02/27/09 09:11 PM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: michael banks]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
*** Trigger Warning ***

Ken,

Dr. Wizenhimer seems to think that you are born with an assigned sexual identity and csa has nothing to do with changing that fact...

That being said...I believe (after alot of soul searching) I was born straight and my csa has pulled my into the realm of bisexuality. (I identify straight and twisted, backing away from straight with bi-sex tendencies). I can't really prove this, as my sexuality was disrupted/short curcuited between the ages of six and seven.

This all brings me back to the wow moment when I was reading, "Speaking our Truth" It said basically that..."He realised he BOTH hated and loved his brother for binding...corsetting and screwing him"...."he had taken the abuse and eroticised it".

Get that...don't know what to do with it...but I get it...!!!

So to answer part one of your question...because of the fact that my unkle was married to my aunt...(i.e. that he was straight) made me odd man out...ergo, I must be gay or somehow denying or repressing my gayness.

Weirdly enough and looking back... when it first started happening he snuck into my room and initiated doing oral sex on me, way before I started doing oral sex on him...(and with this logic, I guess that would make him gay before me). Blank when the transition occured.

Part two of the question..I can't rememember him ever implying or saying anything period...!!!

The hands always told me what to do or where to go. Gentle caressing hands at first, that later led to gagging. he really got off on that...(especially when he....),which just led to more and more...and in the end...sickly enough...my body and mind BOTH hated and loved being perped.

For sure...absolutely positively sick and twisted (but that is my truth)...Welcome to the monkey house...!!!


Can You See the Real Me? (Wasp)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#277555 - 02/28/09 05:32 AM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: 1islandboy]
Bruce1000 Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 11
Loc: United States
I have been in a Deep Depression for about a week now. I was abused as a boy and a Teen, both Sexually and Physically. I spent years thinking I was GAY. I thought I had all this licked, when one night I was watching some Youtube Videos. I clicked on to one and It a video about 2 young men forcing another young man to have oral sex. For some reason I felt like I was a teen again and I began to shed few tears. It hurt. I spoke to my Pschyologist about the incident and he gave me the same old Pschyco-bable. I am still attracked to Younger guys, but I deal differently now.
Thanks for the stories.



Edited by Bruce1000 (02/28/09 05:38 AM)
Edit Reason: mispelled words
_________________________
Our years are as the falling leaves-we live we love we dream, and then we go. But somehow we keep hoping don't we that our dreams come true on that Brighter Day.
.........Opening to old radio serial BRUGHT DAY (1948-1956)

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#277562 - 02/28/09 08:46 AM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: Bruce1000]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Bruce
When we were boys and were csa by a man
the b*s**rd set an automatic link between a man and sexual arousal
he had no right to activate
it's the nature of being violated
I call it unwanted same sex attraction
it's a battle worth fighting to resist it
and develop new asociations
I also find I have to watch where I look
looks set us guys off
its a male thing

hope my thoughts help

ah ... we all have struggles and pain
but we encourage eachother to work throough it

Nathan

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#277564 - 02/28/09 09:29 AM Re: Confusion as child from the abuse? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Ken
my understanding is my perps set off involuntary unwanted same sex attraction.
there were times when I was asked if I am gay. My answer is no as I have not embraced a gay lifestyle.

I struggle and confess to (at times) entertaining
same sex attraction but the latter is a left over from the involuntary stuff - i had no idea what was influencing me.
Now I know I am able to process it

I have flash backs

I think it's mostly wanting to talk with survivors who understand me

there is too much pressure from gays - some taunt me
question my sincerity if I say I am not gay

It creats a pressure which slows progress. I find.

I talk with gays and appreciate their position
I would just like a bit of space in return

and my choice respected.

the choice to reject ssa and be hetro

Nathan


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