A hundred years ago, when I was in my 20s, I recall times when I would bash myself as a relating technique. My motives for doing so were clear to me: if I do it, others won't. Most of the time that worked. On rare occasion, it backfired. I don't know if it was the same motive for you as it was for me. I just know I hated who I was, and was hasty to beat anyone else to the punch, emtionally-speaking.

A lot of time is needed to overcome the effects of abuse, especially where self-worth is concerned. Taking a compliment? Out of the question. Giving me a gift? Ok, but you really shouldn't have. I mean really.

I don't where along the way I learned that this technique was no longer good for me, but I did somewhere. Though I still hit myself internally from time to time, there is no name-calling. There is honest acknowledgement of a mistake now and then. Things are gonna happen. Do I have to repent in ashes and sackcloth? At times yes, but not to the point of making myself lower than whale dung in the social midst of it all.

Does any of this resonate with you?

Andy

Years ago and not so many years ago, I used to slap myself upside of my head while I was yelling at myself how stupid I was, which was kind of like continuing what my dad had once done. I got away from it gradually as my self-esteem began to improve following my 2nd month at Hazelden in 1997.

And then my dad died in 1999 and he didn't live to see all of the progress that I have made since then.

And now when things don't go so well I still get a little upset from time to time, but most of the time I just try to laugh it off, instead of always trying to blame someone else or taking it out on myself so hard.

You want to borrow a good self-esteem book, I have one here at the house that I am not using.

Mark

Andy, it resonates a lot with me, thanks for posting this.

"My motives for doing so were clear to me: if I do it, others won't."
I couldn't agree more. I think I use the same technique, a lot lately. It's easier to bash myself than face the problem. And If I bash myself hard enough, no one else should need to do it, right?

"I just know I hated who I was, and was hasty to beat anyone else to the punch, emtionally-speaking."
Been there too lately. SOmeone recently asked my why i was so unwilling to let others love me. I asked them how they could possibly love me when I can't even love myself.

"At times yes, but not to the point of making myself lower than whale dung in the social midst of it all."
Never thought of it that way, I tend to resonate with the word worthless every time I screw up enough to go on a "me bashing" spree.

I'd welcome any thoughts on it. I know I need to stop beating myself up, just can't seem to stop doing it.

Thanks for the post Andy.

lars

Andy,

I can relate to what you are talking about here as well.
For me it has been one of the most difficult things to address in my recovery. But one of the most important and rewarding things when you face and deal with it's reprussions it has on your life.

That inner voice that had always lived inside of me. Whose negativity was a constant internal remindered of what a worthleess peice of shit I believed myself to be. The one whom demanded constant and unrelenting perfection of my self. The voice who never missed even the most minor of mistakes.

The freedom that I have found in my ability to recognize this interanal demon. To be able to silence the constant stream of self-abusive bullshit. To recognize that there is not an ounce of truth to what it is trying to tell me.

Now when it rears it's ugly head I know that there is an issue that needs to be addressed in my life.

Today that voice has no power over my life.

"Silence the sweet sounds of freedom."

Mike

now that's what i call fakin it till you make. making it to the other side. sounds like you have arrived andy. and we get to share the benefits of all your years of struggle.

lucky us. :-)

ron

"The voice who never missed even the most minor of mistakes."

Now that is well-put, Michael. In the midst of all this self-bashing there never seems room for praise or forgiveness of self, but make one flawed move and the hellfire and brimstone comes out of nowhere.

Whenever I catch someone calling themself stupid or some other bashing term, I playfully tell them "Don't make me put on my counselor's hat." That's my signal to them they do not need to be walking on them.

A

It does resonate. It also manifests in many horrible ways...and its a daily event. Please know, I DO look up to you, Andy, as an example of one who has pulled himself up and out of this tar-pit of self hate and self harm...an example I clearly need. So thank you!