I passed my driving test, got four wrong. On saturday i have to call up a bunch of places in the newspaper, look up some places online, and start driving around.
When i got it first i felt like i had done something wrong, like i didnt deserve it. I feel better about it now, but that nagging feeling is still there.
I am almost away from my mother. I know she sexually molested me, and i know that what i have remembered is just the beggining. I think she did the kind of things that make what my brother did to me seem to pale in comparison. I keep seeing strange things through a haze, things that seem so bad i cant believe they happened. Ive heard that female abusers, mothers in particular, can be extreme in acts of degrigation and manipulation, and i feel like ive inadvertantely walked into a minefield. I get scared just typing about it here, but that probably means its got some basis in fact. I cant believe im trying to open this box, i feel like id have to crazy to want to remember. I dont know if i want ot remember things like what i hear about, even if they are true. I know i must, but can anyone prepare for a memory like having your mother give you enemas everyday, or being abused with a dildo or something? I feel like im stuck in that moment right before being struck, knowing the blow is coming, knowing you can do nothing to stop it.
But right now, i cant live up to the fact that i may be living with a monster, that shes cooking me food and paying for my insurance. I just have to get away.