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#27642 - 04/26/02 05:49 PM Finally Got My Licence! oh man...
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I passed my driving test, got four wrong. On saturday i have to call up a bunch of places in the newspaper, look up some places online, and start driving around.

When i got it first i felt like i had done something wrong, like i didnt deserve it. I feel better about it now, but that nagging feeling is still there.

I am almost away from my mother. I know she sexually molested me, and i know that what i have remembered is just the beggining. I think she did the kind of things that make what my brother did to me seem to pale in comparison. I keep seeing strange things through a haze, things that seem so bad i cant believe they happened. Ive heard that female abusers, mothers in particular, can be extreme in acts of degrigation and manipulation, and i feel like ive inadvertantely walked into a minefield. I get scared just typing about it here, but that probably means its got some basis in fact. I cant believe im trying to open this box, i feel like id have to crazy to want to remember. I dont know if i want ot remember things like what i hear about, even if they are true. I know i must, but can anyone prepare for a memory like having your mother give you enemas everyday, or being abused with a dildo or something? I feel like im stuck in that moment right before being struck, knowing the blow is coming, knowing you can do nothing to stop it.

But right now, i cant live up to the fact that i may be living with a monster, that shes cooking me food and paying for my insurance. I just have to get away.


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#27643 - 04/26/02 09:10 PM Re: Finally Got My Licence! oh man...
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Broken
Congratulations! Being able to drive will give you some freedom to get around and help your moving out, for sure.

I know your struggle about realizing that your mother was abusive - when I recovered my abuse memories it was crazy making and I didn't have to live with her because she had died. The memories are the hardest - and all I can say is that it gets better in time and you will be able to handle them - getting them out is better than living with result of burying them for the rest of your life. But, nothing about it is easy - you have my support.

For me, it was hard to deal with the fact that the mother-child bond which should have been there was not - at least now I know why.

I am so glad you are getting out of there and you are right to keep it cool until you get out. It must take a lot of effort - you are a brave person for what you have/are going through. Hang in there buddy.

I wish I could help. I know that it is hard to deal with the system and get some help, but if you can, there are services available - the site I sent you for section 8, even though it takes some time and they put you on a waiting list, is one place to start - maybe you could get the clock rolling on it for backup.

Take care, broken

....t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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