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#276075 - 02/19/09 04:36 PM Re: MY LOSS [Re: petercorbett]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: petercorbett
SIDUDE, greetings my fraternal brother.

Take it from this (almost) 70yr old boy. I was married, (will be officially seperated) by distance and emotions, (or lack there of).
I am/was a father to 2 boys, i am a grandfather to 2 grandsons. I would have been married for 36 yrs (this April).
My SECRET that was buried for 55+ yrs came to the surface last August. If you have read my post little Pete & big Pete's 69 yr journey, you will see that i probably should never have been married, as i surely lacked the emotional and social skills in dealing with girls/females. I never had any none-zero emotions towards girls/females.
BUT i in all my young and adult years have had tons of emotions for males, both sexually & non sexually.
Again reading my posts, i've made no bones about saying that all my emotional and sexual feelings have been from males and before my 18th birthday. No female has given me the same sexual nor emotional feeling.
So between what has come to the surface from the depths of my soul is that perhaps for all the years before all this surfaced, that i was gay but that it was buried just under my concious level.
But now i can say in all honesty from the depths of my soul that i am gay. As before last August i really didn't know me, until now.
But whatever you are, I will be your brother/friend in healing. I will like you for just being YOU, in wichever sexual orientation that you choose.
I will be alone, but it will cost me my serenity that i receive from my 2 grandsons, i will loose my only physical source of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. It will be MY LOSS.

Take care SIDUDE, heal well, my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)



Pete,

Thanks for the reply and sharing that with me, I understand that these situations are complicated. I suspect I am much closer to being Gay as my attraction toward men has been fostered since childhood, and I never had a chance to choose for myself what sexual orientation I'd prefer. Unfortunately I cannot turn back the hands of time to see what my life would have been like if things were right.

The fact is I came from an upper middle class home which was seriously dysfunctional has impacted every area of my life, I was physically abused by my older sister who was quite cruel to me, and my parents marriage was seriously compromised by their infidelity towards on another. Although I love my Mother, I can’t tell you how I felt when I woke up one evening at the age of 6 and saw my Mother in our basement with another man, my fathers second cousin no less. My heart was broken in a fundamental way that I think affected my views on Women and Marriage. My older cousin started to molest me when I was 4, and I had severe learning disabilities when I entered school, I am still challenged when it comes to learning to this day.

My father was never supportive and he frequently belittled me in front of the rest of the family thinking that it would force me to change. I will forever remember my father saying to my mother “Joyce what’s wrong with this kid, he is always in the house, you better send him to the doctor” I have been in therapy since I was 12 for my learning \ anti social behavior. Can you really blame me, seems that people around me were more screwed up than me!

With all the toxic behavior and problems I faced destroyed my childhood, and my adult life is no better, things just seem to get worse as time goes on. It all seems so unfair, everybody else has a life but me, and no one cares, and neither do I. I fought as long and hard as I could and I am still kicking, but my future looks bleak. I agree it was probably best that I did not get married it would have been a disaster, and I am sure my skills as a father would not have been good, and children deserve the best upbringing one can provide.

I fell for you in your situation, but it sounds to me that you are sure in your path and you have the strength to deal with your reality, I wish I could say the same. Be Well and Peace.


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#276152 - 02/19/09 10:02 PM Re: MY LOSS [Re: SIDUDE]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
SIDUDE,

I completely understand. I do think I was "born gay." I was effeminate. I played with Barbies. I had a childlike, platonic crush on my brother's best friend. But the sexual abuse completely devastated my sexuality. While it was happening, I developed an obsessive crush on a female classmate. How can you explain that? I fantasized constantly, at eight, nine and ten, of kissing her, of making her love me. I had a crush on my female teacher which was almost as strong. I had never liked girls before that I can remember, certainly not in such an overwhelming way. Literally, rape made me straight.

I get frustrated with the attitudes of some gay men. Sexually, my body is drawn to men. They don't understand how I could want to be with a women. I've accepted that they just have a different mentality. For them, it was so liberating to come out, to acknowledge the feelings they had been suppressing their entire life. "Coming out" for me was much darker, sadder and more unsettling. I slept with men only to discover that sex would always mean rape to me. Unlike you, I don't indulge in anonymous sex. I don't have any, to avoid the pain. It's probably just as unhealthy.

I also long to be a father. The thought of having a wife and children one day makes me smile. In fact, it's the only way I can see myself being truly happy. I want to mature. I want to have the experience of taking care of a child, protecting him, or her, devoting my life to something meaningful. I can develop strong emotions for both men and women. But with men, there's so much baggage. I end up resenting them and feeling demeaned. My feelings for men always sour. It's not their fault. It's mine. If I were a woman, I'd be a man-hating feminist.

Don't be ashamed of your confusion. Don't be deterred by the opinions of others who, while genuinely trying to help you, haven't lived your life. Sexual abuse warps your sexuality. Common wisdom no longer applies.

Though our situations are different, I empathize with you and hope you find a lifestyle which makes you happy. Believing that your future is bleak won't do you any good. Keep fighting. Keep soul-searching. Let go of your regret. The future is what you make of it.


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