.

Well, if we're 10 again, Joel, may I suggest you and I go grab some Legos, a couple Disney movies, some popcorn and a few old action figures and hang out.

Sorry you're in such a bad spot. Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you. I'm not much better today, but at least we can be miserable together...

lars

Joel,

You Ok?
What's going my friend.
Need to talk I am here for you?

Mike

Joel, my brother and confidant.

Come on let's hang in there. Maybe we should have stuck with you TRYING to send me that MOOSE, at
least it would take your mind off of being 10 yrs old.

Take a rest again.

Heal well brother Joel,

Pete (Irishmoose)

joel it would help if you give us a few more specifics. you know, get the secrets out?

i'm pulling for you bro,

ron

Yup...10 is one of those positions on the permanent "age knob" we had installed with the CSA. Yer not alone in this. Try to remain around some people you can trust...maybe MS Chat???

hey big brother...

come back to the present moment...

Why on earth are so many of us connected to age 10 :-\

Hugs to you from your countryman out on the frozen prairies.

Wes

?

Joel, i'm with Lars here, the ten year old within me would love to play with the ten year old inside you, in the way that children suppose to play, in a safe way. Little Joel deserved better, and we cant get back what we lost, but you can still give little joel the things that he needs, you can provide him with the safety now that nobody gave him when he was being abused.

For me i try to let Big Lewis look after little Lewis as much as possible, not to always give in to the things that he wants, things like hiding in a corner (which little lewis often wants), but giving him the things that he needs, a hug, real love, protection, and doing things that i need to do to make both our dreams come true.

Big Joel and little Joel, you can be there for eachother now, and you can bounce off eachother to make eachother feel safe and happy.

These emotions hit hard, really hard, no, REALLY hard, i know. But you can protect the little guy inside you now Joel, you are a strong guy and i think everybody on this site would agree.

I would agree!

You were strong enough to post this message - breaking the rule of never telling anyone.

You were strong enough to post this message - acknowledging your feelings of fear and vulnerability rather than cowering in fear and giving up.

You are strong enough to be a very important, contributing member of MS.

I've been doing visualizations in my mind of my little one and my adult self meeting in a favorite safe place alone together so they can talk and my adult self can comfort the little one.

You need to remind your little one of all the things your adult you has done to give the little one a voice and to heal the little one. Don't believe for a second your adult you hasn't done anything - every step forward, however small, is another step of courage and strength - your little one just needs to be reminded he's safe now and there is one adult in this world he can trust - you.

Hi Joel,

Hope you're doing better now. Talk about it when and if you can, it can help.

.

(((Joel)))

Hang in there. I know how you feel, but this storm will pass (or so I'm told!)

lars

true ken, when have they ever NOT?

hugs to all,
ron

*sigh*

I know you're right, Ron. This storm is just too difficult for me to handle. It's just easier to respond to other's posts, encourage them and maybe someday come back to my own issues.

[quote=lars3229This storm is just too difficult for me to handle. It's just easier to respond to other's posts, encourage them and maybe someday come back to my own issues.[/quote]

Exactly what I've been doing today - passing on some positive energy helps me feel it when I think I'm just totally down and out. I think that's an integral part of how we help each other on MS and I'm very thankful both for the opportunity to help heal and in exchange the healing I receive back.

I've read both Joel's thread and your thread Lars under the other forum and I'm just keeping you both in my thoughts - hang in there - I am too.

Hey Joel,

You have helped me in so many ways, I thank you for your honest post. Sometimes we are set back in our journey through this life, if only there was a map to guide us. Whatever it is you are going through we will be here to see you through. Know this: we will be your light when it is dark. As cliché as that sounds it comes from the very depths of my soul.

You struck a deep chord within me sometime ago and that is priceless. You will definitely be in my prayers.

Best wishes, your brother in recovery Dan

.

I'm glad you are feeling better, I've had a rough couple of days myself. Hang in there, things will start to even out. 13 was my age when it all started for me, the age my boys are at now.

Glad it's getting better Joel.

lars

I have thought about some of what I've read here and yes I feel that I am still 11 years old in ways. I grasp things that are much more complex and above my age but fail in other ways because the 11 year old in me still has rule over that part on my life. Life seems to have stopped after 11 years old in ways of how I see myself. Most people see themselves as an adult that is male or female. I understand that I'm considered an adult and male but in many ways I don't feel it. I almost feel like I don't have any specific gender at all, I just exist as a person without an identity. The bad part is that I feel the adult me can't protect the 11 year old in me at times. This seems to be a multi-faceted subject that I don't think that there is enough info brought out about it to for non-survivors to fully understand our battles.

Hi neveragain.

You have hit the nail on the head for me with your line.

"I feel the adult in me can't protect the 11 yr old at times".

Powerful words and that is how i feel right now. I am stuck in my lost childhood. I think that i (little Peter) is inside my 2 grandsons 8&9. As i (little Peter) whom spends a lot of time with them cry inside watching them. watching them enjoy their youth, in innocense, in nurturing in a loving family enviroment. Little Peter wants to be pure and clean like them, he wants to be loved by them. And the hardest part is that he wants to be them. Impossible of course.

I am going to physically seperate myself from them, as i am TOO CLOSE to them to be able to come to terms with big Peter.
Big Pete got me to 69 yrs old. I am having a hell of a time giving him 6 months of recovery work. I sure hope that he and i can complete our recovery task.

Heal well neveragain, and my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Who knows what age my inner child is. My guess is that he is 14 almost 15. It is hard to tell because there was so much trauma over so many years. Three weeks in August of 1972 continue to stick in my mind as the most likely age and place to look for him though. Thankfully myself and I have reunited and are moving forward as one without the baggage of the past.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring with it a better day Joel. Hope to see you back in the saddle on the road again soon.

Mark

I guess today I am between 5 and 9 years old... my dad raped me repeatedly during those years, maybe even before. I am still nailed to the bed on which he did it, I can't find my way off, the bedroom is so dark and I am sooooooooo alone. Mom is working, little sister is in her own room, perhaps waiting to be molested herself, and there is never anyone coming to help me, to save me, to tell me that everything is okay, that it wasn't my fault.

To this day, I struggle with that feeling of being all alone in a world full of pain and horror, with noone to tell that little boy that everything will be okay, that he is loved and loveable, that he has a right to continue to live, to exist.

Will I ever be free from that room, from that bed, from that pain? I don't know... I can only HOPE and BELIEVE that I will. I will not let the darkness win!

Hang in there, guys! Brother B+

brother b+

It was so good to see your post. Im not much of a writer, but i had to respond to the feeling of isolation, lonliness, darkness that occupies us when we live with the effects of CSA, especially when our fathers were the purps.

As a Catholic the Our Father was the most difficult prayer for me to recite, the tension between the fear of offering myself to God as my "father" and my need to seek in the darkness someone greater than anyone around me that I could trust and cling to and embrace safely was a major torment to me from as far back as I could remember.

i eventually found my way- because my "Our Fathers" carried with them the weight of the cross. I prayed it for God's sake not my own. As a Permanent Deacon at the age of 57, I enter the darkness of my youth at times, and the struggle to pray at those times is what gives my suffering value. My wife whom I love deeply and faithfully for 30 years, has difficulty understanding why I just can't sometimes "let it go", "let it be","what's done is done"

I guess the cross I have been "blessed" with, the struggle that I endure,is the gift that I can offer up for the sake of others, in the silence of my prayer and the darkness of my soul. At times I feel blessed to have endured it and at other times cursed to have to revisit it.
Bon jour mon ami

I would like to say that it took lots of courage on your part to lay it all out there and be honest. You described what happened in a very vivid picture. I'm sorry to hear that your dad had to do such a thing to you. I think violation from family is worse than someone who isn't related to you. It seems to do more damage to your ability to trust them and feel safe around them.

Welcome aboard to MS and feel free to share as you have done so far. All of us are here to help one another in a world that sometimes doesn't seem to be that understanding.

Hi Brother B+.

Welcome aboard, welcome where we give each other compassion. understanding and love. You as a Catholic religious surely have made a powerful post. You have bared your very soul. I have come here too, and i have bared my very soul, as others have done. I come here to try and find help on this painful journey. I have come here to help little Peter try and find his way. I was sexually abused by my "mother" and a friend of the family, and total strangers. My "mother" and my main male abuser were Catholic.

I, with the help of a neighbor and my Catholic parish priest was sort of rescued by being placed in a Catholic orphanage/Home. It was run by the Xaverian Brothers. The place where i was free from all my sexual abusers is listed below.

Heal well Brother B+, and heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Wow!!! I didn't ever realize that what I had to say about my childhood was important or would be helpful. Thanks to all for responding and for your support.

I am doing a bit better, thanks to a talk with one of the brothers here. He knows nothing about my past, but has agreed recently to let me blow off steam in his presence when I just need someone to talk to.

Thanks again for all of the replies! It gives me courage to once again have found men who have shared and understand a past filled with abuse.

Someday if I have time and find a bit more courage, I will post my story. Maybe that will help me as well...

I dreamed last nite I was standing in front of a grave. It had my name and the year 1962 on it. That was the year it happened. Is my little guy dead ? I thought he was there but I guess he's gone. Have I been a dead man walking for 46 years ? I want to be 5 again...to go back and get him but I'm afraid he's gone.I dont know what to do now.You hang in there Joel,you're one of the good guys. Let that little guy in you play,or cocoon up... whatever he needs to feel safe....

How are you doing Joel? Brother B, Git'in Better and all?

This is also a good time to give your little one a voice? Can you allow him to say the things he wants to say? Can you write a letter to him and allow him to respond to it? The adult you can make it safe for him to finally speak up and say what he's been silent about for so long. I know that this has helped me exercise some of my demons and help little Mike be more at peace than ever before.

Peace and love you guys!

Michael

Hi Mike.

Today i'm another year older and deeper in debt. ( a song by Tennesee Earnie Ford) many years ago.

A happy birthday to you. To both little Mike and big Mike.

Heal well both.

Pete (Irishmoose)

Joel,

I asked my T if there were any counselors that did counseling via video conferencing or webcam-to-webcam over the internet. She said there's actually a whole practice built on it now and it's called Distance Counceling. She said the board that certifies counselors would have a resource for certified distance counselors.

One website defined it this way: "Distance Counseling is a counseling approach that takes the best practices of traditional counseling as well as some of its own unique advantages and adapts them for delivery to clients via electronic means in order to maximize the use of technology-assisted counseling techniques. The technology-assisted methods may include telecounseling (telephone), secure email communication, chat, videoconferencing or computerized stand-alone software programs."

Anyway - just wanted to let you and any other users that are 'remotely-located' or in 'service-limited' locations to know that there's still counseling options even in the most remote locations.

So I Google'd "Distance Counseling" and found http://www.adca-online.org/ (American Distance Counseling Association).

Anyway - just an idea - hope you are well.

.

confused as to why I am here.
no i'm not suicidal just depressed and pondering why i am here and why anyone has to go thru any type of sexual abuse.

what is the purpose of putting people thru hell by letting this happen.

guess this ties into my beliefs somehow. i was raised lutheran and am pondering the word "why" when it comes to many subjects. all of this pain and misery doesn't make much sense of being a way to teach and make one stronger.

maybe i have too many questions, don't know.