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#276291 - 02/20/09 11:30 PM Re: Today Im. [Re: Still]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I have thought about some of what I've read here and yes I feel that I am still 11 years old in ways. I grasp things that are much more complex and above my age but fail in other ways because the 11 year old in me still has rule over that part on my life. Life seems to have stopped after 11 years old in ways of how I see myself. Most people see themselves as an adult that is male or female. I understand that I'm considered an adult and male but in many ways I don't feel it. I almost feel like I don't have any specific gender at all, I just exist as a person without an identity. The bad part is that I feel the adult me can't protect the 11 year old in me at times. This seems to be a multi-faceted subject that I don't think that there is enough info brought out about it to for non-survivors to fully understand our battles.


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#276296 - 02/20/09 11:44 PM Re: Today Im. [Re: nevragan]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi neveragain.

You have hit the nail on the head for me with your line.

"I feel the adult in me can't protect the 11 yr old at times".

Powerful words and that is how i feel right now. I am stuck in my lost childhood. I think that i (little Peter) is inside my 2 grandsons 8&9. As i (little Peter) whom spends a lot of time with them cry inside watching them. watching them enjoy their youth, in innocense, in nurturing in a loving family enviroment. Little Peter wants to be pure and clean like them, he wants to be loved by them. And the hardest part is that he wants to be them. Impossible of course.

I am going to physically seperate myself from them, as i am TOO CLOSE to them to be able to come to terms with big Peter.
Big Pete got me to 69 yrs old. I am having a hell of a time giving him 6 months of recovery work. I sure hope that he and i can complete our recovery task.

Heal well neveragain, and my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#276313 - 02/21/09 01:35 AM Re: Today Im. [Re: petercorbett]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Who knows what age my inner child is. My guess is that he is 14 almost 15. It is hard to tell because there was so much trauma over so many years. Three weeks in August of 1972 continue to stick in my mind as the most likely age and place to look for him though. Thankfully myself and I have reunited and are moving forward as one without the baggage of the past.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring with it a better day Joel. Hope to see you back in the saddle on the road again soon.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#276319 - 02/21/09 04:13 AM Re: Today Im. [Re: Trucker51]
Brother B+ Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 16
Loc: France
I guess today I am between 5 and 9 years old... my dad raped me repeatedly during those years, maybe even before. I am still nailed to the bed on which he did it, I can't find my way off, the bedroom is so dark and I am sooooooooo alone. Mom is working, little sister is in her own room, perhaps waiting to be molested herself, and there is never anyone coming to help me, to save me, to tell me that everything is okay, that it wasn't my fault.

To this day, I struggle with that feeling of being all alone in a world full of pain and horror, with noone to tell that little boy that everything will be okay, that he is loved and loveable, that he has a right to continue to live, to exist.

Will I ever be free from that room, from that bed, from that pain? I don't know... I can only HOPE and BELIEVE that I will. I will not let the darkness win!

Hang in there, guys! Brother B+

_________________________
"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted"
St Matthew 5:5

Sometimes I think milk and cookies are the ultimate comfort food!

Brother B+ Story

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#276321 - 02/21/09 07:00 AM Re: Today Im. [Re: Brother B+]
tony2c Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
brother b+

It was so good to see your post. Im not much of a writer, but i had to respond to the feeling of isolation, lonliness, darkness that occupies us when we live with the effects of CSA, especially when our fathers were the purps.

As a Catholic the Our Father was the most difficult prayer for me to recite, the tension between the fear of offering myself to God as my "father" and my need to seek in the darkness someone greater than anyone around me that I could trust and cling to and embrace safely was a major torment to me from as far back as I could remember.

i eventually found my way- because my "Our Fathers" carried with them the weight of the cross. I prayed it for God's sake not my own. As a Permanent Deacon at the age of 57, I enter the darkness of my youth at times, and the struggle to pray at those times is what gives my suffering value. My wife whom I love deeply and faithfully for 30 years, has difficulty understanding why I just can't sometimes "let it go", "let it be","what's done is done"

I guess the cross I have been "blessed" with, the struggle that I endure,is the gift that I can offer up for the sake of others, in the silence of my prayer and the darkness of my soul. At times I feel blessed to have endured it and at other times cursed to have to revisit it.
Bon jour mon ami

_________________________
we are so accustomed to adopting masks before others, that we wind up being unable to recognize ourselves

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#276352 - 02/21/09 09:20 AM Re: Today Im. [Re: Brother B+]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I would like to say that it took lots of courage on your part to lay it all out there and be honest. You described what happened in a very vivid picture. I'm sorry to hear that your dad had to do such a thing to you. I think violation from family is worse than someone who isn't related to you. It seems to do more damage to your ability to trust them and feel safe around them.

Welcome aboard to MS and feel free to share as you have done so far. All of us are here to help one another in a world that sometimes doesn't seem to be that understanding.


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#276392 - 02/21/09 10:20 AM Re: Today Im. [Re: Brother B+]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Brother B+.

Welcome aboard, welcome where we give each other compassion. understanding and love. You as a Catholic religious surely have made a powerful post. You have bared your very soul. I have come here too, and i have bared my very soul, as others have done. I come here to try and find help on this painful journey. I have come here to help little Peter try and find his way. I was sexually abused by my "mother" and a friend of the family, and total strangers. My "mother" and my main male abuser were Catholic.

I, with the help of a neighbor and my Catholic parish priest was sort of rescued by being placed in a Catholic orphanage/Home. It was run by the Xaverian Brothers. The place where i was free from all my sexual abusers is listed below.

Heal well Brother B+, and heal well my brothers/friends.

Pete (Irishmoose)




Edited by petercorbett (02/21/09 10:21 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#276448 - 02/21/09 03:42 PM Re: Today Im. [Re: Brother B+]
Brother B+ Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 16
Loc: France
Wow!!! I didn't ever realize that what I had to say about my childhood was important or would be helpful. Thanks to all for responding and for your support.

I am doing a bit better, thanks to a talk with one of the brothers here. He knows nothing about my past, but has agreed recently to let me blow off steam in his presence when I just need someone to talk to.

Thanks again for all of the replies! It gives me courage to once again have found men who have shared and understand a past filled with abuse.

Someday if I have time and find a bit more courage, I will post my story. Maybe that will help me as well...

_________________________
"Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted"
St Matthew 5:5

Sometimes I think milk and cookies are the ultimate comfort food!

Brother B+ Story

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#276502 - 02/21/09 09:15 PM Re: Today Im. [Re: Survivinguy]
Git'in Better Offline


Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 36
Loc: Texas
I dreamed last nite I was standing in front of a grave. It had my name and the year 1962 on it. That was the year it happened. Is my little guy dead ? I thought he was there but I guess he's gone. Have I been a dead man walking for 46 years ? I want to be 5 again...to go back and get him but I'm afraid he's gone.I dont know what to do now.You hang in there Joel,you're one of the good guys. Let that little guy in you play,or cocoon up... whatever he needs to feel safe....


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#276513 - 02/21/09 10:20 PM Re: Today Im. [Re: Git'in Better]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
How are you doing Joel? Brother B, Git'in Better and all?

This is also a good time to give your little one a voice? Can you allow him to say the things he wants to say? Can you write a letter to him and allow him to respond to it? The adult you can make it safe for him to finally speak up and say what he's been silent about for so long. I know that this has helped me exercise some of my demons and help little Mike be more at peace than ever before.

Peace and love you guys!

Michael


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