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#27555 - 02/22/04 02:20 PM Falling Backwards (Trigger)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Last September, a large weight was lifted off my body and soul. I finally believed the truth, with all my heart and soul. I wasnít my fault. I wasnít to blame. I have no reason to feel guilty for what they did to me. It is not my place to be ashamed of their actions.

The past several weeks the blocked out four months following the initial attack by my first perp has been surfacing, this has been building up for several months. So many pieces have come, so many more have yet to surface. The remembering of the basic threat made by him, not the details of the threat, have brought back some of the fear and anger. The remembering that he shared me and forced me to do his friends has brought disgust and a feeling of being nothing more than a depository for sperm. The memory that disturbs me the most is that he was paid to force me to perform on others. Bringing a feeling of total uselessness. A feeling that I AM nothing more than that depository.

I know those feelings are unfounded. I know that they arenít the truth. I have felt the truth. I have embraced the truth, but now it is alluding me.

I have been fighting hard the urge to re-enact that. To perform without being forced. As if this would change the past, I know it wonít, so I keep fighting it. The confusion between the truth and the negative feelings has brought me great confusion and numbness. Friday I wore rubber bands around my wrist and when I numbed out, I would snap myself back to reality. I snapped to the point that the blood was at the surface of my wrist, beginning to come through the pores. This isnít something I have ever done before, isnít something I liked doing. But I cannot allow myself to become totally numb and lose the strength to resist the urge to re-enact.

I have taken a big slid backwards and donít know if I am still sliding, but I am still clawing my way forward.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#27556 - 02/22/04 02:29 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Bill,

For every step we take forward, we have to expect a fall backward. You have come so far, and you will again, but sometimes we do fall backward.

The important thing is that you're refusing to fall back into behavior that is destructive for you. That's important, and that shows you're taking responsability for your actions. You are a better person for it.

I think you know that I was there for a little while, and I have to expect to be there again (hopefully a little less severe! That would be nice!). You WILL get better and you WILL be stronger for your struggles. It's hard to see right now, but you will.

You have given so many people strength here, my brother. Take some for yourself, and be gentle with yourself. There's nothing wrong with backsliding, as long as you stop it. My therapist is having me set up a backup plan in case I fall. Perhaps you need one too.

Brother, I feel with you and I care. Please let me know if there's anything you need.

Peace and love, Bill.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#27557 - 02/22/04 02:46 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
BILL-

I've only had the pleasure to be here your for a few weeks now....

I consider you a friend....I wish I had your strength and guts. (THANKS MIKEE CHURCH-'GUTS').

ENJOY YOUR LIFE-YOUR SON-YOU HAVE MUCHO MILES LEFT........KICK IT IN OVERDRIVE. FUCK THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS- TO MUCH STRESS........PICK UP THAT BAT--------SLAP THAT SPEED BAG A FEW TIMES........IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. UNNERSTAND.....UNDERSTAND.


TAKE CARE, BROTHER....GOOD LUCK.

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#27558 - 02/22/04 04:09 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Hey Bill... sorry to hear you are still struggling with the urge to re-enact. The urge to reinforce the message that we are worthless and useless is very strong.

Maybe focusing on the beliefs that you are seeking to solidify about yourself rather than focusing on the ways you wish to re-enact might help? I'm not sure. I just started to work on the fact that I use alcohol to replicate the feeling of being out-of-control and not being able to remember. It doesn't always help me, but at least I'm focusing on why I'm using it, and I hope that I can stop using it to recreate these feelings, or not as often at least.

Bill... you are not worthless. You are not useless. You NEVER deserved what these assholes did to you then. You do not deserve what your son's therapist is saying to you now. I know you know these things. You do not need to try to prove them "right" by re-enacting, because they were never right and never will be. You are not worthless.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#27559 - 02/22/04 05:02 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Bill, you are a valuable member of society and this organization. You are a help to many--you most certainly are not a depositry for sperm and neither is anyone else. It is difficult, but we do need to see and accept our value from within ourselves. Some people will build us up and encourage us--but others will attempt to put us down. We need to get to where neither are terribly important to our sense of self worth, because we know we are valuable.

We seem to have to work on that--sometimes feeling we are there and other times feeling we are no where near that. But the simple fact is that you are a good man and a great friend to many of us.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#27560 - 02/22/04 06:10 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
Texas_Mike Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...
You are the best, Bill...

Be the creator that you are--------------like THE DEAN said...."We need you here-You are valuable".

_________________________
"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

Best,
"The Desert Runner" Mike

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#27561 - 02/23/04 08:06 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hey guys and thanks,

I have been fighting off the demons. I know what they want me to do, but damnit, they aint' getting there way.

I am just so overwhelmed right now, I don't know what is what. My self worth, my worth as a father has been bashed and bashed by my son's T. At some time I am retreiving memories of the rest of the abuse when I was 11. The flashbacks have been stiffled by the medications, but as I write this I can feel his hand on the back of my head pushing me forward onto the others guys d**k, the damn taste won't go away, I can feel the ejaculation. Then the hand on my back pushes again and does it over again. This is just the first of how many more memories to come? To be pieced together.

I did not want this. I was never meant to be a dispository for any man's cum. I fought it and got smacked down. Then with the next perp, I tried to stop it and I got smacked down. I kept fighting it and keep getting smacked down. My first wife beat me, I tried to stop it and got smacked down. I took my son to T to make sure he was safe, I got smacked down. These memories coming in have smacked me down. BUT, NEVER WHEN I HAVE BEEN SMACKED DOWN DID I NOT GET BACK UP AGAIN. I'm stronger than that. Go ahead you f'ing idiot, try to smack me down and watch me get right back up. Because that is where I belong. I belong UP, and you bastards cannot ever keep me down.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#27562 - 02/23/04 08:26 PM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Bill - one of my favourite songs has the lines:

I get knocked down
I get up again
Nothing ever keeps me down


It's actually a song that has a lot to do with drinking, but I just like it for those lines...Band is Chumbawumba. They are a bit political, and I don't really care about that side of things. Was a big hit in the UK & I didn't even realise why I liked it when it was released.

Best wishes ...Rik

*We should all rename ourselves Weebles...don't know if you had them in the states (think it was the 70's)...they wobbled, but they would not fall over!

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#27563 - 02/24/04 07:47 AM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Rik

I loved my Weebles. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. And the Weebles houseboat and the Weebles airplane.

I also like the Itsy Bitsy Spider, because the rain didn't keep him from going up the spout.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#27564 - 02/24/04 10:26 AM Re: Falling Backwards (Trigger)
uselesstheories Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/18/04
Posts: 23
Loc: USA
Bill,

I was talking to a friend about this stuff in my life the other day, and her therapist (she's a CSA survivor as well) had said something to her that I thought I would share.

The T asked her to step back and look at the situation from the outside in: imagine you did not know yourself as a child, as a victim. How would you feel for this little person, being so controlled, so manipulated, so abused?

The T asked her if she would feel sorry for such a child, and when she said "yes", the T asked her why she never allowed herself to feel sorry for herself. To look at the situation, feel empathy and compassion for the person that she was and what was taken from her against her will.

I think we need to allow ourselves to grieve. I don't think its unhealthy or abnormal - there was pain, suffering, and loss. Allow yourself to mourn, and like any other trauma, perhaps the act of grieving can help us heal.

(just my extremely unprofessional opinion)

_________________________
Life is pain your Highness; anyone who tells you differently is selling something.
- William Goldman

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